Friday, December 28, 2007

The Human Race Will Split In Two.

I came across this article in Britain's Daily Mail that states 100,000 years in the future, the human race will split into two distinct species.

I totally agree with this article. However, I think it's going to happen in a lot less time. 99,999 years less time, to be exact.

Anyone that's seen the movies Gattaca, Code 46, The Time Machine or even Michael Bay's crapfest The Island will understand this phenomenom. Hell, if you've picked up a copy of Popular Science, Wired or even read the Drudgereport in the past decade, you'll understand what's going on.

In the next 10 to 20 years, the rich and wealthy will be able to hire scientists to screw with their unborn child's DNA strand to create the perfect specimen.

After the spawn squirts out of rich mum's belly (or a incubator), the parents will set them up for life by placing them in the best schools, with the best teachers, dentists, coaches and doctors to ensure a pristine, perfect, high-tiered life full of possibilities and free of disease.

On the other end of the spectrum, you'll have the poor. They'll mate the old-fashioned way and simply have normal or abnormal children that look like the cast from The Hills Have Eyes. Bad acne. Big foreheads. Rotten teeth. In-grown toenails. Boogers. Wisdom teeth. And lets not forget diseases such as Super Chicken Pox and UberMonoHepatitis.

These second-class citizens will be put into detainment, refugee camps and be forced to work for the rich man and make peanuts in the process. Eventually, some will escape and live in the caves like the creatures from The Descent.

Come to think of it, it seems like it's starting to happen right now. And the lines are being drawn by where we shop.

In August, I wrote an entry about the difference between Walmart and Target shoppers.

Now for some homework.

Take a day off work and drop by both stores for an hour or two. Go ahead. Take a stroll. Write down some notes. Hell, maybe purchase an item or two.

See what I mean? Now, I hope you can understand why I think the so-called species split will happen a lot faster than 100,000 years.

On a selfish note, I can only hope that my future DNA (Pearl Jam, Baby Batter, White Butter) will eventually spread to the other side of the fence if you know what I mean.

I, for one, don't want the Eimer name to be synonomous with the houselves from the Harry Potter or Skeksis from The Dark Crystal.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

No Christmas Gifts For You!

I was a man of my word. I didn't buy anyone over 18 years of age a single gift this year.

Sure I bought my nieces, nephews and two kids some Christmas cheer. But that was it.

And guess what? Nobody's pissed off. In fact, I think people are actually happy that they didn't have to buy me anything either.

And just like Kramer shunning boxers and underwear for nothing under his pants, I'm loving every minute of it.

This holiday season, I had a blast roaming through the aisles of Target, Home Depot, WalMart and Barnes & Noble stress-free. I didn't have to search the CD aisles looking for Celine Dion's Greatest Hits for my sister-in-law or L.L. Cool J's debut album Radio for my brother.

Did I buy my aunt Chicken Soup for the Soul last year? Does my dad need another box of assorted flashlights? Does Mom really need another sweatshirt emblazoned with Ohio State Mom?

Who fucking cares!

Hard to believe, but I got my wife-to-be wrapped up in the no-holiday-gift-buying frenzy this year. Let me just say, the smile hasn't worn off her face yet. I think she enjoyed focusing strictly on the kids in the family. Hell, I even got a little kick out of hitting the toy stores searching for gifts for the little fuckers.

That was fun.

But buying a Giant Eagle fruitcake for my grandma every single year isn't fun. In fact, I've heard from reliable sources (i.e. my uncle) that grandma cuts off one piece of the fruitcake. Eats it. Than wraps the rest in aluminum foil and hides it deep, down inside the fridge like it was the Lost Ark of the Covenant. Come Springtime the thing probably resembles a Chia-pet.

Look, I know this no-buying-policy may not work for every family. I mean, who wouldn't want an extra screwdriver/socket set or Jerry Garcia tie for Christmas from your great Uncle Pete every single fucking year?

But, for this happy man, I'm going to hang on to this no-gift-over-18-policy for years and years and years to come.

