Friday, August 29, 2008

Gorilla Glue 2: Electric Breakaloo

A couple weeks ago I screwed up my father-in-law’s conversion van.

Long story short. I failed to adhere to the height-specific sign at the parking garage and slammed the top of his van into a concrete pillar.


In the same week, I also destroyed my mother-in-law’s expensive inflatable raft in her swimming pool as I was trying to break my world-record of jumping obscene distances from the diving board to the raft. Not sure, but I think my sharp toe-nails might have snagged the plastic.


So what do these two stories have in common besides myself being an ass?

Nothing? Wrong!

Gorilla Glue? Correct.

Remember, a year ago, when I was talking to my Dad about Gorilla Glue?

Remember how I said it was freaking awesome?

I went to my favorite current toy store, Home Depot, and purchased not only Gorilla Glue, but their high-tech durable duct tape as well.

As expected, the Gorilla Glue worked spectacularly on the raft. In less than a day, I was back trying to surf across the swimming pool. (With freshly clopped toe-nails mind you.)

But I was a little dubious on the durability of the Gorilla Tape.

I mean, let’s be honest, duct tape is duct tape, right?

Not necessarily. Just like shitty macaroni and cheese, there are shitty types of duct tape you can buy too.

Well, as it turns out, the Gorilla Glue tape exceeded expectations and set the bar higher than generic Duct Tape ever could.

My dad and I taped up the top of the conversion van. And, two weeks later, the tape is still intact.

No rips? No tears? No frayed edges? It’s even held up to the outside conditions of morning dew, torrential rains, hot-humid Ohio sun and even bird poop.

After checking out my thesaurus, Gorilla Glue tape is really, truly honestly impenetrable.

I was so excited that I called my Dad to tell him the good news.

“Hey Dad!”

“Yeah, son.”

“You know Gorilla Glue?”

“I love Gorilla Glue.”

“Yeah, but do you know the tape?”

“How'd it work on the van?"

“Well, it worked like gangbusters!”

“Great, I’m going to go buy some right now.”

“I want some for Christmas.”

“I want some for my birthday.”

“When I die, I want to be wrapped in it like a mummy and buried in a tomb.”

“Me too, son. Me too.”

This father-son bonding moment brought to you by Gorilla Glue®.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

A Quarantined Earth?

I came across this blog entry sarcastically hinting that perhaps the reason why we haven’t been officially visited by little gray men is due to the fact that Earth is under quarantine.

For some reason I found this idea fascinating.

As I was walking my dog last night and staring up at the crescent moon, I gazed at the millions and millions of stars bouncing around the galaxy. Well, not really bouncing but flickering.

Then, my mind reverted back to this guy’s blog and I started to think that the quarantine idea isn’t too far-fetched.

Compared to the other creatures of the universe, maybe humans are, in essence, cave men. Maybe we’re so raw, violent and (ahem) crazy that we were put here – or forced here - to colonize our pathetic excuses for living forms and make due with what we’ve got. We’re like Australia. But, on a universal scale.

Maybe our great, great, great, great, great great ancestors were part of this Star Wars like galaxy of aliens living harmoniously together. Maybe our great, great, great, great, great ancestors did something terrible to this utopian society and were banned, indefinitely to this planet?

Maybe there is an answer to life. But, we’ll never know because of some crazy incident that happened that made this intergalactic society ban us to Earth. Maybe our great, great, great ancestors were a bunch of sex-hungry retards compared to the other intellectual creatures of the universe?

Maybe we’re a planet of lepers? Maybe because we pee yellow and poop out of our buttholes, we’re considered the dregs of the galaxy?

Maybe, we’re one of 100 planets with the same sunlight and seasons? Maybe we were planted here by a great alien civilization that we may never see in our lifetime? Maybe, after our population reaches a certain number, we’ll realize that we were basically cattle for an alien civilization who will eventually return to eat us? Then head off to another similar planet to start the farming/eating process again. Only to return to ours in a million years and start the process over again.

Who knows? But it’s an interesting theory nonetheless. And I give the blogger a head nod for making me think.

