Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Eimer's Worst Movies of 2011

Well, with the good comes the bad, and I've come across a lot of bad this year - even though I try to stay away from the very, very bad films (I'm talking to you Director/Producer Michael Bay and the third Chipmunks sequel).

But, sometimes, thanks to my kids and my blatant stupidity, I toss a movie into the DVD player that I think is going to rock - and it just ends up sucking a big bag of balls in the end.

So, because it's much more fun writing nasty reviews than positive ones, I'd like to share my 10 WORST viewing experiences of 2011.

Keep in mind, I watch a lot of movies on DVD, so the films may be a year or so old. Eh, you get the drift.

Well, what am I waiting for? Let's go:

Does not like. What do you get when you mix OCEAN'S 11 with THE ITALIAN JOB and a bunch of terrible actors? A big turd named FAST FIVE! I cannot fathom why, this year, more than one critic tossed this onto their top ten of 2011 lists, which romanced and massaged me enough to actually toss this into my Netflix queue and waste 131 minutes of my precious life. The dialogue was terrible. Just terrible. The action scenes were predictable and dumb (two cars pulling a 10-ton safe through the streets of Rio taking hair-pin turns and not messing up their cars one bit? Really?), the plot, a slightly tweaked version of OCEAN'S 11, was ludicrous. Ludicrous I say! Screenwriters Chris Morgan and Gary Scott Thompson even had the stones to steal the character personas from Danny Ocean's suave crime syndicate. Look, I semi-enjoyed the first FAST & THE FURIOUS for what it was...a movie that entertained all the gear heads out there with fast cars and loose women. I stayed away from the other installments as a personal protest against bad films. Now, who's the sucker? Curse you paid-off critics! Curse you! Not only for insulting my intelligence, but for sucking me back into this terrible, terrible franchise.

If the trailer for this film has piqued your curosity, just a warning that you're going to watch a totally different film. It's not a goofy comedy. It's bordlerine drama. Plus, it's not that funny. Even Vince Vaughn's interesting little tantrums and speeches couldn't transform my frown into a smile. Not much more to say. Wasted acting. Wasted talent. Wasted script. Wasted movie. Save your 112 minutes, because you'll never get it back. NEVER!

Although my kid's loved it, this movie did absolutely nothing for me. Granted, a 39-year old father is probably not the demographic that the producers were trying to grab for this film. I just felt everyone was sleepwalking through this movie to make a simple buck. Nobody brought their A-game to this film. Shame on director Rob Letterman for creating this tripe. Rent TIME BANDITS or GOONIES instead. Those two movies are a much bigger fantasy bang for your buck - and your time.

This movie was 45 minutes too long, even considering the fact that I fast-forwarded through about half of it. WRECKED is a like a failed Gus Van Sant experimental movie. I was bored, bored, bored as hell. Here's my idea for the perfect fix, have Adrien Brody's character actually have flashbacks during the movie. Little tiny snippets a' la MOMENTO where he starts to finally realize how and why he wrecked and who in the hell those people are in the car. Was this movie a good idea? Hell, it's a great idea. Just poor direction. Poor screenplay. And, worst of all, a very boring movie. It's a pity, because I had very high hopes for this film after reading all of the review.

Oh man was I excited when I saw the line-up: Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, Rob Schneider, David Spade and Kevin James as five childhood pals who reunite after 30 years to mourn the loss of their old basketball coach. Boy was I wrong! How is it possible to have such comedic talents and garner such few laughs. Terrible script. Terrible direction. Just a bad movie all around. Yes, the pee turning blue in the pool was funny. But do you really want to waste 2 hours of your life waiting for the one joke that you saw in the trailers? Such a pity. Man this one sucked ass.

I had high hopes for this film, but it all just fell very, very flat - and I'm a fan of Takashi Miike. It seems like the first part was basically samurai sitting and talking, sitting and talking with a tiny bit of sadistic torture tossed into the mix. The second half picked up a bit, but by that time, I was yawning and looking at my watch. It sucks that I had such a terrible viewing experience for a film that I've been anticipating for quite some time.

Meh, didn't really do it for me. Look, this film was heads and tails above the other low indie shark movie OPEN WATER. The characters were more likable. The cinematography was a bit better and the plot, well, it still reaked of JAWS 4 - a serial killer shark is hunting the ocean for the only perceived food source in hundreds of hundreds of miles. Like I said, it was entertaining enough, but it just felt redundant and stale. Australian accents can't even pull this rank chum out of the 2-star dumpster.

Sure Paul Giamatti was great. But, after watching this movie, two things came to mind. First off it was waaaay too long. Secondly, it reminded me of MR. SATURDAY NIGHT starring Billy Crystal (with waaay better make-up of course). There just seemed to be too many plot points stirring around in this soup that, at the end of the film, I was scratching my head. Not that I didn't have answers. It just felt like it was a blah ending. I don't know, people are giving this movie five stars and praising everything about it. The acting is good. The editing, script and direction are the real culprits in this film.

Sometimes when I toss in a movie that I know nothing about, I sit back and wonder to myself This may be the next RESERVOIR DOGS or PULP FICTION or DONNIE DARKO. Well, this isnt anyone of them. As we were watching the Aborigine man chase down white guy after white guy my wife screamed out "Buncha pussies! Why don't they fight back?" Well, theres a reason and you have to wait to the very end to find out why. Yes, this is an okay nice revenge, twist tale. But its not as fantastic as everyone has made it out to be. Nothing great. Okay acting. Okay idea. Okay direction. In two words...just okay.

Meh. I was a fan of the original. Plus, when I heard Director Tod Williams (DOOR IN THE FLOOR) signed on for this sequel, I was doubly excited. With exception to better acting than the original, I can honestly say that I was expecting a bit more. Don't worry, you'll get your share of out of your seat suspense. But, I thought the storyline and the ultimate end was a bit milquetoast for me. Even with a little baby thrown into the scary mix, consider me underwhelmed. Rent the original for more scares and creepiness.

If you like these crappy movies, check out more of my worst movies of last year below:

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