Monday, March 31, 2008

Cellphone Tumors Are Awesome!

I found this little news blurb about the dangers of cellphone use today, which sparked my memory.

A couple weeks ago, I was driving to work enjoying the mellow sounds of Pantera, when I came across this Black Jetta zig-zagging across the road.

The person driving the car was on the double yellow line. The car would suddenly careen back-and-forth between lanes without using a blinker. The person driving almost smacked into the guardrail.

Immediately I thought to myself, "The person driving this car is either...":

  1. Old.

  2. Asian.

  3. An old asian.

  4. Some drunk hillbilly.

  5. A woman on her stupid cellphone.
I cruised up next to the car and, sure enough, it was #5: a woman on her stupid cellphone.

Ding. Ding. Ding. I win the retard lottery.

Her back was arched like a little old lady. Her hand was in a clawed position with her pretzel fingers cupped over her tiny, little cell-phone.

And her lips were flapping in the breeze as she was laughing and giggling to other person on the line. And,of course,she wasn’t paying attention to the road.

Let the record show that I’m a little scared of women drivers to begin with. Now, ladies, before you start getting all pissed off. Don't think us guys haven't seen you fondling your hair, tweezing your eyebrows and putting on make-up while driving with your knees.

But when they're armed with their portable little devils, I'm even more terrified.

Who was she talking to at 8 a.m.? More importantly, what was she talking about? American Idol? Josh Groban? Justin Timberlake? McDreamy from Grey’s Anatomy?

That's the stuff women talk about, right?

To make matters worse, this babe almost hit me. Not once, but twice.

I gave her the old ‘I’m going to beat you down if you don't get back in your lane’ glare, like you wouldn’t believe. She was oblivious.

She finally looked over and I shot her my patented dagger eyes. "Pay attention to the fucking road," I screamed to her in my mind.

Then, I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and silently prayed to the Lord that she would get tumor on the side of her head from extensive cell-phone use.

Then I got to thinking that maybe, just maybe, cell-phone head tumors aren’t bad.

Maybe cellhone tumors are beneficial to the world. Just like humans no longer needing their tailbones, wisdom teeth and appendix , I have a theory that cell-phone tumors are natural selection working overtime.
  1. Woman constantly talks on a cell phone in the car.

  2. Her body responds by growing a tumor on the side of her talking ear.

  3. Tumor grows and eventually surrounds the ear area.

  4. Girl can easily insert a cell phone into the tumor area.

  5. While keeping both hands on the wheel of the car, she can talk to her girlfriends in peace and harmony with convenient cell-phone tumor ear.
Pretty soon (say four generations from now) everyone will have these cell-phone inserting tumors so we can fly around in our spacecars hands-free.

It's Natural Selection Baby!

I also have a theory that some of these younger people (both men and women) think they’re never going to die in a car accident.

A lot of these kids have been brought up in in their gated communities, without witnessing anything bad ever happening. EVER.

This one particular twentysomething woman I was talking to a couple months ago at work mentioned she had never been to a funeral in her life. Can you believe that? Twenty-years old and never been to a funeral!

Crazy shit man.

I’m thinking some of their parent’s haven’t even told their kids that they're going to eventually die. Maybe that’s why they’re driving like idiots on the road while talking on their cell phone. They think they’re freaking immortal.

I'm done bitching. Where's my Geritol.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

When I'm Bored #1

When I'm bored, I like to visit Web sites such as Break and Youtube and search for funny videos of kids getting drilled in the head by balls.

Little Girl Vs Soccer Ball - Watch more free videos

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Why isn't RAGE touring in the United States this year?


Ahh, the great lyrics from the song Killing In The Name screamed by Rage Against the Machine frontman Zach De La Rocha.

I sing this song so much in my head that I should have a bumper sticker emblazoned on my car. Hell, I should get a tattoo or even a bracelet with the letters FYIWDWYTM. Take that Lance Armstrong.

I've had the privilege of seeing Rage Against the Machine waaaaaaay back in the 1993 as the opening band at Lollapalooza 3 in Columbus, Ohio. Since then, I've been mesmerized by Tom Morello's unorthodox guitar playing, Tim Commerford's bass, Brad Wilk's hostile drums combined with Rocha's angry political rants.

