Mike Tyson Punch-Out!! Eimer World Records.

Waaay back in the Mid-80's, there was no such thing as PlayStation. Nintendo was king.

Waaay back in the Mid-80's, mix-martial arts was non-existent. Boxing was the bloodsport of choice. 

Waaay back in the Mid-80's Mike Tyson, the actor, was underheard of. Mike Tyson, the heavyweight boxer, was feared!

Waaay back in the Mid-80's Gears of War was something in a Sylvester Stallone movie. Mike Tyson's PunchOut!! was the most badass game of it's time.

Waaay back in the Mid-80's, I was a geeky eigth-grader with no life, no girlfriend and no easy way to access online porn via the World Wide Web, since it wasn't invented yet. What's an angry 13-year old to do?

Well, this angry 13-year old donated 100% of his energy to mastering video games. You know, the classics like Castlevania, Mega Man (the first one!), Super Mario 1 and 2, Legend of Zelda and, of course, Mike Tyson's Punch Out!! (two exclamation points!)

Remember the box of goodies I talked about a while ago?

Well, I went digging into that box last night and came out with another young Eimer gem:

It's all of my world records from Mike Tyson's Punchout!! Nice list by the way. I was looking online and couldn't seem to find any other gamer's records. So I'll accept these as the current world records.

As you see, in the beginning I beat Tyson by decision. However, I finally TKO'd Tyson with 16 seconds left in the third round. Not sure you can defeat Tyson by knock out. But I came close.

On a related note, the wikipedia entry for Tyson's Punch-Out!! stated there was a sequel in the works where Mike Tyson travels into space to take on extra terrestrials. Production was stalled because of Tyson's rape conviction. Damn you Mike Tyson's penis! Damn you!

This is just one of many, many more hidden treasures lurking in my box of young Eimer goodies.

Who knows what's going to pop up next?

One-Sentence Movie Reviews - Spring Break Edition

Haven't written my one-sentence movie reviews in quite some time. Thought I'd stretch my creative muscles, fire up the old engine and take you on an (almost) Spring Break cruise of some currently viewed films.


INSIDE JOB - 5 stars
Wow, thanks to these assholes, I now know where half of my 401k went!

DUE DATE - 2 stars
It’s PLANES TRAINS & AUTOMOBILES for the new generation...minus the humor.

127 HOURS - 5 stars
I’ve never had so much fun anticipating a guy cutting off his own arm.

LOVE AND OTHER DRUGS - 2 stars
You’ll want to take some other drugs after you’ve watched this cliché romantic dreck.

BEST WORST MOVIE - 3 stars
A documentary about the worst movie ever made, TROLL 2, which turned into the best movie ever made, according to bunch of film geeks trying to recreate ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW.

CYRUS - 4 stars
Jonah Hill, as the son, and John C. Reilly, as the boyfriend, successfully go head-to-head for the affection of Marisa Tomei.

PLEASE GIVE - 3 stars
Who knew a movie about a Manhattan family waiting patiently for an old lady next door to die because they want to renovate their home could be so heartfelt and entertaining?

GET LOW - 3 stars
I thought I was showing up for a comedy about a guy who wants to throw a funeral for himself before he dies, but instead I watched a drama.

LAST TRAIN HOME - 3 stars
Heck, my commute to Cleveland is a breeze compared to watching this documentary about Chinese migrant workers who travel from the big city to see their family only once a year.

RED HILL - 3 stars
This is a meh aussie revenge tale, with a predictable twist ending.

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 2 - 2 stars
Watching this movie made me nostalgic for the suckiness of the first one.

LET ME IN - 4 stars
It’s an almost shot-for-shot remake of the foreign movie LET THE RIGHT ONE IN, but made for pussy Americans who hate to read subtitles.

DOGTOOTH - 4 stars
This creepy foreign Academy Award-nominated film is what M. Knight Shamalyan’s THE VILLAGE had the potential to be.

