Christmas Eimertoons - Merry Flulike Christmas

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The Fine Art of Internet Self-Diagnosing

Thanks, in part, to the internet, I’m a big self-diagnoser.

About 10 years ago, I started feeling tired, urinating frequently and my mouth was all cottony.

Did I write it off and admit that, more than likely, it had to do with drinking?

Hell no. I went on the internet, typed in my symptoms and found out I had diabetes.

Oh, yeah. I was so convinced I had diabetes I went to the doctor who, after rolling his eyes, offered me a piss test. A couple days later, he called me up and told me that nothing was wrong.

His recommendation: Replace the drugs and alcohol with a good night's sleep and ingest some fruits, vegetables and lots and lots of water.

Oh, and he also suggested I find a good psychologist. PFFfffft. Yeah right!

In those ten years, with the help of the internet, I have unsuccessfully diagnosed myself with the the following ailments, all of which were negated by a doctor:

• Brain Tumor



• Lymphoma



• Potential Stroke



• Heart Disease



• Diabetes(again)



• Skin Cancer



• Cataracts



• Aneurysm



• Colon Cancer



• Testicular Cancer



• Early-onset Alzheimer’s



• Muscular Dystrophy

Now I realize this is a slight case of hypochondria. But, sooner or later, one of my self-diagnosiseseses(?) will eventually pan out to be true.

Let's hope it's later in my life than earlier.

Oops. Gotta run. I’m late for a doctor’s appointment.

There’s a lump in my mouth and I’m convinced I have mouth cancer from that one time I used Skoal pouches in high school.

At least that's what the internet told me.

My Daughter Is Not Bruce Willis. (sigh)

David Dunn: [talking to Elijah on phone] I've never been sick, I've never been injured... what do I do now?
Elijah Price: Go to a place where people are... you won't have to wait very long.
- from the movie Unbreakable (2000) directed by M. Night Shyamalan.

Well, it finally happened. My daughter got sick. A slight cold. It was her very first cold since being born 17 months ago (not counting nine months in the womb).

Sigh.

I guess I should be happy that she's pretty healthy. But, it's just that after watching the months roll by without even witnessing a sniffle or a slight cough - I really, truly, honestly thought she was the female version of Bruce Willis in the movie UNBREAKABLE.

In the movie, a security guard played by Willis is coming home from work on a train, when it suddenly derails. As it turns out, he is the sole survivor of a crash that killed 132 people. Soon, Willis is contacted by comic-book store owner (played by Samuel Jackson) who claims that he is a bonafide superhero.

It just sucks because my daughter's runny nose and fever sort of knocked my theory out of the park.

As it turns out, she's only human.

Or is she?

Last weekend, we went on this hayride through a pumpkin patch near Bath, Ohio. During the ride, I noticed this little black girl with a cast on her arm. She was staring very intently at my daughter.

It's funny, because right before the wheel fell off the tractor and 40 screaming kids were thrown to their peril, I could've sworn the little black girl's mom called the little girl Ms. Glass.

Hmmmmm? Stay tuned.