Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Are you there hornets? It's me...GOD!

A couple days ago, I was gassing up my (ahem) riding lawn mower and preparing to mow my two acres of lawn.

Did I ever mention that I have a riding lawn mower?

Anyhow, my neighbor trotted over and began pointing up into the pine trees that separate our house.

"Hey there," he said. "You better watch out, there's a nasty hornet's nest over there."

After scanning one of the pine trees for four or five minutes, my eyes hit paydirt. About 15 feet up, I saw this football-sized hornet's nest. I took a picture for posterity. (Above)

My first instinct was total caveman: I wanted to grab a brick and throw it at the nest. Then run.

My second instinct was more reasonable: I wanted to speed to Home Depot, buy some high-powered RAID, bide my time until nightfall and BAM! douse them with chemicals. Then immediately I would grab a hose and drown the little bastards. Then, of course, I'd grab a brick and throw it at the nest. Then run.

My third instinct was the Ghandi approach of peaceful resistance (or something like that): I would let the hornets live and thrive. In turn, I would thrive and live. And we would live in peace, prosperity and harmony with one another. Eventually, when Jack Frost arrives, nature will take its course and the hornets will drift off into a slow, deep sleep.

I decided to take option #3 and let them live. I hopped on my mower, started it up and began to mow. Did I ever mention that I have a riding lawn mower?

But, as I was mowing my lawn, I couldn't stop thinking about the hornets.

In essence, I was playing God by not killing them.

In essence, I'm playing God right now.

In essence, I like playing God.

Then I thought that - being their GOD and controlling their ultimate destiny and stuff - maybe they should offer me some sort of sacrifice. In turn, I will choose not to destroy their precious little nest.

Do hornets make some sort of hornet honey that I can bottle up and sell? Can the hornets go sting someone I hate? What should I demand of my hornet minions?

After thinking long and hard about this hornet predicament, I decided to give the hornets an ultimatum like Gort and Klaatu in The Day the Earth Stood Still.

I want them to pray to me and give me one good reason why I should let them exist in my world (i.e. property).

If I don't hear from them in three days, I have to assume that they don't care about their civilization. Sadly, I will have no option but to destroy them.

What? You thought this was going to be funny?


Eric Wiley said...

Thoroughly funny.

cbrown said...

Good stuff...

Is your neighbor from Minnesota? 'Cause I read that line where you quoted him and a thick Minnesota accent leaked out...

Your Finest Eimer said...

He's born and bred in Bath, Ohio. He's a plumber as well. So, perhaps you were mistaking plumber-speak for Minnesota speak. From what I understand, it happens all the time.