Fuck it, I may even add the policy to birthdays as well. Can't wait to see how many party invitations I'll get after that.

Yep. That's right. Who fucking cares!

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Running to run (and eating anything you want).

I ran track in high school. I remember clocking my first 400-meter dash in 50 seconds. It was my sophomore year. And I was pretty proud.

After that, I sucked.

One day, I remember coming into school the day after a track meet. My government teacher, Mr. Hill, saw me coming down the hall. His arms were crossed and he had this disappointed look on his face. I thought I had been busted for cheating.

Nope. That would've been to easy. He simply arched his arm and pointed his finger over to a bulletin board that posted the previous day's track meet times. Gulp!

Eimer - 400-meters - 1:06

A 66-minute 400-meter dash. Yep, pretty pathetic.

Suffice to say, the next year, I gave up track and field for wrestling. Then, my senior year, I pretty much did nothing except bag groceries and drink beer. It wasn't until my freshman year in college that I noticed a slight beer gut forming right above my nether regions.

That's when I started running to stay in shape.

Since that time, running has become an almost daily ritual for me.

I've run a couple marathons, some half-marathons and numerous 5k's. I've ran in rain, snow, sleet and hot sun. I've ran in in temperatures ranging from 100-degrees to zero degrees. I've ran up mountains, on pavement, in a desert and through the mud. I've even ran in a real-life rain forest.

All for the simple joy of running. Oh, and the fact that I don't want to be a fat ass.

Oh yeah, and to eat and drink anything I want whenever I want. Although that general philosophy has changed a bit over the years.

So imagine my shock when I came across this article about running streaks.

The story is about streak runners who've ran every single day for years. And I'm not talking two or three years. I'm talking over 30. Some of them have been running longer than I've been on this Earth.

In fact, Mark Covert, a 56-year-old teacher and cross-country coach at Antelope Valley College in Lancaster, Calif., holds the longest active daily running streak of 39 years, 130 days.

Let me clarify. That's, at least one mile per day. Every single day. For almost 40 years.

These guys are the real deal Holyfield.

On a personal note, after college I kept a daily log of my runs. In the late 90's, I was going to try and run every single day for an entire year. As it turned out the heavy partying, hazy all-nighters and mind-numbing hangovers took their toll.

Sadly, I only made it a month.

Even that was pretty damn hard, especially from a psychological standpoint. Every single day I woke up, my mind started contemplating when and where I was going to get my daily run in.

That's why I think a year of everyday running can be a pretty draining experience, especially if you're on vacation.

That's also why, in my opinion, the streak runners' achievements outlined in the aobove article completely eclipse my dedication to running.

Call it insanity or a healthy addiction. But, I think these guys deserve major kudos for their achievement.

In fact, this has motivated me to attempt my one-year goal of consecutive daily runs.

However, that will have to wait a couple more years, until my two little kids are a little bit older.

Hell, maybe they'll run it with me.

To add to that, I can only hope their 400-meter-dash will be a little faster than mine as well.

Monday, December 17, 2007

The United States of Chubby

Not sure if it’s the protective parents or their lazy spawn, but kids and adults are getting less and less mobile and more and more stagnant as the years roll along.

Especially when it comes to going outside to play.
I remember years ago when my brother and I were in grade school, my mom would slowly creep into our rooms and whisper in our ear "Just wanted to tell you that school was cancelled due to snow, you can go back to sleep."

With a smile on my face, I pulled the blanket over my head and drifted off into a deep sleep in anticipation of the white gold wonderland waiting for me outside.

When we awoke, we’d go to the living room window and quickly scan the snow. After deeming the collection of flakes sled-worthy, we'd grab a quick breakfast then hit the slopes to our hearts content.

We'd go in for a quick lunch, then we'd head back out to sled, play football, go hiking in the woods and, in general, have a helluva time. As the day wore on and night fell, you could still find us outside looking for new sledding paths to carve.

Oh, what a feeling. We were dancing on the ceiling.

