Friday, August 1, 2008

10 Things I Didn't Know About Weddings (Until Last Week)

I got married last week. Being present at many, many weddings where I was sitting in the podium, it was a bit weird being on the other side of the coin.

So that’s why I decided to list the top 10 Things I didn’t know about weddings (until last week).

1. Lots of Planning.
It doesn’t matter if you’re having 10 people or 100 people, there’s a shitload of planning to do leading up to the day.

2. Lots of Fighting.
Lots of planning breeds lots of fighting. Not only will you and the missus be at each other’s throats. But, you’ll get calls from both sides of the family asking why Great Aunt Delores didn’t get invited to the wedding and tons of other questions pertaining to the big day.

3. It’s Hard to Talk to Friends
Oh, your friends will be present and you’ll pass them up and say “Hey man, I’ll talk to you later.” But, you won’t. And you’ll feel guilty the next day. But it’s okay. That’s the way the cookie crumbles.

4. You Won’t Eat.
Besides an Egg McMuffin at 11 a.m., I hardly ate the whole day. The food is for the quests.

5. You Won’t Really Drink, Either
The wedding was at 2 p.m. I had two beers at the reception. (Well, three.) But I really didn’t get to tie one on until our after-hours party around 10 p.m. Which, I guess, is a good thing.

6. The Day Goes Fast
I woke up at 7 a.m. and I blinked and it was 3 a.m. the next day. That’s why you shouldn’t get too stressed if shit goes wrong. Just nod your head, smile and say “Hey, thanks for coming out!”

7. Families Will Not Miraculously Come Together
If you’re under the impression that this big moment in your life will be the bridge between the two families, think again. It’s funny, because I realized that a wedding really doesn’t push the two families together. In fact, it separates them even more. You sit on different sides of the church. When the reception begins, you sit in your comfort level, which is with your side of the family.

8. A Bride Crying Is Expected. A Guy Crying Is Emotional
Look, I didn’t have a master plan of crying on my wedding day. But all I can say is this: chicks dig a guy who cries at his wedding. Also, it seems like if you are a guy and you do cry, funerals and your own wedding are your “Get out of jail free cards.”
I had the whole place in tears, men and women. No children, though.

9. It’s a Pyramid Scheme
The pyramid scheme is simple. If you don’t get married, you don’t get the loot. If you don’t get the loot, then you’re missing out. Be one with the loot. Accept the loot. Love the loot. Because, in the big scheme of things, you’ll be giving it all back – in one form or another - at the hundreds of other weddings you’ve attended and you’ll be attending in the future. Especially if you end up having a daughter.

10. Wedding Sex Rocks
No explanation necessary on this one.

Now on to the honeymoon!


kitty said...

true true true true true true true true true true

well actually my husband didn't cry... but then neither did I

now the fun begins... wait till you learn the 10 things you didn't know about how marriage changes your relationship in ways you had no idea about even when you think you've been together so long it's not possible for things to change!! hehehe


cbrown said...

yours was the first wedding I've been to where there was an inordinate amount of digital cameras. Flashes popping, photographers everywhere -- even the kids had cameras, or at least camera phones.

I forgot mine in the car, or I would've been one of the paparazzi too...

Kameron D Kiggins said...

Great pyramid scheme observation! And between the two kids and wedding preparations it's no wonder you can't find time for unfunny clown cartoons!

Again, congratulations!

Your Finest Eimer said...

Kitty - thanks for the comments.

cbrown - I didn't even realize the flashes

Kameron - I cna't wait to roll up my sleeves and start cartooning again. A couple more years.