When they recently got back together last year for a couple benefit concerts to Fight the Power, myself (along with other fans) were curious...

"So, are they back together for good? And, if so, are they going to tour."

Well, in addition to their first concert as a reunited band at Coachella Valley Music Festival on January 2007 and a couple other tours last year under the moniker Rock the Bells with Wu-Tang Clan and Cypress Hill, they toured. But, not much.

Then, late last year, they announced tour dates overseas in New Zealand, Belgium, Germany, and Scotland among others. In fact, according to their Web site, Rage's schedule is booked all the way until July 13 when they perform in Ireland.

Which leads me to my question: Why isn't Rage Against The Machine touring in the United States during one of the most important elections of our time?

We've got McCain, who's vowing not to leave Iraq for 100 years. We've got the possibility of a first-ever black president elected to office. Not to mention a female presidential candidate. We've got a shitty economy, our politicians are fucking us over right and left (including prostitutes I might add).

Simply put, we've got a dark political cloud hanging over our country and the country's most political band out there right now is touring in Antwerp, Belgium?


C'mon guys. We need your angst in America.

According to a brief article I found on Chicago Tribune's website, it's rumored that Radiohead, Nine Inch Nails, Wilco and Rage will headline this year's Lollapalooza held at Chicago's Grant Park on Aug. 1-3 (The official lineup will be announced April 7).

But, as far as possible American tour dates for this year are concerned, that's all I found.

Maybe I'm jumping the gun here. Maybe Rage Against the Machine already has a plan. Maybe they'll return to the United States in late summer and join together with other political-minded groups (perhaps the Beastie Boys?) for a fall tour to get people pissed off about our government, to get people to register to vote and celebrate the NeoCon's demise.

Or maybe they'll continue to tour overseas while our nation witnesses political history being made.

In an interview on on May 1, 2007, Tom Morello said:

“I think that the one thing about the Rage catalog is that to me none of it feels dated. You know, it doesn't feel at all like a nostalgia show. It feels like these are songs that were born and bred to be played now.”

Hey Morello, 'to be played NOW' in America. Not 'to played NOW' in Belgium.

All I'm saying is, just like V for Vendetta we need to WAKE UP and smell the coffee Mr. Laruso! We need yo put a fist in the air in the land of hypocrisy. We need a little RAGE to get us motivated about the upcoming political election.

Now, where's that mosh pit?

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Dream Review #3 - My Two Dumb Sons

A couple nights ago, I had a dream where I had two teenaged sons who looked like the Hanson brothers from the movie Slap Shot.

And they were stupid.

And by stupid I mean they couldn't speak English very well, they couldn't read, they couldn't feed themselves and their mouths were always agape with drool constantly running out.

Oh yeah. And they both had that little brown trailer-trash dirt rings around their mouths.

I gave one of my sons the book Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk and told him to read it.

"This is good. This is important. You should read this," I told him. "It will make you think about your life in a different way."

I left the room to do some dishes and came back to find him staring at the book....upside down.

"I know you're not really reading it," I yelled as grabbed the book out of his hands and threw it against the wall. "Why don't you and your brother just try a little harder?"

He stared back at me with an empty gaze and, of course, drool dripping from his mouth.

I grabbed my other son by the hand and took him downstairs to watch a movie in this elaborate home movie theater we had in our basement. There were about 10,000 DVDs lining the wall. Everything from Citizen Kane to No Country For Old Men and everything in between.

I asked him to pick out a movie.

He scanned the DVDs and quickly chose Just My Luck a stupid romantic comedy starring Lindsay Lohan.

"Dude, we've got every movie imaginable and you want to watch this?" I screamed at him. "How about Apocalypse Now directed by Francis Ford Coppola? How about The Killing directing by Stanley Kubrick? How about anything besides Just My Luck."

He searched the DVD wall again and produced another movie:

It was Leonard Part 6.

I let out a huge sigh and acquiesced. Tonight, we would watch Bill Cosby make a boob of himself.

As I tossed the movie into the DVD player, I silently and secretly damned my two stupid, drooling sons to hell.

When I awoke, I somehow blamed myself for my two dumb sons' stupidity.

