I noticed a Golden Corral at the Fairlawn exit on Route 18. "Wanna eat there?" I asked as I pointed to the sign.
She was silent and gave me a terse look. "No fucking way!"
"Really?" I said. "You sound pissed?"
As she stared out the window, she grimaced. "I fucking hate buffets."
You know what? After thinking about it. My girlfriend’s right. Buffet's fucking suck!
On a personal level, when I go to a buffet I always think I’m not getting my money’s worth if I only eat one plate full of slop. So, I force myself to go back and eat at least one more plate, if not more. Then, of course, you have to go to the sundae bar. By the time you get out, your belly is tight, you feel like shit from all the crappy food and you just want to go lie down – or shoot yourself in the face.
TRUE STORY: My buddy told me this story about a fat guy at Golden Corral buffet. He said he noticed this extremely overweight guy loading up on the special – Salisbury Steak. He had, like, ten of them on his plate. "Now," my buddy starts with a look of disgust. "This guy starts walking back to his table, which is only 8 feet away max. He pulls one of the slabs of beef up by his index finger and thumb and manages to insert into his mouth like a dolphin eating a fish at Sea World."
If you want to glamorize gluttony – or are just looking for a freakshow, go to a buffet. It’s freaking hilarious – or sad. I’m still not sure.
Then I got to thinking. You know how kids go to summer camp or parent’s buy their kid’s season passes to the pool or to the ski slope? Well, Golden Corral – or any buffet for that matter - should sell season passes to their buffet. That way you can go to the buffet whenever you want and eat. And eat. And eat.
And, much like summer camp, they should have different eating events. You know that Japanese guy that can eat all those hot dogs? Bring him in as a guest speaker to talk to the kids – via an interpreter – about what a great career you can have from eating.
They’ll have Sundae-eating contests on Sunday. An all you can eat Meat Buffet competition on Monday. And a FIND-THE-VEGETABLE-IN-THE-BEEF-GRAVY contest on Tuesday. You could also invite eating teams from other buffets around the area and have an eating competition.
I mean, the possibilities are like a Golden Corral buffet...literally endless!
In the summertime, parent’s can drop their kids off at the buffet and come pick them up after work. It’s like the buffet can be your personal nanny.
What do you guys think? I’m all ears…oops I mean stomach.