Stories from Kroger #6: The Restroom

I've seen a lot crazy sights at Ghetto Kroger.

Fights in the parking lot.

Tranny's sticking T-Bone steaks in their underwear.

The occasional drunk college kid passing out in the store.

Even the restrooms had some crazy sights.

One particular night when I was wrapping up my daily bagging duties, I ran into the men's room to take a quick piss. As I pushed open the door, my eyeballs focused on a bum, standing next to the sink bathing himself. He was naked all the way down to his dirty, brown skivies.

"Oh, my bad," he said. "Excuse me."

"No big deal," I shouted out. "I just have to take a piss."

In reality, I was a bit freaked out.

After doing my business, I zipped up my pants and headed to the door.

The bum looked over his shoulder, stopped his bathing and politely asked, "You want to use the sink to wash your hands?"

I looked at his peppered beard. It was slathered in brown soap.

I looked at the sink. It was an awful shade of brown.

"Naw, I'm good," I said as I exited the restroom.

I should add that the Kroger restroom was employee-only. But that didn't stop anyone from using it.

Two more stories then I'm finished. I promise.

Another day I left the breakroom to head back to the front of the store to continue my bagging duties. Before I could exit the backroom, this enormous man hobbled through the swinging doors.

I had to actually move out of the way so he could fit through. He had to be about 400 pounds.

And, wouldn't you know it, he made a beeline straight for the unlocked restroom.

"Wow," I thought to myself. "That's a pretty big man." And that was that.

It wasn't until after about an hour or so of bagging groceries that I would begin to hate that mother fucker.

"Eimer," my manager approached me as my mind was completely lost staring at yet another beautiful blonde cashier's ass. "Can you come over here a minute."

I noticed the odd look on his face and presumed I was going to be fired. I should note that whenever a higher authority wants to talk to me, I always assume that I'm being fired.

"Ummm, I don't know how to put this, so I'm just going to say it," he said.

"What?" I asked. I was truly intrigued.

"Well," he paused. "Some fat guy shit in the men's restroom and left a pretty big mess. I need you to go clean it up."

Being head bagger, I figured this type of nonsense should be delegated to the last man on the totem pole. Restroom clean-up was definitely not on the head bagger's list of duties.

"What about Phil?" I said referring the store's new bagger/cart getter. "Or how about Jonas?"

"Oh we asked Phil. But when he found out he had to clean up someone else's shit, he quit," said the manager rubbing his head. "And Jonas just left for the day."

I probably looked like a zombie at this point.

"So can you take one for the team and help me out here?" the manager asked. "I won't forget it."

I tried to say "Fuck that shit. I quit too!" But, on the journey from my brain to my mouth, the wiring got all messsed up and instead I said, "Okay, I'll do it."

Armed with every cleaning product known to man, I entered the restroom and...let's just say it was a battle of epic proportions. Poop stains were everywhere. I'm not sure, but it almost looked like the guy just walked into the stall, backed up until the back of his knees hit the toilet. Then dropped his pants and took a shit without even sitting down. Or looking.

I should also note that this was, by far, one of my most degrading times at Ghetto Kroger; cleaning up a fat man's blowout.

However, another story came out of the entire poop-cleaning process. Last one I promise.

As I was cleaning up the chunky-man's shit, I started to read some of the writings on the bathroom stall. While making their brown sacrifice to the porcelain god, co-workers were scribbling a war of words with other co-workers. Some were dirty. Some were crude. Most of them roused some giggles from my shit-stained face.

Than I wondered, 'Was this the way early man communicated with each other?' Going from cave-to-cave, scrawling crude 'fuck you' and 'your penis is small' jokes for other cavemen to be entertained after a day's sabretooth hunting?

One particular quote caught my attention. Hmm, it wasn't really a quote. More of a poem.

No. Let's not say a poem.

Sort of, almost, like a rap.

It went like this:

Moody Mas is teaching class.
Ya'll suckas are on my level.
Sicker than the Son of Sam I am.
I slam. I'm worse than the Devil.

