Saturday, September 9, 2017

Eimer’s 2017 Fall Movie Viewing Wishlist

I hate fall. And I love fall.

I hate fall because I always get sick. Always, like four sinus infections, and some sort of intestinal flu. I also get a guaranteed migraine due to, what I believe is, the barometric pressure change in the atmosphere. Also, it's cold and shitty out. And never warm. Oh, and it gets dark earlier.

I love fall for the foliage. Halloween is always a favorite time for me. And let's not forget football. Glorious college and pro football. I also have a fondness in my heart for Thanksgiving and parties that always end up around a roaring wood fire. 

Oh, and I love fall movies, which - much like the seasons - signifies a major shift in the type of movies that are released. It's like a step up from the schlocky summer fare that the kids adore to some downright serious Academy Award contenders that adults implore. It's like the difference between a Fish Eye Merlot and a Francis Ford Copolla Claret - both available at CVS by the way.

So, with that said, here's a list of fall movies that I'm anticipating for the colder, crisper months that lie ahead.

IT – September 8
One of Stephen King’s best horror novels spread across two films? Plus a killer clown? Yep!

MOTHER! – September 15
Darren Aronofosky’s (The Wrestler, Requiem for a Dream) mysterious movie (with an exclamation point to boot) looks like an intriguing head scratcher.

After my high hopes for 'Lego Batman Movie' were squashed, hopefully this latest flick is much more of the original and a lot less of the bat plastic crap we saw earlier this year.

People may be sick of him, but I still like Tom Cruise. And I'm hoping this drug smuggling flick by ‘Edge of Tomorrow’ and 'Go!' director Doug Liman can get him back on track.

BLADE RUNNER 2049 – Oct. 6
You had me at ‘Blade Runner’. But add in 'Arrival' director Denis Villenueve, and I’m very interested. 

Jackie Chan meets 'First Blood' in this very apropos terrorist bombing revenge flick directed by Martin Campbell (Casino Royale).

One my favorite dramedy directors, Noah Baumbach, focuses his lens and script on three siblings healing old wounds while dealing with a disgruntled Dad.

Anthony Bourdain’s documentary on, well, see above, will probably be depressing, but entertaining at the same time. Right! Right?

The trailer gives too much away, but I’m still intrigued in this best selling book transformed into a thriller movie directed by Tomas Alfredson (Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy).

My son recommended Brian Selznick’s award-winning book to me over the summer. I read it and was intrigued with the overall plot techniques. Curious how Todd Haynes (Carol, Far From Heaven) will handle this New York drama (that's all I can say!).

Creative, innovative, quirky Yorgos Lanthimos, of 'The Lobster' and 'Dogtooth' directorial fame, is back. And isn’t that enough?

George Clooney directs a dark comedy based on a Coen Brothers script about 59’s suburbia? Count this suburban asshole in!

The only reason this Marvel movie is on the list is because humorously eclectic director Taika Waititi (What We Do In The Shadows, Hunt for the Wilderpeople) is at the helm.

I’m a sucker for movies about movies. And this film, about making one of the worst reviewed films of all time (The Room) is another one. Directed by James Franco starring Franco and Seth Rogan.

Guillermo Del Toro (Pan’s Labyrinth, Hellboy, Pacific Rim) looks to be returning to his creepy horror roots in this aquatic creature/human love story? (note the question mark)

Well, duh!

The pro: Vince Vaughn plays a badass in prison with a kick-ass movie title. The con: It’s directed by the guy who did Bone Tomahawk, which everyone loved, but I hated.

GEOSTORM – Oct. 20
My kids are pumped for this over-steroidal SFX showcase highlighting weather and global catastrophes. You know what? So am I!

JIGSAW – Oct. 27
I gave up on the SAW series after the third film. This new trailer looks appealing enough to dip my severed toe into it once again.

