The dishwasher. The horror. The horror.

There are many things I dislike in life. Toilet paper in an unflushed toilet, stepping into a puddle with socks and, well, death. But, lately something’s that been grinding on my nerves like a kid scratching his fingernails across a chalkboard is the dishwasher.

I hate the fucking dishwasher. I hate loading it. I hate unloading it. I hate washing off the dishes before you unload it. I hate the dripping water from the dishes that you step in after you load the dishwasher.

I’ve talked about it here before, when you have kids, you’re in the kitchen. When you’re not preparing food for the kids (or yourself), not cleaning up the kitchen, not cleaning noodles and vegetables out of the drainer, not serving drinks and snacks, you’re either cleaning out or filling up the dishwasher.

And let me tell you, it’s mind-numbing.

Seeing the same plates, the same cups, the same silverware, day after day after day after day after day…..after day. It can wear on you, man.

You know how the wife and husband sort of split up the duties around the house? Well, looks like I got the mowing (yes!) and cleaning out the dishwasher (no!). I haven’t delved into that part of my wife's life as to why the dishwasher is taboo. Sure, she does other stuff (for the kids and the house) that I’m happy to not have anything to do with.

However, it still doesn’t change the fact that I’m sick of staring at the dishwasher.

Which remind me of a movie I saw last year. It’s probably one of the best scenes I’ve witnessed in quite some time.

And it has to do with a goddamn dishwasher.

The movie was ‘Rachel Getting Married’ starring Oscar-nominated Anne Hathaway and directed by Oscar-winner Jonathan Demme. The scene in question that I surprisingly often reflect upon as I’m emptying and stocking the dishwasher is about halfway into the film.

It’s a great scene involving the future father-in-law (name) and the future son-in-law (name). Paul, the father-in-law, played by Bill Irwin, starts loading up the dishwasher and Sidney, the future son-in-law, played by Tunde Adebimpe, butts in and shows Paul how it’s done. Of course, the patriarch of the family has to protect his manhood and it becomes a contest, of sorts, into who can load the dishwasher the efficiently and quickly.

In my opinion, it’s a wonderful scene that captures the character of the actors, the passing of the torch of his daughter to his future son-in-law, and just adds a fresh slice of human condition into a film – which is something that I love to see. I'm curious if this was an impromptu scene thought up by Demme and or the screenwriter during filming. It seems unscripted. Well, the entire film has a documentary feel like you're a fly on the wall of this big family who is celebrating their lives while shadowing their skeletons.

So, until, they think of another way to wash dishes, I will forever be reminded of this scene from one of my not in my top 141 movies of all time. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good film. It’s just not my all-time favorite.

If you haven’t seen it, I’d rent the flick. Not just for this particular scene, but for the entire experience. Especially the wedding ceremony and reception. Very trippy.

Thinking back. It’s funny how those little snippets of film experiences subconsciously get fused into your brain.

Has anyone else had a similar experience with a film?

Hey! Parenting is getting easier.

For the past three years, I've glanced out the window at beautiful sunny days, pining to get outside and enjoy the great outdoors.

Then I begrudgingly would glance at my kids' closed doors, anxiously waiting for them to wake up from their naps so I could get outisde.

You know...people say that the first two years of your kid's life on this planet is pure bliss.

Let me tell you, most of them are lying.

As a matter of fact, the first two years of a child's life is a lot of:

- Buttwiping
- Sitting around
- Hanging inside the house
- Hovering
- Making sure they don't smack their head on sharp corners
- Feeding
- Getting woken up at night
- Missing out on life's events (which I wrote about previously)

Like I said, not for me.

However, with my daughter almost 4 and my son almost 3, I think I've hit a fatherhood turning point this spring.

Just yesterday, I was able to mow my entire 2.5 acre lawn with my kids hanging out in the backyard playing. Sure, I gave them each lawn-mower rides while mowing. But it was so great to see them walking around, picking up sticks, throwing rocks and being actual kids.

And it was liberating for me.

This spring and summer we've got a number of funcentric kid things on the docket...more trips to the swimming pool, amusement parks (Kennywood and Cedar Point), zoos (Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Akron and Columbus), road trips, cookouts, soccer, hiking on trails, vacation to the Jersey Shore, and let's not forget their first film at a bonafide movie theater (Toy Story 3).

Maybe, even possibly, a camping trip. (probably not).

And you know what? I'm looking forward to every single one of them. To add to that, I don't even feel like I'm 37. I feel like I did when I just graduated college. But a little smarter with a little more money in my bank account.

But I digress...

Yep, I put in my solid three years of baby rearing. Now it's time to get outside, rub the eye boogers out of my eyes and take a deep breath of the nice, warm outside air.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh.

I'm finally back. With no more babies in tow.

Only pre-schoolers

The Education of My Kids - Fire

Yesterday,as the sun was setting and a cool breeze was blowing in from the West, I decided to start a small fire in my backyard.