No, it wasn't William Shakespeare, Cormac McCarthy or F. Scott Fitzgerald. Hell, it didn't even come close to Run DMC. But, somehow this rhyme found a spot in the gray matter of my brain going on 15 years now.

I just can't seem to shake it.

So, after I cleaned up the poop. I thoroughly washed my hands in the restroom sink.

Then I thought about the naked bum who, more than likely, probably washed his testicles in the same sink. I stopped mid-wash and instead opted to wash my hands in the sink located in the meat department. More sterile I figured.

On my journey, I couldn't help but recite that stupid rap over again. And, during my rap, I wanted to add a little flava. I decided to put a little thug into my newly remembered restroom rhyme...

Moody Mas is teaching class.
Ya'll suckas are on my level.
Sicker than the Son of Sam I am.
I slam. I'm worse than the Devil.

Fred, the cashier, was walking by and suddenly stopped in his tracks.

"What did you just say?" he asked me.

I recited the rap again.

"Dude," Fred said with a big smile on his face. "I wrote that!"

Other Stories from Ghetto Kroger:
Story #1: Intro
Story #2: Magic
Story #3: Big Head
Story #4: Goldilocks
Story #5: Jonas

A theory on My Friends Tigger and Pooh.

Don't call the police on us, but 'yes' my wife and I let our kids watch cartoons in the morning.

[Enter Psycho murdering music here]

To be honest, I could give two shits about either side of the Is-cartoon-watching-good-or-bad-for-your-kids? spectrum. I grew up on Tex Avery, Chuck Jones and Disney and it really didn't hurt me too much. Plus, I think that's what sparked my creative juices to think up such brilliant pieces of artwork including Murder Hill, Retchie Retch and FUCK!.

But, I also understand the fact that too much of anything is a bad thing. Even cocaine.

So, anyway, it was Saturday. It was 8 a.m. And my daughter just finished breakfast. We decided to turn on the TV, chill out for an hour or so in the playroom and watch some cartoons.

But, instead of watching what I thought was going to be Little Einsteins, we were bombarded by the sights, sounds and images of My Friends Tigger and Pooh.

We both let out a collective groan.

This past weekend the show came on again. For the next 27 minutes, I sat there with my daughter trying to figure out why it was so damn weird.

Then it hit me.

Darby is, in fact, a very old lady living in a mental hospital called the Hundred Acres Woods Mental Facility.

She met a guy called Christopher Robin (acute schizophrenia), who introduced Darby to all the great creatures he'd met while at the Hundred Acres Woods. As it turns out, all of the characters such as Rabbit, Kanga, Roo, Tigger and the elephant are also humans playing out this weird, psychotic theater of the mind at the facility.

Even Pooh, who is a 60-year old male suffering from early-stages of dementia, is in on the action.

And although it appears that all of Darby's adventures are taking place in the Hundred Acres Wood. In reality the hijinx are being orchestrated in a 12' x 12' padded room with the entire motley crew strapped in straight jackets.

Robin, who was released from the facility prior to the start of the show, returns in a couple episodes to visit Darby and the rest of the 'patients' at the facility. Under the doctor's order, he humors them and plays along with their little adventures although he's totally cured of his condition through meds.

So what do you think? Am I totally off or what?

I think not.

Blindness Movie Trailer

When I was living in Columbus, I was part of a book club.

Someone in the pack picked the 1995 novel Blindness written by Jose Saramoga, who won the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1998.

The novel is about a society suffering an epidemic of blindness, which completely shuts down commerce, manufacturing and even (gulp) advertising agencies.

Imagine a world without copywriters?

In any event, a lot of people in the book club seemed to like the book.

Personally, I was not one of them.

For starters Saramoga uses an experimental style often featuring long sentences like the one youre reading now Sometimes they are more than a page long He also fails to use periods and instead connects thoughts with commas Oh yeah he uses no quotation marks to express dialogue He also fails to announce which character is talking or which character is doing a specific action In this particular novel Saramago sometimes abandons the use of proper nouns as well which can be very confusing to a person that simply wants to relax when reading a book Whew

When I was reading Cormac McCarthy's The Road, zero quotation marks around the dialogue didn't bother me at all.

