Yes, It's Another Sports Rant!

Just wanted to touch base on a couple sportscentric rants running around my brain:

New England Patriots
Well, here I thought the pussification of man came down to men shopping at Pottery Barn. But, when you have coaches and players bitching that an NFL team is running up the score on your NFL team, well I think the Pussification of Man starts....right.... now. Even though I'm not a fan, I love the fact that the Patriots are making every NFL team their proverbial whipping boy this season. I think this is exciting for football. Plus, it puts a gleam in the eye of football-playing kids around the United States. I mean, do you know how many kids are completing Brady-to-Moss pass patterns in their backyard as we speak? This brings back memories of when I was 13-years-old and the 1985 Chicago Bears dismantled the competition all the while singing the Superbowl Shuffle (and that was even before they made the playoffs!). That's why I think it's amusing that 250-pound football players are whining because the Patriots are running up the score. Boo Freaking Hoo. Next thing you know NFL teams, coaches and players will start to sue other teams for running up the score. Is all of America turning into a bunch of fucking cry-babies? Wahhh. Wahhh. Wahhh. You know what I say to all those cry-baby millionaires? Shut the fuck up, toss the loss in your memory banks and kick their ass next year. Oh yeah, and why don't you play fucking better football, you pussies.

2007 World Series
After watching the Boston Red Sox humiliate the Colorado Rockies in a 4-0 World Series sweep last night. (Okay, truthfully I didn't watch it. Did you?) You wonder what the Cleveland Indians would have done with this creampuff of a team. And to think that the Injuns were only one game away from winning it all.

Ohio State Buckeyes
Well. Well. Well. Looks like everyone is starting to talk about the Ohio State/Michigan game once again. Not me. Because as I've stated before in previous rants, I knew all along how important this upcoming game was going to be. And, even though there's a couple more games to play, I'm still sticking to my guns, suckers. Ohio State has a couple big games down the stretch (Illinois and Wisconsin), but it's all going to come down the noon kickoff on Saturday Nov. 17 at the Big House. With Carr's future on the line, not to mention Buckeyes bragging rights, it's going to be a barn-burner. Ech! I can't believe I said that.

Pittsburgh Steelers and Fantasy Football.
Like an idiot I benched Hines Ward this week in favor of Santonio Holmes and Antwaan Randle El. It almost cost me a win. Lesson learned. In my opinion, the Steelers only have two big games before they clinch a playoff berth - this week against Baltimore and next week against Cleveland. Sure the Browns are okay this year and it's fun to watch them win for once in a blue moon. But let's be honest, they're not as good as Big Ben, Holmes, Ward, Miller, Parker and the 'Stillers' solid D. I'm looking for two more wins in two more weeks.

National Basketball Association and King James
Even though I live in Cleveland, I'm not even remotely excited for NBA basketball. The season is too long. The postseason is even longer. And everyone up here in Cleveland thinks that Lebron is the cat's meow, which gets a little annoying. There's a little game I play every NBA season up here in Cleveland. And no, it's not BALLING. From now until the end of the season, how many times can you spot a picture of Lebron James in the Cleveland Plain Dealer. It's amazing how many times he's in the paper up here. Boring. Boring. Boring.

Next!

Electric Football
When I was ten years old, I begged and begged my parents for an official NFL Electric Football game for Christmas. Well, my wish was their command and, on December 25th, Santa Claus answered my persistent whining with 100 miniature yards of green shining silver, complete with Eagles and Steelers painted players and a plug. By the end of the week, it joined the other Misfit Toys in the closet right next to my Electronic Battleship and Light Bright. The very next year, we tossed it in a Toys-for-Tots bin at the mall. To this day, I picture some poor kid sitting next to his Charlie Brown Christmas Tree opening up his Toy-for-Tots present and then laying his eyes on my used, slightly scratched, electronic football game with a Ziploc bag full of plastic football players duct-taped to the back. I betcha he still remembers that Christmas as one of his worst. The poor fella.

Big Ten Network Still Sucks
By the way, this Saturday I won't be watching the Buckeyes battle Wisconsin due to the sucky Big Ten Network airing the game. So, instead I'm making my Game Of The Week #5 Oregon vs. #4 Arizona State Saturday night at 6:30 p.m.. Thanks a fucking lot Big Ten Network. You and your stupid network can suck my big, fat hairy balls.

Living The Weekend Vicariously Through You.

