Snowman Eimertoon

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Happy Politically Correct Holiday Eimertoon

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The Booger Fairy

Ahhhh, Winter.

The air is wet. The ground is sloppy. It’s also the perfect time of the year for copious amounts of boogers to grow in your nostrils.

Yes people, it's BOOGER SEASON.

Armed with my handy index finger, every single day I battle this nasty little vermin living in my nose.

I pick. I pick. I pick. And I pick some more. But those little buggers (Oops I mean boogers) just keep growing back, again, again and again. It’s like some sort of crazy dandelion weed in my nose. Only browner.

On a related note, you know when you pick your nose when you're driving and you wipe it on the car seat? I'm really curious where all of those boogers go? I mean, they always seem to disappear.

I have a theory and it has something to do with the BOOGER FAIRY.

Every night, the same exact thing happens. You brush your teeth. Take a pee. Maybe rub one out. Then blow your nose. You clean out the nostril pipes, so to speak. Then you drift into slumberland.

Eight hours later, you awake to find your nose plugged up with boogs. WTF?

Well, my friend, you just got visited by the BOOGER FAIRY.

Consider her (it?) sort of a reverse tooth fairy. Instead of taking your teeth and leaving you money, the BOOGER FAIRY comes through the cracks of the sewer pipes and inserts boogers into your nose. Every. Single. Freaking. Night.

You know when you wake up and sneeze at night? Yep. You just missed the BOOGER FAIRY.

Now, I can already hear the naysayers coming out of the woodwork. "But, Eimer, don’t you think there’s a more scientific-based explanation why boogers form in your nose then the BOOGER FAIRY?"

Fuck You I say. Just like Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster and little gray men, the Booger Fairy is real.

To be honest, I really don’t care what you think...


Sooooo...what do you think?

Super-sizing Osama Bin Laden

I haven't really talked about the War On Terror too much. I figure you can probably go to a terror-specific web site in order to get all the information you need to form a balanced opinion.

Plus, I'm not that smart.

However, when it comes to films about the war, I can talk your freakin' head off.

I've seen a handful of documentaries on the subject including Fahrenheit 911, Brokedown Palace, 911: In Plane Site, Control Room and Alive Day Memories: Home from Iraq (the HBO documentary produced by Tony Soprano) among others.

However, this new documentary by Morgan Spurlock (Super Size Me) has me intrigued. It's called Where In The World Is Osama Bin Laden.

And, here's the kicker...
Spurlock may have had a sit-down interview with Osama Bin Laden.

Color me intrigued.

I mean, your eyes (and ears) have to perk up a little bit when the film's director of photography says "We've definitely got the Holy Grail."

Like the Aint-It-Cool article said, this could be a big marketing push just to sell the movie. But, if this turns out to be true, then this film (to be released in Spring 2008) will be the biggest FUCK YOU to our current Republican administration.

And, if the documentary turns out to be all it's hyped up to be, then the name Morgan Spurlock will be a household name by the end of next year. Mark my words.

In a sense, why would the current government want to kill the man who is the No. 1 poster boy for terrorism in the United States? Why not keep him alive and keep the American suburbanites in fear? That way, they can pass further fear laws stripping us of our constitutional rights. All the while giving American idiots the false sense of security they constantly crave.

See there. Now I just realized why I don't write about the war and the current President. It's not funny. In fact, it's kind of pathetic.

That's it. I'm renting Fight Club and V for Vendetta tonight to get riled up.

Now who's with me?

Click here to read the Aint-It-Cool-News article.

Click here for Morgan Spurlock's blog.

The First Rule of SANTA FIGHT CLUB.

Don't talk about
SANTA FIGHT CLUB!!!

So, How Many Movies Have You Seen?

A couple of months ago, I took the plunge and signed up for Netflix.

Basically, you pay a monthly fee (In my case $16.99 per month). You pick the movies you want (In my case, I opted for the three out at a time package). And voila! Your movies are in the mail and in your DVD player in a day or two.

...awesome...