When I was reading Blindness, the above style was very tedious and very annoying to me. More often than not, I would lose my train of thought. Instead of picturing characters and words in my mind, I would daydream about what I was going to eat for lunch the next day. I just couldn't get into the book. And I'm 100% sure it had a lot to do with his writing technique.

Like I said, some people in the group weren't bothered by his style. Instead, they enjoyed a very deep, engrossing, thought-provoking book. Or so I'm told. Maybe they were lying.

In any event, when I found out Fernando Meirelles (City of God, The Constant Gardener) signed on to direct a movie adaptation of the book starring Julianne Moore, Danny Glover and Mark Ruffalo among others, I was extremely intrigued.

No, not intrigued enough to read the book again. But intrigued nonetheless.

Check out the trailer below:


My first opinion of the trailer: it reminds me of the movie Children of Men, starring Clive Owen, Michael Caine and, ironically, Moore.

It also feels a little bit apocalyptic zombie like 28 Days Later or even George Romero's underrated Day of the Dead. Perhaps it's because of the bleak, overexposed cinematography from César Charlone - who was also behind the camera for both Gardener and God.

Don McKeller adapted the screenplay from Saramoga's book. Coincidentally, he also co-wrote two of the most underrated art-house flicks I've ever seen in Highway 61 and Thirty-Two Short Films About Glenn Gould,

I dunno. Much like my hesitation to see Perfume based on it's title alone, I'm not really psyched to see a movie about blind people called Blindness.

But it does look interesting and compelling to say the least. Plus, it's got a great cast, great director, great writer and great cinematographer. Eventually, I think I'll check this one out just to give these guys some money to continue to ply their trade. More than likely, though, it will be on DVD.

Regardless, I can assure you that it will garner some kudos come 2008 movie awards season.

So...what do you think?

NOTE: Every year, I go on a hiking trip to unknown parts of the nation. Tomorrow, I'll be heading out to the wild-blue yonder of Tennessee to tackle 45 miles of the Appalachian Trail with five other hell raisers pushing 40 years old. Later.

A Winning One-Word Presidential Campaign Speech.

I was in sixth grade history class and our teacher Ms. Myers (a dinosaur of a woman who always wore these big, flowery sundresses) was discussing the various American wars of the world.

As I scanned the room, you could just tell that no one was paying any attention to her.

Some were doodling. Some were drooling. Others were picking their nose. Some were even flicking their nose. I, however, was scrawling EIMER FOR PRESIDENT on my brown paper grocery bag history book cover.

No, no one was paying attention to her stupid presentation. Because all thoughts (at least my own) were firmly focused on the upcoming class presidential elections scheduled to occur right after history class.

The three candidates (myself included) were going to read campaign speeches in front of the class in hopes of persuading potential suckers to vote for us.

I practiced my speech all night and couldn't wait to take the stage. It was funny, yet sublime. Poignant, yet loosey-goosey. It was perfect.

Without being too cocky, I knew that after my speech was over, I was destined to be President of Steeple Valley.

My thoughts of conquering the world were rudely interrupted by Ms. Myers' scraggily voice.

"My oh my," she said in a high octave that woke up the class. "I've been through a lot of wars."

Then she looked up in the air, deep in thought, and started counting the various wars on her fingers.

"Vietnam...World War 1...World War 2....Korean," she put a finger to her mouth and started tapping her lip. "Mmmmm?"

Suddenly this kid Jason (who was also running for class president) yelled from the back row.

"Civil."

The class started to laugh.

Ms. Myers, however, got pissed.

She gave Jason one of those Marty Feldman, angry teacher glares. Then, without saying a word, held out her skeleton-like finger and pointed towards the door.

With a big shit-eating grin on his face, Jason shuffled off to the principal's office; an inevitable detention was in his foreseeable future.

