Eimer's Best Netflix Reviews: V/H/S/2

After reading all the reviews about how much better V/H/S/2 was over the original V/H/S, I was pretty pumped to see it.

"How pumped?" you ask?

So pumped that I ponied up $10 to watch it on Pay Per View last night. That's right mother fuckers!

Well, all in all, V/H/S/2 was good ... not great. It definitely wasn't the most mind-blowing horror movie I've ever seen in my entire life. In my opinion, CREEPSHOW and TWILIGHT ZONE: THE MOVIE are by far, two of the best vignette movies I've ever seen. Can you think of any others that are better?

Maybe as I grow older I'm a little jaded on horror movies because I've basically seen most it ...with the exception of SALO and A SERBIAN FILM. Eek. (Just a note: A SERBIAN FILM is so disturbing, I can't pull the IMDB page up on my work computer).

That said, V/H/S/2 definitely worth a viewing. If anything, go get a ticket to inspire these young indie filmmakers to get out there and do some cool horror shit.

But I digress...

CLINICAL TRIALS is a good twist on the found footage camera idea - through the lens of an eye. Not as creepy as I would have hoped, though.

A RIDE IN THE PARK, uses a man on a bike with a Go-Pro camera during a zombie apocalypse ... another good idea with disgusting special effects.

SAFE HAVEN is the best of the best. Interesting freaky idea concerning a cult during the end of times. Very bloody as well.

SLUMBER PARTY is another good idea with the found footage via a Go-Pro and a dog. It seemed a little rushed though. Like the producers ran out of money, or time.

The most disappointing part was TAPE 49, the vignette in between the vignettes, which highlights a videographer who videotapes couples cheating on their spouses and a woman who venture into this old house (which I'm a little fuzzy on why they decided to go there) and uncover rooms full of videotapes and TVs. Just a little boring, predictable and blah - like the beginning of THE ILLUSTRATED MAN movie. It's there only to serve as a portal to the other horror vignettes.

But don't let it sway your from not seeing the film. Again, very interesting ideas with very creative ways to get around the tired, overdone 'found footage' blitz that started waaaayy back in the 90's with BLAIR WITCH PROJECT. Extra kudos should definitely be handed out to the cinematographers and the special effects teams involved on the project.

Like I said, worth a viewing--especially for the special effects--but don't expect:

Eimer's Best Netflix Reviews - Chronicle

Look, this was a cool movie. Great special effects, interesting story and all that jazz. Acting was fine as well.

My biggest gripe of the film is that fact that I'm simply getting tired of all the 'found-footage' films out there today.

I'm sorry, but after watching PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 2 and 3, PROJECT X, CLOVERFIELD and THE LAST EXORCISM (which sucked the biggest balls of them all by the way), my suspension of disbelief for these movies is running a bit thin. I'm just not believing these people are going to carry around a video camera all the time recording everything that goes on.

It made 100% sense in THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT and the first PARANORMAL ACTIVITY. But those other films, not so much.

Which begs the point, why make CHRONICLE a 'found-footage' film in the first place. Throughout the movie they use multiple 'video' footage from various points of view to tell the story. Not simply from one camera from the main antagonist's point of view, which makes this move increasingly bizarre. So, was this a found footage film made with bits and pieces of everyone's videos - after the fact? Or a simple gimmick to get butts in theaters. I'm going with the latter.

So, my question is, 'Why do this at all?' I was discussing my frustration with this film with a co-worker today. He mentioned last year's summer hit SUPER 8 directed by JJ Abrams. "Should they have done it like that" he asked.

Perfect example and yes. A movie where video or film or YouTube (unarguably a main part of this younger generation's medium of choice) is weaved into a normal film narrative. Not the whole freaking movie.

Like I said, the movie was good. But it could have been a whole helluva lot better if first-time feature writer/director Josh Trank decided to approach the whole idea of this movie differently.