Going by Blockbuster Video prices (of $4.50 per movie), if I'm on the three-movie Netflix plan and I view four DVDs per month, I've more than made my money back. And that's not even counting the free postage.

For example, this past month I've viewed six DVDs. So, right now, I'm $10 ahead. By Vegas standards that's pretty good.

During summer, however, I'm sure my viewing habits will change. That's fine, I'll just change my plan to one movie out at a time, which will cut down my fee to about $6.99 per month.

Like I said, it's brilliant.

ANYHOW...One of the perks of being a Netflix member is the fact that you can A.) write reviews and B.) rate all of the movies you've seen on five-star basis.

When work is slow (which it has been this past month), I find myself on the site rating movies that I've viewed. If need be, I'll also write a brief review.

It's almost turning into an obsessive-complulsive disorder. Whenever I have any free time, I find myself on the site searching my memory banks for distant movies. In fact, it's been so insane that I probably have the following conversations with myself on a daily basis....

"Oh yeah, remember when I was eight and I went to see The Cat from Outer Space and The Apple Dumbling Gang at the drive-in? Better go to Netflix and rate 'em"

or

"Hey, I remember Meatballs 3 with Patrick Dempsey. I saw that twice at the theater! Time to go to Netflix and rate it."

Not bragging or anything, but as it turns out, I've rated about 2,942 DVDs. I'm 35-years-old. So that equates to about 84 DVDs per year since birth. And 7 DVDs per month since birth.

And I'm being honest here. I haven't seen classics like Gone With The Wind or Singin' in the Rain. Sure, I've seen snippets of the movies (who hasn't), but I haven't actually sat down and watched them. Thus, I haven't rated them.

And since Netflix doesn't sell pornos, they aren't on the list either (Although I guess that would up the ante by only 100 or so. I prefer the internet and magazines, you perverts.)

It's funny because when you rate that many movies on Netflix, they sort of have these lame recommendations for you such as old Mickey Mouse collections (Steamboat Willy?), Three Stooges collections and My Little Pony TV series stuff. I also received a recommendation for the silent movie Battleship Potemkin by Sergei Eisenstein (Seen it. Rated it.).

It's a sad day when you've only been a member for a couple months and your Netflix recommendation cache has already run dry.

Like I said. Some people will think my DVD total is pretty impressive. Some will think I need to get a life. Personally, I'm shocked. However, after I clicked on RottenTomatoes.com a couple days ago, I didn''t feel like such a geek.

I came across this entry about a film critic who has been keeping tabs on his movie viewing habits since he was 12-years-old. Turns out he's seen more than 7,000.

I wonder if he's counting pornos as well?

Monday (Semi) Sports Rant

BUCKEYES BABY
Wow. After Illinois defeated the Buckeyes at home. I thought to myself, "Oh well, we'll beat Michigan and go on to the Rose Bowl." I was content to watch the Buckeyes shut up all the naysayers and plant a foot up USC's ass this year. Plus, it was a New Year's bowl game, which I prefer instead of waiting until Monday, January 7. On the flip side, I think it's great the Buckeyes are - once again - playing for a National Championship. I can't believe Missouri and WVU lost on Saturday. I've never used the 'LAST' button on my remote control more than flipping between those two games. That said, I watched a couple interviews with LSU Head Coach Les Miles after last night's announcement. Don't know about you, but the guy seems a bit cocky to me. Sort of reminds me of Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis before he got his ass handed to him 34-20 in the Fiesta Bowl a couple years back. Here's what I think. Ohio State will kick Les's ass at LSU. Then, when he takes the coaching job at Michigan next year, the Bucks will kick Les's ass again at Ohio Stadium. Keep talking Les. Keep talking.