More importantly, he wouldn't be able to deliver his campaign speech to the masses.

Oh yeah!

But, it really didn't matter.

Much to Ms. Myers chagrin (and my own), his one-word pre-election campaign speech cemented his legacy as our Sixth-Grade Class President.

It was a landslide victory.

Kudos to you Jason. Kudos to you.

As they say in the news; there's no such thing as bad publicity. Especially if it's funny.

________

Click here for another childhood story involving Jason.

Quick Links: Camacho 4th of July Edition

Below are some thoughts, observations and links for your enjoyment before the Fourth of July Weekend.

BONUS POST: Remember the movie Pump Up The Volume with Christian Slater? Remember when he put that cool Beastie Boys track on and said "Now here's a song from my close personal buddies, the Beastie Boys...a song that was so controversial they couldn't put it on their first album." Well, click here to listen to The Scenario. Although not the best quality, it's still nice to find a jewel like this on the Internet.

After reading this link about early detection of Alzheimers, I thought to myself. If this test was sitting right in front of me, would I use it? I'm a constant worrier, so probably not.

If you like funky illustration, you'll like Mitch O'Connell's tattoo site!

Behold, the late, great Stan Winston and his 10 Greatest Creations. Personally, I would consider the special effects for The Thing as #1.

The only negative review of Pixar's WALL-E that I could find comes courtesy of comedian Michael Ian Black of Wet, Hot, American Summer, STELLA and THE STATE fame. Don't shoot me all you Pixar nerds, but I kind of agree with him.

One of my buddies sent me this picture of Stanley Kubrick on the set of his opus 2001: A Space Odyssey. Although I can't pinpoint exactly why, this photo is awesome.

I came across Tom Whalen's art while perusing SlashFilm.com. If you're intrigued, check out his website StrongStuff.net. His talent makes me jealous. And I usually don't get jealous over this type of stuff. Beautiful, beautiful artwork that I would be proud to hang on my wall. Or in my office. Or have sex with.

Want to try to capture the Loch Ness monster, but not so sure you want to travel to Scotland? Click here for an official Loch Ness webcam.

And finally, people have been posting this for a week or so now, but I thought Jerry Seinfeld's tribute to George Carlin in the The New York Times was outstanding. Well-written, tactful with a touch of humor, Seinfeld created a textbook example of how to write a eulogy: Tell a story. Make it personal. Make it funny. And end with a bang. I can only hope someone will write a eulogy this awesome for me.

20 Tips, Ideas & Advice for First-Time Parents; A Guy's Perspective.

My wife-to-be and I had two kids in under two years.

Besides the fact that you'll be surrounded in poop for the next couple years, there are 20 important things that I've learned during my two-year baby-raising tour of duty that I think will help virtually every new parent out there.

While this crap (pun intended) is still in my mind, I would like to spread a little love, advice and tips about the first year of parenting.

As always, take it with a grain of salt. Hopefully, one or two will hit home with you.

Also, I hope this doesn't come off as too pretentious. Like a lot of people in the world, I've lived the life of raising a baby for the past two years. So, hopefully, my unique perspective on the matter can help you out when your back is against the wall and you see that little thing pop out of your wife's ....(well, you know what I'm trying to say).

1.) Baby’s Room = Far, Far, Away
After you have a kid, you may think that you'll be spending most of your time in the living room, dining room or even the baby’s room. Wrong. You’re going to be spending a big amount of your time in the kitchen. In fact, everyone is going to be in the kitchen. Whether you’re making bottles, washing dishes, making dinner, grabbing a beer after a stressful day or just relaxing; you’ll be hanging out in the kitchen. So that’s why it’s important to have the baby’s room as far away from the kitchen as possible. Heck, if your bedroom is the farthest point, I would suggest moving your kid’s room into that room during, at least, the first six months. Also, if you don't have dishwasher, buy one today. You're going to need it.

