Oscar Round-Up. 17-7 Bitches!

So the Oscars were last night and I promised a recap/round-up of my 'picks'.

But, before I begin, I wanted to bring up Steven Speilberg's quote, who presented the Best Picture award last night.

He pointed out that the winning movie would join the Academy as definitely one of the best movies to ever be made (I'm paraphrasing here). But, sent out a gentle reminder the nine other nominated films that do not win, would join such celebrated pictures as Citizen Cane, The Grapes of Wrath, The Graduate and Raging Bull.

Again, judging by my ten best films of all time, you can see that what he speaks is pure truth. That's why I'm not too upset that David Fincher didn't get his just desserts. At the end of they day, people will be talking about The Social Network (i.e. the acting, the score, the screenplay, the history) more than The King's Speech.

It's like Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, Time Bandits, Aliens, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Evil Dead 2 and all of the other movies that shaped my personal life. Those movies mean something to me. Although probably pretty good, The King's Speech isn't going to do that.

So, how did I do. Well, 17-7 overall. Not too shabby.

A couple quotes on the categories that I missed:

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY - I chose Kids Are All Right. But The King's Speech won. I was happy to see the oldest person to win this Academy Award, which gives me motivation that life isn't over at 40 years old. Hell, it's just beginning.

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM - I picked DOGTOOTH. However, IN A BETTER WORLD won. I know nothing about it.

BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN CINEMATOGRAPHY. I picked ROGER DEAKINS for his work in TRUE GRIT. However, INCEPTION won. This was one of the biggest shockers for me. Deakins is a cinematography god. And has never won this award.


BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE. I chose RESTREPO. However, INSIDE JOB won. I hear it's a good film and am looking forward to seeing it. Especially now.

BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN FILM EDITING. Another shocker. I've never not picked this award. I chose 127 Hours, but SOCIAL NETWORK won. In hindsight, I think this is a very well deserved win.

BEST ANIMATED SHORT FILM. I thought Pixar's Day & Night would win. THE LOST THING took the prize. Good job.

BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT FILM. I picked Na Wewe. However, my second choice - GOD OF LOVE took the award. Not surprised.

So, there you have it.

Now, after watching the Oscars, I'm really looking forward to seeing True Grit, Inside Job, The King's Speech and The Fighter.

How about you?

Paranormal Activity 2 (Sketchbook)

(click image to enlarge)

My 2010 Academy Awards Picks

Okay, well the Academy has spoken and I can honestly say - besides John Hawkes getting a nomination for Winter's Bone - the nominations weren't really very surprising.

If you read this blog, you'll know that I pick with my gut, this instance, this instance and this instance, which isn't a very good thing if you've ever watched such a political spectacle as the Academy Awards.

Which reminds me of a story....

About a week ago I was talking to my father-in-law who is also a pretty big movie buff. We got to talking about the Best Picture nominees. He's seen all of them except for Toy Story 3.

I asked him which movie did he think would take home the Oscar.

"King's Speech," he said without hesitation.

"Really," I said. "Seems like Social Network is gaining some steam as well."

"Meh," he said. "It's not going to to win."

"Why not?" I asked.

"Well, let me tell you how it is," he said taking a swig of his Budweiser can. "That Zuckerberg guy was an asshole in the beginning of the movie and he turned out to be a billionaire asshole at the end of the movie."

"Yeah," I asked, wanting more.

"The King's Speech makes you feel good at the end," he said proudly. "It made you happy when you left the theater. It made you feel like you could take on the world."

All was quiet for a couple seconds. Then he spoke up.

"Don't know about you, but I like to feel like I can take on the world when I leave the theater."

So, with that story in mind, I'm going to give it my best shot this year and, this year, not going with my gut but what's going to be probable.

BEST PICTURE - THE KING'S SPEECH
I hope this is Fincher's year. Additionally, with BLACK SWAN, WINTER'S BONE, TRUE GRIT and even TOY STORY 3 up for the honors - it's a tough one. With Hooper being awarded Best Director for KING'S SPEECH, I'm going with the odds and saying this will win Best Picture. But, personally, I felt THE SOCIAL NETWORK was the pick of the litter with BLACK SWAN a strong second.