BCS, CONTINUED.
Does Ohio State deserve to be in the Championship game? Probably. However, I do think there's another team that deserves the right even before the Bucks and that's Hawaii. How is it possible to go undefeated in your regular season and not play in the national championship? Must be hard, because no other team in the Division I rankings has done it this year except Hawaii. "Strength of schedule, dude!" Yeah. Yeah. Whatever. If you go by that defense, then, with the exception of playing Penn State, Purdue and Michigan, Ohio State has no right in the championship game either. And I'm not even counting the loss to Illinois, who were unranked at the time. (Just being honest, here). If we're not going to mimic Division II and III and have a playoff system (which seems to work well in those divisions) I say we just go back to the old bowl way and let all the good college team play on New Year's Day. I used to love that shit. What better way to judge the year's best teams than watching them all the same day? Then - like the Heisman trophy is decided - let the polls, coaches and sportswriters decide. Seems like it would work better than the current BCS system.

R.I.P. EVEL KNIEVEL
Everyone has their favorite Evel moment. For my brother and I, it was when he jumped the pool of sharks. After we watched that show, I remember going outside, building bike ramps with plywood and bricks and jumping various things, even each other. There were many movies, people and television shows that fed our hopes and dreams of being professional stuntmen. Evel Knievel stood high atop the list. The man was an inspiration for an entire generation of wannabe backyard daredevils. He'll be missed, but his legacy will live on at many state and county fairs around the country.

THE PATRIOTS, NFL AND FF.
Well, I finished 12th out of 13th in my Fantasy Football league. I'm just not cut out for this stuff. I went online and checked out various FF tips and tactics. Nothing has worked. One guy on our team has every Patriots player imaginable. He lost one game, which coincidentally, was the Patriots bye week. FAG. In any event, I think it would be really, really funny if A.) The Jets beat the Patriots in the final game of the season. B.) The Patriots lose in the Superbowl. Ha. Ha. Look, I said in a previous entry that it was fun watching the Pats kick everyone's ass. Now I'm not so sure. Seems like everyone is on the bandwagon. Hell, I've seen fresh Patriots bumper stickers on cars across Northeast Ohio. I saw about 10 or 15 people wearing Patriots jerseys at the mall yesterday. Before you ask, yes I went to the mall yesterday (I took my daughter to see Santa). But it was in Cleveland!! What happened to city pride mother fuckers. If you ask me, this whole thing is getting sort of lame. I'm going a complete 180 on this. I think it's time for the Patriots to lose.

DOES ANYBODY CARE ABOUT THE NBA?
Look, right now, I could care less about the NBA. Even the Cleveland Cavaliers. I think the NBA season is too long. Seriously, nobody starts to care about NBA basketball until after the fourth quarter of the Superbowl in February. Here's my idea. Tip off the season in January and play three games a week until the end of March. Then, have a playoff that lasts until the end of April. That's it. Period. Season over.

THE WIRE
The Wire is, by far, one of the best dramatic television series I've seen. Ever. It's well written. Well directed. And well acted. I shit you not, the acting is top notch. Even better than Six Feet Under, The Sopranos , NYPD Blue and M*A*S*H combined. If you've never seen an episode, I suggest you rent Season 1 and go from there. The series takes place in Baltimore. It covers the corruption, the drug trade, the dockworkers, the schools and the cops that are trying to fight crime in this decaying city. Good stuff. I'm surprised this series hasn't been nominated for any Emmys. I guess mainstream America can't handle the content. Bunch a pussies!

GARGOYLES
I work in downtown Cleveland. After watching the movie Transformers, I find myself glancing up in the sky and watching for debris - in particular cement gargoyles - falling from the buildings due to the Autobots and Decepticons battling for supremacy in the city.

I HATE CHRISTMAS
Well, I really don't hate Christmas, per se. I like the lights. I like the Christmas Tree part of it. I like the songs. I like the cartoons. Come to think of it, I guess I like Christmas. I just hate the buying. The pressure to buy a gift for a loved one is out of this world. And in the end, you're basically just exchanging gift cards for the same price. That's why, this year, I told my family I'm not getting them anything. And I told my fiance I'm not getting her anything, either (Yeah, that's right mother fucker!). In fact, the only people we're buying for this year are A.) Our kids and B.) Nieces and nephews. I think it should be a law that, during Christmas, the only people you should buy for are kids 18-and-under. Period.

Come to think of it, I do hate Christmas.