2.) Netflix
Unless your kid is a freak of nature, you will be up at night. It’s okay. It’s okay. Don’t panic. In 10 or 12 months, you’ll be fine. But those first six months are pretty brutal on the sleepless scale. That’s why I suggest you invest in a subscription to Netflix. I don’t know how many times I was up at night with both of my newborn kids with two hours to kill between sleep and feedings and thinking “Man, I wish I had a movie to watch.” Netflix is the way to go. Click here to read my full report on Netflix. Oh, and I suggest the three-movie deal because, with this deal, you can also download more than 50,000 titles to your computer. My DVD compilation suggestions? Weeds, Entourage, Lost, Deadwood, Six Feet Under, Freaks and Geeks, Arrested Development and The Wire.

3.) Invest in a Sound Machine or Fan.
I don’t care if you’re a hippy who doesn’t want your kid to be a victim of incessant noise pollution, you should invest in some type of white noise maker. Even a CD with continuous waves will do. Why? Well, for starters it gives your kid a better sleep, both day and night. Plus you won’t have to tiptoe around the house when you’re trying to get shit done while the baby’s asleep. NOTE: If your other half insists on playing The Cure's Greatest Hits for your child at night, please smash the CD as soon as possible.

4.) Nip the Colic.
If the baby is crying uncontrollable, don’t try to weather the storm yourself. As Kool Moe Dee said "Go see the doctor." There’s nothing more unsettling (to you and the baby) than a baby that’s crying uncontrollably for four straight days. I mean, you’re already walking on pins and needles trying to feed, change and make sure your kid is as comfortable as possible. If the baby is crying like a fiend, take her to the doctor ASAP and get something for its belly. There is medication out there that can help. Our doctor prescribed baby Pepcid for both our daughter and son. And it worked wonders.

5.) Always ask for Formula and Diapers.
If parenthood were Fight Club. The first rule of Parenthood would be to always ask for Formulas and Diapers. The second rule of Parenthood is to ALWAYS ASK FOR FORMULA AND DIAPERS. Your parents will call. Then they'll ask if they can bring anything. Whatever you do, don’t say “No, we’re cool.” You are a new parent. You are not cool. Instead, say, “Yes, bring formula and diapers.” Formula and diapers are to your baby what gas is to a car = expensive and necessary. If your birthday is coming up, ask for formula and diapers as a gift. For Christmas, don’t ask for a new set of boxer shorts. Ask for formula and diapers. Hell, I've got it so ingrained into my parent’s brains, that they don’t even have to ask. They just bring formula and diapers up instinctively. Like Pavlov's dogs.

6.) Baby's first Christmas.
Don’t buy anything. Don’t you dare buy one thing for your baby. The grandparents will buy everything your child needs and then some. Save your money for Tip #5. Plus, the baby won’t remember getting gifts from you anyway. In fact, the first two Christmas's are like a Monopoly Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free-Card for parents when it comes to purchasing gifts.

7.) Baby's first birthday.
See rule #6. The only thing you need to invest in is a great party. So, spend your cash on cake, balloons, beer and food for the guests. Let me repeast this for the more dense new parents out there; DON'T BUY ANY PRESENTS FOR YOUR KID. Period. The grandparents and other family members will buy enough.

8.) Onesies
During the first six months, both of our kids wore onesies 95% of the time. Why? Because they're practical that's why. Sure, you may see a cute cowboy or sailor outfit and think your kid will look like a doll in it. Hell, we thought the same exact thing when we purchased these cool Ohio State and Purdue outfits for our kids. We didn't dress them in the outfits once. So take my advice: when you're filling out your baby registry, just ask for onesies. They’re cheap. They’re comfortable for the kid (who will be dying to move his legs any chance he can get). Plus they’re easy access when you’re changing a diaper in pitch black at 3 a.m.

9.) Don’t buy shoes.
During the first nine months, both of our kids hardly wore shoes. Don't buy shoes. They're worthless. Only socks and bare feet are the way to go. During her first nine months on this Earth, I think our daughter wore shoes once (for her baptism). Our son has only had shoes on once in his nine months as well. Sure, those little Nikes are cute, but they’re not practical. Save your dough and go see Tip #5.

