The Fine Art of Internet Self-Diagnosing

Thanks, in part, to the internet, I’m a big self-diagnoser.

About 10 years ago, I started feeling tired, urinating frequently and my mouth was all cottony.

Did I write it off and admit that, more than likely, it had to do with drinking?

Hell no. I went on the internet, typed in my symptoms and found out I had diabetes.

Oh, yeah. I was so convinced I had diabetes I went to the doctor who, after rolling his eyes, offered me a piss test. A couple days later, he called me up and told me that nothing was wrong.

His recommendation: Replace the drugs and alcohol with a good night's sleep and ingest some fruits, vegetables and lots and lots of water.

Oh, and he also suggested I find a good psychologist. PFFfffft. Yeah right!

In those ten years, with the help of the internet, I have unsuccessfully diagnosed myself with the the following ailments, all of which were negated by a doctor:

• Brain Tumor



• Lymphoma



• Potential Stroke



• Heart Disease



• Diabetes(again)



• Skin Cancer



• Cataracts



• Aneurysm



• Colon Cancer



• Testicular Cancer



• Early-onset Alzheimer’s



• Muscular Dystrophy

Now I realize this is a slight case of hypochondria. But, sooner or later, one of my self-diagnosiseseses(?) will eventually pan out to be true.

Let's hope it's later in my life than earlier.

Oops. Gotta run. I’m late for a doctor’s appointment.

There’s a lump in my mouth and I’m convinced I have mouth cancer from that one time I used Skoal pouches in high school.

At least that's what the internet told me.

What Five Songs Will Be Played At Your Funeral?

Sometimes, when I'm jogging, I cut into this graveyard and do a couple laps on this 1/4 mile cul de sac.

This past Saturday, I decided to say 'Hello' to my little ghostly friends.

As I rounded the corner and passed the metallic graveyard gate, I looked up and my shoes came to a cartoony screeching halt.

Lo and be hold, a funeral service was taking place.

People dressed in black, were standing next to a casket with a pastor reading scriptures. Two women were dabbing their eyes with tissues. Their husband's consoling arms were draped around their shoulders.

Add some snow flurries dropping from the sky and five plus inches of snow on the ground, and you've got a stark funeral scene straight out of the movies.

Having never, ever seen anyone at this particular graveyard, it was an eerie sight to behold. So I decided to forgo my jaunt amongst the dead, and opted for a different route home.

Personally, I would feel a little weird if I was at a funeral and a jogger in a hunter's orange cap listening to an I-pod ran by. Wouldn't you?

On the run home, my mind reverted back to the funeral.

Then I started to think about death.

Then I started to think about my death.

Then I started to think about my funeral.

Then i started to think about the five songs I would request to be played at my funeral.

Now, if anyone has seen High Fidelity with John Cusack, The making of a great compilation tape is hard to do.

To quote Rob Gordon from the movie:

"You gotta kick off with a killer, to grab attention. Then you got to take it up a notch, but you don't wanna blow your wad, so then you got to cool it off a notch."

Magnify that times ten for the perfect Death Mix Tape at your own funeral.

Seriously though, it would be tough to choose the five perfect songs from your vast collection of musical memories.

In addition, you would have to pick music that's somewhat uplifting, yet a bit melancholy. Although you would want people to have a good time and remember you in a good way, you wouldn't necessarily want people to pull out the cardboard and start breakdancing at your funeral.

Or maybe you would.

Plus, you have to choose music that not only defines who you were on this planet, but music that digs deep into your soul and portrays the heartbreak, the happiness, the sorrow and the joy you experienced on this Earth.

That said, if Death walked up to me today, tapped me with his sycthe and told me I was going to croak in 24 hours, here are the 5 songs I would request to be played at my funeral...

1. Sing It Again by Beck


2. I Don't Know by The Beastie Boys


3. Hurt by Johnny Cash


4. Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd


5. Big Balls by AC/DC

Keep in mind, if you talked to me in a week, a month or a year, some of the above songs wouldn't even be considered.