When I'm conversing with my co-workers, connecting with friends or corresponding with relatives, why (Oh why!) do I continue to torture myself and ask this question:

"Sooooo, got any plans for the weekend?"

Here are just a few of the responses I've heard in the past month:

"Going to see [insert cool concert here]."

"We're heading out to Las Vegas for the weekend."

"Camping out at Lake [Insert Name Here]."

"Going to the Buckeyes game at Penn State."

"Having a bonfire, keg and cookout at [insert friend who didn't invite you]."

"Slutty Halloween Party with a harry buffalo!"

"Halloweekends at Cedar Point."

"Going to see [insert cool movie here]!"

"Golfing."

"Hiking."

"Drinking."

"Fucking."

"Sucking."

I'm not sure if it's just me but, if you've got kids. Little kids. Baby-sized kids. Kids under two-years-old. Doesn't it seem that every single weekend, everyone that you know is doing something fantastic...except for you?

From paintballing, to jumping out of a plane, to shooting off machine guns, to jetting off to New York City to running with the bulls in Pamplona, Spain - everyone has freaking plans.

And they're not just normal everyday Going-To-Applebee's plans. They're fucking phenomenal, awesome plans that rank up there with traveling across the United States on a motorcycle or hiking Mount Everest with a couple sherpas.

Yep. And everyone is invited to partake...except for you.

Then, after they go into detail of their fantabulous upcoming weekend, I'm then asked that one particular question that, pretty much, is the Mike Tyson knockout punch:

"Why, what are you doing?"

"Oh, not much," I respond. "I may try to get out, go to Giant Eagle and maybe mow the lawn a bit."

WHOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOO!

And guess whose phone isn't ringing anymore on the weekends? Why just last Friday, I laid my phone down on the kitchen counter when I got home from work. It sat there until I picked it up on Sunday. No calls. No text messages. No invitations. No nothing.

Sigh.

That said, it's not too easy getting around when you've got a couple really young young'uns on the ranch. And, by the lack of phone calls, I'm assuming that other people understand that too. Either that, or they hate my guts.

But come next Spring it will be easier to get out and about with the kids. Then come next summer, easier. Then this same time next year, even easier.

You get my point.

So while you're out there gallivanting around, clicking your heels together with all your so-called 'friends' and kick-ass 'plans', don't expect me to get all giddy like a school-girl after you tell me all the cool shit you're doing this upcoming weekend.

I'll roll my eyes. I may even let out a "Pffffft. That sounds like it sucks." Don't worry, I'm just jealous.

But, then I picture you in a couple of years with kids of your own.

And that's when I'll flash my devilish, greenish GRINCHy grin.

I Am Excited for I Am Legend.

I think most readers have a mental wish-list of novels that they'd like to see translated into film.

As it turns out, two books on my novel-to-movie wish list are hitting theaters before the end of this year.

The first one, I wrote about here.

And, here's the trailer for the second one...



Based on a novel by horror writer Richard Matheson, I Am Legend is a first-person account of the last human survivor on Earth after a genetic outbreak has virtually destroyed our civilization. As the story develops, we learn that some of the humans have taken on characteristics that are eerily similar to vampires.

I Am Legend ,the novel, also sways from the basic vampire genre. If you're looking for crosses, holy water and garlic, you've come to the wrong place. Plus, we - the reader - learn about the plague, and the infected 'vampires' in bits and pieces through Neville's biological experiments on the creatures. It's also a unique story in the sense that it delves into the main character's psychological and emotional psyche as he copes with being the last (hu)man on Earth.

It's a brilliant book. And I highly recommend that you check it out before you catch it in the theaters.

To be honest, I was a bit skeptical that a true version of the book would ever get made due to the fact that the story takes place from the perspective of one person with the supporting cast being the vampires themselves. Basically, the book follows a single character around as he talks to himself, drinks heavily and bitches to the creatures lurking outside his home.

I should note that there have a been a couple attempts to bring I Am Legend to the screen including The Last Man on Earth(1964) starring Vincent Price and the terrible, yet entertaining, Omega Man (1971) starring Charlton Heston. Both movies were good. Good. But, they failed to capture the true essence of Matheson's literary vision.

The closest the book has come to a faithful adaptation, prior to this film, was back in the early 90's, when Ridley Scott (Gladiator, Alien, Black Hawk Down) was in talks to direct with Arnold Schwarzenegger starring as Neville. I think the budget ballooned to over $100 million, the studios balked and it was never greenlit.