ENTER THE VOID - 4 stars
Like running a visual marathon with your eyes, this movie is a bit more upbeat than Noe’s rape revenge tale IRREVERSIBLE, but not much.

BLACK SWAN - 5 stars
This horror movie makes me want to partake in the sadistic, twisted world of ballet, and also bang Natalie Portman!

EXIT THROUGH THE GIFT SHOP - 3 stars
This Banksy-directed film is half-documentary (the first half) and half-SPINAL TAP (the last half), but not too shabby all-around.

PIRAHNA 3D - 3 stars
If you’re a fan of gore, half-eaten genitalia and killer Pirahnas, this movie is perfect for you.

PREDATORS - 3 stars
Exceeded expectations especially since I was expecting to watch a big shit sandwich with my eyes.

EASY A - 3 stars
This film wanted to be an 80’s romantic teen comedy so bad, and it almost succeeded.

FLIPPED - 3 stars
Another great Rob Reiner film about growing up in the 50’s - that is a tiny bit happier than STAND BY ME.

SOCIAL NETWORK - 5 stars
With films like SE7EN, ZODIAC, FIGHT CLUB and this, I’m convinced David Fincher has the Midas touch when it comes to filmmaking.

Well, there you have it. Be on the lookout for some fresh, new one-sentence movie reviews in late Spring! Maybe sooner.

To quench your thirst, you can view older Eimer Debris One-Sentence Movie Reviews right here.

Anatomy of an Eimertoon...Team Chaos

Soooo, about two months ago, my brother gave me a ring and asked me to create a t-shirt design for his team at his place of work.

His team (dubbed Team Chaos), works at a warehouse for a major food chain where they load and unload product onto four-wheelers to be shipped to stores around the world.

As it turns out, there are a lot of accidents in his line of work. He runs a forklift and the pace, so I'm told, is extremely fast. Think ants working in a ant hill, but replace the ants with humans and the hill with a warehouse.

As it also turns out, going 180 days without an accident is a big thing.

Being a senior copywriter in Northeast Ohio, the most dangerous thing I come in contact with is strugging with the perfect 'actionable' word to complement the product I'm trying to sell. There have been a couple scaldings at the Water Cooler, which - at times - is set on hot.

Ahh, the life of The Deadliest Copywriter.

But I digress. To celebrate Team Chaos's success, the team decided to forgo a great meal at a local food chain and, instead, get t-shirts made.

Which is where I came in.

As I sat down to talk to my brother about the t-shirt design, I thought about the name Team Chaos. Having just watched 'How to Train Your Dragon, I was very eager to draw a Viking in some sort of cartoon. Then I started thinking about Vikings. Then Braveheart. Then I pictured a group of Road Warriors running full speed towards the viewer.

I told my brother my idea and he loved it.

"Sounds great," he said. "But you have to make sure to include the forklifts somehow."

It all came together in my head. I quickly sat down and sketched the following drawings:

"Awesome," my brother said. "But..."

"But what?" I interjected, expected the worst.

"No, no, no, I like it. Don't get me wrong," he said. "But you have to be sure to have a mixed crowd."

"Mixed crowd?" I asked.

"You know," my brother said. "We have women and not just white dudes."

Point taken. Make it a little more diverse.

"Another thing," he said. "Can you have them throwing like toilet paper, 2-liter bottles of soda, potato chips and jars of pickles in the air...."

"Like grenades." I said.

"Exactly like grenades," he concurred.

Lo, and behold, my brother was taking on the role of Creative Director.

"Done," I said.

The next day I sketched out the more intricate drawing you see below:

After getting my brother's thumbs up, I filled in the details and added the Team Chaos name (the font is called Top Secret which was pulled from the kick-ass website DaFont.com) and 'Voila!', you have a t-shirt design...

Usually, this is how I approach most of my traditional cartoons for the web including my Christmas Eimertoons.

The cool thing is I haven't created a t-shirt design in some time, so this was a lot of fun.

Thanks for thinking of me, bro!

Also, my viking guy made it into the design, which was even more worth the blood, sweat and tears.