GRADE: C+
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Eimer's Netflix Reviews - Puss In Boots

Nice spin-off tale of the fabled, saucer-eyed feline from the Shrek tales.

Lots of tongue-in-cheek cat jokes mixed with a pretty funny storyline concerning Jack and Jill, Humpty Dumpty, the Magical Beanstalk and the Goose that lays Golden Eggs pull this movie out of the three-star dumpster.

Funny, witty screenwriting, not to mention above par Dreamworks animation and quality direction by Chris Miller (who, coincidentally, directed SHREK THE THIRD).

Plus, can you really go wrong with Guillermo Del Toro (PAN'S LABYRINTH, HELLBOY) as a surprising executive producer addition?

As far as voice acting goes, Antonio, Salma, Zach, Amy Sedaris and Billy Bob bring their A-game and seem to be having a lot of fun with their characters. For adults, the smart writing and adult humor will make you appreciate the film possibly more than your kids.

Highly recommended for cat lovers and, of course, animation lovers as well. Which begs the question, with RANGO, WINNIE THE POOH, RIO and the upcoming TIN TIN film, isn't this a great year for animated films?!!

Check er out!

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Eimer’s Top 10 Worst Films of 2010

No need to write an intro paragraph to this entry. You get the gist.

PLEASE NOTE: I didn't attach any IMDB info on this one because, frankly, this an announcement to the masses to save your money - and your time.

Consider yourself warned:

The Last Exorcism (2010)
Lots of potential, but basically a flat fart in the end. It's THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT with a possessed kid instead of a witch. You have your film crew. You have your main character talking to the camera. You have your cinematographer. Blah. Blah. Blah. I read about the 'crazy' ending. But, it's all bogus. The whole movie is a sham to get little teenybopper girls to the theaters and scream into their boyfriends arms. In this case, you'll be screaming - for your money back and your 87 minutes back. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.

Leaves of Grass (2009)
Meh. If you're into acting performances, the only reason to check out this film is to see Ed Norton play indentical twins from the opposite ends of the spectrum (a' la Cage in ADAPTATION). I had high hopes for this film from Actor/Director/Writer Tim Blake Nelson. But this film just didn't know what it wanted to be. A black comedy? A drama? A crime thriller. In my opinion, with so many great comedic actors (including Dreyfuss), he should have stuck the comedy route.

Date Night (2010)
Oh man. This movie was bad. Once again Hollywood insults the intelligence of couples who are seemingly too timid and too stupid to handle the big city simply because they live in the suburbs. But that's not my biggest gripe. It's sad watching Carell and Fey try to deliver unfunny lines through a seemingly unfunny script. I feel for them. It's a pity, because I had high hopes for this film that wanted to be everything (i.e. comedy, action-adventure, drama and romance), but instead turned into 88 minutes of nothing. Skip this. You've been warned.

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps (2010)
Meh. I'm not sure what I was expecting from this film, but it definitely wasn't this. I figured out what was going to happen in the end about 15 minutes into the film. Speaking of the ending, it was a big block of Hollywood cheese. Why not make it true to Gordon Gecko's character instead of trying to accomodate the American masses who desire a happy ending of their films? A brief cameo from original WALL STREET actor Charlie Sheen reminded me of what was so great about the original film, and not so great about this film. Oliver Stone sold out and should be very ashamed of this end product.


Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans (2009)
Meh. Interesting concept: to have a different Bad Lieutenant movie for each major city directed by a different director. However, this one falls flat. Nic Cage isn't bad enough. Plus, he sort of transforms into a drunken, buzzed-up Jimmy Stewart for the second-half of the film. I was expecting more from Werner Herzog. Plus, what the heck is Val Kilmer doing nowadays? He's been reduced to a supporting character role.