Besides War of the Worlds, The Twilight Zone’s To Serve Man, some random episodes of Futurama and The Day the Earth Stood Still, there aren’t any other movies, shows or books that I could think of that hinted to this idea.

What do you think?

Thursday, August 21, 2008

A sad realization.

I woke up today thinking it was Wednesday.

No shit. I actually drove into work thinking “Man, this sucks, it’s only Wednesday.”

When I got into work, I opened up my laptop and checked the time.

Then I checked the date to see if it was my son’s 11-month birthday - August 22.

Imagine my surprise when I saw that it was Thursday.

I smiled.

Then I realized that I’m one day closer to death.

I cried.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Bolt Breaks Bank in 100 and 200.

I've been waiting to see the outcome of the 200-meter dash before I commented on my Nostradamus-esque prediction that the 100-meter dash world record would be broken during this year's Olympics.

As it turns out, Usain Bolt of Jamaica broke both the world record in the 100 meter dash and, just announced, the 200-meter dash in 19.30 seconds.

In addition, Bolt became the first man since Carl Lewis in the 1984 Olympics to sweep the 100 and 200 gold medals at an Olympics.

To add to that, he is the first man EVER to break both world marks at any Olympics.

According to an article I read on; not even Lewis, Jesse Owens or Mr. Gold Shoes Michael Johnson were able to achieve that particular goal.

Very impressive indeed.

Speaking of Bolt's 100-meter world-record win. Many sportscasters and sprint specialists believe Bolt would've shattered the record even more - than his recorded time of 9.69 seconds - had he not slowed down 10 meters before the finish line to pull up his hands and showboat to the crowd.


Look, I know it didn't take a forward-thinking guy to see that the world record would be broken in the 100-meters at this year's Olympics. Based on previous times, this was the fastest group of dudes to race at the Olympics, ever.

However, I'm still sticking to my other prediction that somebody somewhere will bring the world record down to 9.50 where it will stand for a very, very long time.

Maybe past my lifetime.

Until that time, enjoy watching the record-breaking 200-meter dash tonight on NBC. Judging by the photos, it should be fun to see him pull himself away from the pack.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Who doesn't love carnivals?

So I was talking to my dad the other day and, for some strange reason, the subject of carnivals came up.

Actually, I do know the reason.

He had to take my niece to a local county fair to see a country music singer in the Ohio Valley. I guess girls are swooning over this guy. Not sure of the name, but I’m sure the music isn’t that great.

“Man,” I said to him. “I love carnivals.”

“Yeah, I know you do,” he said as he took a drag off his cigarette. “When you were little, you would cry if we passed a parking lot carnival and didn’t stop.”

“Really?” I truly don’t remember this ever happening.

“Yep,” he said. “You would cry all the way home, when you got out of the car, even when we put you in the bathtub. Sometimes, you would cry yourself to sleep after we put you to bed."

“Really?” I said again looking him straight in the eyes expecting him to smile and say ‘Just kidding’.

He didn’t blink. He was as serious as a heart attack.

“Man, I didn’t realize I was such a little pussy.”

“Oh, it wasn’t that big of a deal to us,” he said. “We just made sure we stayed away from carnivals whenever we went somewhere.”

“Really?” I said. I was completely dumbfounded. And yes, I realize, this is the third time I said Really in less than a page.

“Yep,” he said. “If we saw a carnival in the distance we would take a swift turn off the road and take an alternative way to wherever we were going.”

“Hmf,” I took a sip of beer thinking about all the kick-ass carnivals I missed when I was a kid. Thanks a lot mom and dad.

“So. why do you like carnivals so much,” my dad asked waking me up from my newfound embarrassment.

I thought about his question for a couple seconds.

“Well, I guess I like the lights, the smells, the rides and the games,” I said. “I guess I like the fact that I’m part of this little piece of Americana that literally makes a ton of people happy for one week out of the year.”

“Then, just like a hurricane, the carnival impacts the whole community, wraps up and leaves overnight with various carnival debris whipping around the parking lot. The only remnants of its brief existence.”