Last winter, when I took my dogs on a walk in Lakewood, Ohio. I’d ask myself, "Where are the fucking kids?"

No kids playing in the snow. No kids building snowmen. No kids playing with their parents outside. Where was everyone?

Oh yeah, I forgot. American Idol was on.

As the father of two young kids, I’m disgusted with how our society is teaching young children that it’s cool to stay inside and watch TV or play video games.

And eat. And eat. And eat. And eat.

These little fat kids and their fat parents need to click off their fat TV shows, get outside and breathe some oxygen.

Wait a minute!!! What am I saying?

Scratch that. On second thought, stay exactly where you are.

I hear there’s another clip show of American Idol on tonight. Better stay inside to see who gets voted off.

I want that sled-riding hill for my kids and myself.

Friday, December 14, 2007

'Heeeyyyy, Nice Golden Globes!'

Well, I checked my e-mail last night and received a ton of e-mails from this blog asking my opinion on the 2007 Golden Globe nominations.

To be honest, it wasn't a ton of e-mails. Only one.

To be totally honest, I sent myself an e-mail about the Golden Globes.

To be really, brutally honest, I'm lying. No one sent me anything.

But ANYWAY, I will say that although I really don't care too much about what the foreign press thinks, I always get a bit giddy after scanning the list of nominees. This year is no different.

Yeah, I guess you can call me a movie awards fag.

Although I've been hearing a lot of great things about Atonement (which I haven't seen), I think No Country for Old Men and There Will Be Blood have the best chance at Best Pic wins.

Nope, haven't seen either of em' but my friend Mac saw No Country. Read his review here. Plus, I talked about There Will Be Blood before right here.

I have no opinion (yet) about the actress nominations. Although I do think Amy Adams will win some awards for her performance in Enchanted. (Nope haven't seen that either).

I'm also pretty excited to see David Cronenberg's Eastern Promises get some attention. I have that particular movie in my Netflix cache and can't wait to see his follow-up to A History of Violence. I hear there's a naked male fight scene with box cutters that's out of this world. Not that I'm into that or anything.

Three biggies in the Actor category are Daniel Day Lewis for Blood, Clooney for Michael Clayton and Philip Seymour Hoffman for The Savages (which I hear is pretty damn good as well).

I think Casey Affleck will win a supporting actor award for The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford (haven't seen it), Ratatouille will win best Animated Feature Film, the Coen Brothers will win Best Direction for No Country and Diablo Cody will definitely win a Best Screenplay Golden Globe and Academy Award for Juno. (Coincidentally, I haven't seen that movie either.)

Nothing against Hal Holbrook, but I'm really surprised Into the Wild didn't get more love. Sure Eddie Vedder was nominated in both music categories for his work on the film, but that's it. (Oh sure, I haven't seen Into The Wild either, but I hear it's awesome.) I'm also surprised that Gone Baby Gone didn't get best direction and picture props.

Come to think of it. I really shouldn't be judging any of these flicks yet seeing as I've only seen Ratatouille. But, fuck it.

In the TV part, I'm happy that Mad Men is getting some props including Best Television Series and Best Actor nomination. In addition to The Wire (the final season premieres on HBO January 7), Mad Men is one of the best things on TV nowadays period. The show follows a Manhatten ad agency in the 60's. It's a different time when a majority of men were the breadwinners of the family and the women stayed home and cooked.

Of course, that's not all. The show covers racism, the division between the sexes, alcoholism and, of course, advertising. It's smartly written with great set designs, acting and impeccable attention to detail. In addition, it hits very close to home for me due to the fact that I'm a copywriter for an ad agency. I urge you to pick up the Season One DVD, whenever it comes out. Or just go watch the reruns on AMC.

Well, that's about it. I know the Golden Globes aren't that fantastic, but at least it gets some under-the-rader films out there that may spike some interest instead of Shrek 20 and Transformers 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Such as, the foreign animated feature Persepolis. Check out the trailer here. I hear the animation is very unique and, in addition to being nominated for Best Foreign Film at the Golden Globes, there's talk that it could give Ratatouille a run for its money come Academy Awards time. I'm happy it's getting it's just desserts. Now all I have to do is see it.

