Thursday, June 21, 2007

Noah's Ark or Noah's Lie? You decide.


With arrival Evan Almighty in the theaters, I started thinking about the story of Noah's Ark.

For all those unaware of, quite possibly, the most famous bible story of all time, click here.

Here are my thoughts, in easy-to-read bullet point of course:
  • MESSAGES FROM GOD
    When I was going to Sunday school, it seemed to me that every story had people talking to God much like we talk to people on cell phones today. Out of the blue God would bellow from the sky, "NOAH." And Noah's relaxed response would be "Oh. Hey God, What's up?" I don't know about you, but I would shit my pants if someone bellowed from the sky and tried to call my name. And nowadays, haven't you noticed whenever anyone says they received a message from God and that the world will end in (insert amount) of days, those people get thrown in the loony bin?
  • ANIMALS
    In Sunday School, our teacher told us that Noah picked two of every animal (one male, one female) to go aboard the Ark. "So, he would have to travel to Antarctica to get two penquins, then up to the Arctic to trap two Polar Bears, then to Africa to get some Gorillas and then over to North American to grab a Grizzly Bear?" I would ask my Sunday School teacher. "Yes," she would respond. "Well, since they had to walk everywhere, wouldn't just rounding up those four animals take, like, I don't know 10 years?" The teacher would look at me, "Well, the lord does work in mysterious ways." I don't know about you but, in my opinion, that phrase is basically used by people who don't know how to answer a philosophical church question.
  • FOOD
    Okay, so you've got two of every animal aboard the Ark. What are they going to eat? First off, I'm thinking they're going to eat each other. A tiger would be prowling around the ark going by various tasty animals from various continents. He'd come across a squirrel and think, "Wow, I don't know what that is, but it sure looks a bit more tasty than that gazelle I've been eating my whole life." A chase would ensue and then either (A.) the tiger would be successful and the female squirrel would have no mate or (B.) the tiger would fail to capture the squrrel and, instead, opt to chase another tasty creature. Which leads me to believe that it would be pretty crazy being on a boat with vicious animals for 222 days. I would think Noah himself would have to dodge an alligator's bite or a rattlesnake's fangs on a daily basis.
  • DINOSAURS
    In one my Noah's Ark coloring books I had when I was little, Noah even captured dinosaurs to put on the Ark. I remember coloring a Brontosaurus male and female climbing aboard the Ark followed by some field mice. Now c'mon, really? I picture the artist and the illustrator hanging out in their flat smoking a doobie. The artist sits up with a shit-eating grin on his face and says, "Hey Janet , let's put some dinosaurs in this coloring book. That will really fuck up the little ones, eh?" Thanks a lot, it fucked up me up all right. But, the truth is now coming out in this blog, huh? Who's laughing now, you pot head?
  • HISTORY
    When I was in high school, one day our American History teacher walked in the room all excited. He had a giddy smile on his face. One of our class brownnosers raised her hand and asked what he was so excited about. "Now kids, I really don't want to get your hopes up," he said breathing heavily. "But, they may have found Noah's Ark." Yep. This was our American History teacher. The same guy that told us about our first president, the French and Indian War and the Triangular Trade was excited that scientists found Noah's Ark. Suffice to say, we were dumbstruck. After the giggles subsided. He said, "Today they found what they believe to be Noah's Ark on Mount Ararat. I'll give you guys more information when I hear about it tomorrow, but this could change the way we interpret the Bible forever." Guess what? We didn't hear any more information. I think it was our Principal silencing my American History teacher. Now, we'll never know the truth. But, I think we already know the answer. Don't we?
  • INBREDS
    Sure, we should thank or forefathers - Adam and Eve - for bringing us onto this Earth. But, if all the creatures of the world died except for those on the ark, humans included, then I guess we're all a bunch of inbred cretins. So, basically, we should be thanking our great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great Grandfather Noah for seeding the ENTIRE HUMAN RACE! Thanks Noah! We should have, at least, some sort of national holiday celebrating our great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great Grandfather Noah. I would think it may be even more important than Christmas, but that's just me.

I don't know. It's just my stupid opinion. What do you think?



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