Murder Hill 2: Electric Boogaloo

In my basement, I have 10, 11 (or 15) boxes of stuff that I've collected over my years on this Earth. I've hauled these boxes from house to house, starting when I moved out of my parent's house for good, way back in 1991.

What's in these boxes you ask? Drawings, crayons, action figures, old watches term papers, magazine clips, sketch books, Playboys, Fangoria, etc. Basicaly a lot of stuff. I know (I hope) my kids will love going through these boxes because there's a lot of stuff in those boxes of stuff that shows my stuff (if you know what I mean).

Once in a blue moon when I'm feeling a bit nostalgic, I open one of these boxes and, take an hour or two, to rummage through the contents, searching for any funny, creative buried treasures.

Well lo and behold, I came upon another interesting Eimer drawing (circa early 1980's) that could give Murder Hill and Richie Rich a run for it's money. It's a before and after type drawing, but taken to the extreme.

BEFORE
(click to enlarge)

AFTER
(click to enlarge)

Oh, that's not all. This one particular box had some pretty funny stuff that I drew, and wrote, in my youth.

Definitely more to come.

Beer, cigarettes, my kids and demolition derbies.

So there I was. Sunday night. Sitting there staring at Elmo's World with my two kids.

For some reason, my mind reverted back to grade school. It was summer or, to be even more descriptive, possibly Indian Summer. Late September. Early October.

Almost every year in my early childhood, my mom and dad would toss us into the car and drive out to St. Clairsville, Ohio, for the Belmont Country Fair where we would stuff our faces on elephant ears, funnel cakes, corn dogs and freshly squeezed lemonade.

Then, we would go see other fantastic attractions like crappy birdhouses at the 4-H tent, bulls eating hay at the farm tent and older kids busting balloons with darts for Van Halen mirrors on the midway.

On this particular day, however, we didn't come for the funnel cakes or the cows eating hay.

We came for the mother-fuckin' demolition derby!!!!

Now, I'm not sure of the chemical make-up of boys. Or why my brother and I enjoyed destruction as much as we did (or do). But, when we found out we were going to see the demolition derby the night before, we couldn't sleep. It was like Christmas in late August. To top it off, the fact that both our birthdays were in July, we had three Christmases (Christmasi?) every year.

And yes, the demolition derby was awesome. If you're a guy, you totally understand why. There's just something about 20 cars crunching, banging and slamming together that gets a guy really excited. It feels like you're in a fistfight against 50-some guys in a scunched up hallway.

And let's not even talk about the busted windows and exploding radiators.

It's almost as exciting as seeing a lady naked. Butt nekkid.

I said almost.

So there I was watching Elmo's World, staring at my son and daughter running around, doing a jig to the Elmo's World theme song and, in general, just having a good ol' time with life.

Then, for a couple minutes, I found an evil Grinch smile form across my face.

I have a son, and perhaps a daughter, who will wholeheartedly go see a demolition derby with me. And by wholeheartedly, I mean without question. And by without question, I mean forced.

Because, you see, my wife might not be interested in seeing a demolition derby, but goddamn it if my kid's aren't going to go with me.

We'll see. I just may get my youth back yet.

The Interpretation of Time Through The Years

As I get older and older, I'm slowly realizing that time moves pretty fucking fast.

But, on the other side of the coin, why does an hour in a waiting room seem so freaking slow when you're six-years old compared to when you're, say, 36-years old?

Very weird, indeed.

Which sparked my mind about a Tom the Dancing Bug cartoon that I came across in the Columbus' Alternative Rag, The Other Paper, waaaaaaay back in 1997.

For some reason, it's stood the test of time inside my brain. And, thanks to the power of the internets, I finally was able to grab a copy online.

Check it out. I'm still not so sure why this strip in particular is so ingrained in my brain compared to all the other great cartoons out there (i.e. Calvin & Hobbes, Hate, The Far Side, Zits, etc.)

Click here for the cartoon.

Murder Hill Revisited

A couple weeks ago, I was rummaging through a big box of stuff searching for my 2005 tax return (don't ask).

Although I didn't find the tax return, I was extremely excited to unearth this long-forgotten piece of early Eimer lore (click on each image to enlarge):



I was around eight-years old when my brother, my neighbor Tony and I wrote up our secret plans for Murder Hill, a torture area for enemies who breached our secret hideout.

It was our Guantanamo Bay. It was our little own Abu Gharib Prison. It was our little Hostel getaway where we could hop off the school bus and blow off some steam by torturing our very own terrorists before dinner.

Geneva Convention be damned! I now introduce you to Top Secret Plans of Murder Hill, which was a real, authentic clubhouse designed by my brother and I nestled somewhere in the Martins Ferry, Ohio, countryside. My lawyer also advised me to say that no real tortures took place during this time.

You Must Say Password To Continue. (HINT: It rhymes with PILL)

MURDER HILL JAIL

This was a very interesting drawing by yours truly. First off, I'm not sure what benefit a 'Mote(sp) of Dirt around the jail' would have. But, hey, I was smart enough to realize there was no way in hell we were going to build a moat of water and stock it with a fire-breathing dragon. So a moat of dirt seemed like the next best thing. Also, I think my early viewing of prison movies led me to engineer a 'door to put food through' and to include no handles on the inside of the jail. Eat your heart out Frank Lloyd Wright.


MURDER HILL PLANS


The plans were pretty straight-forward. However, I think I needed a bit more creativity on the No Trespassing signs. In regards to entry #3 (Get Hat Off Rack), my brother and I had an extensive hat collection. In essence, I think the act of choosing a hat off our rack was a quicker way to initiate someone into our gang than getting a skull tattoo, which I'm sure was discussed.

In regards to entry #2 (Make Two Things That Will Hurt People), Tony and I got a little overambitious and decided to create three things that will hurt people. On that note, I'm not too sure where my brother's torture device drawings were. Perhaps, being three years older than us, he pulled the hierarchy card and opted out of this particular plan.


MURDER HILL TORTURE DEVICES
Here are three torture ideas from Tony who, ironically, went on to become a jet fighter pilot for the United States Air Force (no kidding):

My personal favorite is the go-cart torture. I give Tony props for using his go-kart to create a very effective and wicked torture device.

And now, I introduce my three torture devices. All mispellings aside, my ideas are a little more copy-heavy than my neighbors. Some may even think a bit more creative. However, I'll let you be the judge of that:

Personally, I think all of my torture devices rock. But, if I were to build a torture chamber in the near future (say in a year or two), I would definitely use the hammer/mouth torture as a marquee attraction to lay some psychotic pain on unwanted intruders.


MURDER HILL WHEN DONE


Well, there you have it, the blueprint of Murder Hill when finished (or 'done' as I eloquently stated). I like how the author (i.e. myself) also teased future members with the possibility that this wasn't it. Oh, there were many, many more torture devices in the pipeline for the Murder Hill Gang

Just like Fight Club, this was only the beginning of something bigger and better. Tyler Durden would be proud.

I'm still on the lookout for the other top-secret files that I created for another one of our gangs, The A-Team, a blatant rip-off of the hit TV show. Of course, I was Col. John 'Hannibal' Smith (played by George Peppard in the show) because I also loved it when a plan came together.

Much like the Murder Hill Plans you see above.