Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Flying the (Not-So) Friendly Skies.

As we exited our airplane at the Akron/Canton airport (which came from Atlanta, which came from South Carolina) I glanced back towards our plane. Then I tried to comprehend the exact time that flying became not that big of a deal. From the hostesses on the plane to the snacks they serve, to the clothes we wear and the way we approach the whole aspect of flying, I created some bulletpoints of some of my thoughts about flying the friendly (or as it turns out not-so-friendly) skies.

  • Everytime I enter a plane and sit down in my seat, three things immediately cross my mind: 9-11, Crashing and I Should Have Taken A Piss. When seated, I look to my right, front and back and think to myself "I could possibly be dying with all of these people today." Then people start hacking, coughing and farting all around me and I slowly wish they actually would die. Then, as I head to the small bathroom before take-off, if a hijacker stood up with a bomb or a boxcutter in his hand, I would fucking bum-rush him without a moment's hesitation. Not to sure, but I think a lot of people think this way nowadays.

  • Back in the day, I used to watch movies where all the hostesses have happy smiles on their faces and are beautiful. And by beautiful I mean one-night stand beautiful as so elonquently filmed in the movie Catch Me If You Can. On this past flight, however, we had what appeared to be the cast of Barfly. We flew on AirTran. If American Airlines is considered the major leagues of flying than Airtran has to be the minor leagues. And when I talk about the minor leagues, I'm talking the lowest minor league division there is. To look at it another way, it's almost as if the hostesses are college interns who are working their way up to a full-time job. Any. Way. They. Can. If you know what I'm saying.

  • On the trip to Charleston from Atlanta, there was this old-skinny gentleman with glasses who was jumping from seat-to-seat. When someone would approach their seat and tell him to get up he'd start bitching "Jesus, here we go again." I was thinking he had some sort of obsessive compulsive disorder. The plane was so packed, that - after three or four more times of this - he finally had to make his way back to his original seat. He took the aisle seat right next to mine, turned toward his right and faced this younger gentleman. "Look," he said making a big box sign with his hands. "You stay on this side of the box and I'll stay on my side. Are we understood?" The man looked over at him, didn't say a word, rolled his eyes then returned to reading his book. I think that was a great response to this nutjob. I'm not sure what I would have done in that situation. But it definitely would have started with "Hey...Fuck you, old man!"

  • Not sure if this makes me a geek or not, but I love it when a plane takes off. Sometimes I look around to see if other people are also sharing this excitement with me and that we are witnessing this engineering marvel as one. Notsomuch. In fact, on most take-offs I always see a geek reading a thick book on mathematics, a girl wearing an I-pod with her head buried in People magazine (with Britney on the front) and an old man with a mustache sawing logs. Honestly, it doesn't matter how many more times I fly in my life, I'll still be in utter disbelief that we are in a small metal tin hovering 25,000 feet in the air and rocketing over 400 miles per hour. It completely baffles my mind every single time I fly.

  • Whenever I exit a plane, I like to act like I'm rock star that just had sex with a groupie on the plane. I pretend I'm on my way to some sort of concert in a packed stadium. I also like to think that everyone around me is a fan. But they don't recognize me because I'm traveling incognito. That said, next time you're at an airport, pay close attention to the different people leaving a plane. It's funny to see how everyone thinks they're rock stars as well. You can almost compare it to the same phenomena as people leaving a bad-ass roller coaster at Cedar Point.

  • When we're in the air I start to think how people will act when the plane takes a nosedive to the Earth. Will they go bonkers? Will they try to get out of the plane? Will they simply grab their loved one's hand? Will they try to rape someone? Will they get into a fistfight with someone? On a personal level, I believe that everyone on the plane will die except for me. Then, I start to think that I'm Jeff Bridges' character in the movie Fearless. I honestly believe that if the plane crashes that, as the lone survivor, I would walk out of some cornfield, unscathed, with drops of blood and people debris all over me. Then I'd rent a hotel room and sleep there for three days before getting found by the FAA. Then I would get free air travel for the rest of my life. Then I wonder if people are thinking the exact same Jeff Bridges' thing? That's when I ask the hostess for a beer.

  • I've flown First-Class only once. I'm definitely convinced that it's definitely the way to go. Free booze. Tons of leg room. A cordial hostess. Plus, you really do feel like a rock star. I'm curious why they don't make one plane that has all first-class seats. It could be called the AirTran BONUS PLANE. Or something like that. If you buy a plane ticket, there's a 1-in- 50 chance that you may get the BONUS PLANE and have comfort for the whole trip. But, you won't know until you get on the plane. It's a little extra surprise. If I was AirTran or some other airline, I'd try to make this work somehow. Because for the life of me, I can't believe how fat people fly.

Well there you have it. Are there any other crazy airplane Seinfeld observations that you'd like to share?


Anonymous said...

Since when does Seinfeld get to have his name attached to any funny observation about air travel?!!!!

If we were in person, I'd be slamming you up against the lockers while asking the above question, pal.

Your Finest Eimer said...


(In my Seinfeld voice)
"What's the deal with airline food?"

Thanks for the comment. As far as the locker thing. I was only thrown up against the lockers once. And that was by a girl who wanted to bang me.