Yep, you heard me right. Parsley. Jolly Green Giant. Golden Leaf. Christmas Tree. Ganja. Weed. Lots and lots of weed to get you through that somewhat strenuous weeklong reprieve away from the co-workers and together with friends, family, your kids…and (gulp!) your kid’s friends
So, load up your Family Truckster (also known as your Netflix Queue) with a pack of Alaskan Wolves, Large Marge, fat Jonah Hill and even Michael Fassbender’s penis.
What a long strange trip it’s going to be with these strange bedfellows riding shotgun in this summer travel edition of One-Sentence Movie Reviews:
God Bless AmericaAlthough I was really hoping for a little bit more from Director Bobcat Goldthwait, how can you go wrong with a movie about a guy and teenage runaway killing stupid people across the United States?
We Need to Talk About Kevin
If you’re thinking about having kids, this is the best type of birth control to come along since condoms.
The GreyIf you’re anticipating Liam Neeson breaking the bottles of liquor and taping them to his knuckles to fight the big, bad wolves…wait for it…wait for it…no seriously, wait for it.
Hop“That’s not a chocolate bunny you’re eating!!!” It’s shit! (Get it? The movie sucks.)
Pee-Wee’s Big AdventureOh Pee-Wee…even after 50+ viewings, as a loner and a rebel, you’re still entertaining after all these years…even to my kids.
ShameMichael Fassbender’s angry blue-veiner takes center stage in this fantastically dark, delectably dirty glimpse into one man’s struggle with sex addiction.
The Little Bear MovieSome days when I roll into work, I think about the fantastical, simple world of Little Bear and try to forget about all of this stupid shit for a couple seconds of my day.
We Bought a Zoo…we also bought tickets to a paint-by-numbers flick from Cameron Crowe complete with a cute kid saying cute things like ‘The average human head weighs eight pounds’.
Cocaine CowboysCocaine is a helluva drug…as is fully apparent in this eye-opening documentary about the Miami snow trade.
The SitterA poor-man’s ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING that poses the question: ‘When is Jonah Hill going to decide if he’s fat or skinny?’
A Lonely Place to DieIt's DELIVERANCE mixed with DESCENT (minus the creatures) mixed with RANSOM mixed with great cinematography and a shitty plot.
Mission: Impossible - Ghost ProtocolWow, this sequel to Pixar’s THE INCREDIBLES is everything that I had hoped for…and then some.
LifeboatHow in the hell did Hitchcock make a movie about seven people stranded on a lifeboat even remotely interesting?
My Week with MarilynThis movie proves that you can, in fact, create a smart, poignant, interesting historical story in less than 100 minutes.
A Dangerous MethodKeira Knightley juts out her jaw, and other body parts, to unimaginable heights in this under two-hour thought-provoking biopic about Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung.
Young AdultIt’s like the movie MONSTER, but if the title character was a semi-hot novelist/drunkard/drug-abuser/disconnect female going through a mid-life crisis…that’s not a murderer.
HugoHow on Earth is there a Scorcese film that doesn’t involve an aluminum baseball bat to the head and not named Kundun that still can manage to be utterly fantastic?
Life During WartimeIt’s the much-anticipated sequel to Todd Solondz’s HAPPINESS, completely recast with new actors that no one was waiting for, except for me.
CropseyEverything you’ve ever wanted to know about Staten Island…but really didn’t want to ever know about Staten Island.
The AvengersFinally, a superhero film, other than The Dark Knight franchise, that doesn’t suck big, hairy gonads.
The Greatest Movie Ever SoldMorgan Spurlock pays for an entertaining movie about crass commercialism by making an entertaining movie about crass commercialism.
Click here for more of Eimer's One-Sentence Movie Reviews >>