The Big Ten Network Bend Over.

This whole Big Ten Cable Network/Ohio State Buckeyes football-thing is a bit unnerving.

The Big Ten commissioner is putting it upon us - the Ohio State football fans - to call our local cable providers and demand that they put the Big Ten network on our cable box so we can watch the first two Ohio State football games of 2007.

"Hey, it's not my problem," he's saying to the press. "Your cable company doesn't offer the Big Ten Network, so you have to do something about it, not me."

Otherwise you have four options: listen to it on the radio, go to a bar, head over to someone's house with DirectTV (or Insight Cable I just found out) or simply buy a ticket to the game.

It doesn't take a chemical engineer to know what all this is about...Dead Presidents. Dead Green Presidents. And no, not George Washington or Abraham Lincoln. The big ones.

This is the same thing that happened with the Ohio State/Indiana game last year, which was broadcast on ESPNU. Sure, a couple people bitched, but the cable companies balked. Good for them I say. You know what I did during that particular ass-whopping? I went to a bar and hung out with a good friend that I hadn't seen in a while. It was pretty fun.

And you know the SEC, PAC-10 and other NCAA conferences are keeping a close eye on the outcome of this situation. The greedy bastards.

Let's be honest. The only reason you want the Big Ten network is for the first two football games.

"No way, Eimer! I want the Big Ten network for Ohio State basketball games as well."

Oh really? So you want to watch some shitty, early-season Ohio State basketball games that will be played in a half-filled arena?

"Uh nooooo. I also want it to watch other Big Ten and Ohio State sports as well. And let's not forget about the great Big Ten news coverage that will be coming in."

Hmmmm, is that so? Let's say it's a weekday night and you're flipping through your 600 channels and accidentally flip to some OSU men's volleyball game on the Big Ten channel. So, you're telling me that you're going to jump out of your seat and scream...

"Fuck Lost. Fuck Survivor. Fuck Battlestar Galactica and Fuck The Office. This is the programming I want to watch tonight!"

Unless you have a relative or a friend of an athlete that's playing in a second-tier Big Ten sport (e.g. lacrosse, soccer, track and field etc.) or you're a scout for an upcoming game - you're not going to watch it.

You may think you're going to. You may even check out one play. Only one. Just to say you watched it. But, trust me when I say this. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO WATCH THE BIG TEN NETWORK.

Never. Ever. Ever.

Okay, okay, you may watch 20 minutes of Big Ten Synchronized Swimming, but that's it. (I mean who doesn't want to watch girls with beautiful legs swimming around a pool?)

You know who I feel like? Mel Gibson in Ransom. But, in this case, my 'son' is the OSU Buckeyes football team and the 'kidnappers' are the Big Ten network.

You know what? I'm going on national television (i.e. this blog) to thumb my nose to the greedy kidnappers and say "Give me back my son."

But you still have a chance to do the right thing," Gibson character said to the kidnappers in the movie. "If you don't, well, then, God be with you, because nobody else on this Earth will be."

Fuck the Big Ten Network. And Fuck the higher bill for having this stupid network on our cable.

I'll be at the Winking Lizard in Peninsula, Ohio, watching the first two Buckeye football games. See you there.