Eimer's Worst Movies Viewed in 2012

I have many mottos that I live by. And, when it comes to film, my motto is: "Life is too short to watch shitty movies."

As a general rule, I try to stay away from bad movies. I follow RottenTomatoes.com, read critical reviews, visit movie geek websites and, sometimes, go by my gut. Could I possibly be missing a diamond in the rough, sure? But who cares?

Yet, even after all the checks and balances, the stinky shit of bad film still seems to seep into my eyes. That said, here are my Top Televen worst viewings of 2012 (including DVD, Cable and the Theater)...

THE HANGOVER PART 2 (2011)

I saw this movie on New Year’s Day 2012, last year, so I guess it counts as 2012, right? Wow, was this movie sucked. It seemed like Todd Phillips pulled all the actors in a room and said "Look guys, we're going to do it all over again. I wrote this script last night, so let's go out and make a boatload of money - but this time we'll do it in Thailand. Now who's with me!??" Replace Las Vegas with Bangkok. Replace the missing tooth with a face tattoo. Replace the baby with a monkey. Replace the tiger with Mr. Chow. Replace a female hooker with a male hooker. Add a touch of Mike Tyson...and, voila, you've got yourself a crappy sequel. Just a terrible movie all around. I felt I was robbed. Oh yeah, and they also do another photo montage at the end credits, which is - probably - the best part of the whole film. Matter of fact, save us viewers the time of sitting through another sequel and do a photo montage of another Hangover movie. Blech.

KILL LIST (2011)
This is a movie that starts off okay, gets a little better (and bloodier) then ends with you scratching your head. I thought about it all through the night. It's bit of a creepy movie, but you have to get through the original 30 minutes of the main couple screaming and yelling at each other. It's reminds me of a modern day WICKER MAN. It's almost ambiguous to the point that the 'amibiguousness' is, well, annoying. I'm all for ambiguity, but this movie falls in the 'too much' category. Very creepy chase scenes at the end. Which begs the questions, are these people human, demons or from another demension? Like I said, if you watch it, you'll understand what I'm talking about. You may not understand the movie though. Not sure I can 100% recommend this, though. I know I wouldn't watch it again.

EXTRATERRESTRIAL (2012)

Meh, very underwhelming follow-up to fantastic time-travel movie TIMECRIMES from Nacho Vigalondo. Truth be told, I was expecting much, much more than what I viewed on screen. Yes, I agree he was probably working on a limited budget. But, the overall story just didn't do it for me. You have a four-mile long spaceship arriving over your city and nobody freaks out? These people just sit around and talk, fuck and basically do nothing for the whole movie. Very disappointing. Being from the United States, maybe there was a cultural road block that I missed because, after reading all of the rave reviews, maybe I missed something? However, I can't recommend this to my friends, Netlix viewers or anyone in general.

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 3 (2011)

Really? People giving this movie three or four stars? Total bullshit. I can see the two directors (yes two directors) and writing team sitting in an office and hashing out this idea. "Dude, I got it," one of the writer's exclaims. "Well combine ghosts with the occult." The whole room jumps to their feet,  high-fives all around. "Awesome," they say in their best Bill and Ted impression. I think, just like the SAW series, this idea has run its course. Unless, of course, you just make a straight commercial film. None of this putting-up-video-camera bullshit. Plus, when you start mixing genres, it's a bad sign that you've run out of ideas and are trying to mix stuff up in a blender and see what color it turns. Okay, the one cool part was 'the ghost with the sheet and the fan camera' shot. But, that's it. Not worth the rental or the 81 minutes. Re-rent the original PARANORMAL ACTIVITY and bask in its greatness. This one is a flat turd.

THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN (2012)

Man, I was so bored. Maybe I'm suffering from Super-hero fatigue maybe it's the fact that this franchise just ended a couple years ago (save the third one) from Sam Raimi. Maybe it was the fact that I know that Sony shit this movie out really fast in order to retain the rights to the character. All in all, very disappointing. I kept thinking over and over “Didn’t I already see this movie?” Sure, the special effects were fine. I also think Andrew Garfield fits the geeky, lanky Spider-Man from the comic books to a tee. But, this movie just felt very flat to me. Direction, acting, special effects, everything simply had this gloss of an important movie, but it didn't really sparkle for me. That said, my kids enjoyed it. They're 5 and 6, which should tell you something about the overall 'content'. Don't expect to be 'wowed'.

HOP (2011)

Animation was top notch, but they should have kept the whole movie animated. As soon as I saw the live action, I groaned. It just fell flat for me. Look, I get the whole idea...a kid doesn't want to follow in his father's footsteps so he runs away from home and learns a valuable lesson in the process. Although the Easter Bunny idea was a bit new, the whole script was formulaic and followed the same techniques and standards guaranteed to make your kids squeal with delight. But don't be fooled. This is a turd in sheep's clothing. You've been warned. Acting sucks too.