The Human Centipede: First Sequence (2009) 
Whoa Nelly! Watching this movie is like running a horrific half-marathon...with your eyes. 95% of the people that read this review will be turned off by this movie. Its torture horror at its finest (or worst). If you think youre in the other 5% group, then check er out. I don't think I'll ever watch this mess of a movie again. It's an interesting idea, but the director didn't really didnt think his creation through in how the centipede would actually obtain nourishment. If you watch the movie, youll see what I mean. Scratch that, don't watch it.

Bronson (2008)
To be brutally honest (no pun intended), I wasn't feeling this film at all. I wanted to, especially after reading the positive critical reviews. I really, really wanted to like this movie. But, in the back of my mind, I felt that this movie had been made before. Then I remembered Eric Bana's acting debut CHOPPER, which tells the same type of story as this flick, but is ten times better. I understand this was on a lot of top 10 lists and all that jazz. But I just felt this movie was all retread.

Jennifer's Body (2009)
Cliche. Cliche. Cliche. Blech. Just like Rob Zombie's HALLOWEEN, plenty of bark, but no bite. Even cutey-pie Megan Fox and a snarky script by Oscar-winning screenwriter Diablo Cody (Juno) can't pull this horror movie demon/dracula/zombie high-school murder retread out of the 2-star dumpster. Rent Sam Raimi's DRAG ME TO HELL instead. It's a far superior film compared to this piece of poo. Next.

A Perfect Getaway (2009)
The more I think about this movie, the more I'm positive I'm not going to remember it in two years. Heck, even two months. Great cinematography. But that's about it. Everyone will swoon over the twist ending. But it's more of a twist middle. The rest of the movie is all Scooby Doo or should I say Scooby Pooh. (ha! I'm funny) Timothy Olyphant acts like a poor-man's Bill Paxton. I'm also convinced the other actors signed on the dotted line for an excuse to film a movie in Hawaii. I loved Twohy's PITCH BLACK, but none of his movies since have cut the mustard for me. Like I said, meh. But, hey, at least there's some hints of nudity to keep you entertained. I said hints.

The Box (2009)
Meh. I think the whole idea of Richard Matheson's short story was the fact that the reader wasn't sure why the box and the button was happening to this specific couple. In the film version, Director/Writer Richard Kelly leaves no stone unturned in telling us his thoughts on The Box and the mysterious man. To be honest, I'm pretty sure I didn't want to know. Matheson's story is, arguably, one of the finest horror short stories ever written. Kelly bastardizes this chilling story into a SOUTHLAND TALES-type conspiracy theory that threatens the very fabric of our existence. Too much information in this overblown, overhyped movie. Which begs the questions, is Kelly a one-hit wonder?


Next Monday: Eimer's Best Reads of 2010.

Eimer's 11 Best Films of 2010

Well, another year, another gaggle of films to decipher and ruminate upon.

Below are my 11 favorite films that I viewed in 2010.

As you all know, I don't go to the theater that often, so I missed the biggies including The Black Swan, The Social Network, True Grit and other critical darlings such as The King's Speech, Hereafter and The Fighter.

That's why most of these films are available on DVD, HBO and On Demand. And, due to my extensive Netflix DVD queue, some of these weren't even released in 2010.

Now, with that disclaimer, I give to you my 11 favorite films of 2010 (in no particular order):

Kick-Ass
What a fun, entertaining super-hero film. A bit gory for the younger lads. But, this is a truly refreshing take on the boring super-hero franchise that's exploding in Hollywood. Director Matthew Vaugn puts together a fun, faithful adaptation of Mark Millar and John Romita Jr's graphic novel of the same name. Check ' er out in all it's gory glory.

Inception
Look, I know the dream thing has been done before (i.e. DREAMSCAPE, NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, BRAINSTORM, STRANGE DAYS, etc), but man, was I ever impresssed with this movie. The Nolan brothers created a fantastic, creative film that makes you think one day, two weeks, a year after you watch it. It's these type of creative movies that gets me pumped up about the future of the movie industry. This may not be the Best Movie of the Year, but it should be commended for it's brashness, creativity, special effects intricate plot - not to mention fantastic ending. Check 'er out!