I gave the graphic novel by Derf rave reviews. But, is there enough meat in this human morsel about the notorious serial killer’s high school exploits in Bath, Ohio, to sustain a full-length feature meal? Burp!

Kenneth Branaugh directs a fantastic cast of Depp, Cruz, Dench, Pfeiffer and himself in this Agatha Christie classic, which I’ve never read.

  • Flatliners – Sept. 29
  • Only the Brave – Oct. 20
  • LBJ – Nov. 3
  • Daddy’s Home 2 – Nov. 10
  • Justice League – Nov. 17
  • Wonder – Nov. 17
  • Jumanji – Dec. 20

Well, do you agree/disagree? Enquiring minds like mine want to know!!

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

The nose knows that I’m making punny sense about scents

A couple weeks ago, I was involved in a brainstorm meeting at work. I grabbed a marker to start doodling ideas on our white board. Then, a familiar scent hit my nose.

The glorious smell of black licorice.
Zap! I was transported back to Kindergarten at Hilltop Elementary. Singing B-I-N-G-O with my pleasantly plump teacher Miss Barrisford.

I gazed down at the writing instrument in my hand. It was a scented black marker. Ignoring everyone’s crazy looks, I pulled the marker up to my nose and took a deep breath. The memory of that school, the song—more than 40 years ago—became more and more distinct in my mind.


In a zombie-like trance, I walked over to the other scented markers and began sniffing like my cat inhales luggage after we return from a weeklong vacation. Each distinct smell brought back a distinct vision in my brain.

Zap! Putting the finishing touches on a Santa Claus drawing in Ms. Ramser’s first-grade class anxiously awaiting the bus to leave on Christmas break. 

Zap! First-grade art class. It was storming outside. Mr. Reithmiller, our art teacher, was showing us how to draw an owl.

Zap! Six-years old sitting in the hot attic of a church in Martins Ferry during Sunday School. I was painting a picture of a sun and clouds. Ironically, no gods or angels.

Then I started thinking about all those other good, bad and ugly aromas that you come across every now and again that gives you a Chuck Norris round-house kick to the amygdala.

Mildew mixed with mothballs.
Zap! Playing tag with my brother and exploring the old, dusty antiques and tools in my Grandma Eimer’s basement in Shadyside, Ohio circa 70’s.

Sweet & sour odor of the recycling canister.
Zap! My high school senior year doing community service at a recycling center in Martins Ferry.  I got busted destroying a nativity scene in our downtown park. That terrible smell singed on my nostrils is a life-sentence memory of my regrettable crime.

Mud, grass, fresh rain, and spring flowers.
Zap! An Easter of my youth—dressed up in my Sunday best dragging a huge Easter basket filled complete with a chocolate rabbit with yellow googly edible eyes.

Fresh-cut grass.
Zap! Football Friday Night circa 1984. I’m preparing to head down to the Ferry football field with my mom to hang out with the McSwords twins, watch the football game—as well as my brother, who was in the high school marching band.

Body odor. Mildew. Fresh Paint.
Zap! Walking into the locker room under the bleachers of Martins Ferry Stadium after two-a-day practices in eighth grade—the first time I ever wore pads to play football.

Dead skunk on the road.
Zap! Heading home from Cedar Point in the dead of night with my family when I was 8 or 9 years old. I was sleeping in backseat and my dad hit a skunk. That smell remained for the rest of the car ride home. It also brings back those not-to-distant memories of a good bag of sticky, stinky college weed.

Most of my memories revert me back to my youth, but there’s always one distinct smell that reminds me of my college years and beyond.

Women’s Perfume.
Every fragrance of perfume is unique—as is every woman I’ve dated. I don’t know the fragrances. I don’t know the brand names. But, I know that distinct smell. And if I catch that certain pleasant aroma as I pass a random female on the street …

Zap! I’m immediately transported back to that particular girlfriend who wore that distinct perfume. They’re all pleasant, positive memories. Just, regular, everyday memories, like sitting in the car, or waking up in the morning, or just hanging in their apartment listening to music and drinking some frosty beverages.

