Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Socks! Dammit! Melting Snow! Shit!

So, we have this mudroom at our house.

I'm sure all of you understand the concept of a mud room, correct? In olden days, when you returned from the outside conditions from a hard days' huntin' or farmin' they would walk into the mudroom and strip off your boots, clothes, socks, etc.

Wife is happy her house is mud-free. Husband is happy that wife is happy. Kids are happy that the two aren't fighting.

Our mudroom is not only our mud room, it's also our computer room. Plus, it's connected to three different doors: the door to the garage (which also houses our trash cans), the sliding door to the backyard and the door to the front of the house. It also used to be our dog's room until he died last August. (sob!)

In any event, a lot of traffic comes through the mud room and I'm constantly hopping back and forth doing various things. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah.

So, yesterday I stepped onto the linoleum floor and (BAM!) the melted snowy water started seeping through my sock and into my right foot.

I bit my lip.

Then, I searched for another dry spot on the linoleum and, like Frogger hopping across the lily pads in the popular 80's video game, I jumped into the air. I landed with a SPLISH. The melted snowy water started seeping through my sock and into my left foot.

"Dammit," I grimaced cursing the melted snow.

"Dammit," I hear behind me.

My head pops up and, with wide eyes, I do a 180-degree turn. My two-year old son is staring straight at me.

"No, no, no," I say walking over to my son, but step into a big puddle of melted snow, which completely soaks my already-wet right foot.

"Shit," I scream, but it comes out like slow molasses and sounds almost like 'Sheeeeeeeeeiiiiiit'.

"Sheeeeeeiiiiiit," my son screams mocking my slow molasses speak.

"Dammit," I say condemning myself for saying 'Shit' in front of my son.

"Dammit," my son responds staring up at me with those innocent eyes.

I take a pause.

"No, Daddy messed up," I say to my son. "We don't say 'Dammit', we say 'Darn it', understand?"

"Dammit," my son responds with an evil smile. Then he runs away.

"No, no, no, wait," I scream and take another step towards my son and SPLOSH, my left foot steps into the same puddle of melted snow.

"Fuck," I scream out.

"Fuck," I hear someone scream behind me.

I twist around and see my three-year old daughter staring at me.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Eimer's Top 10 Reads of 2009

I've made a grave error. In a previous entry, I sounded off that I read approximately fifty books during this past year.

Apologies to everyone.

It was only 46.

However, two of the novels on my 2009 reading list were graphic novels (David Boring and Watchmen) which, if you're going by Mac's comment in my previous entry, David Boring doesn't cut the mustard due to the fact that it's less than 200 pages.

So, let's make it an even 45, which equals approximately 3.75 books a month.

Sounds about right to me.

In any event, I've uncovered a number of great books this year that I think would make great reads for all three readers of this blog.

So here goes. Below are my top ten reads of 2009 (in no particular order):

  1. The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaimen It's The Jungle Book in the Graveyard! What a cool idea.This book is pure genius. The writing. The characters. Everything. It actually made me jealous after I read it.

  2. The Giver by Lois Lowry Quite possibly one of the best horror novels I've ever read. And it's really not supposed to be a horror novel.

  3. The Terror by Dan Simmons Great book. Great writing. Great story. I continue to think about this book almost a year after reading it. It would make a great mini-series on HBO or Showtime. Perfect reading during the cold months of winter.

  4. Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card This is probably one of the most amazing science fiction books ever written. Seriously. This one is up there on my list of all-time greats. I'm curious as to why a movie was never made about this.

  5. The Lost City of Z: A Tale of Deadly Obsession in the Amazon by David Grann A true adventure story about a true adventurer. This isn't Indiana Jones. This is a story of a man with an unbridled obsession to make a name for himself in this world, no matter the psychological cost.

  6. The Stranger by Albert Camus I read this in my early 20's and thought I'd revisit this book in my late 30's. Nothing has changed. It's still a fascinating book about a very flawed character. However, is he really flawed? That's your opinion. Part of me understands his actions. Part of me abhores them.

  7. 1776 by David McCullough This non-fiction novel starts out a bit slow, but it's worth the effort. McCullough has done his research about this particular year in America and, in the process, has created a truly entertaining history of the American Revolution.

  8. Water for Elephants: A Novel by Sara Gruen This is another book that just took a hold of me and never let go. I couldn't wait to read it. Gruen creates an entire circus world that fills your head with beautiful imagery. Her writing is so good, that you actually feel for the characters, both good and bad. But, it's much more than a circus book. It's about growing old, past regrets, hanging on to precious memories and living your life to the fullest.

  9. Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIMH by Robert C. O'Brien Saw the Secret of Nimh, but never read the book. I'm glad I did because the movie is a complete bastardization of the novel. O'Brien's fine writing style propelled this anthropomorphic tale into my top ten.

  10. The Life of Pi by Yann Martel Like 1776, the books starts off a bit slow, but it pays off in the end. After Pi is on the boat, I found myself reading chunks of pages simply to see how this fantastical story was going to end.

WARNING: If you're interested in any of the above books, I implore you to not (NOT) visit Wikipedia to learn more. The Wikipedia summaries are filled to gills with spoilers that will ruin these books for first-time readers.

Monday, January 4, 2010


When I was six or seven years old, I went to a Boy Scout meeting with my brother, his good buddy Mike and Mike's Dad.

After the Boy Scout meeting, we exited the church and about two or three inches of fresh fluffy snow had fallen on the ground.

Mike turned to his Dad "Let get some donuts!!!"

Mike's Dad nodded and said, "Sounds good to me, let's go."

We all hopped into his truck (not sure what type it was) and zoomed out of the church parking lot and onto the snow-covered road.

My brother and Mike were talking about the Boy scout meeting (something about a box car derby, if memory serves correctly). I wasn't listening because all I could think about was tasting those fresh, piping hot glazed donuts followed by a nice, glass of fresh milk.

I was pretty giddy with excitement to say the least.

"We're here," Mike's Dad yelled as he pulled into Steeple Valley Middle School.

"Sweet," cheered my brother.

"Yeah," screamed Mike.

"Cool," I shouted.

Was there some sort of bake sale going on at the school that I didn't know about? I didn't care. I was hungry for some donuts. Chocolate covered. Old-fashioned. Smothered in white icing with those little flickers of funfetti on top. It didn't matter to me. My stomach started to grumble with anticipation. I couldn't contain myself.

All of a sudden Mike's Dad hit the gas and started twisting and turning the car around school parking lot. The car slid and twisted around the basketball hoops implanted in the middle of the playground while Mike and my brother hooted and hollered with glee.

I'll have to admit. It was pretty fun. It felt like a roller coaster ride at Cedar Point.

Then, just like that, Mike's dad pulled his truck out of the parking lot. Mike and my brother were giving each other high fives and telling Mike's dad how awesome he was.

We got dropped off at home and said our goodbyes to Mike and his father.

As my brother ran inside with his yellow bandana hopping in the wind, I stood there in the falling snow an utterly confused kid.

What in the hell just happened?

And where in the fuck were my donuts?