Stories from Kroger #3: Big Head

I've witnessed many crazy moments at Ghetto Kroger. But one of the craziest had to do with a movie starring Cher.

So there I was a month and a half into my bagging duties at Ghetto Kroger. Getting my groove down. Macking with the ladies. Making some money. I even made some pretty good friends at the store.

When bagging groceries, I would sometimes imagine I was in the Super Bowl of Bagging. I would time myself to see how fast and accurate I could bag groceries. I even pitted my time against other baggers.

Hey, it passed the time.

One Saturday morning, I was bagging like a mad hatter and soaking up the views in the process. Many cute little sorority ladies would walk through my line donned in scantily clad Scarlet and Gray apparel purchasing alcohol, pretzels, hot dogs and whatever else you buy for an Ohio State football game.

My early morning shift was going a-ok. The sights were especially good. And, with my shift ending right before kick-off, it was turning out to be a great day.

I said was.

That's when I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. Walking into Ghetto Kroger was this black dude who had what appeared to be a giant foam head on his shoulders....much like the heads you see in the Mardi Gras parade.

I started to laugh out loud. Giggling, I poked the cashier in front of me on the shoulder and pointed to the guy with the funny Mardi Gras head.

"Check it out," I snirked.

That's when I saw the eyes on the Mardi Gras head blink.

That's when my smile turned into a frown.

That's when the blood drained from my head.

That's when I realized It wasn't a Mardi Gras head, but the dude's actual head!

My jaw had officially dropped.

"Psssst," A cashier stepped up behind me and whispered in my ear. "Stop staring at him."
"But...what?....huh?" I mumbled in total shock. I couldn't stop looking at the enormous head.

Big Head and his posse of five or six guys walked over to the produce section and eventually out of my line of sight.

I pushed my jaw closed and turned around towards the cashier.

"You ever see the movie Mask with Cher?" she asked me.

I nodded.

"Well, that guy has the same disease as the guy from Mask, Rocky Dennis."

"Ohhhhhh," I said. Not really comprehending anything she was saying.

"When he comes through the line, don't look at him too long," she said. "Those guys he hangs out with don't like it when you look at him for too long."
"Okay," I thought to myself. "Don't stare at the guy with the enormous Big Head."

About 20 minutes passed and I was bagging groceries completely unaware of my surroundings. Almost like a fish swirling around in a bowl.

That was until I looked up and saw Big Head waiting in line in my bagging aisle. His mouth opened and a big Jabba the Hutt tongue came out and he licked his lips.

"Don't stare at the guy with the enormous Big Head." "Don't stare at the guy with the enormous Big Head." "Don't stare at the guy with the enormous Big Head." "Don't stare at the guy with the enormous Big Head."

But, I was transfixed. I couldn't stop looking at Big Head.

You know that feeling you got when you watched that documentary about the 16-year old girl with two heads? Well, multiply that by 30. And that's how what I felt right at that exact moment.

My heart was beating. My hands were getting pasty. I felt extremly light-headed. I was going to pass out.

I had to get away from Big Head immediately!

I found myself walking away from my bagging station. I had no control over my body. My legs walked me all the way to the back of the Kroger store right into the restroom. My hands tossed some water on my face. My lungs took a couple of deep breaths.

For a brief second, I wanted to quit, leave the store and drink about a case of beer with my friends. Then go hide in a corner.

Just to be sure he was gone, I walked the entire length of the backroom and took an extremely long drink from the water fountain on the other side of the store.

With my composure maintained, I walked back to my bagging station and, to my relief, Big Head was gone.

"Whew!" I sighed.

"Eimer," the store manager yelled. "We're empty on carts. Go bring some in from outside?"

I nodded and hightailed it outside. But, as the automatic doors flew open, I stopped dead in my tracks. I saw Big Head and his posse in the parking lot slowly walking away from Ghetto Kroger.

A white frat boy on a bike pedaled past Big Head and did what seemed to be a quintuple take. Like a five-year old boy attempting to take his first ride, the frat boy meandered on his bike and struggled to maintain his balance. All the while staring at the giant blinking globe.

Two guys from Big Head's posse started beating their chests and yelling insults at the frat guy. But Big Head didn't turn around.

"What's the matter?" yelled one of the guys. "Ain't you never seen anyone with a big head before?"