Which brings me to my final story.

I was at some random house using some random bathroom when I came across a canister of Glade Jubilant Rose® & Lavender & Peach Blossom. Curious, I grabbed the can and sprayed a tiny mist into the air. After a brief millisecond, I inhaled.

Zap! I was catapulted back more than 20 years ago to The Gentleman’s Club Strip Club in Cleveland. The same, exact aroma was emanating off a stripper who was giving my good buddy a lap dance. 

I had turned down this particular stripper because she looked too much like my aunt.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Eimer's Must-See Summer 2017 Movie Picks


Summer is only one month and a handful of days away (Who's counting?). But, let's be serious, thanks to George Lucas's shrewd marketing move back in 1977, the summer season truly begins in May!

To celebrate the warmer weather and skin cancer prevention, below are my top picks for guaranteed summer greatness in the theater. Movies that you should never watch on the small screen, but truly need to savor, away from the sun, hunkered down in a La-Z-Boy chair staring at the silver screen. (Is it technically silver anymore since it's digital?)

Sadly, Guardians of the Galaxy, Vol. 2 will not be on this list. Check out my review on OneSentenceMovieReview via Twitter to find out why!

The Wall (May 12)
Doug Liman (Go!, Edge of Tomorrow, Swingers) points his lens towards two soldiers (one of which is John Cena) facing an Iraqi sniper.

Alien: Convenant (May 19)
Looking forward to the sci-fi carnage. My kids are too, but I probably won't take them.

Baywatch (May 25)
Guilty Pleasure Alert! This new movie by comedy director Seth Gordon looks pretty funny.

Despicable Me 3 (June 30)
Selfishly, this one isn't for the kids. This third Gru outing - with an 80's villian voiced by Trey Parker - is for me and the kids can come to see it if they want.

The Big Sick (June 23)
Silicon Valley's Jumail Nanjiani and Director Michael Showalter (Stella, Hello My Name is Doris) team up for a girlfriend in a coma comedy.

The Beguiled (June 23)
Another Sophia Coppola movie? Sign me up. A remake of the '71 Clint Eastwood classic? Sign me up again.

Baby Driver (June 28)
Director Edgar Wright (Shaun of the Dead, Scott Pilgrim) writes and directs what looks to be a funnier psuedo-remake of Walter Hill's 1978 thriller The Driver.

A Ghost Story (July 7)
Not your typical summer fare, I really don't know what to make of this somber, eerie film from Pete's Dragon director David Lowery. But after viewing the trailer, my interest was piqued.

It Comes At Night (July 9)
Death comes knocking in director Trey Edward Shults' horror thriller starring Joel Edgerton (The Gift, Loving).

War For The Planet of The Apes (July 14)
After enjoying both previous Apes films, this third outing looks to close the book what I hope will be the most consistently solid trilogy since Nolan's Batman series.

Dunkirk (July 21)
A war movie from legendary director Christopher Nolan (Insomnia, Dark Knight, Interstellar)? Put it this way, I already checked to buy pre-sale tickets on Fandango. (Not available, yet).

Yep. No Spider-Man. No Wonder Woman. No Valerian And the City of a Thousand Planets. No Cars 3. And definitely No Transformers.

So, tell me, dear reader, what movies are your looking forward to seeing this summer?

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Eimer's Oscar Results: 14 - 10

Well, the Oscars came and went. And I finished a poor 14-10. Just goes to show that you never know what's going to happen in the Super Bowl of Movies.