BEST ACTOR - COLIN FIRTH - THE KING'S SPEECH
I just can't see anyone else winning this but Firth.

BEST ACTRESS - NATALIE PORTMAN - BLACK SWAN
Bening's performance was flawless (which makes me scratch my head right now), but I think Bening was more of supporting role working of the likes of Mark Ruffalo and Julienne Moore. Portman had to carry the entire movie. I would like to see Lawrence win for WINTER'S BONE. But that's not going to happen. Next.

BEST ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE - CHRISTIAN BALE - THE FIGHTER
This will be a salute to Bale's fine catalogue of work in a number of crazy-ass movies from THE DARK KNIGHT all the way to THE MECHANIC - and everything in between.

BEST ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE - MELISSA LEO - THE FIGHTER
Now, if Bening was in this category, I'd say it was a no-brainer. That said, I was on the fence. Hailee Steinfeld did a respectable job for her role as the young daughter looking for a little payback to the people who killed her father. However, Melissa Leo will probalby win. She won the Golden Globe and the Screen Actor's Guild Award. I'm picking her.

BEST ANIMATED PICTURE - TOY STORY 3
One of the best movie's of the year. However, How To Train Your Dragon was a helluva film and picked up a shitlod of awards at last week's Annie Awards. This may be a gut pick, but fuck it.

BEST DIRECTOR- - TOM HOOPER - THE KING'S SPEECH
I thought this would be Fincher's year. What's great abouth his direction in this film is that it's so under the radar. Besides Sorkin's screenplay, he created the mood and the tone that made this near-flawless film come to life. However, the Director's Guild already awarded Hooper for his work. The stats don't lie. Only six times, has the DGA winner not won the Academy Award. Bummer.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY - THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT, Lisa Cholodenko & Stuart Blumberg
I'm alwayins hearing good things about ANOTHER YEAR, THE FIGHTER and INCEPTION (the most original story of the year). However, more original screenplay winners are usually acting gems, that's why I think it's a toss-up between the two big guns in THE KING'S SPEECH and THE KIDS. My gut says the Kids!

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY - THE SOCIAL NETWORK - AARON SORKIN
I think Toy Story 3's screenplay is vastly underrated. But it won't win. Winter's Bone is fantastic as well. But it won't win. Give this one to Sorkin to create a whirlwind of a movie with witty dialogue, flashbacks aplenty and making a movie about a computer program so goddamn intense.

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM - DOGTOOTH
Haven't seen any of these except for DOGTOOTH. But I would say it's a toss-up between BIUTIFUL and DOGTOOTH. I'm going with the latter. DOGTOOTH is one of the craziest most original films I've seen. I hear Biutiful is a sob fest. 

BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN CINEMATOGRAPHY - ROGER DEAKINS - TRUE GRIT
Let's look at some of the highpoints of Roger Deakin's resume shall we...THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION, O' BROTHER WHERE ART THOU, THE ASSASINATION OF JESSE JAMES, A BEAUTIFUL MIND, FARGO, REVOLUTIONARY ROAD, JARHEAD...among others. It's about time this guy got his just desserts.

BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE - Restrepo (National Geographic Entertainment) - An Outpost Films Production Tim Hetherington and Sebastian Junger
Loved Exit Through the Gift Shop. Would like to see Banksy show up to win this award. However, in my mind, it wasn't a 100% documentary. More like 50% documentary. 50% Spinal-Tap esque mockumentary. Plus, Restrepo was one of the most powerful movies that I saw last year. Check it out.

BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECT - Strangers No More - A Simon & Goodman Picture Company Production Karen Goodman and Kirk Simon
Killing In The Name is about a Muslim speaking out on Terrorism. Poster Girl is a movie about an former soldier speaking out on guns. Strangers No More is about a grade school in Tel Aviv featuring children from 48 different countries.  Sun Come Up is about a group of people who live on an island and are forced to flee their land due to global warming.The Warriors Of Qiugang is like the movie Erin Brokovich but it takes place in China.  I'm going for Strangers because it spreads a message of hope rather than heartache.


BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN FILM EDITING - 127 Hours (Fox Searchlight) Jon Harris
I've never lost in successfully picking this category. Never. That said, I have a feeling it's going to be a three-way between Black Swan, The Social Network and 127 Hours. Due to the subject content and the rapid fire-editing that's been accustomed to Danny Boyle's style, I'm going with 127 HOURS. I mean, how on earth do you make a guy who's arm is stuck to a rock interesting for 2 hours? Boyle, and his editor, succeeded.

ACHIEVEMENT IN VISUAL EFFECTS - Inception (Warner Bros) - Paul Franklin, Chris Corbould, Andrew Lockley and Peter Bebb
I just can't see anyone else winning this. ALICE IN WONDERLAND was grand, but.....

BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN ART DIRECTION - Alice in Wonderland (Walt Disney) - Production Design: Robert Stromberg, Set Decoration: Karen O'Hara
Although this made some people's 10 worst list (not mine), I think Alice in Wonderland had some strong points, the Art Direction and Costumes were at the very top.

BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN COSTUME DESIGN - Alice in Wonderland (Walt Disney) - Colleen Atwood
See Art Direction above.

BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN MAKEUP - The Wolfman (Universal) Rick Baker and Dave Elsey
I've been a Rick Baker fan ever since he won his first Academy Award for AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON. Finally got to see The Wolfman last week on HBO. Ironic he's going to win another OSCAR for another interpretation of his masterpiece.

BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN MUSIC WRITTEN FOR MOTION PICTURES (ORIGINAL SCORE) - The Social Network (Sony Pictures Releasing) - Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross
Just a hunch. Another gut pick because I love Nine Inch Nails.

ACHIEVEMENT IN MUSIC WRITTEN FOR MOTION PICTURES (ORIGINAL SONG) - “We Belong Together” from Toy Story 3 (Walt Disney) - Music and Lyric by Randy Newman

Everyone loves Randy Newman. That's why I think he'll win his second Academy Award for another great Toy Story song.

BEST ANIMATED SHORT FILM - Day & Night (Walt Disney) - A Pixar Animation Studios Production Teddy Newton
I viewed all of the Animated Short Film nominees except for Let's Pollute (which is a cool idea for some sort of online infomercial). In my opinion, it's going to come down to three. Although I loved Let's Pollute, I think Day & Night, The Gruffalo and The Lost Thing are heads and tails above the rest. The Lost Thing, based on a children's book by Shaun Tan, looks like the biggest contender. However, Day & Night was just a great idea, I can't see anyone else winning this. Unless, the Academy is sick of giving awards to Pixar.

BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT FILM - Na Wewe (Premium Films) - A CUT! Production Ivan Goldschmidt
I thought Na Wewe was the best acted out of all the other shorts (which is what I would go by if I were judging). However, I would also give a nod to God of Love for it's black and white sleek look.

ACHIEVEMENT IN SOUND EDITING - Inception (Warner Bros) - Richard King
Just because.

ACHIEVEMENT IN SOUND MIXING - Inception (Warner Bros) - Lora Hirschberg, Gary A. Rizzo and Ed Novick
Just because. (See Sound Editing).

Well, there you have it. Tune in on Monday morning after the Oscars to see how I did. Feel free to use these picks for your ballots. I'm sure you'll win some cash.

Football, Fatherhood and Feeling Guilty.

I have a guilty conscious.

For instance...

If I'm not spending time with my kids...I feel guilty. If I spend too much time with my kids...I feel guilty that I'm not experiencing the spice of life.

If I don't write or draw...I feel guilty. If I write or draw too much...I feel guilty that I should be doing other things, like running.