10.) Get out of the house.
Truth be told, you’re going to want to get away from the kid. You may not think you want to. You may think you’ll want to hold it and love it 24 hours a day. But you won’t. You’ll want to get away. At least for a little while. When that time comes, swallow your pride and have everyone you know come over to help. Grandparents. Sisters. Brothers. Uncles. Nieces. Friends. Nephews. They all want to see this kid grow up to be awesome. So they’re not going to do anything to harm a little hair on his or her body. Take advantage of the seasoned veterans in your family. Then get the hell out of dodge for a couple hours. Go shopping. Go to BW3 and have a beer. Go drive your car around the neighborhood and listen to music. But please for the love of god, get out of the house.

11.) Baby Boot Camp
Eventually, you’ll want your baby to start putting itself to sleep at night. Especially if you both work. When that time comes, I suggest the Ferber method. Basically, it’s letting your baby cry for a specific amount of time, going into the room and comforting said baby, then letting the baby cry again until, exhausted he/she falls asleep. Sure, at times, it can be heart-breaking. But think of it as an investment on your sleep time. When we first tried our own version of the Ferber method (every parenting technique is different), we had to endure both of our kids crying at night. Sometimes for an hour or so. Yep, it was sad. Even if you're the hardest Hells Angels member around, you'll still, want to run in, scoop him up and let him go to sleep on your shoulder. But hold strong. In the long run (two to three weeks or even a couple days), you’ll be happy you did. It took our daughter a while before she caught on. But our son took to it pretty fast. He hardly cries at all when you put him down, which is awesome.

12.) Get as much sleep as possible.
During the first six months of both newborns, as soon as my mom and dad walked in the door, my wife-to-be and I would hand the kids over and head to the bedroom to take a nap. If your parents come over for a visit, go take a nap. If your sister, brother or friends come over, excuse yourself and take a nap. Even if it's for 15 minutes. It’s not rude and it’s not selfish. You'll need as much sleep as you can for the night shifts. Plus, you’ll feel refreshed and ready to kick some baby ass after you wake up.

13.) Invest in a babysitter.
Whether it’s your next-door neighbor, a friend of the family, parents or aunt; get a babysitter once in a while. Don’t feel guilty by getting out of the house for a couple hours, or even a night, and having a bit of fun. You've earrrrrned it.

14.) Take your baby to a restaurant.
We took our daughter to a sushi restaurant when she was six weeks old. We took our son to Winking Lizard when he was even younger. Now they’re both fairly civilized at any family restaurant that we drag them too. Of course, there’s a time window of getting in, having a beer or glass of win and eating. But I would say, 9 times out of 10 they’re great. And I firmly believe it’s because we initiated them into the restaurant scene sooner than later.

15.) Embrace the matriarch.
During the first couple days home after the birth, have your mom stay overnight with you. Preferably the daughter’s mother. If that can’t happen, suck it up and have the father’s mother stay all night. They will provide great support in what will probably be the most stressful and, arguably, the most emotionally tumultuous time of your life.

16.) Plan a vacation.
You always need something to look forward to. Especially when you have a screaming two-month old in your arm at 4 o'clock in the morning. That’s why, it may sound weird, but I encourage you to plan a vacation with or without your baby. Even if it’s an overnight trip, you’ll have something on the horizon to look forward to in the future while you’re taking care of your newborn in the present. Before our daughter arrived, we planned a trip to the Jersey shore and took her with us when she was only three-months old. If I didn’t have that vacation in my sights, I’m not sure what I would have done during those first three months. In hindsight, the vacation was a little crazy, but it was still a great, memorable time nonetheless. (NOTE: I think it was because my parents came for half of the trip). More importantly, it broke up the monotony of getting up, feeding baby, changing diaper, going to work, eating lunch, coming home, feeding baby, changine diaper, going to bed. If you don't plan a trip, it's like freaking Groundhog Day.

