Mmmmmm.....donuts!!!

When I was six or seven years old, I went to a Boy Scout meeting with my brother, his good buddy Mike and Mike's Dad.

After the Boy Scout meeting, we exited the church and about two or three inches of fresh fluffy snow had fallen on the ground.

Mike turned to his Dad "Let get some donuts!!!"

Mike's Dad nodded and said, "Sounds good to me, let's go."

We all hopped into his truck (not sure what type it was) and zoomed out of the church parking lot and onto the snow-covered road.

My brother and Mike were talking about the Boy scout meeting (something about a box car derby, if memory serves correctly). I wasn't listening because all I could think about was tasting those fresh, piping hot glazed donuts followed by a nice, glass of fresh milk.

I was pretty giddy with excitement to say the least.

"We're here," Mike's Dad yelled as he pulled into Steeple Valley Middle School.

"Sweet," cheered my brother.

"Yeah," screamed Mike.

"Cool," I shouted.

Was there some sort of bake sale going on at the school that I didn't know about? I didn't care. I was hungry for some donuts. Chocolate covered. Old-fashioned. Smothered in white icing with those little flickers of funfetti on top. It didn't matter to me. My stomach started to grumble with anticipation. I couldn't contain myself.

All of a sudden Mike's Dad hit the gas and started twisting and turning the car around school parking lot. The car slid and twisted around the basketball hoops implanted in the middle of the playground while Mike and my brother hooted and hollered with glee.

I'll have to admit. It was pretty fun. It felt like a roller coaster ride at Cedar Point.

Then, just like that, Mike's dad pulled his truck out of the parking lot. Mike and my brother were giving each other high fives and telling Mike's dad how awesome he was.

We got dropped off at home and said our goodbyes to Mike and his father.

As my brother ran inside with his yellow bandana hopping in the wind, I stood there in the falling snow an utterly confused kid.

What in the hell just happened?

And where in the fuck were my donuts?

The Booger Fairy

Ahhhh, Winter.

The air is wet. The ground is sloppy. It’s also the perfect time of the year for copious amounts of boogers to grow in your nostrils.

Yes people, it's BOOGER SEASON.

Armed with my handy index finger, every single day I battle this nasty little vermin living in my nose.

I pick. I pick. I pick. And I pick some more. But those little buggers (Oops I mean boogers) just keep growing back, again, again and again. It’s like some sort of crazy dandelion weed in my nose. Only browner.

On a related note, you know when you pick your nose when you're driving and you wipe it on the car seat? I'm really curious where all of those boogers go? I mean, they always seem to disappear.

I have a theory and it has something to do with the BOOGER FAIRY.

Every night, the same exact thing happens. You brush your teeth. Take a pee. Maybe rub one out. Then blow your nose. You clean out the nostril pipes, so to speak. Then you drift into slumberland.

Eight hours later, you awake to find your nose plugged up with boogs. WTF?

Well, my friend, you just got visited by the BOOGER FAIRY.

Consider her (it?) sort of a reverse tooth fairy. Instead of taking your teeth and leaving you money, the BOOGER FAIRY comes through the cracks of the sewer pipes and inserts boogers into your nose. Every. Single. Freaking. Night.

You know when you wake up and sneeze at night? Yep. You just missed the BOOGER FAIRY.

Now, I can already hear the naysayers coming out of the woodwork. "But, Eimer, don’t you think there’s a more scientific-based explanation why boogers form in your nose then the BOOGER FAIRY?"

Fuck You I say. Just like Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster and little gray men, the Booger Fairy is real.

To be honest, I really don’t care what you think...


Sooooo...what do you think?