My daughter, with her stuffed dog 'Pupper' in her hand, approached.

"Daddy, what are you doing?" she asked.

"Making a fire?" I said.

"Why?" she asked.

"Well," I thought for a second. "I guess it's because I like to burn stuff."

"Why?" she asked.

Again, I thought for a second.

"Because it makes me feel like a man," I said tossing a stick into the fiery embers.

"Oh," she said matter-of-factly. And walked away.

20 Tips, Ideas & Advice for First-Time Parents; A Guy's Perspective.

My wife-to-be and I had two kids in under two years.

Besides the fact that you'll be surrounded in poop for the next couple years, there are 20 important things that I've learned during my two-year baby-raising tour of duty that I think will help virtually every new parent out there.

While this crap (pun intended) is still in my mind, I would like to spread a little love, advice and tips about the first year of parenting.

As always, take it with a grain of salt. Hopefully, one or two will hit home with you.

Also, I hope this doesn't come off as too pretentious. Like a lot of people in the world, I've lived the life of raising a baby for the past two years. So, hopefully, my unique perspective on the matter can help you out when your back is against the wall and you see that little thing pop out of your wife's ....(well, you know what I'm trying to say).

1.) Baby’s Room = Far, Far, Away
After you have a kid, you may think that you'll be spending most of your time in the living room, dining room or even the baby’s room. Wrong. You’re going to be spending a big amount of your time in the kitchen. In fact, everyone is going to be in the kitchen. Whether you’re making bottles, washing dishes, making dinner, grabbing a beer after a stressful day or just relaxing; you’ll be hanging out in the kitchen. So that’s why it’s important to have the baby’s room as far away from the kitchen as possible. Heck, if your bedroom is the farthest point, I would suggest moving your kid’s room into that room during, at least, the first six months. Also, if you don't have dishwasher, buy one today. You're going to need it.

2.) Netflix
Unless your kid is a freak of nature, you will be up at night. It’s okay. It’s okay. Don’t panic. In 10 or 12 months, you’ll be fine. But those first six months are pretty brutal on the sleepless scale. That’s why I suggest you invest in a subscription to Netflix. I don’t know how many times I was up at night with both of my newborn kids with two hours to kill between sleep and feedings and thinking “Man, I wish I had a movie to watch.” Netflix is the way to go. Click here to read my full report on Netflix. Oh, and I suggest the three-movie deal because, with this deal, you can also download more than 50,000 titles to your computer. My DVD compilation suggestions? Weeds, Entourage, Lost, Deadwood, Six Feet Under, Freaks and Geeks, Arrested Development and The Wire.

3.) Invest in a Sound Machine or Fan.
I don’t care if you’re a hippy who doesn’t want your kid to be a victim of incessant noise pollution, you should invest in some type of white noise maker. Even a CD with continuous waves will do. Why? Well, for starters it gives your kid a better sleep, both day and night. Plus you won’t have to tiptoe around the house when you’re trying to get shit done while the baby’s asleep. NOTE: If your other half insists on playing The Cure's Greatest Hits for your child at night, please smash the CD as soon as possible.

4.) Nip the Colic.
If the baby is crying uncontrollable, don’t try to weather the storm yourself. As Kool Moe Dee said "Go see the doctor." There’s nothing more unsettling (to you and the baby) than a baby that’s crying uncontrollably for four straight days. I mean, you’re already walking on pins and needles trying to feed, change and make sure your kid is as comfortable as possible. If the baby is crying like a fiend, take her to the doctor ASAP and get something for its belly. There is medication out there that can help. Our doctor prescribed baby Pepcid for both our daughter and son. And it worked wonders.

5.) Always ask for Formula and Diapers.
If parenthood were Fight Club. The first rule of Parenthood would be to always ask for Formulas and Diapers. The second rule of Parenthood is to ALWAYS ASK FOR FORMULA AND DIAPERS. Your parents will call. Then they'll ask if they can bring anything. Whatever you do, don’t say “No, we’re cool.” You are a new parent. You are not cool. Instead, say, “Yes, bring formula and diapers.” Formula and diapers are to your baby what gas is to a car = expensive and necessary. If your birthday is coming up, ask for formula and diapers as a gift. For Christmas, don’t ask for a new set of boxer shorts. Ask for formula and diapers. Hell, I've got it so ingrained into my parent’s brains, that they don’t even have to ask. They just bring formula and diapers up instinctively. Like Pavlov's dogs.

6.) Baby's first Christmas.
Don’t buy anything. Don’t you dare buy one thing for your baby. The grandparents will buy everything your child needs and then some. Save your money for Tip #5. Plus, the baby won’t remember getting gifts from you anyway. In fact, the first two Christmas's are like a Monopoly Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free-Card for parents when it comes to purchasing gifts.