17.) Diaper Dékor Plus
If you don’t pay attention to anything I say on this post, I advise you to listen to this tip. Go to Baby’s R Us. Ask your parents. Do anything and everything you can. But purchase a Diaper Dékor Plus Waste Basket. Rather than go into detail about this particular product, all I can say is it’s a wonder of engineering. It’s worth the money. Oh, and by the way, If you happen to purchase one (like I advised), add Diaper Dékor Plus refillable trashbags to your list when referencing Tip #5 to family and friends.

18.) Bugaboo.
From personal experience, I think it’s important to get your kid outdoors. That's why it's very wise to invest a little more money in a lightweight, jogging stroller that can handle the day-to-day activities of a rugged urban environment such as potholes, cement, staircases, grass and rocks. My suggestion: Bugaboo. I’ll admit my mouth dropped when I saw the price. Yours will too. But, hear me out on this. It’s the best investment we’ve ever made pertaining to our children. Minus, of course, the vaccines. Nowadays, you can probably buy a cheap one on Craig's List or E-bay. It truly is the Rolls Royce of strollers. It’s freaking awesome because it handles any condition that the Earth throws at you including sand, puddles, rocks, mud, grass, limestone, even lava (or so I'm told). If you’ve got a little extra dough, invest in one of these bad boys. It practically pays for itself. I mean, our daughter is still using it at two years old. Hell, I may never get rid of it because it's so awesome. I'm going to say awesome one more time. Awesome.

19.) I-pod, Sirius or XM speaker system.
When you have a baby, it’s time to face the fact that you’re going to be spending a lot of time at home. A lot. Especially if it's winter. More importantly, you'll be spending time in the kitchen (see Tip #1). That’s why I suggest you invest in an I-pod, XM or Sirius speaker system for unlimited musical convenience at your finger tips. If you’re feeding the kid (in the kitchen), just pop in a Jack Johnson song or your favorite mellow Bob Marley tune. If the kid's asleep and you feel like rocking out on the patio in your wine-soaked stupor, go ahead and crank it up a notch to the soulful sounds of Rage Against the Machine and/or Nine Inch Nails - all without switching those stupid CDs. Plus, your kid gets a taste of all types of music at an early age. It’s a win-win situation all around.

20.) Create a play room.
Whether you like it or not, your kid is going to be rolling around on the ground. That’s why it’s important to have as much room as possible for them to freely stretch their legs without grabbing something and/or putting it into their mouth or banging their dome on a sharp instrument lying around your utility room (perhaps a bong?). When my wife-to-be and I moved into our house, we deemed the carpeted living room area next to the kitchen, the official kids playroom area. It contains all of their toys, a TV (for Little Einsteins and Sesame Street) and a couch for us to crash out on. It’s one of the smartest things we did when we moved. The kids have a place that they can call their own, reducing the amount of clutter in the bedrooms and around the house. Plus, it’s a cool place to just lounge around and have fun with your spawn.

Well, there you have it, 20 tips for first-time parents; a guy's perspective.

I know, I’m probably missing some other important stuff such as bath time, investing in a dishwasher and tips for visiting other people’s houses (perhaps there will be another list?) But I think this list will get you on the right path to becoming a sane parent during the first year of your newborn’s life.

Zola Budd and the 1984 Olympics.

Last night, I was watching a movie called Cashback with my wife-to-be (27 days and counting before I officially call her my wife).

During one part of the movie, the narrator mentioned the first time he was attracted to a woman was when he saw Zola Budd running on TV during the 1984 Summer Olympics.

"Oh, I remember that," my future wife piped up. "Do you?"

A bit embarrassed, I shook my head.

"You mean, you never heard of the Zola Budd incident?" She said this like everyone in the whole world (at least track and field enthusiasts)should have known about this.

Embarrased again, I shook my head.

"Pffffffttt," she said. "And you call yourself a track and field fan."

It's true, I am a track and field fan. I love the pole vault, distance running, dashes, relays, all that good shit.