Here are the ones I lost (with the stupid movie that I picked):

Best picture - LOST! La La Land
Lead actor - LOST! Denzel Washington, “Fences”
Lead actress - LOST! Isabelle Huppert, “Elle”
Supporting actor - LOST! Jeff Bridges, “Hell or High Water”
Best documentary short subject - LOST! “Watani: My Homeland” 
Best live action short film - LOST! “Silent Nights"
Film editing - LOST! “La La Land” Tom Cross
Sound editing: LOST! - “Hacksaw Ridge"
Sound mixing: LOST! “La La Land”
Costume design - LOST! “Jackie,” Madeline Fontain

And here are the ones that I won! Yay me!
Supporting actress - WON! Viola Davis, “Fences”
Best director - WON! “La La Land,” Damien Chazelle
Animated feature - WON! “Zootopia” 
Animated short - WON! - “Piper” 
Adapted screenplay: - WON! “Moonlight,” Barry Jenkins
Original screenplay - WON! “Manchester by the Sea,” Kenneth Lonergan
Cinematography - WON! “La La Land,” Linus Sandgren
Best documentary feature - WON! “O.J.: Made in America.” 
Best foreign language film - WON! “The Salesman,” Iran
Production design WON! “La La Land”
Original score - WON! “La La Land,” Justin Hurwitz
Original song: - WON! “City of Stars,” “La La Land”
Makeup and hair - WON! “Suicide Squad,”
Visual effects - WON! - “The Jungle Book” 

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Eimer's 2017 Academy Awards Picks

Personally, I liked La La Land. Liked. Liked. 

But, I'm not an idiot, either.

I've learned that you can hope for your favorite movie to win (ahem, Arrival), 
but it's probably not going to win - especially if you look at the awards that led 
up to this grand spectacle (i.e. Producers Guild, Screen Actor's Guild, Golden Globes, 
Director's Guild, etc.).

Considering all of those previous La La wins, I picked La La Land to win 8
Academy Awards this year. That said, here are my picks in this
better-late-than-never Oscars edition.

Let's see how I did on Monday! See you then. 

Best picture:
“Hacksaw Ridge”
“Hell or High Water”
“Hidden Figures”
“La La Land”
“Manchester by the Sea”

Lead actor:
Casey Affleck, “Manchester by the Sea”
Andrew Garfield, “Hacksaw Ridge”
Ryan Gosling, “La La Land,”
Viggo Mortensen, “Captain Fantastic”
Denzel Washington, “Fences”

Lead actress:
Isabelle Huppert, “Elle”
Ruth Negga, “Loving”
Natalie Portman, “Jackie”
Emma Stone, “La La Land”
Meryl Streep, “Florence Foster Jenkins”

Supporting actor:
Mahershala Ali, “Moonlight”
Jeff Bridges, “Hell or High Water”
Lucas Hedges, “Manchester by the Sea”
Dev Patel, “Lion”
Michael Shannon, “Nocturnal Animals”

Supporting actress:
Viola Davis, “Fences”
Naomie Harris, “Moonlight”
Nicole Kidman, “Lion”
Octavia Spencer, “Hidden Figures”
Michelle Williams, “Manchester by the Sea”

Best director:
“La La Land,” Damien Chazelle
“Hacksaw Ridge,” Mel Gibson
“Moonlight,” Barry Jenkins
“Manchester by the Sea,” Kenneth Lonergan
“Arrival,” Denis Villeneuve

Animated feature:
“Kubo and the Two Strings,” Travis Knight and Arianne Sutner
“Moana,” John Musker, Ron Clements and Osnat Shurer
“My Life as a Zucchini,” Claude Barras and Max Karli
“The Red Turtle,” Michael Dudok de Wit and Toshio Suzuki

Animated short:
“Blind Vaysha,” Theodore Ushev
“Borrowed Time,” Andrew Coats and Lou Hamou-Lhadj
“Pear Cider and Cigarettes,” Robert Valley and Cara Speller
“Pearl,” Patrick Osborne

Adapted screenplay:
“Arrival,” Eric Heisserer
“Fences,” August Wilson
“Hidden Figures,” Allison Schroeder and Theodore Melfi
“Lion,” Luke Davies
“Moonlight,” Barry Jenkins