If I skip my daily run...I feel guilty. If I run too much...I feel guilty that I'm not spending enough time with my kids.

You get the idea.

It's a never-ending cycle that drives me absolutely bananas.

So, a week or so ago, I was feeling guilty about not spending enough time with my kids. In particular, my three-year old son.

As fate would have it, this past weekend we both had an opportunity to spend some 'Man-time' together when my wife decided to take our four-year old daughter to get her toes painted.

The NFL playoffs were on the tube, which sparked an idea...a perfect father-son tradition that has been handed down from Eimer generation to generation...

Tossing Football! The perfect male-bonding experience for any male, any age at any time.

As my son was napping (yes, he still naps), I ran to the garage and started searching for the pigskin. I hit paydirt - a Michael Vick-branded Atlanta Hawks football.

It was a football that my good, old dad purchased for me back in 2006 during our summer vacation at the Jersey Shore.

With football in hand, I walked in from the garage to find my bleary-eyed son, rubbing his eyes with one hand and holding an Ugly Doll in the other.

"Hey guy," I said holding up the football. "Wanna toss some football with your old man."

"Don't want to toss football," he said. "I want the ferry."

"Ferry?" I asked. "Are you looking for a ferry boat?"

"No," he said again. "A ferry."

"Let's just toss some football and we'll find the ferry later," I said as I lobbed the red and black oval into the air.

The ball bounced on the floor with a clunk. My son took off running.

"Hey," I yelled. "Where are you going?"

"I want to play with ferry!"

I sighed. Then I heard a loud happy shriek that sounded like a young girl, but was definitely from my young son.

"I found it," he exclaimed.

He turned the corner, a big smile on his face as he was holding a Tinker Bell figurine.

"Oh, a fairy," I said nodding my head as I picked up the football.

Then I looked at Tinker Bell. Then I looked back at the Michael Vick-branded football.

Back and forth. Back and forth.

Then I thought....(click here).

Whip It...Good!

As I’ve stated in a couple previous entries, I'm an avid runner.

As I've also stated in a previous entry, I find a lot of crazy shit when I run on the highway.

Last year, I noticed an uptick in the number of beer cans strewn on the side of the road. I blamed the stock market.

This year, I’ve been noticing something a bit more peculiar...Reddi wip™ cans.

No, not the circular Tupperware-like plastic containers of Cool Whip, but the long, metallic cylinders of whipped cream.

There are literally dozens and dozens of these festive-looking cans strewn along the road.

At first, I pictured a rather large-and-in-charge male or female navigating their high-priced Lexi (plural of Lexus) down Hametown Road, driving with their knees, as they juggle a Hostess® Fruit Pie in one hand, a can of Reddi Wip in the other hand, attempting to indulge in an extraordinary dessert.

But, c’mon! Let’s be realistic. That’s not what’s happening at all.

If I was a betting man (and I am) I would say it’s a group of teenagers-possibly from the Revere school district or, at the very least, neighboring Cuyahoga Falls, Medina, Richfield or Fairlawn-doing Whip its.

Yep, Whip-Its® - the act inhaling nitrous oxide from small compressed canisters or compressed cans of whipped cream. (Thanks Urban Dictionary!)

Seems to be quite a resurgence going on in this particular neighborhood nowadays. And I have a couple thoughts as to why:

• It’s harder and harder for the youngsters to get alcohol.
• It’s harder and harder to steal mom and dad’s prescription ‘back pills’.
• It’s harder and harder to buy expensive weed on a high school student’s budget.
• Simply put, it’s harder and harder for younger people to catch a buzz nowadays.

Look, I’ll admit it, I’ve done Whip-Its in my lifetime.

Yes, it's addictive. And, yes, it does kill mega brain cells by depriving fresh oxygen to your noggin. Hence, the buzz.

The last time I did Whip-its was about seven years ago...

I was living in Columbus, Ohio. It was a dull Wednesday night. My two good friends (who happen to be married) and I decided to grab a 12-pack of beer and a couple canisters of Whip-its, a canister cracker (I think that’s what they're called) and some balloons at a local Kwicky Mart.