Hmmm. A guilty parent? Imagine that.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Watch Your Step, Here's More Bigfoot Shit

Here's some more Bigfoot observations, news and links:

  • If you've read this blog before, you'll know my undying wanderlust for any non-blurry evidence of Bigfoot. Well, the movie that started it all, was in a small theater in Moundsville, West Virginia, that my parents took my brother and I to see when we were little. It was called Sasquatch, The Legend of Bigfoot - a psuedo-documentary about a group of scientists and hunters searching for the existence of Bigfoot. In any event, I've been trying to find a good deal on an original movie poster and finally I found one from a guy on Ebay for the low, low price of $20. Not too shabby. Now I've got to find someone to professionally frame it for $80. Oh, and also convince my wife-to-be to hang it in our house somewhere.

  • I found an article today on concerning a new Bigfoot film titled Not Your Typical Bigfoot Movie. It's about two guys from Portsmouth, Ohio, who want to make something out of their lives. And that something, my friends, is finding substantiated proof that Bigfoot exists. Sound familiar? I hope not.

  • Speaking of hunting Bigfoot, when (if) the weather breaks, my buddy and I are going to visit one location in Cuyahoga Valley National Park, where a Class A Bigfoot sighting in 1995 was reported to a few years back. I'll have a full story with photographs sometime in the near future. That is, if we survive. Heck, we might even make a movie called Not Your Typical Bigfoot Movie 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Well, that's about it today. How about you? Got any Bigfoot news to share?

Thursday, March 20, 2008

The Fine Art of Internet Self-Diagnosing

Thanks, in part, to the internet, I’m a big self-diagnoser.

About 10 years ago, I started feeling tired, urinating frequently and my mouth was all cottony.

Did I write it off and admit that, more than likely, it had to do with drinking?

Hell no. I went on the internet, typed in my symptoms and found out I had diabetes.

Oh, yeah. I was so convinced I had diabetes I went to the doctor who, after rolling his eyes, offered me a piss test. A couple days later, he called me up and told me that nothing was wrong.

His recommendation: Replace the drugs and alcohol with a good night's sleep and ingest some fruits, vegetables and lots and lots of water.

Oh, and he also suggested I find a good psychologist. PFFfffft. Yeah right!

In those ten years, with the help of the internet, I have unsuccessfully diagnosed myself with the the following ailments, all of which were negated by a doctor:
  • Brain Tumor

  • Lymphoma

  • Potential Stroke

  • Heart Disease

  • Diabetes(again)

  • Skin Cancer

  • Cataracts

  • Aneurysm

  • Colon Cancer

  • Testicular Cancer

  • Early-onset Alzheimer’s

  • Muscular Dystrophy

Now I realize this is a slight case of hypochondria. But, sooner or later, one of my self-diagnosiseseses(?) will eventually pan out to be true.

Let's hope it's later in my life than earlier.

Oops. Gotta run. I’m late for a doctor’s appointment.

There’s a lump in my mouth and I’m convinced I have mouth cancer from that one time I used Skoal pouches in high school.

At least that's what the internet told me.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

In Search Of a Warm Easter In Ohio.

Not sure if I'm totally believing all of Al Gore's rhetoric, but when it comes to Easter, I'm thinking there's some sort of global warming conspiracy going on.

When I was a little lad, I remember waking up on Easter Sunday to green grass, bright sun, colorful tulips blooming in the garden and a warm breeze ruffling through my bowl cut hair.

Some people may say that I'm crazy and this memory was something that I couldn't have possibly experienced in Ohio.

But, I asked my brother, my family and I even talked various friends and co-workers around my age (35). And all of them concur, the Ohio Easters of my youth were a lot different than the Easters we're witnessing nowadays.

Our Easters now consist of cold winds, muddy ground, gray skies, steel clouds and perhaps a flurry or two.

You would think we were celebrating Jesus' Birth rather than his Resurrection.

Well according to an article I found in The Athens News Courier, this year we can toss Al Gore out of the equation all together.

As it turns out, this is the second-earliest Easter....ever.

This year's Easter is March 23. The earliest Easter can be observed is March 22, which last occurred in 1818. According to the article, the next time Easter will be this early will be in 2228.

So, in five or six years, perhaps my kids will be hunting easter eggs outside in shorts and t-shirts rather than snowpants, galoshes and ski caps.