I'm going to go out on a limb answer that question for the frat boy.

"No."
EPILOGUE:
People might be wondering if Big Head was a regular mainstay at the Ghetto Kroger.

Sadly, no.

Although my good friend once served him up some fish filets at the Seafood Department on a different day, I only had the surreal opportunity to witness the craziness that was Big Head once. And, to be honest, that was enough.

During my Ghetto Kroger tour of duty, rumors would always swirl around about Big Head. Some said he was living on borrowed time due to his disease. Others say he donated his head to the Ohio State University after he died in exchange for $20,000 a month while he was alive. I also heard that Big Head and his posse would walk around the campus area beating up and robbing shocked observers who would stare at his giant dome. During one particular lunch break, I struck up a conversation with a cashier who lived in the area about Big Head.

"Oh he a playa," she told me. "He's got, like, 20 kids from 10 different women. My cousin is one of them."

Big Head? A playa?

Of all of the rumors I've heard about Big Head, I found that one the hardest to believe.

Other Stories from Ghetto Kroger:
Story #1: Intro
Story #2: Magic

Thoughts on last night's BCS Championship.

Well, although I'll probably be looking for a new OSU hat sometime in the near future despite the loss. For now, the brown OSU hat stays on top of my head as a reminder of the past two BCS championship games.

Here are a couple thoughts concerning the Bucks 38-24 Bashing in the Bayou (in glorious copywriter bullet points, of course):

• As soon as Wells ran back the first touchdown to go up 7-0, my first response was "Uh, oh. I've got a bad feeling about this." I kid you not.


• As soon as the score was 10-0, everyone at The Winking Lizard in Peninsula started laughing and having a good ol' time like the Buckeyes already won the championship. I remember looking around thinking "What is wrong with you people?"


• 83 penalty yards for Ohio State including a roughing the punter penalty for a first down. Yikes.


• What's up with the defense? Why can't they wrap up and tackle opponents?


• 31 unanswered points? Can someone explain how that happens against the nation's No. 1 defense?


• LSU's secondary looked awesome. LSU's defense looked awesome.


• On offense, whenever the Tiger's were looking at third and long, I thought to myself, "They're going to get a first down." And they did. Every. Single. Time.


• Why is it as soon as Ohio State is behind one touchdown, it seems like the entire Buckeyes game plan gets thrown out the window?


• Where's Ricky Dudley when you need him? LSU tight-end Richard Dickson caught two TD passes. What's up with that?


• Just like last year, I can't believe I actually watched the whole freaking game waiting, hoping, thinking the Bucks were going to turn it around. Blech.


• I think Ohio State needs to shelve Youngstown State and Kent State and schedule at least two very big non-conference games a year to prepare for a possible conference title and championship run. If they don't win the two biggies, then at least they'll know they're not good enough to make it to the big game.


• I wonder what the Rose Bowl against USC would've been like?


• I wonder if West Virginia would have done the same thing to us had they beat Pittsburgh?
  
  To add insult to injury I came across this very unflattering Ohio State commentary by ESPN regular Pat Forde on ESPN.com today.
  
  

  All I can say is YEEEEEOUCH!

Remembering 41-14.

About 11 years ago, I was walking through the now-defunct Long's Bookstore in Columbus, Ohio, looking for a black Ohio State Buckeyes hat to wear to a game.

I walked past the bargain bin and did a double take. I just laid my eyes upon the perfect hat.

Black. Ohio State logo. The little plastic rip-and-tear head size tag. And, let's not forget the price tag...$5.99. Like I said, perfect.

I pulled out my credit card and bought three.

(In hindsight, I wished I would've bought more.)

The first hat was lost around 1998 by a solo gigantic wave during a drunken, night excursion at Hunting Island, South Carolina.

The second one was pitched into the trash after Ohio State defeated Miami in the BCS National Championship in 2002.

The third one is now a nasty shade of brown from the wear and tear of five continuous years of blood, sweat and tears. And although I still wear it proudly, I'll be the first to tell you that it's seen its last days.

That's why I finally broke down and told my wife-to-be that if Ohio State wins the National Championship tonight, I'm going to finally pitch my old hat into the trash and begin my search for a new, black Ohio State hat to wear triumphantly into my 40's.