We giddily drove to my buddy's house and indulged in an hour and a half of pure nitrous fun! With our lips blue and our heads throbbing, we watched about 10 back-to-back episodes of COPS and then called it a night.

Another story...

During a Spring Break waaaaay back in college, five of my buddies and I crammed into two small Honda Accords and hightailed it down to Hunting Island, South Carolina, with a huge tank of Nitrous Oxide hidden deep in the trunk. And when I say tanks, I'm not talking about the little itty-bitty canisters used by your neighborhood dentist. I'm talking the big-ass tanks they use to juice up drag-racing cars.

In any event, it took six dudes less than two days to suck down an entire tank of the stuff. In the middle of the night, I remember more than once hearing a silent zipping sound of the tent being opened, then suddenly an extremely loud discharge of the Nitrous Oxide tanks echoing in the night as one my friends filled up their designated balloon with the hippity, hoppity fun-filled gas.

Little did we know the buzz would evaporate for good. Shortly after our fun-filled Spring Break, nitrous oxide manufacturers deliberately added a small percentage of sulfur dioxide to the tanks as an irritant to discourage substance abuse by goofballs pining to achieve the laughing gas effect. Damn them to Hell.
But I digress...

While I think it’s fine that America's newest generation of pimple pushers are experimenting with this somewhat trippy drug that makes you giggle for a couple seconds, I’m a little perturbed that they’re being thrown out the window like an errant used condom after a quick back-seat bang (not that that’s good either).

So, Northeast Ohio youngsters, can you do me a favor?

After you get your little jollies off inhaling your whipped cream, please, pretty please (with some fucking sugar on top) toss your canisters in a plastic bag and pitch them into the garbage. There are plenty of bins and receptacles around the Bath area where you can toss these metallic eyesores. Maybe you can even look to recycling as well.
All I know is that Mother Nature would be much, much happier.

And, more importantly, so would I.

Eimer's Top Reads of 2010

This year, I didn’t come even close to last year’s record of 46 books.

I only read 27 books.

Due to my 2009 New Year’s Resolution - More Eimer in 2010 - I’ve been drawing more cartoons, working on my novel(s) and children’s books, writing a bit more, watching more movies and running a bit longer than my average of 1.5 miles a day achieved last year.

In any event, I've uncovered more great books this year that I think would make great reads for all three readers of this blog. Some oldies. Some newbies. Some of the best books I’ve ever read.

So here goes...below are my top ten reads of 2010, in no particular order. Click each title to shoot to the respective Amazon.com page (So you can order the damn books!):

Born To Run by Christopher McDougall
If you're a runner, jogger or moderately interested in exercise, you need to read this book. Part-autobiography, part-history, part-anthropological study, part-self-help book, this novel has it all. If you don't run, it will inspire you to get off your feet. If you do run, it's packed with a lot of helpful tips, plus motivation from some of the best ultra-marathoners in the United States, not to mention tips and strategies from the Tarahumara tribe of Ultra-runners who live in the Copper Canyons of the Sierra Madres. Like I said, fantastic book!

Speaker for the Dead by Orson Scott Card
Extremely, thought-provoking, well-written sequel to Ender's Game. It's like a murder-mystery with aliens. Orson Scott Card effortlessly weaves concepts of nature, religion, science, technology and science fiction into his fiction to make a very quick, very entertaining read. If you're a science fiction fan, pick up this book and Ender's Game.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larrson
When it comes to books, I'm not that into mysteries. That said, this book is highly recommended on all fronts. Great writing. This isn't James Patterson crap. This is more comparable to Conan Doyle and Agatha Christie - even somewhat comparable to Thomas Harris (Silence of the Lambs). Being a former journalist, I also found Larsson's world extremely intriguing. Note: The first 50 pages are setting the scene, don't let it dissuade you.