If Al Gore has anything to say about it, they will.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Ahhhhh.....Spring Break.

Yep, it’s that time of year...

Spring Break.

I already know what makes men tick. But, I'm curious what makes women so giddy and excited when they go on Spring Break?

I'm pretty sure it's the same thing...but with reservations.

I was talking to my girlfriend about Spring Break. We both went into exhaustive details about our various college Spring Breaks.

The conversation ended and, all of a sudden, the room got eerily quiet.

I glanced over at my girlfriend and she was deep in thought, staring into the unknown with this big smile on her face.

My guess is she was thinking about all the guys she banged on Spring Break.

And it’s not just her. I’ve talked to many professional women (lawyers, doctors, graphic designers, accountants, managers, etc.) about Spring Break and they all get this whimsical, nostalgic look on their faces.

Again, what makes women so giddy and excited when they go on Spring Break?

I think its a number of things, but mainly it has something to do with getting crazy in front of a bunch of guys they’ll never see again.

She’s from Ohio. He’s from Texas. “Who cares,” she says. “I’ll bang him nine different ways. I’m never going to see him again!”

She’s from Ohio. He’s from Ohio. SCREEEECH. “No way,” she says. “There’s too crazy of a chance I’ll see him at a Cleveland Indians game and he’ll start pointing me out to his friends.”

On my various Spring Break adventures, I’ve met women who were high school valedictorians, band girls, pre-med students and, even, a woman who was going to be a nun (just kidding).

And, guess what? They were all crazy during Spring Break.

I don't know how they were at their various colleges around the country. But down here in the sun, they all gave it up. Well, at least, in some way or form.

Remember the movie The Perfect Storm? It's about this boating crew stranded out in the Atlantic and bombarded by three different storms coming together to form the craziest storm a meteorologist ever could imagine. Well, that’s Spring Break for these girls. I like to call it The Perfect Orgy or Hardbodies (which, by the way, is a great movie!)

Hey Ladies. Here's a college equation for you...
Away from the parents + Away from prying eyes x Warm sun / Alchoholic beverages = a handful of women ready to let off some steam, have some fun and bang some guys.

Hey, you're not going to see me complaining. Like I said before, I love Spring Break.

Friday, March 14, 2008

An Essay of Eyes Wide Shut

On Friday, July 16, 1999, at approximately high noon, I was in the theater awaiting Stanley Kubrick's swan song, the sexual odyssey known as Eyes Wide Shut.

There were about five other people in the only Columbus theater to house the film. Having taken the day off of work, I was a bit shocked at the low-turnout to say the least.

After the movie, I was bemused and a bit exhausted. Yet exhilarated. It felt like I ran a marathon...with my eyes. It was a pure Kubrick film: Undefinable, Uncategorical and Uninhibited.

Then came the negative reviews. Then came Tom Cruise fans bashing the film. Then came the film's quick exit from the theaters and onto DVD oblivion.

However, after the initial viewing, I still can't get the images, the dialogue and overall mystique of Eyes Wide Shut out of my head. Even today, momentary images of the film shoot through my brain on almost a daily basis including:

  • A panty-clad Nicole Kidman discussing her sexual fantasy

  • The two hot models who want to take Cruise over the rainbow

  • The overdosed nude lady sprawled on a couch

  • Nick Nightengale and the password Fidelio

  • The invitation-only sex party

  • The masquerade mask on the pillow

  • The creepy piano score throughout the film

  • And many, many more

  • Eight years later, my feelings haven't changed about the film. I think Eyes Wide Shut is still a work of genius. I love the pacing. I love the cinematography. I love the tone. I love the sexual dirtiness of it all.

    To be honest, there isn't too much about the film that I don't like made by, arguably, the best filmmaker that has ever lived.

    So, imagine my surprise when I came across this in-depth essay on the film by Jamie Stuart on

    If you're a fan of the movie, I would strongly recommend you read this. Stuart attempts to peel away the film to its bare bones and talks about why this remarkable, yet misunderstood, film was overlooked by a bevy of critics, film lovers and fans of Kubrick.

    Whether you agree or disagree with Stuart's insight, it's a very interesting read nonetheless.

    Tuesday, March 11, 2008

    Why do we still compare films to Citizen Kane?