So, with the war in Iraq still plodding along, talk of global warming at an all time high and An upcoming recession in the United States, aren't you excited about the Golden Globes too???!!!!

Monday, December 10, 2007

The Booger Fairy

Ahhhh, Winter.

The air is wet. The ground is sloppy. It’s also the perfect time of the year for copious amounts of boogers to grow in your nostrils.

Yes people, it's BOOGER SEASON.

Armed with my handy index finger, every single day I battle this nasty little vermin living in my nose.

I pick. I pick. I pick. And I pick some more. But those little buggers (Oops I mean boogers) just keep growing back, again, again and again. It’s like some sort of crazy dandelion weed in my nose. Only browner.

On a related note, you know when you pick your nose when you're driving and you wipe it on the car seat? I'm really curious where all of those boogers go? I mean, they always seem to disappear.

I have a theory and it has something to do with the BOOGER FAIRY.

Every night, the same exact thing happens. You brush your teeth. Take a pee. Maybe rub one out. Then blow your nose. You clean out the nostril pipes, so to speak. Then you drift into slumberland.

Eight hours later, you awake to find your nose plugged up with boogs. WTF?

Well, my friend, you just got visited by the BOOGER FAIRY.

Consider her (it?) sort of a reverse tooth fairy. Instead of taking your teeth and leaving you money, the BOOGER FAIRY comes through the cracks of the sewer pipes and inserts boogers into your nose. Every. Single. Freaking. Night.

You know when you wake up and sneeze at night? Yep. You just missed the BOOGER FAIRY.

Now, I can already hear the naysayers coming out of the woodwork. "But, Eimer, don’t you think there’s a more scientific-based explanation why boogers form in your nose then the BOOGER FAIRY?"

Fuck You I say. Just like Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster and little gray men, the Booger Fairy is real.

To be honest, I really don’t care what you think...

Sooooo...what do you think?

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Super-sizing Osama Bin Laden

I haven't really talked about the War On Terror too much. I figure you can probably go to a terror-specific web site in order to get all the information you need to form a balanced opinion.

Plus, I'm not that smart.

However, when it comes to films about the war, I can talk your freakin' head off.

I've seen a handful of documentaries on the subject including Fahrenheit 911, Brokedown Palace, 911: In Plane Site, Control Room and Alive Day Memories: Home from Iraq (the HBO documentary produced by Tony Soprano) among others.

However, this new documentary by Morgan Spurlock (Super Size Me) has me intrigued. It's called Where In The World Is Osama Bin Laden.

And, here's the kicker...
Spurlock may have had a sit-down interview with Osama Bin Laden.

Color me intrigued.

I mean, your eyes (and ears) have to perk up a little bit when the film's director of photography says "We've definitely got the Holy Grail."

Like the Aint-It-Cool article said, this could be a big marketing push just to sell the movie. But, if this turns out to be true, then this film (to be released in Spring 2008) will be the biggest FUCK YOU to our current Republican administration.

And, if the documentary turns out to be all it's hyped up to be, then the name Morgan Spurlock will be a household name by the end of next year. Mark my words.

In a sense, why would the current government want to kill the man who is the No. 1 poster boy for terrorism in the United States? Why not keep him alive and keep the American suburbanites in fear? That way, they can pass further fear laws stripping us of our constitutional rights. All the while giving American idiots the false sense of security they constantly crave.

See there. Now I just realized why I don't write about the war and the current President. It's not funny. In fact, it's kind of pathetic.

That's it. I'm renting Fight Club and V for Vendetta tonight to get riled up.

Now who's with me?

Click here to read the Aint-It-Cool-News article.

Click here for Morgan Spurlock's blog.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

The First Rule of SANTA FIGHT CLUB.

Don't talk about

So, How Many Movies Have You Seen?

A couple of months ago, I took the plunge and signed up for Netflix.