Time Crimes
I'm a fan of creative, thought-provoking time travel movies such as TIME BANDITS, BACK TO THE FUTURE, 12 MONKEYS and PRIMER. TIME CRIMES is another great movie to add to the list. Rather than focusing on a big spectacle of a film, Director Nacho Vigalondo uses his modest budget to create an intimate, thought-provoking look into the intricacies and eventual pitfalls of time travel - with only four actors! I'll admit I was a little hesitant and dubious when I read the critical praise and positive reviews. But this film exceeded expectations. NOTE: If you rent this DVD, choose the Spanish-language version with English subtitles. I'm not a big fan of Dubbed English. Check 'er out.

The Kids Are All Right
Great story, plot, screenplay and direction. However, it's the acting that makes this film stand apart from a lot of the crap out there today. Watching Annette Bening, Julienne Moore and Mark Ruffalo ply their trade is worth the rental alone. Writer/Director Lisa Cholodenko has created a very original film about a very unique family. Highly recommended.

Toy Story 3
Fresh new story to make this one of the best trilogies of all time. Great story. Great direction. Fantastic animation and art direction. Phenomenal flick. However, take the kids with a small warning, this is the darkest of the three. However, that's probably why I enjoyed it so much. Also, this is the only movie of 2010 that I almost cried. I said almost.

Fantastic Mr. Fox
I'll admit, I was a bit wary at the beginning of this film. The animation didn't look click for some reason. However, in less than five minutes, I completely fell in love with this film. This movie is vintage Wes Anderson in animation form with his cast of regulars lending their voices. Great, witty script by Anderson, Baumbach and - of course - Roald Dahl truly adds that special touch to the film that hurdles it over the three-star quagmire. Possibly after a couple viewings, it may sneak into a five-star film. Just a wonderful animated film that's on-par with anything Pixar or Disney has ever created.

The Road
Dark, bleak, depressing and horrific - but it's a damn good movie just the same. Director John Hillcoat once again knocks a movie out of the ballpark. And cintematographer Javier Aguirresarobe is dead on. Exactly what I pictured when I read McCarthy's book (three times!) As the book states, this movie defines what it means to be a father. However, this movie isn't for everyone. Some people watch movies to escape the drudgery of life. The Road forces you to face your humanity and, possibly, pull yourself up and fight for one more day. One of my favorite books of all time. Pretty damn good movie too.

Shutter Island
I'm not sure where all the haters were coming from with this movie (could it have been the side plot about the children?), but I thought this was not only a great Scorcese film, but a great film...period. Great acting, directing (of course!), editing by long-time Scorcese editor Thelma Shoonmaker and plot by Dennis Lehane's suspenseful novel. Lest I forget fantastic cinematography by veteran shooter Robert Richardson (KILL BILL, BASTERDS and WALL STREET). The final scene prior to credits adds another dimension that wasn't present in Lehane's book. Let the head scratching begin. Check 'er out.

Collapse
Fantastic documentary. If this doesn't wake you up about humanity and what's going to happen when we run out of oil, I'm not sure what will. Take a break from your bubble-gum comedies, vampire dramas and sci shoot-em ups and watch this film. As the front of the DVD states...Superb. Riveting. Mesmerizing. And very frightening.

The Ghost Writer
Polanski does it again. Great political thriller that is both entertaining, easy to understand and surprisingly fun! Reminded me of a Kubrick film. Great acting all around, too. Kim Catrell does a good job in an non-SEX AND THE CITY role - with all her clothes on, too! Ewan, Pierce and the rest of the cast come together to make a splendid film with a fantastic ending. Check er' out.