    A couple years ago I watched a movie called Raising Helen. It wasn't good. It wasn't bad.

    It was meh.

    At work the next day, some young lady at lunch brought up the movie. (I guess it was popular at the time).

    "I'm just wondering if it's good or not," she said from across the table. "I'm not sure if I want to invest two hours of my life in it if it sucks."

    "I saw it," I chirped from behind my newspaper with a mouthful of Charlie's Steakery Chicken Philly sandwich hanging out of my mouth.

    "You did?" she seemed a bit surpised. (I guess I didn't look like a romantic comedy type of guy) "What did you think?"

    "Well," I responded looking up from a rather sad Funky Winkerbean comic strip. "It's no Citizen Kane."

    [Insert bird chirping and grasshoppers clicking sound]

    "But, I haven't seen Citizen Kane," the plucky, little 25-year old replied.

    Of course she hadn't seen Citizen Kane.

    In fact, if I were to take a poll, I would bet money that 75% of people under 30-years old haven't seen it either.

    Sure, movie aficionados from all over the world have seen what many people consider the very best motion picture in terms of story, intricate plot, cinematography, extraordinary acting and overall direction.

    When someone refers to Citizen Kane, they're bringing up a quality film that's reaped a huge amount of rewards, accolades and respect from not only the movie-going public and critics but non-movie lovers as well. Simply put, director/screenwriter Orson Welles and his crew made the quintessential film of which every other motion picture is judged.

    Or rather that's why everyone used to bring it up.

    For all of those unaware, Citizen Kane was made in 1941. Now, I'm thinking to myself, there has got to be another movie made in the past 67 years that can be comparable to this fine piece of filmmaking.

    So there I was, mouth agape, with french fries dipped in ketchup dangling from my mouth. A table of women stared back at me waiting for a response.

    The brain was working. The factory was processing information. Suddenly the light bulb flickered and my motor skills kicked back into sequence.

    "Well," I said as I commenced chewing. "It's no Shawshank Redemption, but it's worth seeing."

    "Oh, thanks, I guess I'll check it out then," she said as she continued her conservation with her co-workers about how mush she adores Kate Hudson.

    Game. Set. Match. Genius.

    So, there you have it. From now on, when I'm comparing a so-so film to a great masterpiece of a film, I'm thinking about swapping Citizen Kane with The Shawshank Redemption.

    To further add to my defense I pulled this quote from

    As with many films that gained legendary status as years went by, such as Blade Runner and Citizen Kane - [Shawshank] prospered on home video. It has thrived on IMDb's Top 250 for quite some years, almost always in the top five. The simple fact is that the film speaks to a lot of people on some level, and its message of hope and inspiration is one that appeals to vast arrays of people. Some great movies are more geared towards certain demographics, whereas Shawshank has almost universal appeal, and that's probably why it is so well-regarded on sites like IMDb.

    You know what? I couldn't have said it better myself.

    Friday, March 7, 2008

    Rendezvous with David Fincher

    I'm a big fan of director David Fincher.

    Ever since his first mainstream foray into film, Alien3, Fincher has continued to develop his storytelling abilities and transform himself into, arguably, one of the best directors of my time.

    He's literally churning out one great film after another including Se7en, Fight Club, The Game, Panic Room and Zodiac. And lets not forget the upcoming The Curious Case of Benjamin Button based on a short story by F. Scott Fitzgerald about a guy who is born old and ages backwards.

    A couple months ago, Fincher announced his intent to direct the film version of Arthur C. Clarke's science fiction epic, Rendezvous with Rama.

    In an interview with MTV, Fincher said the following about the Rama film:

    It's my understanding that [producer] Lori [McReary] and Morgan [Freeman] have a script, and when they're happy with it, they'll send it to me. It's a project I've always loved. It's probably technologically within striking distance right now. That was always the thing: You couldn't afford to build these things as sets. It's just too huge.

    Although I've heard of the book, I really didn't know too much about its content or plot. But Fincher's announcement had me intrigued. So I quickly visited, bought the book and read it within a month.

    The novel, set in the 22nd century, involves a thirty-mile-long cylindrical alien starship (nicknamed Rama) that drifts into Earth's solar system. A group of humans from the spaceship Endeavour decide to explore the ship and, hopefully, unearth the strange mysteries of the Ramans.