Hell, I may even buy three and start the whole process again.

The hat is one of many reasons that I've got that bittersweet taste in my mouth as I count down the hours to tonight's game.

To be honest, I really haven't touched base too much on the Buckeyes making it to the National Championship game since it was announced in early December.

For one, I thought the Bucks postseason game was going to be played out against USC in the Rose Bowl on New Year's Day.

Maybe I'm still shocked. Maybe I'm hesitant to say anything at all.

Maybe I'm thinking about 41-14.

Yep I think that's it.

41-14. Ech.

Word around the campfire was that OSU Coach Jim Tressel had the Ohio State video guys make DVD's for the Ohio State players to take home and watch. You can see a snippet of it right here.

Word around the campfire was that the players were dead silent as they watched the DVD together the first time during a team meeting.

"Ouch. Point taken, coach!"

In a funny anectdotal story written by Tim May in today's Columbus Dispatch, LSU Head Coach Les Miles said his team was going to watch the movie 300 to get psyched up for the game.

May wrote:

As for the Buckeyes, senior right tackle and co-captain Kirk Barton was asked yesterday what movie he and his teammates might take in on the eve of the game.

"Film," he said.

Which film?

"Game film," he said.

Well played sir. Well played.

In any event, I'll be at The Winking Lizard in Peninsula drinking beer, eating wings and rooting on the Buckeyes with my good friend (and fellow, former OSU scoreboard operator) Eric.

Oh yeah, my brown Ohio State hat will there too.

Hopefully, playing it's final swan song on top of my head.

Monday (Semi) Sports Rant

BUCKEYES BABY
Wow. After Illinois defeated the Buckeyes at home. I thought to myself, "Oh well, we'll beat Michigan and go on to the Rose Bowl." I was content to watch the Buckeyes shut up all the naysayers and plant a foot up USC's ass this year. Plus, it was a New Year's bowl game, which I prefer instead of waiting until Monday, January 7. On the flip side, I think it's great the Buckeyes are - once again - playing for a National Championship. I can't believe Missouri and WVU lost on Saturday. I've never used the 'LAST' button on my remote control more than flipping between those two games. That said, I watched a couple interviews with LSU Head Coach Les Miles after last night's announcement. Don't know about you, but the guy seems a bit cocky to me. Sort of reminds me of Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis before he got his ass handed to him 34-20 in the Fiesta Bowl a couple years back. Here's what I think. Ohio State will kick Les's ass at LSU. Then, when he takes the coaching job at Michigan next year, the Bucks will kick Les's ass again at Ohio Stadium. Keep talking Les. Keep talking.

BCS, CONTINUED.
Does Ohio State deserve to be in the Championship game? Probably. However, I do think there's another team that deserves the right even before the Bucks and that's Hawaii. How is it possible to go undefeated in your regular season and not play in the national championship? Must be hard, because no other team in the Division I rankings has done it this year except Hawaii. "Strength of schedule, dude!" Yeah. Yeah. Whatever. If you go by that defense, then, with the exception of playing Penn State, Purdue and Michigan, Ohio State has no right in the championship game either. And I'm not even counting the loss to Illinois, who were unranked at the time. (Just being honest, here). If we're not going to mimic Division II and III and have a playoff system (which seems to work well in those divisions) I say we just go back to the old bowl way and let all the good college team play on New Year's Day. I used to love that shit. What better way to judge the year's best teams than watching them all the same day? Then - like the Heisman trophy is decided - let the polls, coaches and sportswriters decide. Seems like it would work better than the current BCS system.

R.I.P. EVEL KNIEVEL
Everyone has their favorite Evel moment. For my brother and I, it was when he jumped the pool of sharks. After we watched that show, I remember going outside, building bike ramps with plywood and bricks and jumping various things, even each other. There were many movies, people and television shows that fed our hopes and dreams of being professional stuntmen. Evel Knievel stood high atop the list. The man was an inspiration for an entire generation of wannabe backyard daredevils. He'll be missed, but his legacy will live on at many state and county fairs around the country.

