Monday, April 7, 2008

Fear and Loathing in Ohio

This past weekend, we Ohioans finally got a taste of good weather. Mid-60's. Partly sunny skies. Lows in the 40's at night.

Almost perfect.

It's weather I've been waiting for since, oh, November. And it's finally here.


I'm sure there will one or two frosty days before the flowers start to bloom, the grass starts to grow and the bugs start to swarm.

However, this past weekend, it was nice to hear the birds. It was nice to have my kids finally out of their five-month prison sentence. It was nice to hear all the old men (including myself) fine-tune their lawnmowers and weedwackers in anticipation of Mowing Season. It was also nice to see my neighbors who, like the rabbits from Watership Down, finally crawled out of their little burrows to forage for food, and beer.

Which brings me to a dreamy revelation...after living in Ohio for 35 years, I've got to get the FUCK out of here.

Don't get me wrong there are plenty of great things about Ohio. Going to BW3 on a Sunday afternoon comes to mind. But, I want to experience this type of sunny weather year round. I want to walk down the street with my shirt off 12 months out of the year all day and all night. I want the homeless people I walk by on the way to work to have six-pack abs and nice brown tans.

I want to move to Puerto Rico.

"Why Puerto Rico?" you ask.

Well, there are a bevy of reasons:

  • It's an island in the caribbean.

  • It's a semi-autonomous territory of the United States subject to U.S. jurisdiction and sovereignty. (thanks Wikipedia!)

  • All you need is an American license to get back and forth to the states.

  • It's extremely multicultural, which is great for my kids...and myself. I want to immerse my family in as many different nationalities and cultures I can instead of living in white-bread cracker land.

  • The official language is Spanish and English, which bodes extremely well for my whole family picking up two languages.

  • And most importantly, it enjoys an average temperature of 82.4 degrees throughout the year, which will significantly cut down on my t-shirt purchases.

Now many of you are probably thinking, "Dude, you'd ditch your family and friends to go live in Puerto Rico?"

For five-plus years in paradise? Hell yeah! Look, unless you're a Buddhist, we only go-around once on this Earth. All our clocks are ticking. And don't think just because you're young, this equation doesn't count for you. You never know when you're going to croak? Go ahead and ask Patrick Swayze. Or Biggy Smalls. Or even Tupac

When I'm lying on my death bed, I want to have no regrets. I want to believe that I did everything I possibly wanted do in this life. (Within reason of course.)

So, my question back to you is 'Why The Fuck Not?'

And if you really truly miss me, you can come visit anytime you want - passport free! I can guarantee you that the scenery and temperatures during winter would be a lot better than in Northeast Ohio.

Now when I have this conversation with other people. Some idiot always pipes up and says "I don't know if I could do it, man. I enjoy the seasons too much."

I'm calling bullshit on that. Besides a couple days of skiing at Holiday Valley, the winter sucks. Either it's snowing in Cleveland (which turns a rank shade of brown in two days), raining in Columbus and completely cloudy everywhere else.

Our autumn has been reduced to, basically, early October to the end of November before we segue into Winter. And our Spring has been reduced to a couple weeks in May, which then turns into a hot and humid summer. Which, I should admit, isn't half bad especially when you live by a big body of water such as Lake Erie.

That said, for the five years I'm away, I'll use my vacation time to come up to Ohio during the whole month of October (or at least three weeks). That way, I've captured the fall foilage, enjoyed a couple Ohio State Buckeyes football games and gotten in touch with family and friends too afraid to come visit me. Then, I'll hop aboard a jet and head back to my homeland before Jack Frost nips at my asthmatic lungs.

My only hesitation? I was under the impression that if you took your pet to Puerto Rico, it would have to be quarantined and examined for 30 days before being released. According to the USDA, if your pet has all its shots, he can hop right off the plane and start chasing lizards.

Sign me up for a one-way ticket to paradise!

Now all I have to do is get this credit card debt paid off and start making some money.

Hmmmm. Maybe I'll write a book.


cbrown said...

Jeez, you sound like a Floridian. Gimme a break; you think your ancestors could just pick up and go to the Caymans? Suck it up, Princess...

Your Finest Eimer said...


Spoken like a true, proud Ohioan.

Don't worry I'll be back.We Ohioans always come back... die.