    And so begins the story.

    In my opinion, it's a great book that should be read by anyone who has some interest in science, astronomy and science fiction.

    Clarke's writing ability is seemingly effortless and reads surprisingly smooth considering the content. When he's tackling heavy, heady, scientific jargon, even the most unscientific of readers (i.e. me) can easily comprehend what the characters are talking about. And, by writing from the explorers' point of view, in a sense, the reader experiences first-hand what they're seeing, hearing and feeling as they enter the ship. The writing makes you feel like you're part of the story.

    The creative world in which Clarke creates on Rama is, for lack of a better word, fantastic. I really don't want to give too much away because I think the reader should experience the novel first hand. But, to comprehend the vastness of a spaceship that is 30 miles in length is, to quote The Princess Bride, inconceivable.

    And although the end of the novel hints at possible sequels [which did happen, by the way, but without Clarke behind the typewriter] this book can stand alone as one of the most important science-fiction books of our last century. And to think that it was written in the early 70's should be a further testament to Clarke's creative genius and insight. And I don't toss the word genius around too often.

    In addition to winning every possible science fiction award upon its release, Rendezvous with Rama also influenced generations of science-fiction writers and films including Ridley Scott's Alien, Robert Wise's Star Trek: The Motion Picture and Michel Crichton's Sphere among others.

    Which completely explains why I had a sense of deja-vu when I was reading this book. Because I've seen the basic premise so many times in other movies and books. (i.e. A crew or person goes on a mission to search a strange object or place with some rather peculiar, if not fantastical results.)

    So my question is, how do you make a movie where the plot has been virtually copied, dissected and remade by producers, screenwriters, novelists and directors since its inception almost 40 years ago?

    I'm sure Fincher realizes this fact. At least I hope. And I'm sure he has some ideas on how to make this novel seemingly 'new' to the eyes of science fiction and movie fans around the world.

    Whether or not the film comes to fruition, I'm just happy that I was able to read the book. And I strongly urge you to pick it up. Heck, you can even borrow my copy if you want.

    On another note, Clarke was 55 years old when Rama was published in 1972. Four years prior, he wrote the screenplay for 2001: A Space Odyssey with Stanley Kubrick, at the age of 51.

    With Clarke creating a masterpiece like this in his later years, this gives me some hope that my best days of writing are yet to come.

    And, by no means, am I comparing his dedication to the craft to my own. I'm just saying his writing aged like fine wine.

    And hopefully mine will as well.

    Thursday, March 6, 2008

    One Sentence Movie Reviews - February 2008

    More one-sentence movie reviews for you to eat with your eyes....

    Margot at the Wedding
    If you know the last name Baumbach and have seen the movie THE SQUID AND THE WHALE, you'll like this movie.

    Gone Baby Gone
    It's like MYSTIC RIVER with a missing girl instead of a dead daughter.

    The Seventh Seal
    Death plays chess with Father Merrin in this black and white snoozer.

    Night at the Museum
    Ben Stiller recreates JUMANJI at the New York Museum of Natural History in this okay kid's flick.

    A mindfuck of a time-travel movie made for only $7,000.

    The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
    It's like that Fiona Apple's CD with the long title: pretty to look at, but a bit on the long and boring side.

    The Brave One
    It's DEATH WISH if Charles Bronson had tits and a vagina.

    The King of Kong
    Two geeks play Donkey Kong for the geek championship of the world in this fun,interesting documentary.

    Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
    Okay, I'm officially sick of the pirate shit.

    No End in Sight
    If this great documentary were a book, it would be called Iraq War for Dummies.

    Joshua is an asshole and you'll want to strangle him by the end of this movie.

    The Ten
    WET, HOT AMERICAN SUMMER mixed with RENO 911 and The Ten Commandments equals weird fun.

    King of California
    Michael Douglas shows his acting chops, instead of his naked ass, while he and Evan Rachel Wood search for treasure beneath Costco.

    Away from Her
    The Alzheimer's feel-good movie of the year...I think.

    If you liked KIDS and GUMMO, you'll like this movie about teenage angst...and stupidity.

    There you have it. What do you think?