Winter's Bone
Fantastic film. Great directing cinematography, acting and story. In a way, this movie reminded my of Capatin Willard searching for Colonel Kurtz in APOCALYPSE NOW. But, it's a truly unique film that gives an unflinching look at poverty, deadbeat dads, drug abuse and family. Jennifer Lawrence carries this film on her shoulders as Ree Dolly. Just like 2009's under-the-radar breakout film THE HURT LOCKER, this film is not to be missed.


Well, there you have it. I'm sure it would have changed had I seen The Social Network, The Black Swan, and the other above mentioned films. But these were my personal best of 2010. Hopefully this will motivate you to check some of these flicks out that you may not have seen.

Tomorrow: The 10 Worst Movies I viewed in 2010.

Monday: The 10 Best Books I read in 2010.

Eimer's Best Netflix Reviews - Pieces of April

I thought this was appropriate for the upcoming Thanksgiving Holiday.

Truthfully, I probably would not have rented this flick unless Katie Holmes married Tom Cruise.

Not 100% accurate. More so, because I looked up her filmography on IMDB and noticed that this was the only movie I hadn't seen starring Mrs. Cruise.

Plus, everyone on the site was talking about how good it was, so I thought I’d give it a try.

Turns out I really enjoyed it and – at 88 minutes long – it was the perfect length. With tattoos, black nail polish and (Gasp!) a black boyfriend – Katie’s character is the black sheep of a rather crazy, dysfunctional family as she prepares for Thanksgiving dinner at her rather small apartment in the city. Mom has cancer and hates her daughter for being so (insert any word here). Dad is trying to paste the family together. Two siblings have their own problems as well. Plus with Grandmother in tow, you’ve got a great concoction for disaster.

The movie splits up into three parts: family’s trip to New York, Katie’s trials and tribulations of trying to prepare Thanksgiving dinner and her boyfriend’s trip through the city (A drug deal perhaps?). In any event, everything comes together and – in a sense – the end of the movie is a beginning of sorts that brings a tear to your eye.

Great little movie that could. And a perfect representation to America's most dysfunctional holiday.

GRADE: B+

Eimer's Best Netflix Reviews - The Happening

Look, I enjoyed THE RUINS. I thought it was interesting to have nature finally fighting back against mankind. I could even suspend my disbelief in to believe that Jordy Verrill was, in fact, slowly turning into a plant in the CREEEPSHOW vignette.

However with this film, I tried and tried and tried to suspend my disbelief and roll with this movie.

I just couldn’t.

The acting, the direction and the stupid, stupid script didn’t enthrall me one bit during its 90-minute run. And that bums me out because I was hoping M. Night would finally get his shit together and hit one out of the park like he did with UNBREAKABLE and THE SIXTH SENSE.

I’m now convinced that’s not going to happen unless he starts more collaboration and less dictatorship with his movies. Now when I see the words WRITTEN, PRODUCED & DIRECTED BY M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN at the beginning of a movie, I’m going to groan. And the really sucky thing about this movie is that it had potential to be a really cool horror movie. But it just turned into dumb.

From the wind blowing in the wrong direction of the jet stream to the old lady in the small town, to the wind blowing and more wind blowing to signify some type of Jason Voorhees character is on the hunt of packs of people (Which begs the question how many is too many? And I didn’t know nature could count?) this movie is so ludicrous that it’s not even worth talking about anymore.

Okay one more thing. In the extras section of the DVD, there’s an anatomy of a scene production where, it appears M. Night spent about three-to-four days shooting this one scene where a jeep rams into a tree and bodies are thrown from the vehicle. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a cool scene. But, as I was watching this production I was thinking to myself that M. Night should have focused more time tinkering with his terrible script than trying to film a cool scene for the masses.

In a nutshell, that’s what bothers me about this film and his last film LADY IN THE WATER…plenty of tree bark, but no bite.

GRADE: F-

Eimer's Best Netflix Reviews - The Cutting Edge: The Magic of Movie Editing

Great documentary about the less sexy, but most important part of the the movie-making process - editing.