Frankenstein by Mary Shelley
You know the movie Frankenstein and the Frankenstein's Monster? Well, this book - the original book - is nothing like the movies and the fantastic monsters that Filmland created. No, this book is much darker. The monster is much smarter - and evil. He's not dumb. He's cold, calculated and very, very angry. And the main protagonist Dr. Frankenstein is a tortured soul in every sense of the word. I'm very happy I picked up this book and found out the Mary Shelley's true vision. Highly recommended for horror fans and literatire fans alike.

The Old Man and the Sea by Ernest Hemingway
At only 100+ pages Hemingway fills each page with precise language. Highly recommended to any lover of fiction. Which begs a question, why do authors need to write 500+ page books. This is proof enough that a 100+ pager can do the job - if you have the right story.

The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck
So much to say that I can't possibly touch on all facets of this book. Lets just say that Steinbeck has captured the essence of everyman's dialogue. He's weaved a triumphant story that will stand as the pinnacle of great American literature. Like I said, I need more space to talk about the importance of this book. Yes, it's long. But it's well worth the read.

The Making of Star Wars by J.W. Rinzler
If you're a fan of STAR WARS, or a fan of the film-making process, you'll love this book. It's a long book with very small text. But it kept my enthralled from beginning to end. Great behind the scenes pics and inside scoops on the heartbreak, the triumph and the creativity that was poured into this film. This is the definitive book on one of the most important movies of all time. Highly recommended.

Night by Elie Weisel
After you read this, you truly realize how incredibly lucky Wiesel was. This is a book that everyone should read. Very powerful. A little on the depressing side due to its content (A child and his family trying to survive the holocaust). But, it definitely makes you think how lucky we are to live in the United States. Right here, right now. The train sequence is the most tragic part of book.

Columbine by Dave Cullen
Another tragic novel. Pretty powerful stuff. If you were always wondering the true story about what happened in Columbine, this is the book. Let me warn you, it's not pretty. In fact, it's kind of unsettling. However, if you're a teacher or a parent, I'd say pick it up. Trust me, there is a lot you don't know about the Columbine tragedy. And most of the so-called 'facts' that you read in the newspapers were totally bogus.

Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy
This is a book about death, destruction, mutilation, brutality and torture in the wild west. In fact, I would wager that this book averages, at least, one death per page. Truth be told, it's a fascinating book. McCarthy has a fantastic grasp of the English language and weaves a compelling story. This book made TIME's Top 100 books since 1923 and, definitely deserves a spot on your list. Bloody great read.

ADDITIONAL WARNING: Like I said last year, if you're interested in any of the above books, I implore you to not (NOT) visit Wikipedia to learn more. The Wikipedia summaries are filled to gills with spoilers that will ruin these books for first-time readers.

Eimer’s Top 10 Worst Films of 2010

No need to write an intro paragraph to this entry. You get the gist.

PLEASE NOTE: I didn't attach any IMDB info on this one because, frankly, this an announcement to the masses to save your money - and your time.

Consider yourself warned:

The Last Exorcism (2010)
Lots of potential, but basically a flat fart in the end. It's THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT with a possessed kid instead of a witch. You have your film crew. You have your main character talking to the camera. You have your cinematographer. Blah. Blah. Blah. I read about the 'crazy' ending. But, it's all bogus. The whole movie is a sham to get little teenybopper girls to the theaters and scream into their boyfriends arms. In this case, you'll be screaming - for your money back and your 87 minutes back. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.

Leaves of Grass (2009)
Meh. If you're into acting performances, the only reason to check out this film is to see Ed Norton play indentical twins from the opposite ends of the spectrum (a' la Cage in ADAPTATION). I had high hopes for this film from Actor/Director/Writer Tim Blake Nelson. But this film just didn't know what it wanted to be. A black comedy? A drama? A crime thriller. In my opinion, with so many great comedic actors (including Dreyfuss), he should have stuck the comedy route.