THE PATRIOTS, NFL AND FF.
Well, I finished 12th out of 13th in my Fantasy Football league. I'm just not cut out for this stuff. I went online and checked out various FF tips and tactics. Nothing has worked. One guy on our team has every Patriots player imaginable. He lost one game, which coincidentally, was the Patriots bye week. FAG. In any event, I think it would be really, really funny if A.) The Jets beat the Patriots in the final game of the season. B.) The Patriots lose in the Superbowl. Ha. Ha. Look, I said in a previous entry that it was fun watching the Pats kick everyone's ass. Now I'm not so sure. Seems like everyone is on the bandwagon. Hell, I've seen fresh Patriots bumper stickers on cars across Northeast Ohio. I saw about 10 or 15 people wearing Patriots jerseys at the mall yesterday. Before you ask, yes I went to the mall yesterday (I took my daughter to see Santa). But it was in Cleveland!! What happened to city pride mother fuckers. If you ask me, this whole thing is getting sort of lame. I'm going a complete 180 on this. I think it's time for the Patriots to lose.

DOES ANYBODY CARE ABOUT THE NBA?
Look, right now, I could care less about the NBA. Even the Cleveland Cavaliers. I think the NBA season is too long. Seriously, nobody starts to care about NBA basketball until after the fourth quarter of the Superbowl in February. Here's my idea. Tip off the season in January and play three games a week until the end of March. Then, have a playoff that lasts until the end of April. That's it. Period. Season over.

THE WIRE
The Wire is, by far, one of the best dramatic television series I've seen. Ever. It's well written. Well directed. And well acted. I shit you not, the acting is top notch. Even better than Six Feet Under, The Sopranos , NYPD Blue and M*A*S*H combined. If you've never seen an episode, I suggest you rent Season 1 and go from there. The series takes place in Baltimore. It covers the corruption, the drug trade, the dockworkers, the schools and the cops that are trying to fight crime in this decaying city. Good stuff. I'm surprised this series hasn't been nominated for any Emmys. I guess mainstream America can't handle the content. Bunch a pussies!

GARGOYLES
I work in downtown Cleveland. After watching the movie Transformers, I find myself glancing up in the sky and watching for debris - in particular cement gargoyles - falling from the buildings due to the Autobots and Decepticons battling for supremacy in the city.

I HATE CHRISTMAS
Well, I really don't hate Christmas, per se. I like the lights. I like the Christmas Tree part of it. I like the songs. I like the cartoons. Come to think of it, I guess I like Christmas. I just hate the buying. The pressure to buy a gift for a loved one is out of this world. And in the end, you're basically just exchanging gift cards for the same price. That's why, this year, I told my family I'm not getting them anything. And I told my fiance I'm not getting her anything, either (Yeah, that's right mother fucker!). In fact, the only people we're buying for this year are A.) Our kids and B.) Nieces and nephews. I think it should be a law that, during Christmas, the only people you should buy for are kids 18-and-under. Period.

Come to think of it, I do hate Christmas.

LLLLLoyd, sorry to see ya go.

Well, even before Ohio State's 14-3 win over Michigan at the Big House on Saturday, I heard murmurs and rumors that Lloyd Carr was going to step down as head coach of the Maize and Blue.

Although his scowl will be missed, I can't see him staying away from a football field for too long. In a year or two, I wouldn't be surprised to see him heading onto the NFL as an assistant coach or even coaching a lower-tier Division 1 WAC or MAC college team.

I was going to write a big send off, but Columbus Dispatch Sport Reporter Bob Hunter said it all in a poignant Carr column, which ran today. Check it out right here.

However, I will say this - the guy definitely left many a Ohio State fan dejected in the 90's. All of those Michigan wins still sting like they happened yesterday. I mean, whenever anyone utters the word 'Biakabatuka' - I still feel a singe crawl up the back of my spine. And, for that, I know Carr's angry grimace will be remembered by Buckeye Nation everywhere.

Now I'm curious to see who they hire as Jim Tressel's Megatron.

Go Bucks!

Nuff Said....

Yes, It's Another Sports Rant!