“Hmf,” he said as a wisp of cigarette “Interesting.”

A brief silence followed.

“You know what I like about carnivals?” my dad piped up.

I shook my head.

He took another drag of his cigarette and let out another puff of smoke.

“Elephant ears," he said.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Everyone's a douche bag

So, I’ve got two kids. One, my son, is 11 months. The other, my daughter, is more than two. Not quite three.

In any event, a couple months ago my daughter started repeating every single word that comes out of my mouth.

This worries me a bit.

As I’ve stated before, I’ve said 'so long' to the word FUCK a number of months ago.

But, I haven’t quite shaken a lot of other words.

For example, lately I’ve been calling everyone DOUCHE BAG.

When a guy is passing me on the right side of the highway, I call him a DOUCHE BAG.

When a lady is on her cell-phone at a stoplight, I call her a DOUCHE BAG.

When my neighbor is mowing his lawn for the fourth time during the same week, I call him a DOUCHE BAG

When the teenager at the local bakery puts too much cream cheese on my bagel and fills up my coffee too high, I call her a DOUCHE BAG.

When my checking account gets overdrawn and I receive a $35 late fee, I call myself a DOUCHE BAG.

You get the point.

The funny thing is that I haven’t used the word DOUCHE BAG since high school.

I’m 36. So that’s a pretty long time…18 years to be exact.

But - and here’s the kicker - I’m starting to really like my new cussword.

In fact, it’s turning out to be my choice expletive for 2008.

It’s a bit more sanitary than FUCKER, FAG, CUM LIP or STUPID FUCK FACE DICK SUCKER.

Yet, to me, it has a much stronger impact than IDIOT, FOOL or JERK.

Quite frankly, it’s turning out to be my most satisfying cussword to date.

At least until my daughter is in the car. That’s when I use my kid-friendly stand-by...FRIGGIN GOOFBALL!

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

D'Oh It's a Bigfoot hoax.

Just found out from the true authority on Bigfoot lore, that this was a big ol' hoax....Link is below.


Thought I'd share this with all my Bigfoot enthusiasts.

This was reported on CRYPTOMUNDO.COM, which is currently getting slammed at the moment.

Here's the story. I'll supply my opinion later.

DNA evidence and photo evidence to be presented at a PRESS CONFERENCEto be held onDate: Friday, August 15, 2008Time: From 12Noon-1:00pmPlace: Cabana Hotel-Palo Alto (A Crown Plaza Resort) 4290 El Camino Real, Palo Alto , California 94306Searching for Bigfoot, Inc. Menlo Park , CaliforniaTom Biscardi, CEO

BIGFOOT BODY FOUND - EVIDENCE AND DNA DETAILS TO BE PRESENTED AT A PRESS CONFERENCE ON FRIDAY, AUGUST 15thFROM 12 N00N TO 1:00PM AT THE CABANA HOTEL-PALO ALTO IN PALO ALTO , CALIFORNIAA body that may very well be the body of the creature commonly known as “Bigfoot” has been found in the woods in northern Georgia .DNA evidence and photo evidence of the creature will be presented in a press conference on Friday, August 15th from 12 Noon to 1:00pm at the Cabana Hotel-Palo Alto at 4290 El Camino Real in Palo Alto , California , 94306 .

The press conference will not be open to the public. It will only be open to credentialed members of the press.Here are some of the vital statistics on the “Bigfoot” body:*The creature is seven feet seven inches tall.*It weighs over five hundred pounds.*The creature looks like it is part human and part ape-like.*It is male.*It has reddish hair and blackish-grey eyes.*It has two arms and two legs, and five fingers on each hand andfive toes on each foot.*The feet are flat and similar to human feet.*Its footprint is sixteen and three-quarters inches long and five and three-quarters inches wide at the heel.*From the palm of the hand to the tip of the middle finger, its hands areeleven and three-quarters inches long and six and one-quarter inches wide.*The creatures walk upright. (Several of them were sighted on the same day that the body was found.)*The teeth are more human-like than ape-like.*DNA tests are currently being done and the current DNA and photo evidence will be presented at the press conference on Friday, August 15th.

