Monday, March 31, 2008

Cellphone Tumors Are Awesome!

I found this little news blurb about the dangers of cellphone use today, which sparked my memory.

A couple weeks ago, I was driving to work enjoying the mellow sounds of Pantera, when I came across this Black Jetta zig-zagging across the road.

The person driving the car was on the double yellow line. The car would suddenly careen back-and-forth between lanes without using a blinker. The person driving almost smacked into the guardrail.

Immediately I thought to myself, "The person driving this car is either...":

  1. Old.

  2. Asian.

  3. An old asian.

  4. Some drunk hillbilly.

  5. A woman on her stupid cellphone.
I cruised up next to the car and, sure enough, it was #5: a woman on her stupid cellphone.

Ding. Ding. Ding. I win the retard lottery.

Her back was arched like a little old lady. Her hand was in a clawed position with her pretzel fingers cupped over her tiny, little cell-phone.

And her lips were flapping in the breeze as she was laughing and giggling to other person on the line. And,of course,she wasn’t paying attention to the road.

Let the record show that I’m a little scared of women drivers to begin with. Now, ladies, before you start getting all pissed off. Don't think us guys haven't seen you fondling your hair, tweezing your eyebrows and putting on make-up while driving with your knees.

But when they're armed with their portable little devils, I'm even more terrified.

Who was she talking to at 8 a.m.? More importantly, what was she talking about? American Idol? Josh Groban? Justin Timberlake? McDreamy from Grey’s Anatomy?

That's the stuff women talk about, right?

To make matters worse, this babe almost hit me. Not once, but twice.

I gave her the old ‘I’m going to beat you down if you don't get back in your lane’ glare, like you wouldn’t believe. She was oblivious.

She finally looked over and I shot her my patented dagger eyes. "Pay attention to the fucking road," I screamed to her in my mind.

Then, I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and silently prayed to the Lord that she would get tumor on the side of her head from extensive cell-phone use.

Then I got to thinking that maybe, just maybe, cell-phone head tumors aren’t bad.

Maybe cellhone tumors are beneficial to the world. Just like humans no longer needing their tailbones, wisdom teeth and appendix , I have a theory that cell-phone tumors are natural selection working overtime.
  1. Woman constantly talks on a cell phone in the car.

  2. Her body responds by growing a tumor on the side of her talking ear.

  3. Tumor grows and eventually surrounds the ear area.

  4. Girl can easily insert a cell phone into the tumor area.

  5. While keeping both hands on the wheel of the car, she can talk to her girlfriends in peace and harmony with convenient cell-phone tumor ear.
Pretty soon (say four generations from now) everyone will have these cell-phone inserting tumors so we can fly around in our spacecars hands-free.

It's Natural Selection Baby!

I also have a theory that some of these younger people (both men and women) think they’re never going to die in a car accident.

A lot of these kids have been brought up in in their gated communities, without witnessing anything bad ever happening. EVER.

This one particular twentysomething woman I was talking to a couple months ago at work mentioned she had never been to a funeral in her life. Can you believe that? Twenty-years old and never been to a funeral!

Crazy shit man.

I’m thinking some of their parent’s haven’t even told their kids that they're going to eventually die. Maybe that’s why they’re driving like idiots on the road while talking on their cell phone. They think they’re freaking immortal.

I'm done bitching. Where's my Geritol.


cbrown said...

and text messaging while driving. yikes.

Your Finest Eimer said...


Thanks for the addition. I completely forgot about that. I've seen that too many times on the open road as well.