Friday, February 17, 2012

Stories from Ghetto Kroger #9: The Book of Crazies

As I've discussed in past Stories from Ghetto Kroger...I came across a wide assortment of crazy people during my tenure as a bagger and a meat department clerk in, quite possibly, the worst Kroger in Columbus, Ohio (at the time).

Some people were, undeniably, insane. Others were simply by-products of tough times in the hood.

Crackheads, bums, poor, rich (not really), old, young, pretty, ugly big-headed, little-headed, white, black, yellow, racist, non-racist and everything in between...on any given day I had the opportunity to view the entire spectrum of humanity during my tour of duty at the Ghetto Kroger.

So, it was no surprise that I decided to highlight some of the most colorful people in my early bagging experiment: The Book of Crazies, which I found lying at the bottom of my collection of crap that I keep downstairs in my basement.

So without further adieu, I'd like to share the list from beginning to end (with no editing):
  1. The guy with the shopping cart with the flag strapped on it.
  2. The guy who clicks when he walks.
  3. The woman with the purple tobaggon (i.e. winter cap) and neon green jacket that wandered around the parking lot for 8 hours non stop.
  4. The crazy guy with big bags under his eyes who criticizes all of the cops and says 'I didn't do nothing' over and over again.
  5. The guy with the humungous head. MASK disease.
  6. The man who was talking about his penis and prostrate for two hours.
  7. Blind guy who couldn't find his way out of the store. Blind in one eye. Half blind in the other.
  8. Crazy guy with headphones who jigs and dances at the bus stop.
  9. Lady that talks to herself, wears a neon miniskirt, buys weird rings from the kid's vending machines and then proceeds to show everyone her 'pretty' rings.
  10. The bum who told me he witnessed multiple rapes and then said 'Every once in a while, I'm not ashamed to say that I use goldilocks and her four little friends for a good time. 
  11. The old man who showed me the sack on his leg filled with piss that drained from his kidney.
  12. The black guy who wears cut-off football pants, every day, even in the middle of winter.
  13. Maniac-looking guy who has pieces of his hair missing and stares at guy's asses as they walk into the store.
  14. The 12-year old kid with the headphones and glassess who walks around the store in a counter-clockwise direction.
  15. The guy with the Michigan jacket who makes the dog noises. 
I wish I could say that I remember all of this crazies. But, alas, I have forgotten most of these colorful characters. However, I have talked about Big-head and the bum in previous Ghetto Kroger Stories (links above and below)

That said, if I had a time machine, I would go back to Ghetto Kroger and tell College Brad to keep up with this interesting book a little longer. Because, I'm 100% sure that I came into contact with a lot more crazies then the 15 highlighted in this book - and that includes some of my co-workers.

However, I probably just lost interest in my little experiment, what with all the studying, banging of chicks and drinking of booze. (I kid!)

Well, that's it for now. Next story will be my first day on the job in the meat department. Stay tuned.

Other Stories from Ghetto Kroger:
Story #1: Intro
Story #2: Magic
Story #3: Big Head
Story #4: Goldilocks
Story #5: Jonas
Story #6: The Restroom
Story #7: Cowboy
Story #8: Lucky Strikes

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