Basically, you pay a monthly fee (In my case $16.99 per month). You pick the movies you want (In my case, I opted for the three out at a time package). And voila! Your movies are in the mail and in your DVD player in a day or two.


Going by Blockbuster Video prices (of $4.50 per movie), if I'm on the three-movie Netflix plan and I view four DVDs per month, I've more than made my money back. And that's not even counting the free postage.

For example, this past month I've viewed six DVDs. So, right now, I'm $10 ahead. By Vegas standards that's pretty good.

During summer, however, I'm sure my viewing habits will change. That's fine, I'll just change my plan to one movie out at a time, which will cut down my fee to about $6.99 per month.

Like I said, it's brilliant.

ANYHOW...One of the perks of being a Netflix member is the fact that you can A.) write reviews and B.) rate all of the movies you've seen on five-star basis.

When work is slow (which it has been this past month), I find myself on the site rating movies that I've viewed. If need be, I'll also write a brief review.

It's almost turning into an obsessive-complulsive disorder. Whenever I have any free time, I find myself on the site searching my memory banks for distant movies. In fact, it's been so insane that I probably have the following conversations with myself on a daily basis....

"Oh yeah, remember when I was eight and I went to see The Cat from Outer Space and The Apple Dumbling Gang at the drive-in? Better go to Netflix and rate 'em"


"Hey, I remember Meatballs 3 with Patrick Dempsey. I saw that twice at the theater! Time to go to Netflix and rate it."

Not bragging or anything, but as it turns out, I've rated about 2,942 DVDs. I'm 35-years-old. So that equates to about 84 DVDs per year since birth. And 7 DVDs per month since birth.

And I'm being honest here. I haven't seen classics like Gone With The Wind or Singin' in the Rain. Sure, I've seen snippets of the movies (who hasn't), but I haven't actually sat down and watched them. Thus, I haven't rated them.

And since Netflix doesn't sell pornos, they aren't on the list either (Although I guess that would up the ante by only 100 or so. I prefer the internet and magazines, you perverts.)

It's funny because when you rate that many movies on Netflix, they sort of have these lame recommendations for you such as old Mickey Mouse collections (Steamboat Willy?), Three Stooges collections and My Little Pony TV series stuff. I also received a recommendation for the silent movie Battleship Potemkin by Sergei Eisenstein (Seen it. Rated it.).

It's a sad day when you've only been a member for a couple months and your Netflix recommendation cache has already run dry.

Like I said. Some people will think my DVD total is pretty impressive. Some will think I need to get a life. Personally, I'm shocked. However, after I clicked on a couple days ago, I didn''t feel like such a geek.

I came across this entry about a film critic who has been keeping tabs on his movie viewing habits since he was 12-years-old. Turns out he's seen more than 7,000.

I wonder if he's counting pornos as well?

Monday, December 3, 2007

Monday (Semi) Sports Rant

Wow. After Illinois defeated the Buckeyes at home. I thought to myself, "Oh well, we'll beat Michigan and go on to the Rose Bowl." I was content to watch the Buckeyes shut up all the naysayers and plant a foot up USC's ass this year. Plus, it was a New Year's bowl game, which I prefer instead of waiting until Monday, January 7. On the flip side, I think it's great the Buckeyes are - once again - playing for a National Championship. I can't believe Missouri and WVU lost on Saturday. I've never used the 'LAST' button on my remote control more than flipping between those two games. That said, I watched a couple interviews with LSU Head Coach Les Miles after last night's announcement. Don't know about you, but the guy seems a bit cocky to me. Sort of reminds me of Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis before he got his ass handed to him 34-20 in the Fiesta Bowl a couple years back. Here's what I think. Ohio State will kick Les's ass at LSU. Then, when he takes the coaching job at Michigan next year, the Bucks will kick Les's ass again at Ohio Stadium. Keep talking Les. Keep talking.