The creature was found by Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer (residents of Georgia ) in the woods in northern Georgia . (The exact location is being kept secret to protect the creatures.)Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer will be flying in from Georgia to be at the press conference. Also present at the press conference will be Tom Biscardi, CEO of Searching for Bigfoot, Inc.Whitton is a Clayton County , Georgia, police officer, who is currently on administrative leave after being wounded in the course of duty pursuing an alleged felon. Dyer is a former correctional officer. Whitton and Dyer are co-owners of and Bigfoot Global LLC., a company that offers Bigfoot expeditions. Whitton and Dyer are working with Bigfoot hunter, Tom Biscardi, and Biscardi’s Searching for Bigfoot, Inc., to present and conduct the scientific study of the evidence and information on this body.A few weeks ago, Whitton and Dyer announced the finding of the body on the “Squatch Detective” radio show, an internet based radio show hosted by Steve Kulls.

While on that show, the commentator asked Rick Dyer “Would you allow one of our people to come down and verify the body?” Dyer replied, “The only person we would allow to come down and verify the body was ‘the real Bigfoot Hunter,’ Tom Biscardi.” The next day, the producer of the Squatch Detective show contacted Biscardi with pertinent information on how to contact Dyer and Whitton.Extensive scientific studies will be done on the body by a team of scientists including a molecular biologist, an anthropologist, a paleontologist and other scientists over the next few months at an undisclosed location.The studies will be carefully documented and the findings will be released to the world, according to Biscardi.

Biscardi is known as “the real Bigfoot Hunter” because of his extensive investigations out in the field. He has been searching for Bigfoot since 1971 and over the past several years, he has been criss-crossing the United States and Canada tracking down the hottest leads on Bigfoot sightings.Videography on the studies will be done under the supervision of Scott Davis, an independent producer and owner of TV Biz Productions in Phoenix , Arizona .Currently, Tom Biscardi and his Searching for Bigfoot Team, in conjunction with Bigfoot Global LLC., are preparing to capture another of these creatures alive. That expedition will start very soon.

The dates and the locations are being kept confidential. The body that is currently being studied is being referred to as the “RICKMAT” creature, a name derived from the names of Rick Dyer and Matthew Whitton. [Cryptozoologist Loren Coleman recommends the term “Georgia Gorilla” be used to remove any taint of ego from the discovery, and so the general public, media, and science will have a comfortable moniker until a formal zoological name may be bestowed.]Last year, a film that Biscardi produced about his investigations, called “Bigfoot Lives,” won first place in the Documentary category at the Pocono Mountains Film Festival.

Biscardi also hosts a Bigfoot oriented internet radio show that can be heard on Wednesday nights from 7:00pm to 8:00pm PDT at The show is heard in over thirty countries.Searching for Bigfoot, Inc. has exclusive rights to all publishing rights, photo rights, television and film rights, production and distribution rights and other commercial opportunities related to the discovery and findings regarding this body and these creatures.Interested parties may contact Searching for Bigfoot, Inc., in writing, at their mailing address, 1134 Crane St., Suite 216 , Menlo Park , California 94025 .

See more photographs and comparisons on

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Living in the country.

As I stated before, I live in Northeast, Ohio, in a town called Bath.

Some may call it a suburb. Others may call it a township. Some may even refer to it as Akron.

All in all, it’s country.

No not farm country with cows, chickens and farmers firing up big-ass tractors two hours before daybreak.

No. No. No. No. No.

It’s country in the terms of other things.

Crowing roosters in the morning. Cricking grasshoppers late at night. Chirping birds throughout the day

Sparkly planets twinkling in the sky. The ability to catch a falling star from the corner of your eye.

The occasional shiny beer can clanking to the ground. Possibly from an angry husband who had to much to drink at Gasoline Alley, the local bar down the road.

Airplane lights blinking in the sky, going from east to west carrying a group of unknown people to unknown destinations throughout the world.