But after seeing Tom Hanks, along with supporting soccer ball Wilson, in Cast Away. I thought to myself, "You know what? With the right director and the right actor this could work."

That said, I think Will Smith is the perfect person to portray Neville. Like Hanks, the man can carry a movie as evidenced by last year's The Pursuit of Happyness and Michael Mann's Ali. I also think director Francis Lawrence was the perfect choice to bring Matheson's true cinematic vision to life. I mean, look what he did with Keanu Reeves in Constantine.

As far as the infected humans/vampires are concerned (you can catch a glimpse of them in the trailer above), I don't know about you but they remind me of the creepy cave creatures in last year's breakout horror movie The Descent.

The big question on my mind is the ending.

I'm curious if the adapted script by Mark Protosevich and Oscar-winner Akiva Goldsman (A Beautiful Mind) stays true to Matheson's very dark ending? Or will they shove it through the happy Hollywood-ending machine and set the whole thing up for a sequel?

Here's hoping Lawrence takes the same route as David Fincher did with SE7EN and brings out the bleak.

My Daughter Is Not Bruce Willis. (sigh)

David Dunn: [talking to Elijah on phone] I've never been sick, I've never been injured... what do I do now?
Elijah Price: Go to a place where people are... you won't have to wait very long.
- from the movie Unbreakable (2000) directed by M. Night Shyamalan.

Well, it finally happened. My daughter got sick. A slight cold. It was her very first cold since being born 17 months ago (not counting nine months in the womb).

Sigh.

I guess I should be happy that she's pretty healthy. But, it's just that after watching the months roll by without even witnessing a sniffle or a slight cough - I really, truly, honestly thought she was the female version of Bruce Willis in the movie UNBREAKABLE.

In the movie, a security guard played by Willis is coming home from work on a train, when it suddenly derails. As it turns out, he is the sole survivor of a crash that killed 132 people. Soon, Willis is contacted by comic-book store owner (played by Samuel Jackson) who claims that he is a bonafide superhero.

It just sucks because my daughter's runny nose and fever sort of knocked my theory out of the park.

As it turns out, she's only human.

Or is she?

Last weekend, we went on this hayride through a pumpkin patch near Bath, Ohio. During the ride, I noticed this little black girl with a cast on her arm. She was staring very intently at my daughter.

It's funny, because right before the wheel fell off the tractor and 40 screaming kids were thrown to their peril, I could've sworn the little black girl's mom called the little girl Ms. Glass.

Hmmmmm? Stay tuned.

Asthma Sucks (Literally)

So, I’ve had asthma for about, oh I don’t know, my whole life.

I’m really not sure if my asthma medication will cut my life in half or increase my life expectancy to 120. But I do know this, asthma sucks both literally and figuratively.

Please, please, let me explain.

A couple months ago, I was having a small asthma attack and went to get my Albuterol inhaler. I shook it in preparation for a shot of life-saving air and instantly my worst nightmare had come true – it was empty.

Oh, this hasn’t been the first time I’ve been without my inhaler. In fact, there’s probably been more than 30 times that I’ve had an asthma attack without my inhaler.

In the past, I would freak out and convince my body that because I didn’t have an inhaler, I was going to have an asthma attack and then proceed to die. And - besides the death part - that's exactly when an asthma attack would happen.

So there I was hyperventilating, sucking for breath and believing this was my last couple hours on this Earth. (If you want to know what it feels like, try breathing through a straw) I called up the pharmacy to order a new inhaler. It turned out my prescription was expired. I called Cleveland Clinic to beg for an inhaler. Their response: "I’m sorry, we can’t issue a new prescription without first seeing your doctor."

I pleaded with the receptionist and said that I wasn’t going to build a meth lab or anything with my inhaler. In fact, I’m pretty sure you can't make meth with Albutoral inhalers. To be totally honest, I really don’t know why they don’t sell inhalers over the counter. And, I'm talking good inhalers, not like Primatene Mist, which I was forced to go out and buy last night.

Let me just say that there are a lot of inhalers out there on the market. Primatene Mist is not one of them. If Primatene Mist were alcohol, it would be Wild Irish Rose, Mad Dog or King Cobra Malt Liqour.

