I have many mottos that I live by. And, when it comes to film, my motto is:
"Life is too short to watch shitty movies."
As a general rule, I try to stay away from bad movies. I follow RottenTomatoes.com, read critical reviews, visit movie geek websites and, sometimes, go by my gut. Could I possibly be missing a diamond in the rough, sure? But who cares?
Yet, even after all the checks and balances, the stinky shit of bad film still seems to seep into my eyes. That said, here are my Top Televen worst viewings of 2012 (including DVD, Cable and the Theater)...
THE
HANGOVER PART 2 (2011)
I saw this movie on New Year’s Day 2012, last year, so I guess it counts as 2012, right? Wow, was this movie sucked.
It seemed like Todd Phillips pulled all the actors in a room and said "Look
guys, we're going to do it all over again. I wrote this script last night, so
let's go out and make a boatload of money - but this time we'll do it in
Thailand. Now who's with me!??" Replace Las Vegas with Bangkok. Replace
the missing tooth with a face tattoo. Replace the baby with a monkey. Replace
the tiger with Mr. Chow. Replace a female hooker with a male hooker. Add a
touch of Mike Tyson...and, voila, you've got yourself a crappy sequel. Just a
terrible movie all around. I felt I was robbed. Oh yeah, and
they also do another photo montage at the end credits, which is - probably -
the best part of the whole film. Matter of fact, save us viewers the time of
sitting through another sequel and do a photo montage of another Hangover
movie. Blech.
KILL LIST (2011)
This is a movie that starts off okay, gets a little better (and bloodier) then ends with you scratching your head. I thought about it all through the night. It's bit of a creepy movie, but you have to get through the original 30 minutes of the main couple screaming and yelling at each other. It's reminds me of a modern day WICKER MAN. It's almost ambiguous to the point that the 'amibiguousness' is, well, annoying. I'm all for ambiguity, but this movie falls in the 'too much' category. Very creepy chase scenes at the end. Which begs the questions, are these people human, demons or from another demension? Like I said, if you watch it, you'll understand what I'm talking about. You may not understand the movie though. Not sure I can 100% recommend this, though. I know I wouldn't watch it again.
EXTRATERRESTRIAL (2012)
Meh,
very underwhelming follow-up to fantastic time-travel movie TIMECRIMES from
Nacho Vigalondo. Truth be told, I was expecting much, much more than what I viewed on screen. Yes, I agree he was probably working on a limited budget. But, the overall
story just didn't do it for me. You have a four-mile long spaceship arriving over your
city and nobody freaks out? These people just sit around and talk, fuck and
basically do nothing for the whole movie. Very disappointing. Being from the
United States, maybe there was a cultural road block that I missed because,
after reading all of the rave reviews, maybe I missed something? However, I
can't recommend this to my friends, Netlix viewers or anyone in general.
PARANORMAL
ACTIVITY 3 (2011)
Really? People giving this movie three or four stars? Total bullshit. I
can see the two directors (yes two directors) and writing team sitting in an
office and hashing out this idea. "Dude, I got it," one of the
writer's exclaims. "Well combine ghosts with the occult." The whole
room jumps to their feet, high-fives all around. "Awesome," they say in their best Bill and
Ted impression. I think, just like the SAW series, this idea has run its
course. Unless, of course, you just make a straight commercial film. None of
this putting-up-video-camera bullshit. Plus, when you start mixing genres, it's
a bad sign that you've run out of ideas and are trying to mix stuff up in a
blender and see what color it turns. Okay, the one cool part was 'the ghost with the sheet and the fan camera' shot. But, that's it. Not worth the rental or the 81
minutes. Re-rent the original PARANORMAL ACTIVITY and bask in its greatness.
This one is a flat turd.
THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN (2012)
Man, I was so bored. Maybe I'm
suffering from Super-hero fatigue maybe it's the fact that this franchise just
ended a couple years ago (save the third one) from Sam Raimi. Maybe it was
the fact that I know that Sony shit this movie out really fast in order to
retain the rights to the character. All in all, very disappointing. I kept
thinking over and over “Didn’t I already
see this movie?” Sure, the special effects were fine. I also think Andrew
Garfield fits the geeky, lanky Spider-Man from the comic books to a tee. But,
this movie just felt very flat to me. Direction, acting, special effects,
everything simply had this gloss of an important movie, but it didn't really
sparkle for me. That said, my kids enjoyed it. They're 5 and 6, which should
tell you something about the overall 'content'. Don't expect to be 'wowed'.
HOP (2011)
Animation was top notch, but they
should have kept the whole movie animated. As soon as I saw the live action, I
groaned. It just fell flat for me. Look, I get the whole idea...a kid doesn't
want to follow in his father's footsteps so he runs away from home and learns a
valuable lesson in the process. Although the Easter Bunny idea was a bit new,
the whole script was formulaic and followed the same techniques and standards
guaranteed to make your kids squeal with delight. But don't be fooled. This is
a turd in sheep's clothing. You've been warned. Acting sucks too.