Just wanted to touch base on a couple sportscentric rants running around my brain:

New England Patriots
Well, here I thought the pussification of man came down to men shopping at Pottery Barn. But, when you have coaches and players bitching that an NFL team is running up the score on your NFL team, well I think the Pussification of Man starts....right.... now. Even though I'm not a fan, I love the fact that the Patriots are making every NFL team their proverbial whipping boy this season. I think this is exciting for football. Plus, it puts a gleam in the eye of football-playing kids around the United States. I mean, do you know how many kids are completing Brady-to-Moss pass patterns in their backyard as we speak? This brings back memories of when I was 13-years-old and the 1985 Chicago Bears dismantled the competition all the while singing the Superbowl Shuffle (and that was even before they made the playoffs!). That's why I think it's amusing that 250-pound football players are whining because the Patriots are running up the score. Boo Freaking Hoo. Next thing you know NFL teams, coaches and players will start to sue other teams for running up the score. Is all of America turning into a bunch of fucking cry-babies? Wahhh. Wahhh. Wahhh. You know what I say to all those cry-baby millionaires? Shut the fuck up, toss the loss in your memory banks and kick their ass next year. Oh yeah, and why don't you play fucking better football, you pussies.

2007 World Series
After watching the Boston Red Sox humiliate the Colorado Rockies in a 4-0 World Series sweep last night. (Okay, truthfully I didn't watch it. Did you?) You wonder what the Cleveland Indians would have done with this creampuff of a team. And to think that the Injuns were only one game away from winning it all.

Ohio State Buckeyes
Well. Well. Well. Looks like everyone is starting to talk about the Ohio State/Michigan game once again. Not me. Because as I've stated before in previous rants, I knew all along how important this upcoming game was going to be. And, even though there's a couple more games to play, I'm still sticking to my guns, suckers. Ohio State has a couple big games down the stretch (Illinois and Wisconsin), but it's all going to come down the noon kickoff on Saturday Nov. 17 at the Big House. With Carr's future on the line, not to mention Buckeyes bragging rights, it's going to be a barn-burner. Ech! I can't believe I said that.

Pittsburgh Steelers and Fantasy Football.
Like an idiot I benched Hines Ward this week in favor of Santonio Holmes and Antwaan Randle El. It almost cost me a win. Lesson learned. In my opinion, the Steelers only have two big games before they clinch a playoff berth - this week against Baltimore and next week against Cleveland. Sure the Browns are okay this year and it's fun to watch them win for once in a blue moon. But let's be honest, they're not as good as Big Ben, Holmes, Ward, Miller, Parker and the 'Stillers' solid D. I'm looking for two more wins in two more weeks.

National Basketball Association and King James
Even though I live in Cleveland, I'm not even remotely excited for NBA basketball. The season is too long. The postseason is even longer. And everyone up here in Cleveland thinks that Lebron is the cat's meow, which gets a little annoying. There's a little game I play every NBA season up here in Cleveland. And no, it's not BALLING. From now until the end of the season, how many times can you spot a picture of Lebron James in the Cleveland Plain Dealer. It's amazing how many times he's in the paper up here. Boring. Boring. Boring.

Next!

Electric Football
When I was ten years old, I begged and begged my parents for an official NFL Electric Football game for Christmas. Well, my wish was their command and, on December 25th, Santa Claus answered my persistent whining with 100 miniature yards of green shining silver, complete with Eagles and Steelers painted players and a plug. By the end of the week, it joined the other Misfit Toys in the closet right next to my Electronic Battleship and Light Bright. The very next year, we tossed it in a Toys-for-Tots bin at the mall. To this day, I picture some poor kid sitting next to his Charlie Brown Christmas Tree opening up his Toy-for-Tots present and then laying his eyes on my used, slightly scratched, electronic football game with a Ziploc bag full of plastic football players duct-taped to the back. I betcha he still remembers that Christmas as one of his worst. The poor fella.

Big Ten Network Still Sucks
By the way, this Saturday I won't be watching the Buckeyes battle Wisconsin due to the sucky Big Ten Network airing the game. So, instead I'm making my Game Of The Week #5 Oregon vs. #4 Arizona State Saturday night at 6:30 p.m.. Thanks a fucking lot Big Ten Network. You and your stupid network can suck my big, fat hairy balls.

We're Talking Sports....Again!