A LONELY PLACE TO DIE (2011)

After reading mostly positive feedback in a wide array of geek circles on the web, I was really looking forward to seeing this movie. However, I would just give this movie three stars for predictability. It's DELIVERANCE mixed with DESCENT (minus the creatures) mixed with RANSOM. Right from the beginning, I was taken in by the fantastic cinematography and exciting action sequences. The lead up to finding the Serbian girl was also very interesting. The directors and writers kept you on your toes for a little bit (I said 'a little bit'), but then - about 1/3 through - the entire movie fell flat for me. The ending was a bit forced and a little unpredictable (only two police in a town celebrating a huge festival?). I don't know, maybe I was expecting more after reading all of the positive reviews. That said, I will be keeping my eye on Julian Gelby's future work as well as the cinematographer Ali Asad.

THE CHILDREN (2008)

Dumb. Stupid. Idiotic. If your idea of fun is watching a movie with kids screaming, adults screaming, teenagers screaming in a somewhat of a VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED remake with snow, then by all means check this movie out. The screams were so annoying I had to fast forward through the entire film. Don't worry, you don't need the dialogue to even understand what's going on...nor will you care.

JOHN CARTER (2012)

Very forgettable film, which is a pity. Yes, it's choppy. Yes, the acting is a bit cardboard. Yes, there are many different plot points. And yes, this is a little bit of a dud from Director Andrew Stanton - in his first live-action film (FINDING NEMO, WALL-E). However, you have to give props to the grand ideas and majestic creativity of the film. Also have to give a thumbs-up to the impressive CGI work as well (from Lucasfilm no less). That said, this movie felt like a mix between FLASH GORDON campiness and STAR WARS seriousness, but just couldn't find its own voice in the end. I read THE PRINCESS OF MARS (the first book in the John Carter trilogy) so, going in, I understood what was going on. However, if you're new to the character and the series, I could understand people being totally lost. Too much to consume in a two-hour time period. It's a die hard fanboy (Stanton) creating a movie for the other 40-something fanboys out there without thinking about the other audience members in the theater. That said, the ending sets up a sequel (a planned trilogy from Stanton), which I'm pretty sure isn't going to happen due to the weak box-office results. Let's hope FINDING NEMO 2 (Stanton's next outing) is a bit better than this.

CHRONICLE (2012)

Basically, it's the movie and graphic novel AKIRA in wolf's clothing. Look, great special effects and all that jazz. Acting was fine. Not great. All in all, I'm just getting tired of these 'found-footage' films. I'm sorry, but after watching PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 2 and 3, PROJECT X, CLOVERFIELD and THE LAST EXORCISM, my suspension of disbelief for these movies is running a bit thin. I'm just not believing these people are going to carry around a video camera all the time recording everything that goes on. It made 100% sense in THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT and the first PARANORMAL ACTIVITY, but these other films? Not so much. Which begs the point, why make CHRONICLE a 'found-footage' film in the first place. Throughout the movie they use different 'video' footage to tell the story. Not simply from the three main characters cameras. So, how about this, why not do it at all? I think this movie could have rolled in the four-star territory had they not filmed it this way. Sigh. 

SHARK NIGHT (2011)

Holy shit, this fucking sucked ass. Look, I'm a fan of below-average horror, underwater fare like LAKE PLACID, PIRAHNA 3D, DEEP BLUE SEA and ANACONDA. But this movie was just a terrible waste of time - not only for me, but for society as a whole. Shame on the producers that gave this movie a green light. Makes no sense whatsoever. Three rednecks with the engineering chops to not only capture all kinds of different species of sharks (must have an unlimited budget), but the capabilities to toss a video camera on each one of said sharks (Bulls, Hammerheads, etc.) - and all because they want to get revenge on some college girl. Also, how did they manage to capture a Great White Shark and keep it alive (in a rusted cage) when even the top marine biologists in the world cannot achieve this feat? C'mon! I could make up something better than this piece of crap. Terrible movie all around. Don't waste your money - or more importantly your 91 minutes - on this rancid piece of chum. Next!

THE INNKEEPERS (2011)

Meh. I guess I was expecting too much from this horror flick from Ti West (THE HOUSE OF THE DEVIL)...like a plot. Hey, I'm all for ambiguous endings, but an ambiguous film? Very lame. Acting was okay. But the entire plot wasn't flushed out at all. What's up with the ghost? How about the old man, why did he return? Plus you have Kelly McGillis and you do absolutely nothing with her. And what about the owner (he's on vacation during the last weekend in business?) So much potential out of this movie, but this is a terrible, terrible flat turd in the end. So disappointing. Do not watch. For a creepy movie about a haunted house, rent THE ORPHANAGE instead. Much better than this dumb flick.

THE DEAD (2010)

Look, I was raised on Romero. I basked in the greatness of Evil Dead. I like a great zombie film as much as the next guy. However, I did not like this movie at all. Slow, boring, dull. And this is supposed to be a zombie movie? I'm all for low-budget films and try to support up-and-coming filmmakers as much as possible, but man, this movie sucked. After growing up on zombie films and watching the above par series THE WALKING DEAD, as a zombie film fan, I'm expecting something more, something different and something exciting from this new generation of filmmakers. Be creative! That's about it.

Well, there you have it. What about you? What were some of the worst movies you saw in 2012?

Best Movies...tomorrow, Best Books...the following day. 

LOOKING FOR MORE SHITTY MOVIES?

• Eimer's Worst of 2011
• Eimer's Worst of 2010