A LONELY PLACE TO DIE (2011)
After reading mostly positive feedback in a wide array of geek circles on the web, I was really looking forward to seeing
this movie. However, I would just give this movie three stars for predictability. It's
DELIVERANCE mixed with DESCENT (minus the creatures) mixed with RANSOM. Right
from the beginning, I was taken in by the fantastic cinematography and exciting
action sequences. The lead up to finding the Serbian girl was also very
interesting. The directors and writers kept you on your toes for a little bit (I said 'a little bit'), but then - about 1/3 through - the entire movie fell flat for me. The ending
was a bit forced and a little unpredictable (only two police in a town
celebrating a huge festival?). I don't know, maybe I was expecting more after
reading all of the positive reviews. That said, I will be keeping my eye on
Julian Gelby's future work as well as the cinematographer Ali Asad.
THE
CHILDREN (2008)
Dumb. Stupid. Idiotic. If your idea of fun is watching
a movie with kids screaming, adults screaming, teenagers screaming in a
somewhat of a VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED remake with snow, then by all means check
this movie out. The screams were so annoying I had to fast forward through the
entire film. Don't worry, you don't need the dialogue to even understand what's
going on...nor will you care.
JOHN CARTER (2012)
Very forgettable film, which is a pity. Yes, it's choppy. Yes, the
acting is a bit cardboard. Yes, there are many different plot points. And yes,
this is a little bit of a dud from Director Andrew Stanton - in his first
live-action film (FINDING NEMO, WALL-E). However, you have to give props to the
grand ideas and majestic creativity of the film. Also have to give a thumbs-up
to the impressive CGI work as well (from Lucasfilm no less). That said, this
movie felt like a mix between FLASH GORDON campiness and STAR WARS seriousness, but just couldn't find its own voice in the end. I read THE PRINCESS OF MARS (the
first book in the John Carter trilogy) so, going in, I understood what was
going on. However, if you're new to the character and the series, I could
understand people being totally lost. Too much to consume in a two-hour time
period. It's a die hard fanboy (Stanton) creating a movie for the other
40-something fanboys out there without thinking about the other audience
members in the theater. That said, the ending sets up a sequel (a planned
trilogy from Stanton), which I'm pretty sure isn't going to happen due to the
weak box-office results. Let's hope FINDING NEMO 2 (Stanton's next outing) is a
bit better than this.
CHRONICLE (2012)
Basically, it's the movie and graphic novel AKIRA in wolf's clothing. Look, great special effects and all that jazz. Acting was fine. Not great. All in all, I'm just getting tired
of these 'found-footage' films. I'm sorry, but after watching PARANORMAL ACTIVITY
2 and 3, PROJECT X, CLOVERFIELD and THE LAST EXORCISM, my suspension of
disbelief for these movies is running a bit thin. I'm just not believing these
people are going to carry around a video camera all the time recording
everything that goes on. It made 100% sense in THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT and the
first PARANORMAL ACTIVITY, but these other films? Not so much. Which begs the
point, why make CHRONICLE a 'found-footage' film in the first place. Throughout
the movie they use different 'video' footage to tell the story. Not simply from
the three main characters cameras. So, how about this, why not do it at all? I
think this movie could have rolled in the four-star territory had they not
filmed it this way. Sigh.
SHARK NIGHT (2011)
Holy shit, this fucking sucked ass. Look, I'm a fan of
below-average horror, underwater fare like LAKE PLACID, PIRAHNA 3D, DEEP BLUE
SEA and ANACONDA. But this movie was just a terrible waste of time - not only
for me, but for society as a whole. Shame on the producers that gave this movie
a green light. Makes no sense whatsoever. Three rednecks with the engineering
chops to not only capture all kinds of different species of sharks (must have
an unlimited budget), but the capabilities to toss a video camera on each one
of said sharks (Bulls, Hammerheads, etc.) - and all because they want to get
revenge on some college girl. Also, how did they manage to capture a Great
White Shark and keep it alive (in a rusted cage) when even the top marine biologists
in the world cannot achieve this feat? C'mon! I could make up something better
than this piece of crap. Terrible movie all around. Don't waste your money - or
more importantly your 91 minutes - on this rancid piece of chum. Next!
THE INNKEEPERS (2011)
Meh. I guess I was expecting too much
from this horror flick from Ti West (THE HOUSE OF THE DEVIL)...like a plot. Hey, I'm all for ambiguous
endings, but an ambiguous film? Very lame. Acting was okay. But the entire plot
wasn't flushed out at all. What's up with the ghost? How about the old man, why
did he return? Plus you have Kelly McGillis and you do absolutely nothing with
her. And what about the owner (he's on vacation during the last weekend in
business?) So much potential out of this movie, but this is a terrible,
terrible flat turd in the end. So disappointing. Do not watch. For a creepy
movie about a haunted house, rent THE ORPHANAGE instead. Much better than this
dumb flick.
THE DEAD (2010)
Look, I was raised on Romero. I
basked in the greatness of Evil Dead. I like a great zombie film as much as the
next guy. However, I did not like this movie at all. Slow, boring, dull. And
this is supposed to be a zombie movie? I'm all for low-budget films and try to
support up-and-coming filmmakers as much as possible, but man, this movie
sucked. After growing up on zombie films and watching the above par series THE
WALKING DEAD, as a zombie film fan, I'm expecting something more, something
different and something exciting from this new generation of filmmakers. Be
creative! That's about it.
Well, there you have it. What about you? What were some of the worst movies you saw in 2012?
Best Movies...tomorrow, Best Books...the following day.
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