Original screenplay:
“20th Century Women,” Mike Mills
“Hell or High Water,” Taylor Sheridan
“La La Land,” Damien Chazelle
“The Lobster,” Yorgos Lanthimos, Efthimis Filippou
“Manchester by the Sea,” Kenneth Lonergan

“Arrival,” Bradford Young
“La La Land,” Linus Sandgren
“Lion,” Greig Fraser
“Moonlight,” James Laxton
“Silence,” Rodrigo Prieto

Best documentary feature:
“13th,” Ava DuVernay, Spencer Averick and Howard Barish
“Fire at Sea,” Gianfranco Rosi and Donatella Palermo
“I Am Not Your Negro,” Raoul Peck, Remi Grellety and Hebert Peck
“Life, Animated,” Roger Ross Williams and Julie Goldman
“O.J.: Made in America.” 

Best documentary short subject:
“4.1 Miles,” Daphne Matziaraki
“Extremis,” Dan Krauss
“Joe’s Violin,” Kahane Cooperman and Raphaela Neihausen
“Watani: My Homeland” 
“The White Helmets,” Orlando von Einsiedel and Joanna Natasegara

Best live action short film:
“Ennemis Interieurs,” Selim Azzazi
“La Femme et le TGV,” Timo von Gunten and Giacun Caduff
“Silent Nights"
“Sing,” Kristof Deak and Anna Udvardy
“Timecode,” Juanjo Gimenez

Best foreign language film:
“A Man Called Ove,” Sweden
“Land of Mine,” Denmark
“Tanna,” Australia
“The Salesman,” Iran
“Toni Erdmann,” Germany

Film editing:
“Arrival,” Joe Walker
“Hacksaw Ridge,” John Gilbert
“Hell or High Water,” Jake Roberts
“La La Land” Tom Cross
“Moonlight,” Nat Sanders and Joi McMillon

Sound editing:
“Arrival,” Sylvain Bellemare
“Deep Water Horizon,” Wylie Stateman and Renee Tondelli
“Hacksaw Ridge"
“La La Land” 
“Sully,” Alan Robert Murray and Bub Asman

Sound mixing:
“Arrival,” Bernard Gariepy Strobl and Claude La Haye
“Hacksaw Ridge”
“La La Land”
“Rogue One: A Star Wars Story,”
“13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi,”

Production design:
“Arrival,” Patrice Vermette, Paul Hott
“Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them,” Stuart Craig, Anna Pinnock
“Hail, Caesar!,” Jess Gonchor, Nancy Haigh
“La La Land”
“Passengers,” Guy Hendrix Dyas, Gene Serdena

Original score:
“Jackie,” Mica Levi
“La La Land,” Justin Hurwitz
“Lion,” Dustin O’Halloran and Hauschka
“Moonlight,” Nicholas Britell
“Passengers,” Thomas Newman

Original song:
“Audition (The Fools Who Dream),” “La La Land” — Music by Justin Hurwitz; 
“Can’t Stop the Feeling,” “Trolls” — Music and Lyric by Justin Timberlake
“City of Stars,” “La La Land”
“The Empty Chair,” “Jim: The James Foley Story” 
“How Far I’ll Go,” “Moana” 

Makeup and hair:
“A Man Called Ove,” Eva von Bahr and Love Larson
“Star Trek Beyond,” Joel Harlow and Richard Alonzo
“Suicide Squad,”

Costume design:
“Allied,” Joanna Johnston
“Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them,” Colleen Atwood
“Florence Foster Jenkins,” Consolata Boyle
“Jackie,” Madeline Fontaine
“La La Land,” Mary Zophres

Visual effects:
“Deepwater Horizon,” 
“Doctor Strange,” 
“The Jungle Book” 
“Kubo and the Two Strings,” 
“Rogue One: A Star Wars Story,”