For a disgraceful $11.95 this is what you get: When you suck it in, your teeth get numb and it feels like you’re inhaling a cigarette for the first time. As Ralph Wiggum said in The Simpsons when he ate the blackberries, "It tastes like burning."

So then I turned into a crack addict. I was going through an internal roladex trying to figure out who had asthma so I could go over their house and get my inhaler fix. Sadly, I couldn’t think of anyone, so I decided to take a couple hits off the Primatene and breathe it out. Most of the time this method works, but it takes a couple hours to get back to regular breathing. Yeah, it sucks. That’s why they have asthma medication.

Well, I survived that night, which was nice. And, the next day, I went to the doctor and got myself a year's prescription of my Albuterol. Yay!

You know, there was a time in my life that I was so convinced I was going to go into the Army (yep, the US Army) that I tried to ween myself from my inhaler dependency. It worked - somewhat. Now, I can leave my inhaler at home when I go on a run without even thinking twice about.

One small step for wimpy-lung kind.

I’m relatively thin with exception to my small beer gut. Imagine if I didn’t run, ate like a pig, weighed 100 extra pounds and was 80 years old? More than likely, I would be six feet under.

Thanks to asthma, my life-long health crutch and eventual death sentence.

Word of Mouth Buzz = Winning the Lottery

About a month ago, this little film called Across the Universe opened in a small amount of theaters to limited audiences.

Most critics hated the musical, directed by Lion King Broadway visionary Julie Taymor and set to popular Beatles tunes. In fact, according to popular movie critic web site RottenTomatoes.com, only 53% of critics out there gave it passing marks.

Many adults I know who saw it said it was a piece of crap. On a personal note, I may rent it because Taymor directed it. But, I can honestly say that most of my thirtysomething friends have not uttered one single word about this movie. And I would be willing to bet that half of my friends know nothing about it.

Yet, according to an article I came across on SlashFilm.com, Across the Universe is gaining steam and more and more people are going to see this musical event. The web site boldy claims that it could very well be “the next cult sensation" a' la Grease, Star Wars or even The Wizard of Oz.

In fact, after five weeks in theaters, the PG-13 movie finally penetrated the top 10 and is sitting pretty at No. 8.

"How can that be?"

Well, in addition to opening in more theaters this week (954 to be exact), according to an article in the Los Angeles Times , Across the Universe connects "with a zealous core constituency: teenage girls, who, anecdotal evidence suggests, are going to see the movie in packs, bonding with one another (and the film) through repeated viewings and popularizing it with their school chums via word-of-mouth.”

You know all those kids who tuned into High School Musical 2 on the Disney Channel last month? Yep, they're going to see this movie. And chances are they're taking their friends and their parents with them as well.

On Technorati.com there are more than 1,800 blog entries talking about Across the Universe. I can only imagine the buzz going around on Facebook, MySpace and whatever other portals teenagers use to keep in touch.

OMG. SEE ACROSS THE UNIVERSE! AWSOME. ;>

Which brings me to Tyler Perry, whose movie Why Did I Get Married topped the North American box-office last weekend. It earned an estimated 21.4 million dollars and beat out new films featuring Oscar-winners George Clooney (Michael Clayton) and Cate Blanchett (Elizabeth: The Golden Age).

For the record, I'm probably never going to see Why Did I Get Married - which received a 50% not-so-fresh rating on Rottentomatoes.com. I haven't seen Perry's other successful films Diary of a Mad Black Woman and Madea's Family Reunion either. It's probably the same reason why I never cared to see My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Grease or even High School Musical. It just doesn't seem to be my cup of tea. Plus, it looks like it sucks.

But, do you really think Perry is actually sitting back and wondering what this 35-year old white male from the Midwest is thinking? HELL NO. Simply put, the studios and Perry are not marketing the film to me. They're marketing it toward his #1 core fan-base, which happens to be (surprise, surprise) African Americans.

To be honest, I didn't even know this movie was opening until I saw the box-office results on Monday morning. That's how well they marketed this movie to my demographic. I would also venture to say that word-of-mouth within the African American community also helped catapult Perry's movie to the top last week.

"Tyler Perry is a mogul," Paul Dergarabedian, president of box-office tracker Media By Numbers told AFP news. "There is a built-in audience base for Tyler Perry's movies, no matter what time of year, no matter what the subject matter."