    Wednesday, March 5, 2008

    Six Random Wednesday Thoughts

    Thought #1
    Remember my previous post about a nude Natalie Portman in Wes Anderson's new movie? Well, I finally watched Hotel Chevalier, the 13-minute prequel/short to The Darjeeling Limited and let me tell ya, the nudity ain't all that. To be honest, I was a bit underwhelmed. I'm sure this short was meant to be a major plot-point segue into the feature film. Don't get me wrong, it's finely acted by Portman and Jason Schwartzman. But, as far as nudity goes, it's a 2 out of 10 stars. She had a better look in Closer.

    Thought #2
    If you completely take out the concept of evaporation, I wonder how long it would take for you to fill a swimming pool with your own pee?

    Thought #3
    Yesterday, my future father-in-law - a staunch Republican - switched parties, signed up as a democrat and voted for Hilary Clinton in the Ohio Democratic Primary. His reasoning: "I don't think McCain will win if Obama gets the Democratic nomination." Don't know why, but I thought this was a very interesting strategy. I wonder how many other people did this?

    Thought #4
    As each day goes by and the realization that I'm going to be on this Earth a limited time slowly sets in, my urge to move out of rainy, cloudy, slushy Ohio grows stronger and stronger.

    Thought #5
    Last night, I imagined my two kids being 12 and 13 years old. Although I already know what I'm going to say to my son when he starts to masturbate. I imagined this great speech I was going to give them about being a sister and a brother and standing up for your sibling and protecting one another from bullies and danger. Then, in my imaginary conversation, I started talking to them about drunk driving, doing drugs and peer-pressure. That's when I thought up this quote:

    "Look If you're ever in a situation and something in the back of your mind is giving you a funny feeling and telling you not to do it, that's your intuition talking. That's your sixth-sense saying that something's not right in Denmark. You should listen to that little voice, because 99% of the time, that feeling is right on the money."

    It's that point in my imagination when I see them roll their eyes, let out a big sigh and leave the room.

    Thought #6
    Is anyone, besides myself, going to be watching The Wire series finale this Sunday on HBO? If you want to see one of the best television series, ever (that's right, you MASH-loving fags!). Start with the Season 1 DVD box set and get acquainted with the good, the bad and the ugly of Baltimore's drug scene. Great acting. Great writing. Great direction. Simply great. For pure selfish reasons I want you to watch it, just so I can talk about it with someone besides my five-month old son.

    Monday, March 3, 2008

    Hey Entertainment Weekly...Fuck You!

    EIMER NOTE: My buddy Mac opened up the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly to the title: THE TROUBLE WITH THE OSCARS. That said, he didn't seem too happy with what the magazine had to say. I haven't personally read the article, but I think Mac's got some great points in the following diatribe against the article. Enjoy...

    I don't know if anyone has seen the latest edition of Entertainment Weekly, but at first glance it looked like a nice recap of the Oscars.

    But the cover read: THE TROUBLE WITH THE OSCARS.

    What the fuck?

    They totally pissed on the Academy Awards because it had the lowest television ratings in history and they said it was boring because none of movies nominated (save JUNO) made a lot of money at the box office.

    Do you know how bad this pisses me off?

    First of all, I thought this years' Oscars were as good as ever.

    Jon Stewart is one of my favorite Oscar hosts. Plus, the movies nominated this year were fuckin' good!

    It's not the Academy's fault that the general public doesn't always go see the BEST MOVIES out there. The best thing about the Oscars is that it helps those movies that don't make a lot of money get more attention.

    So, just because the Oscars had lower ratings doesn't mean the show was a disaster. It really doesn't mean shit! Besides advertisers, who gives a 'squirt of piss' what the fucking tv ratings were anyway. Not the true film fans. Which, by the way, is who the Oscars were created for.

    People need to know this: TV is a Cancer on movies. If movies follow a direction dictated by television, then terminal illness for movies will follow. There are two different type of people: Movie people and TV people. Sometimes TV people think that they are movie people because they watch movies on television.

    V people think that if a movie doesn't make a lot of money at the box office, it must not be any good and they can't understand why these movies get nominated over the ones that make the most money. They have another award show for that and it's called the fuckin' People's Choice Awards! AND NO MOVIE PERSON WATCHES THAT!!!