That said, more than likely, I will probably always include a song by the Beastie Boys, Johnny Cash and Beck. Some other artists under consideration were songs by Radiohead, Jack Johnson, Guns N' Roses, Cake and Lucinda Williams.

Seriously, depending on the day and how I'm feeling, the possibilities for my Death Music Mix are like Death's job on this Earth...endless.

Now I'm curious, what would your five songs be if you were going to die in 24 hours?

And please be sure to leave your name. I need to put a face to the songs, man. I need to put a face to the songs.

Eco-Cremation, Rotting Corpses & Compost Piles.

If you ever have the pleasure of having a sit-down, heart-to-heart with Your Finest Eimer, you'll ultimately get to know a couple things about who I am as a person.

First off, I cuss a lot. And, when drunk, I tend to throw my comments into the juvenile gutter with jokes about sex, drugs, pooping, peeing, fucking and sucking.

Secondly, when I die, you'll find out that I don't want to be buried in some stupid casket where I can be dug up and studied by aliens (both illegal & space), anthropologists or even Indiana Jones.

In fact, now that I think about it, I'm not too sure I want to be cremated either.

What's a dead, rotting human corpse to do?

Well, I wasn't too sure either until I picked up this book called Stiff, The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers. In the book, Author Mary Roach talks about different uses for your body after you die.

For instance, did you know you can donate your body to a plastic surgeon school so they can practice facelifts on your dead head? You can also donate your body to CSI so they can learn various dates and times of decomposition in different types of environments (in the cold, heat, outside, woods, etc.)

It's a great book and a fantastic read. But, the part that struck a cord with me was the chapter dedicated to a new type of eco-cremation called...RESOMATION.

You know that big compost pile you have in your backyard filled with egg shells, pieces of steak and old spaghetti? Well it's sort of the same process. But it's a human body. And it's sped up to just under three hours.

Resomation (from the Greek word resoma meaning the rebirth of the body) is a process for the lawful, ecological disposal of human remains. Well - lets be honest - it's not exactly lawful in the United States, but a company in Great Britain called 'Resomation Limited' is one of the first companies to market this world-wide alternative to burial and cremation.

So how does it work? Well, I'm not a scientist, but according to an article I found in the British Newspaper The Mail on Sunday, your body is placed in a silk bag withing a metal cage frame, which is then loaded into the resomation machine.

The machine is then filled with a mixture of water, potassium hydroxide, and heated to a high temperature (around 160 degrees centigrade), but at a high pressure which prevents boiling but instead promotes dissolving.

In just three hours (a viewing of the movie Titanic), your body has successfully been transformed into a small quantity of liquid that's filled with amino acids, peptides, sugars and salts and calcium phosphate.

The liquid and the dust are returned to the next of kin to do with as they please. In my case, I think it would be neat to be composted somewhere cool like a rain forest, the Adirondacks Mountains or even Ohio Stadium. And unlike cremation, a composted body is filled with nutrients that will help, not harm, the environment. Your body will actually help trees grow.

It's the circle of life, man. (Pass the joint.)

Look, even if I achieve eventual cartoon or writing stardom, I really truly don't think my body will be up there with Tutankhamen, Stalin or even Jim Morrison. I can only hope my funeral will be as exciting as the Ayatollah Khomeini - when some three million mourners showed up and idly grabbed at Khomeini's coffin, pried it open and, eventually, yanked their beloved patriarch to the ground. Now that's a fun funeral.

And with the rapid number of baby boomers having heart attacks due to the consumption of too many McDonalds Egg McMuffins, it won't be long until our cemetaries are filled to the rim...with Brim!

That's why the idea of resomation is extremely intriguing to this aging Gen X'er. I mean, who says there have to be only two ways to get rid of your body? The government? Pfffft. Fuck that shit!

If I ever come into any extra money, I would definitely invest in a company like this. Hell, I may even become a caretaker. Plus, I would offer an affordable price that would give crematoriums and old-fogey funeral homes a run for their money.

So who's with me?!? How much do you want to invest?