Below are some quick reactions to the past week and upcoming week in sports:

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
This team seems a little bit pissed off about getting busted for stealing opposing team's defensive signals. And it seems like they're taking out their frustration on every team in the NFL. And I'm talking everyone. The Patriots are 6-0 and they've outscored opponents by a 230-92 margin. Before each game, I picture everyone in the Patriots locker room stone silent and pissed. No one is talking. No one is making jokes. Everyone is just focused on the game at hand - and did I mention they're pissed. Heck, I betcha that Bill Belichick hasn't had to give the team a pre-game pep talk all season long. He just opens up the door and they run out and go to work. Wouldn't it be funny if they made the playoffs and lost in the first round to a wild card team? Well, I think it would be.

FANTASY FOOTBALL
Speaking of Tom Brady and Randy Moss. If you had these two guys on your roster, you could opt not to play the rest of your Fantasy team and still have a good chance of winning . Seriously. These guys are racking up a combined 60-70 fantasy points each week. By the way, I'm dead last in my Fantasy Football league. I have no fucking clue what I'm doing. By the end of the season, more than likely, I'll have zero players that I started with from Week One. Plus, I'm getting beat by two women who basically chose their players based on the player's good looks, favorite mascots and pretty team colors. Flush another $20 down the toilet.

OHIO STATE
Like I said before, I truly thought this was going to be a down year for the Buckeyes. Then again I thought the same thing about the 2002 National Champion Buckeyes as well. The amazing thing is - with the exception of the first half against Washington - there hasn't been a close game yet. The defense is stunning - even without Laurinaitis at linebacker. But after Michigan State this week, Ohio State is traveling to Penn State (remember the white out?) and has games against Illinois, Wisconsin and - of course - on the road at Michigan. Remember what I said about Michigan? Right now, they're undefeated in the Big Ten. But that was before Mike Hart screwed up his ankle. And, although Hart's said he's going to play this week, I'm curious how they'll do on the road against Illinois.

COLORADO ROCKIES & OLD PEOPLE
After seeing the old, retiree codgers root on the Diamondbacks by sitting on their hands during game one of NLCS not to mention almost 4,000 tickets going unsold for that particular game in Arizona, I'm happy the Colorado Rockies (21-1 in their last 22 games) are going to the World Series. Which leads me to believe they should have some sort of senior citizen seating at all sporting events - in particular for the big games (i.e. Michigan/Ohio State, Yankeees/Red Sox etc.). From college football and basketball to the NBA, NHL and NFL even high school sports - if you're old and you don't want to stand up and cheer for your team, you get sequestered to the 'senior section' where you can sit on your ass with like-minded people and bitch about the noise all game long.

CLEVELAND INDIANS & CLEVELAND BROWNS
I wasn't really a fan of either team before I moved to Cleveland. But I've watched every Indians game since the playoffs begun. And it's been a blast. Plus, on Sunday, I never thought the phrase "How did the Browns do?" would ever be uttered from my mouth. Of course, it's after I ask "Did the Steelers win?". With the Cavs making the championship last year, the underdog Indians up 2-1 against the Red Sox in ALCS and the Browns at 3-3 heading into their bye week, this is as good as time as any to be a sports fan who happens to live in Cleveland.

MARTINS FERRY PURPLE RIDERS VS. BELLAIRE BIG REDS
My family still lives in Martins Ferry, Ohio. And this game is like Ohio State vs. Michigan or Yankees vs. Red Sox for the Ohio Valley. Both towns literally shut down when this game is being played. What's equally amazing is how much hatred my brother has for the city of Bellaire. A couple years ago I went to this game with my brother. Before the band came out he started heckling the other team's fans and kept it going through haltime and all the way to final buzzer. If a Bellaire fan would walk by, he'd start to spit venom:"Get out of our fucking stadium!", "That's right. Keep walking." and "Bellaire fucking sucks!" All the while he's holding up his middle finger to anyone in a red and black jersey - even grade school kids. He didn't care. I haven't seen that much passion since my best friend spit in the face of some Gulf War protestors in college back in 1991. That said, this year's matchup (on Oct. 27) is going to be more for bragging rights. Martins Ferry just got shellacked by St. Clairsville and Indian Creek and are definitely out of postseason contention. On the flip side, the Big Reds are an embarrasing 0-8.

You know, I can't wait to make take my kids to the Ferry/Bellaire football game when they're a little bit older. Heck, if anything, my brother will teach them how to give the middle finger to Bellaire fans..

Questions? Comments? Remarks? Tell me what you think?