Does Ohio State deserve to be in the Championship game? Probably. However, I do think there's another team that deserves the right even before the Bucks and that's Hawaii. How is it possible to go undefeated in your regular season and not play in the national championship? Must be hard, because no other team in the Division I rankings has done it this year except Hawaii. "Strength of schedule, dude!" Yeah. Yeah. Whatever. If you go by that defense, then, with the exception of playing Penn State, Purdue and Michigan, Ohio State has no right in the championship game either. And I'm not even counting the loss to Illinois, who were unranked at the time. (Just being honest, here). If we're not going to mimic Division II and III and have a playoff system (which seems to work well in those divisions) I say we just go back to the old bowl way and let all the good college team play on New Year's Day. I used to love that shit. What better way to judge the year's best teams than watching them all the same day? Then - like the Heisman trophy is decided - let the polls, coaches and sportswriters decide. Seems like it would work better than the current BCS system.

Everyone has their favorite Evel moment. For my brother and I, it was when he jumped the pool of sharks. After we watched that show, I remember going outside, building bike ramps with plywood and bricks and jumping various things, even each other. There were many movies, people and television shows that fed our hopes and dreams of being professional stuntmen. Evel Knievel stood high atop the list. The man was an inspiration for an entire generation of wannabe backyard daredevils. He'll be missed, but his legacy will live on at many state and county fairs around the country.

Well, I finished 12th out of 13th in my Fantasy Football league. I'm just not cut out for this stuff. I went online and checked out various FF tips and tactics. Nothing has worked. One guy on our team has every Patriots player imaginable. He lost one game, which coincidentally, was the Patriots bye week. FAG. In any event, I think it would be really, really funny if A.) The Jets beat the Patriots in the final game of the season. B.) The Patriots lose in the Superbowl. Ha. Ha. Look, I said in a previous entry that it was fun watching the Pats kick everyone's ass. Now I'm not so sure. Seems like everyone is on the bandwagon. Hell, I've seen fresh Patriots bumper stickers on cars across Northeast Ohio. I saw about 10 or 15 people wearing Patriots jerseys at the mall yesterday. Before you ask, yes I went to the mall yesterday (I took my daughter to see Santa). But it was in Cleveland!! What happened to city pride mother fuckers. If you ask me, this whole thing is getting sort of lame. I'm going a complete 180 on this. I think it's time for the Patriots to lose.

Look, right now, I could care less about the NBA. Even the Cleveland Cavaliers. I think the NBA season is too long. Seriously, nobody starts to care about NBA basketball until after the fourth quarter of the Superbowl in February. Here's my idea. Tip off the season in January and play three games a week until the end of March. Then, have a playoff that lasts until the end of April. That's it. Period. Season over.

The Wire is, by far, one of the best dramatic television series I've seen. Ever. It's well written. Well directed. And well acted. I shit you not, the acting is top notch. Even better than Six Feet Under, The Sopranos , NYPD Blue and M*A*S*H combined. If you've never seen an episode, I suggest you rent Season 1 and go from there. The series takes place in Baltimore. It covers the corruption, the drug trade, the dockworkers, the schools and the cops that are trying to fight crime in this decaying city. Good stuff. I'm surprised this series hasn't been nominated for any Emmys. I guess mainstream America can't handle the content. Bunch a pussies!

I work in downtown Cleveland. After watching the movie Transformers, I find myself glancing up in the sky and watching for debris - in particular cement gargoyles - falling from the buildings due to the Autobots and Decepticons battling for supremacy in the city.

Well, I really don't hate Christmas, per se. I like the lights. I like the Christmas Tree part of it. I like the songs. I like the cartoons. Come to think of it, I guess I like Christmas. I just hate the buying. The pressure to buy a gift for a loved one is out of this world. And in the end, you're basically just exchanging gift cards for the same price. That's why, this year, I told my family I'm not getting them anything. And I told my fiance I'm not getting her anything, either (Yeah, that's right mother fucker!). In fact, the only people we're buying for this year are A.) Our kids and B.) Nieces and nephews. I think it should be a law that, during Christmas, the only people you should buy for are kids 18-and-under. Period.

Come to think of it, I do hate Christmas.