Fight! FIght! FIght! Fight!

So, a couple weeks ago, my wife and I got into a fight.

She would lob scream grenades my way.

I would run behind the couch and duck for cover.

She would aim rapid-fire machine-gun tirades towards my eardrums.

I would dive behind the refrigerator and wait for the shelling to stop.

For some stupid reason the conversation turned to our freedom as individuals outside of being parents.

Then there was a brief silence. I decided to make my move.

"Well," I shouted to the rooftops. "I don't get to do everything I want in this world!"

"Really?" she asked crossing her arms already awaiting a response. "Now, please. Tell me. What don't you get to do?"

I thought really, really hard. I searched up and down my memory banks for the perfect answer.

Then, it hit me. It was the mother lode!!!

"Well if you must know," I retorted. "I really don't get to go to Cedar Point or attend carnivals as much as I would like to."

She rolled her eyes, uncrossed her arms, and walked out of the room.

Victory was mine that day.

Victory was mine.

Who doesn't love carnivals?

So I was talking to my dad the other day and, for some strange reason, the subject of carnivals came up.

Actually, I do know the reason.

He had to take my niece to a local county fair to see a country music singer in the Ohio Valley. I guess girls are swooning over this guy. Not sure of the name, but I’m sure the music isn’t that great.

“Man,” I said to him. “I love carnivals.”

“Yeah, I know you do,” he said as he took a drag off his cigarette. “When you were little, you would cry if we passed a parking lot carnival and didn’t stop.”

“Really?” I truly don’t remember this ever happening.

“Yep,” he said. “You would cry all the way home, when you got out of the car, even when we put you in the bathtub. Sometimes, you would cry yourself to sleep after we put you to bed."

“Really?” I said again looking him straight in the eyes expecting him to smile and say ‘Just kidding’.

He didn’t blink. He was as serious as a heart attack.

“Man, I didn’t realize I was such a little pussy.”

“Oh, it wasn’t that big of a deal to us,” he said. “We just made sure we stayed away from carnivals whenever we went somewhere.”

“Really?” I said. I was completely dumbfounded. And yes, I realize, this is the third time I said Really in less than a page.

“Yep,” he said. “If we saw a carnival in the distance we would take a swift turn off the road and take an alternative way to wherever we were going.”

“Hmf,” I took a sip of beer thinking about all the kick-ass carnivals I missed when I was a kid. Thanks a lot mom and dad.

“So. why do you like carnivals so much,” my dad asked waking me up from my newfound embarrassment.

I thought about his question for a couple seconds.

“Well, I guess I like the lights, the smells, the rides and the games,” I said. “I guess I like the fact that I’m part of this little piece of Americana that literally makes a ton of people happy for one week out of the year.”

“Then, just like a hurricane, the carnival impacts the whole community, wraps up and leaves overnight with various carnival debris whipping around the parking lot. The only remnants of its brief existence.”

“Hmf,” he said as a wisp of cigarette “Interesting.”

A brief silence followed.

“You know what I like about carnivals?” my dad piped up.

I shook my head.

He took another drag of his cigarette and let out another puff of smoke.

“Elephant ears," he said.

A Cedar Point 70's Gang Story

I've talked about my love affair with Cedar Point

I've also talked about ways to upgrade theme parks around the country.

But, my very first memory of Cedar Point that still lingers in my brain involves a gang who looked like cast members of the hit 70's flick The Warriors.

I'll try to keep this short.

I was about seven or eight years old (maybe younger) and it was a warm summer day. My mom, dad, brother and I were waiting in line to ride The Blue Streak at Cedar Point.

This summer, I had just made the 'you-must-be-as-tall-as-this-stick-to-ride-this-ride' height to be able to conquer all of the rollercoasters at the park. Much like getting a driver's license, this was an important badge of honor in a young boy's life. Myself included.

My brother - a rollercoaster aficionado to this day - had a simple strategy on this particular trip: take his younger brother on a couple smaller rollercoasters (i.e. the Mine Ride, The Corkscrew and The Blue Streak) and get him ready, willing and able to ride biggest, baddest, newest rollercoaster of them all, The Gemini.

Sure it was extremely selfish on his part. But, in a way, it was helping me overcome my rollercoaster fear as well. Thanks bro.

Anyhow, when you're waiting in line, you have to walk these metal gates that send you through this endless maze that stretches back and forth, back and forth until, finally, you reach your ride.

If you love to peoplewatch, then waiting in line for a ride at Cedar Point is the thing to do.

Hot girls.
Nasty girls.
Big guys.
Skinny guys.
Cute kids.
Ugly kids.
Here come the fat kids!

So there we were waiting in line. All of a sudden this group of guys approached the ride and took their place behind us in line. As I stated above, they looked like extras from the hit movie The Warriors. I remember that they were a little rowdy, giving each other high fives and the like. I also noticed that they were all dressed the same...black t-shirts and blue jeans. Which seemed a bit crazy to me considering the humid temperature.

