Thursday, March 20, 2008

The Fine Art of Internet Self-Diagnosing

Thanks, in part, to the internet, I’m a big self-diagnoser.

About 10 years ago, I started feeling tired, urinating frequently and my mouth was all cottony.

Did I write it off and admit that, more than likely, it had to do with drinking?

Hell no. I went on the internet, typed in my symptoms and found out I had diabetes.

Oh, yeah. I was so convinced I had diabetes I went to the doctor who, after rolling his eyes, offered me a piss test. A couple days later, he called me up and told me that nothing was wrong.

His recommendation: Replace the drugs and alcohol with a good night's sleep and ingest some fruits, vegetables and lots and lots of water.

Oh, and he also suggested I find a good psychologist. PFFfffft. Yeah right!

In those ten years, with the help of the internet, I have unsuccessfully diagnosed myself with the the following ailments, all of which were negated by a doctor:
  • Brain Tumor

  • Lymphoma

  • Potential Stroke

  • Heart Disease

  • Diabetes(again)

  • Skin Cancer

  • Cataracts

  • Aneurysm

  • Colon Cancer

  • Testicular Cancer

  • Early-onset Alzheimer’s

  • Muscular Dystrophy

Now I realize this is a slight case of hypochondria. But, sooner or later, one of my self-diagnosiseseses(?) will eventually pan out to be true.

Let's hope it's later in my life than earlier.

Oops. Gotta run. I’m late for a doctor’s appointment.

There’s a lump in my mouth and I’m convinced I have mouth cancer from that one time I used Skoal pouches in high school.

At least that's what the internet told me.


cbrown said...

I could see you with Alzheimer's and a touch of vertigo, but I've always thought you more of an STD man...

Your Finest Eimer said...


I have been forgetting words and people's names lately. For instance I couldn't remember Ted Ginn Jr. for the life of me. Also, when I was little I couldn't remember the Cheech and Chong comedy Still Smokin. They both came to me, however, three hours after I started thinking about them.


Back to the doctors office I go.