With comprehensive interviews of the some of the best editors working today, not to mention Academy Award winning directors, the movie rolls along at a fine pace.

If you're into film as an art form, you'll love the stories from Speilberg talking about the editing of JAWS and SCHINDLER'S LIST, and Scorcese talking about his long-time editor, Academy-award winner Thelma Schoonmaker.

As if that weren't all, you get to see Academy-Award winning editor, Walter Murch, ply his trade as he edits a scene from Anthony Minghella's COLD MOUNTAIN.

What a cool, interesting, fun documentary.

GRADE: A

Eimer's Best Netflix Reviews - Mr. Brooks

Judging from everyone I talked to concerning this film, I thought Mr. Brooks was going to be fucking awesome.

However, about halfway in, I found myself experiencing the reverse. I was a bit bored and annoyed with the five different plot points in the film:

• Kevin Costner being a serial killer
• Demi Moore divorcing her ex-husband
• Dane Cook wanting to be a serial killer
• Costner's daughter
• And let's not forget the escape of another serial killer from prison.

A book would have been a better way to go with this than a movie. There's just too much content to weave a plausible storyline.

One idea would be to just focus on Mr. Brooks and his daughter, have William Hurt and police officer Demi Moore come in halfway through and set the movie in the daughter's college town. Without giving too much away, that alone would make a suspenseful two hour flick.

Although the movie looked pretty in terms of production, cinematography and direction, I wasn't fooled. Duo directors Evans and Gideon were looking to make a serial killeresque LOCK, STOCK AND TWO SMOKING BARRELS, or even a PULP FICTION mass murderer flick.

But, instead these two chickens laid a big, fat, brown turd.

GRADE: F

Eimer's Best Netflix Reviews - The Illustrated Man

I was very disappointed in this movie.

After reading Ray Bradbury's book of the same name, I was expecting so much more from this flick, which highlighted three of the better short stories from the book.

Director Jack Smight completely bastardizes and rewrites two of the vignettes (The Last Day of the World and The Long Rain) and fails to capture the essence of the other (The Veldt).

'Hey man quit comparing the book to the movie,' you might scream. Well, the movie does not stand on its own either. Overacted, over-directed, under-produced, and extremely under budget, there's too much focus on the story of Illustrated Man and not enough on the fascinating stories from Bradbury.

The whole idea of the Illustrated Man was to serve a unique way to deliver his collection of short stories (a' la the Crypt Keeper from TALES FROM THE CRYPT). That's it. Speaking of the stories, they could have been a lot better had they followed the same plot structure as the novel. I will give props to the director for innovatively casting Steiger and Bloom in all three chapters. That's about it. Don't waste your time on this one. Pick up the book instead.

Grade: D-

Eimer's Best Netflix Reviews - ERASER (1996)

Hello and welcome to Iron Chef where todays ingredients are for a paint-by-numbers action flick called Eraser.

STEP ONE: Take an action star and a person in trouble. For a spicier taste, make one white and the other black.

STEP TWO: Mix in some sort of plot involving sex, guns, drugs, family, revenge or money.

STEP THREE: Sprinkle in some explosions, some witty dialogue and a couple catch phrases.

STEP FOUR: Make the bad guy get his just desserts in the end.

STEP FIVE: Add a happy ending and make the two people embrace. (If its two men: they shake hands exchange witty banter. If its a woman and a man: they kiss.)

STEP SIX: Simmer for two hours. Voila! You have just created almost every action movie ever made (i.e. LETHEL WEAPON 1-4, DIE HARD 1-3, RUSH HOUR, BAD BOYS, PUNISHER etc.) In my personal opinion, this flick starring Arnold Shwarzenneger (white) and Vanessa Williams (black) signified the end of the action movie, at least for a while.

In addition to all of the above ingredients, it's very predictable, very bland and very so-so of a movie. I'm so bored, I cant even go on.

Grade: D