Police who know what it means to not arrest a local. Unless, of course, it’s completely necessary.

Warm days. Cool nights. Breezy weekends. The smells of nature all around. Both good and bad.

Rodents - in the form of skunks, mice and raccoons - scurrying around the dark of night pillaging garbage cans for uneaten scraps of dinner.

The smell of fresh-cut grass. Followed by the waft of an elephant ear coming from a local summer carnival down the winding two-lane highway of Hametown Road.

Whispers in the air coming from the headless, decaying corpse of Jeffrey Dahmer's first victim "Help me. Help me!".

Broken, beaten mailboxes. The remnants of high schoolers playing a late-night, game of mailbox baseball.

Barking dogs and meowing cats prowling around the dusk landscape. Pure instinct of which millions of years of evolution couldn’t erase.

Spiders, spinning their webs on the dewy grass of dawn in hopes of capturing lost insects.

The distant sound of basketballs echoing from Lebron James house. Ba-dump. Ba-dump. Ba-dump. CLANG!

Plumbers. Contractors. Copywriters. Housewives. Celebrating the end of the day by sipping on cold beverages and watching the sun go down.

Yep. It’s the country.

Pure. Untouched. Real. Raw.

I love every bit of it.

But you know what I love the most?

The fact that I can take a piss outside no matter the time of day without having to look over my shoulder.


Now that’s pure country.

Friday, August 1, 2008

10 Things I Didn't Know About Weddings (Until Last Week)

I got married last week. Being present at many, many weddings where I was sitting in the podium, it was a bit weird being on the other side of the coin.

So that’s why I decided to list the top 10 Things I didn’t know about weddings (until last week).

1. Lots of Planning.
It doesn’t matter if you’re having 10 people or 100 people, there’s a shitload of planning to do leading up to the day.

2. Lots of Fighting.
Lots of planning breeds lots of fighting. Not only will you and the missus be at each other’s throats. But, you’ll get calls from both sides of the family asking why Great Aunt Delores didn’t get invited to the wedding and tons of other questions pertaining to the big day.

3. It’s Hard to Talk to Friends
Oh, your friends will be present and you’ll pass them up and say “Hey man, I’ll talk to you later.” But, you won’t. And you’ll feel guilty the next day. But it’s okay. That’s the way the cookie crumbles.

4. You Won’t Eat.
Besides an Egg McMuffin at 11 a.m., I hardly ate the whole day. The food is for the quests.

5. You Won’t Really Drink, Either
The wedding was at 2 p.m. I had two beers at the reception. (Well, three.) But I really didn’t get to tie one on until our after-hours party around 10 p.m. Which, I guess, is a good thing.

6. The Day Goes Fast
I woke up at 7 a.m. and I blinked and it was 3 a.m. the next day. That’s why you shouldn’t get too stressed if shit goes wrong. Just nod your head, smile and say “Hey, thanks for coming out!”

7. Families Will Not Miraculously Come Together
If you’re under the impression that this big moment in your life will be the bridge between the two families, think again. It’s funny, because I realized that a wedding really doesn’t push the two families together. In fact, it separates them even more. You sit on different sides of the church. When the reception begins, you sit in your comfort level, which is with your side of the family.

8. A Bride Crying Is Expected. A Guy Crying Is Emotional
Look, I didn’t have a master plan of crying on my wedding day. But all I can say is this: chicks dig a guy who cries at his wedding. Also, it seems like if you are a guy and you do cry, funerals and your own wedding are your “Get out of jail free cards.”
I had the whole place in tears, men and women. No children, though.

9. It’s a Pyramid Scheme
The pyramid scheme is simple. If you don’t get married, you don’t get the loot. If you don’t get the loot, then you’re missing out. Be one with the loot. Accept the loot. Love the loot. Because, in the big scheme of things, you’ll be giving it all back – in one form or another - at the hundreds of other weddings you’ve attended and you’ll be attending in the future. Especially if you end up having a daughter.

10. Wedding Sex Rocks
No explanation necessary on this one.

Now on to the honeymoon!