But, in 1984, I was 12-years old. I was a pubescent boy thinking about girls, running around getting into trouble and seeing movies....tons and tons of summer movies. Kick-ass summer movies such as Beverly Hills Cop, Ghostbusters, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Red Dawn, Purple Rain, Sixteen Candles, The Terminator, The Karate Kid, Footloose, Romancing the Stone, Canonball Run 2, Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan and Splash. To name a few.

I was freaking too busy watching movies, reading comic books and chasing girls to pay attention to anything else!

Plus, although I did participate in track during high school (sprints and pole vault, both terribly by the way), I really didn't get into running as a passion until my freshman year in college.

It wasn't later in life that I truly understoond just how amazing athletes like Steve Prefontaine, Jesse Owens, Carl Owens and Bruce Jenner really were.

So, in hindsight, I can see myself not being that interested in the Olympics at all during this particular time in my life.

In any event, I decided to do some research on Zola Budd and the crazy situation that happened at the 1984 Olympics.

Zola Budd was an Olympic track and field runner from Great Britain. Within a period of less than three years, she twice broke the world record in the women's 5000meters. And twice was the women's winner at the World Cross Country Championships.

But the most amazing thing about Budd was that she always trained and raced barefoot. Now that's cool!

Enter United States running sensation Mary Decker.

In 1982, Decker set six world records at distances ranging from the mile to 10 000 meters. The same year, she received the James E. Sullivan Award as the top amateur athlete in the United States. Plus, Sports Illustrated magazine named her Sportsperson of the Year.

In terms of current popularity, I guess Decker could easily be compared to swimmer Michael Phelps as he heads into the 2008 Summer Olympics.

Now, back to the 1984 Olympics.

On the very first loop of the 3000 meter race Decker, who was heavily favored to win a gold medal, collided with the lead runner Budd causing her to stumble and fall onto the infield and unable to continue.

Immediately, the pro-American Los Angeles crowd began to boo Budd, who (noticably shocked and dismayed at what occurred) fell back to a 7th-place finish.

You can check out the entire race below and see for yourself:

(NOTE: the tripping incident happens around the :30 mark)


In the video, you can see the point where Budd's foot and Decker's leg connect. Trying to maintain stride, Budd immediately jerks her foot free, which causes Decker to fall.

In my opinion, it's no harm, no foul. Although this has never happened to me in any road race that I've run, I probably would do the same thing had my foot been caught on someone behind me.

After the race, Budd was disqualified. An hour later, the disqualification was reversed when the jury had seen that she had not purposely done anything to stop Decker.

According to track and field rules, it is the trailing athlete's responsibility to avoid contact with the runner ahead. However, what was being disputed was whether or not Budd had sufficient control of the race to have pulled into the curve.

A Sports Illustrated article that I found on Wikipedia.org describes the moment of impact to perfection:

Decker sensed Budd drifting to the inside. "She tried to cut in without being, basically, ahead," Decker would say. But Decker didn't do what a seasoned middle-distance runner would have done. She didn't reach out to Budd's shoulder to let her know she was there, too close behind for Budd to move to the pole. Instead, Decker shortened her stride for a couple of steps. There was contact. Decker's right thigh grazed Budd's left foot. Budd took five more strides, slightly off balance. Trying to regain control, she swayed in slightly to the left. Decker's right foot struck Budd's left calf, low, just above the Achilles tendon. Budd's left leg shot out, and she was near falling. But Decker was falling, tripped by that leg all askew. "To keep from pushing her, I fell," she would say. She reached out after Budd, inadvertently tearing the number from her back and went headlong across the rail onto the infield.

Although many track experts doubt whether she would have beaten eventual winner Maricica Puica of Romania, Decker later went on record to say that she was unfairly robbed of the 3000 meter gold medal by Budd.

Well, there you go. You learn something new everyday.

Oh, yeah, and here's the clip from Cashback referencing Zola Budd:


Very good movie by the way, which has absolutely nothing to do with track and field.