My dad (with his big-ass curly head and big-ass sideburns) kept looking back at the gang with this annoying scowl, almost like he was keeping them in check. At least that's what it seemed like to me.

Anyhow, we made our way around the first turn of the gate, advanced one gate forward ahead and headed back down the line.

That's when something frightening caught my eye.

As the gang of dudes approached the turn in the gate, the leader of the gang (I'm not sure but I believe he had one of those roach clip feather things in his hair) walked by and put his left hand on the top of the railing.

That's when I noticed his knuckles. They were busted open and covered in blood.

My heart started racing.

Then I looked at the rest of the gang. They too had similar battle wounds.

One guy had a black eye. Another guy had blood dripping out of his mouth. A couple of the other guys had bloody knuckles as well.

Being a young kid, this threw me for a loop. Questions that I knew would never, ever be answered started swirling around in my little brain.

Did this gang just beat the shit out of some other gang in the parking lot?

Did they beat up a Cedar Point employee and charge their way into the park for free?

Did they get into a rumble before breakfast? (I should note that it was around 10 a.m. at the time.)

Did they just get finished robbing someone's house a' la The Clockwork Orange and rape one of the homeowners with an extra-large porcelain dildo?

I mean, I couldn't think of a better thing to do after a big street battle then to to hop in my van (that's what I pictured them driving), heading to Cedar Point and riding The Blue Streak.

All before 10 a.m. and without cleaning your wounds.

Every time I passed the leader in line, I thought he was going to take a swing at me with his fist full of steel and kept my distance from his bloody guns. They must've got a kick out of that.

Then I imagined that I was part of their gang. And that I, too, had just got finished kicking the shit out of some gang members.

Then I imagined that my mom, dad, brother and I were a gang and we were going to beat the crap out of some other family in the park.

Then I thought that I was going to be a part of a gang someday and possibly kill someone and go to prison.

Then I started thinking about prison. Then I got really, really nervous.

My memory was going so fast that I didn't even realize we were on The Blue Streak.

When we hit the first hill, I wasn't excited, scared or anything. I couldn't stop thinking about bloody knuckles, gangs and prison.

For the rest of the day, I was completely messed up by the bloody knuckles and the gang of droogs at The Blue Streak line.

That was the only time I really, truly didn't enjoy myself at America's Roller Coaster Capital of the World.

Thanks a lot you wannabe Warriors assholes!

Cedar Point Does Rock, but...

Just a quick note. I was reading through my 'blog' about Cedar Point and how it rocks my nut sack. It left me with a number of questions:

1.) The Future of Rollercoasters. Will there be a limit or will they just keep getting higher and higher and higher? Will you have to wear oxygen when you climb the initial hill or will the oygen deprivation be part of the 'ride experience'? Just imagine the drops. You'll be screaming for an entire minute on the first hill. FASCINATING.

2.) Wacky Ride Part 1. I can't take credit for this, but my good buddy mentioned that there should be a ride at Cedar Point where you get shot. Basically you stand in line and you can choose the body part you want shot or you just wear a bullet proof vest and get shot in the chest. Imagine the rush of knowing that you're going to get shot. WOW!

3.) Wacky Ride Part 2. I'm thinking of a ride where you get into a regular car and a giant slingshot shoots you and four other people into Lake Erie. Then you have to try to escape before you drown. Cool!

4.) Beer. I'm all for beer at amusement parks, but they should have machines, much like pop machines, where you can drink beer while you're waiting in line. That would be a lot of fun.

5.) Puke Ride. There should be ride strictly made for you to puke. Basically the first part of the ride consists of you eating at a greasy buffet. Then, after you're finished eating, you wait in line for a spin ride that basically guarantees that you will puke. Then, as an extra-added bonus, the employees will not clean up the puke until the end of the day. Ewwwww.

6.) Signing A Release. As a collectible souvenier, I would sell releases that you won't sue the park for accidental dismemberment or death. That way, kids can have something to frame on the wall when they get home. "Look," they would say to a friend. "I survived Cedar Point!" Coool!

7.) Old-Person Day. The first old person (over 80) that dies on a ride during Old-Person Day gets their funeral paid for and the family gets a check for $500,000. "Hey gramps, let's go to Cedar Point!" CHA-CHING!

8.) One Person Dies a Day. Maybe there should be a marketing campaign that guarantees one person will die each day at the park? Maybe a sniper will shoot you while you're walking through Frontier Village or perhaps a big blade gets lowered on any given coaster and beheads you while you're on the ride. You know that people who didn't die or get their heads cut off would leave the park with a deeper respect for life. Heck, they may even make serious changes to their personalities because of it. Plus, if you die at Cedar Point you will be a martyr of sorts anyway. So it's a win-win situation.

What are your ideas to make Cedar Point more 'fun'?