    At least no one with any self diginity.

    Entertainment Weekly's first suggestion to the Academy was to nominate more popular movies.

    Does anyone know how fucking stupid that is?!

    I almost cancelled my subscripttion right then. I don't think Enteratainment Weekly should be giving any lectures to the Academy. I had no idea the egos at that magazine have inflated that much in eighteen years. I have faith in the Academy that they will never nominate movies based soley on box office numbers.

    So, I have only one thing to say to Entertainment Weekly and to all the TV people out there who don't know shit about movies and will continue to say terrible things about the Oscars:



    Milan A. Cargould

    EIMER NOTE: Thanks for the post. I couldn't have said it better myself, Mac. And you know how much I love to use the word fuck! I think people (creative people) get into the movie industry with hopes to scratch their creative itch and tell a good fucking story. And you would hope they've seen all the great classics as well. I think as long as there are 'dreamers' and 'movie lovers' in the world, there will continue to be great films. Great thinking person's films. And that's what I think the Academy Awards continue to do...celebrate substance over splash. Either that, or we're going to turn into the movie Idiocracy and go to the movies to watch a big ass fart for two hours.

    What Five Songs Will Be Played At Your Funeral?

    Sometimes, when I'm jogging, I cut into this graveyard and do a couple laps on this 1/4 mile cul de sac.

    This past Saturday, I decided to say 'Hello' to my little ghostly friends.

    As I rounded the corner and passed the metallic graveyard gate, I looked up and my shoes came to a cartoony screeching halt.

    Lo and be hold, a funeral service was taking place.

    People dressed in black, were standing next to a casket with a pastor reading scriptures. Two women were dabbing their eyes with tissues. Their husband's consoling arms were draped around their shoulders.

    Add some snow flurries dropping from the sky and five plus inches of snow on the ground, and you've got a stark funeral scene straight out of the movies.

    Having never, ever seen anyone at this particular graveyard, it was an eerie sight to behold. So I decided to forgo my jaunt amongst the dead, and opted for a different route home.

    Personally, I would feel a little weird if I was at a funeral and a jogger in a hunter's orange cap listening to an I-pod ran by. Wouldn't you?

    On the run home, my mind reverted back to the funeral.

    Then I started to think about death.

    Then I started to think about my death.

    Then I started to think about my funeral.

    Then i started to think about the five songs I would request to be played at my funeral.

    Now, if anyone has seen High Fidelity with John Cusack, The making of a great compilation tape is hard to do.

    To quote Rob Gordon from the movie:

    "You gotta kick off with a killer, to grab attention. Then you got to take it up a notch, but you don't wanna blow your wad, so then you got to cool it off a notch."

    Magnify that times ten for the perfect Death Mix Tape at your own funeral.

    Seriously though, it would be tough to choose the five perfect songs from your vast collection of musical memories.

    In addition, you would have to pick music that's somewhat uplifting, yet a bit melancholy. Although you would want people to have a good time and remember you in a good way, you wouldn't necessarily want people to pull out the cardboard and start breakdancing at your funeral.

    Or maybe you would.

    Plus, you have to choose music that not only defines who you were on this planet, but music that digs deep into your soul and portrays the heartbreak, the happiness, the sorrow and the joy you experienced on this Earth.

    That said, if Death walked up to me today, tapped me with his sycthe and told me I was going to croak in 24 hours, here are the 5 songs I would request to be played at my funeral...

    1. Sing It Again by Beck

    2. I Don't Know by The Beastie Boys

    3. Hurt by Johnny Cash

    4. Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd

    5. Big Balls by AC/DC
    Keep in mind, if you talked to me in a week, a month or a year, some of the above songs wouldn't even be considered.

    That said, more than likely, I will probably always include a song by the Beastie Boys, Johnny Cash and Beck. Some other artists under consideration were songs by Radiohead, Jack Johnson, Guns N' Roses, Cake and Lucinda Williams.

    Seriously, depending on the day and how I'm feeling, the possibilities for my Death Music Mix are like Death's job on this Earth...endless.

    Now I'm curious, what would your five songs be if you were going to die in 24 hours?

    And please be sure to leave your name. I need to put a face to the songs, man. I need to put a face to the songs.