Tuesday, August 14, 2007

My House in Bath vs. Lebron's

I recently moved from Cleveland, Ohio, to a small little town outside of Akron called Bath. Since our move, two unique conversations always spur up when I tell people I live in Bath.

RESPONSE #1: Oooh, that’s where Jeffrey Dahmer started his killing spree.

RESPONSE #2: Oooh, that’s where Lebron James lives.

I’d like to focus on LeBron.

Three miles down the hill from my house, Lebron James' is building his sprawling 35,440-square-foot mansion complete with a theater, bowling alley, casino and barber shop.

I just wanted to compare my humble abode to the basketball superstar and see just who’s living the ‘better life'.

#1 - I’m on two acres of land. LeBron’s on 5.6 acres. Ha! Lebron’s going to have to mow more than 4 times the amount of lawn that I’m going to mow. When I’m sitting back relaxing with a beer and hanging out with my dog and kids. James’ will still be weed-whipping around all those trees that his 42-inch riding mower couldn’t catch. – I win.

#2 – I have four walk-in closets (approx. 2’ x 5’) to hang about 100 clothes. Lebron will have a two-story walk-in closet, that will be about 40 feet wide and 56 feet long. I’d hate to see that laundry bill. Cha-Ching. I win.

#3 – My house has a make-shift dining room downstairs consisting of a metal table and four stools. Lebron’s will have two dining halls stretching a combined 61' x 64'. Impressive, but he better have a kick-ass garbage disposal and dish washer to clean off all those plates. Because, he’ll be washing dishes for a week! Jeez, this is embarrasing. I win again.

#4 – I have a one-car garage and an attached shed to hold my riding lawn mower. Lebron has a six-car garage near his ‘elevator’. Elevator? Pffft. I can save seconds by just opening the door to my garage to get to my car. I’ll be out of my driveway and headed to work before LeBron gets out of his ‘elevator’. I win, yet again.

#5 – The outer wall will feature a limestone sculpture of Lebron's head, wearing his trademark headband. The only sculptures that I have outside my house are about 15 piles of dogshit from m dog, Otto. I’ll give this one to LeBron.

Well, as I’ve proven above. Sometimes bigger isn’t better.

But, I digress, my girlfriend strolled down to drop off some brownies to Lebron and his posse.

I haven’t seen her in two days. I wonder what she’s been up to?

5 comments:

Eric Wiley said...

Is that really a photo of his house? I ask because it looks like palm trees in the foreground.

Your Finest Eimer said...

That's it. Although it's an old pic. Passed it a couple days ago. It looks more polished.

heyit'skent! said...

YOU have a riding lawn mower -- and that rules.

cbrown said...

I was at a Modest Mouse concert last night -- told someone that went to Kent State that I had a buddy that lives in Bath. She said "Isn't that where Dahmer's from?"

Maybe someday (if you play your cards right), someone will say "Isn't there where Eimer's from?".

The headline is yet to be written.

Lebron said...

Hey, neighbor! Glad you like my house.

Just stopped by to let you know that by using only the tools freely available to anyone on the Internet, I figured out where *you* live, too.

If you post any more picture of my house in the Internet I'ma weed whip around all my trees using your body as a sickle.

Witness.