I can think of two films back in the 90's that gained steam in the theaters by an over-zealous fan base spreading word-of-mouth buzz: Pulp Fiction and Titantic. Both movies opened well at the box office. But, as positive word started to spread (in Pulp Fiction's case, college-aged adults, and in Titanic's case, teenage girls and twenty-something women who swooned over Leo) people attended repeated viewings in droves. In some cases, the box office numbers were higher than the previous week which is virtually unheard of in the movie industry. Each film went on to earn box-office and critical success not to mention win some key awards, including a few Oscars.

Was all the box-office success due to word-of-mouth buzz? I would venture to say yes.

That said, I stumbled upon this excerpt on Seth Godin's blog concerning word-of-mouth buzz...

"Viral marketing equals word of mouth. A marketer does something and then a consumer tells five or ten people. Then then they tell five or ten people. And it repeats. And grows and grows. Like a virus spreading through a population. The marketer doesn't have to actually do anything else. (They can help by making it easier for the word to spread, but in the classic examples, the marketer is out of the loop.)"

And then he went on to add that "most of all, that viral marketing is like winning the lottery."

I agree with Godin. If you can garner that viral, word-of-mouth buzz, you've got a fairly good chance of success regardless of what type of product or service you're trying to sell.

Hell, you just may even win the lottery.

Will There Be a Goonies 2?

If you were born in 1972 or 1973, chances are you love The Goonies.

I'm not sure what it is about the flick that struck a nerve with me? Maybe it was the adventure. Maybe it was the pirates. Maybe it was the booby traps. Maybe it was the water slide at the end of the movie. Maybe it was a group of friends banding together, defying their parents and hunting for buried treasure.

All I can say is, ever since my first viewing on Friday, June 7, 1985, I've been hooked.

After multiple viewings at the cinema (I believe nine times in a two-month period), my best friend got his very own VHS copy for his birthday. (Remember when new VHS movies were about $75 each?) We treated that video tape like it was the Ark of the Convenant. After each viewing, we'd hit rewind and very carefully place the tape back into the protective plastic case. Then, we'd venture out on our own Goonies adventures in hopes of uncovering a secret hideaway, dead body or Fratelli gang.

Sadly, the closest we came to seeing Sloth chained to a wall was an old shack deep in the woods with rusted raccoon traps, some old newspapers and kitchen knives.

With the onset of puberty, I began to hunt down a different type of booty. It wouldn't be long before I went from searching for buried treasure in the woods to unearthing sinful treasures from a girl's bra and panties.

But, prior to that, I think, some of my favorite memories growing up were during the summers of '85 and '86. And it had a lot to do with The Goonies.

More than 20 years have passed and the movie still resonates in my brain. I've easily seen The Goonies more than 100 times. And, without a doubt, it is one of my top ten favorite films of all time next to Raiders of the Lost Ark, Pulp Fiction, Time Bandits, The Empire Strikes Back, Aliens and Evil Dead 2.

That said, I came across this little piece of news on Mtv's website saying that a sequel to The Goonies is in the works.

Now, I've heard rumors about a possible sequel for quite some time. The cast, including Director Richard Donner, mentioned it in passing during the commentary section of the DVD. I also think the onset of film fanatic websites have brought this whole Goonies 2 idea to the forefront even more so.

To be honest, I'm not sure how I feel about this. On a selfish note, I think it would be a blast to take my kids to a sequel of one of my favorite movies. But, what if it sucks balls?

If it's a good script that centers around the children of the former Goonies who go on an adventure with their parents, the old Goonies, looking for them, I think it could possibly work. If it's the old Goonies gang getting back together 20 years later to go on another mission - I'm not too sure that would work at all.

Another part of me says "Why not do a remake or reimagining of the first film in a different location, with different young actors and a different adventure?" Or maybe even a television series a' la LOST or the X-Files?

Slashfilm.com also broke the news about a possible Goonies cartoon with the same look and feel of Batman: The Animated Series. I think that would work out a little bit better.

Or even better yet, why not make a movie that's set in the summer of 1985, about a group of 12-year old kids on the brink of puberty who are so fascinated by The Goonies that they proceed to go on their own Goonie adventure. Of course, chaos ensues in the form of a group of escaped convicts hunting them down, finding a million dollars in a brief case or unearthing some sort of distant relic or government secret (i.e. UFOs or big foot).

Then another part of me says that whatever Hollywood decides to do, they'll never capture the lightning in a bottle like they did with the first Goonies back in the summer of '85.