Date Night (2010)
Oh man. This movie was bad. Once again Hollywood insults the intelligence of couples who are seemingly too timid and too stupid to handle the big city simply because they live in the suburbs. But that's not my biggest gripe. It's sad watching Carell and Fey try to deliver unfunny lines through a seemingly unfunny script. I feel for them. It's a pity, because I had high hopes for this film that wanted to be everything (i.e. comedy, action-adventure, drama and romance), but instead turned into 88 minutes of nothing. Skip this. You've been warned.

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps (2010)
Meh. I'm not sure what I was expecting from this film, but it definitely wasn't this. I figured out what was going to happen in the end about 15 minutes into the film. Speaking of the ending, it was a big block of Hollywood cheese. Why not make it true to Gordon Gecko's character instead of trying to accomodate the American masses who desire a happy ending of their films? A brief cameo from original WALL STREET actor Charlie Sheen reminded me of what was so great about the original film, and not so great about this film. Oliver Stone sold out and should be very ashamed of this end product.


Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans (2009)
Meh. Interesting concept: to have a different Bad Lieutenant movie for each major city directed by a different director. However, this one falls flat. Nic Cage isn't bad enough. Plus, he sort of transforms into a drunken, buzzed-up Jimmy Stewart for the second-half of the film. I was expecting more from Werner Herzog. Plus, what the heck is Val Kilmer doing nowadays? He's been reduced to a supporting character role.

The Human Centipede: First Sequence (2009) 
Whoa Nelly! Watching this movie is like running a horrific half-marathon...with your eyes. 95% of the people that read this review will be turned off by this movie. Its torture horror at its finest (or worst). If you think youre in the other 5% group, then check er out. I don't think I'll ever watch this mess of a movie again. It's an interesting idea, but the director didn't really didnt think his creation through in how the centipede would actually obtain nourishment. If you watch the movie, youll see what I mean. Scratch that, don't watch it.

Bronson (2008)
To be brutally honest (no pun intended), I wasn't feeling this film at all. I wanted to, especially after reading the positive critical reviews. I really, really wanted to like this movie. But, in the back of my mind, I felt that this movie had been made before. Then I remembered Eric Bana's acting debut CHOPPER, which tells the same type of story as this flick, but is ten times better. I understand this was on a lot of top 10 lists and all that jazz. But I just felt this movie was all retread.

Jennifer's Body (2009)
Cliche. Cliche. Cliche. Blech. Just like Rob Zombie's HALLOWEEN, plenty of bark, but no bite. Even cutey-pie Megan Fox and a snarky script by Oscar-winning screenwriter Diablo Cody (Juno) can't pull this horror movie demon/dracula/zombie high-school murder retread out of the 2-star dumpster. Rent Sam Raimi's DRAG ME TO HELL instead. It's a far superior film compared to this piece of poo. Next.

A Perfect Getaway (2009)
The more I think about this movie, the more I'm positive I'm not going to remember it in two years. Heck, even two months. Great cinematography. But that's about it. Everyone will swoon over the twist ending. But it's more of a twist middle. The rest of the movie is all Scooby Doo or should I say Scooby Pooh. (ha! I'm funny) Timothy Olyphant acts like a poor-man's Bill Paxton. I'm also convinced the other actors signed on the dotted line for an excuse to film a movie in Hawaii. I loved Twohy's PITCH BLACK, but none of his movies since have cut the mustard for me. Like I said, meh. But, hey, at least there's some hints of nudity to keep you entertained. I said hints.

The Box (2009)
Meh. I think the whole idea of Richard Matheson's short story was the fact that the reader wasn't sure why the box and the button was happening to this specific couple. In the film version, Director/Writer Richard Kelly leaves no stone unturned in telling us his thoughts on The Box and the mysterious man. To be honest, I'm pretty sure I didn't want to know. Matheson's story is, arguably, one of the finest horror short stories ever written. Kelly bastardizes this chilling story into a SOUTHLAND TALES-type conspiracy theory that threatens the very fabric of our existence. Too much information in this overblown, overhyped movie. Which begs the questions, is Kelly a one-hit wonder?


Next Monday: Eimer's Best Reads of 2010.