7.) Baby's first birthday.
See rule #6. The only thing you need to invest in is a great party. So, spend your cash on cake, balloons, beer and food for the guests. Let me repeast this for the more dense new parents out there; DON'T BUY ANY PRESENTS FOR YOUR KID. Period. The grandparents and other family members will buy enough.

8.) Onesies
During the first six months, both of our kids wore onesies 95% of the time. Why? Because they're practical that's why. Sure, you may see a cute cowboy or sailor outfit and think your kid will look like a doll in it. Hell, we thought the same exact thing when we purchased these cool Ohio State and Purdue outfits for our kids. We didn't dress them in the outfits once. So take my advice: when you're filling out your baby registry, just ask for onesies. They’re cheap. They’re comfortable for the kid (who will be dying to move his legs any chance he can get). Plus they’re easy access when you’re changing a diaper in pitch black at 3 a.m.

9.) Don’t buy shoes.
During the first nine months, both of our kids hardly wore shoes. Don't buy shoes. They're worthless. Only socks and bare feet are the way to go. During her first nine months on this Earth, I think our daughter wore shoes once (for her baptism). Our son has only had shoes on once in his nine months as well. Sure, those little Nikes are cute, but they’re not practical. Save your dough and go see Tip #5.

10.) Get out of the house.
Truth be told, you’re going to want to get away from the kid. You may not think you want to. You may think you’ll want to hold it and love it 24 hours a day. But you won’t. You’ll want to get away. At least for a little while. When that time comes, swallow your pride and have everyone you know come over to help. Grandparents. Sisters. Brothers. Uncles. Nieces. Friends. Nephews. They all want to see this kid grow up to be awesome. So they’re not going to do anything to harm a little hair on his or her body. Take advantage of the seasoned veterans in your family. Then get the hell out of dodge for a couple hours. Go shopping. Go to BW3 and have a beer. Go drive your car around the neighborhood and listen to music. But please for the love of god, get out of the house.

11.) Baby Boot Camp
Eventually, you’ll want your baby to start putting itself to sleep at night. Especially if you both work. When that time comes, I suggest the Ferber method. Basically, it’s letting your baby cry for a specific amount of time, going into the room and comforting said baby, then letting the baby cry again until, exhausted he/she falls asleep. Sure, at times, it can be heart-breaking. But think of it as an investment on your sleep time. When we first tried our own version of the Ferber method (every parenting technique is different), we had to endure both of our kids crying at night. Sometimes for an hour or so. Yep, it was sad. Even if you're the hardest Hells Angels member around, you'll still, want to run in, scoop him up and let him go to sleep on your shoulder. But hold strong. In the long run (two to three weeks or even a couple days), you’ll be happy you did. It took our daughter a while before she caught on. But our son took to it pretty fast. He hardly cries at all when you put him down, which is awesome.

12.) Get as much sleep as possible.
During the first six months of both newborns, as soon as my mom and dad walked in the door, my wife-to-be and I would hand the kids over and head to the bedroom to take a nap. If your parents come over for a visit, go take a nap. If your sister, brother or friends come over, excuse yourself and take a nap. Even if it's for 15 minutes. It’s not rude and it’s not selfish. You'll need as much sleep as you can for the night shifts. Plus, you’ll feel refreshed and ready to kick some baby ass after you wake up.

13.) Invest in a babysitter.
Whether it’s your next-door neighbor, a friend of the family, parents or aunt; get a babysitter once in a while. Don’t feel guilty by getting out of the house for a couple hours, or even a night, and having a bit of fun. You've earrrrrned it.

14.) Take your baby to a restaurant.
We took our daughter to a sushi restaurant when she was six weeks old. We took our son to Winking Lizard when he was even younger. Now they’re both fairly civilized at any family restaurant that we drag them too. Of course, there’s a time window of getting in, having a beer or glass of win and eating. But I would say, 9 times out of 10 they’re great. And I firmly believe it’s because we initiated them into the restaurant scene sooner than later.

15.) Embrace the matriarch.
During the first couple days home after the birth, have your mom stay overnight with you. Preferably the daughter’s mother. If that can’t happen, suck it up and have the father’s mother stay all night. They will provide great support in what will probably be the most stressful and, arguably, the most emotionally tumultuous time of your life.

16.) Plan a vacation.
You always need something to look forward to. Especially when you have a screaming two-month old in your arm at 4 o'clock in the morning. That’s why, it may sound weird, but I encourage you to plan a vacation with or without your baby. Even if it’s an overnight trip, you’ll have something on the horizon to look forward to in the future while you’re taking care of your newborn in the present. Before our daughter arrived, we planned a trip to the Jersey shore and took her with us when she was only three-months old. If I didn’t have that vacation in my sights, I’m not sure what I would have done during those first three months. In hindsight, the vacation was a little crazy, but it was still a great, memorable time nonetheless. (NOTE: I think it was because my parents came for half of the trip). More importantly, it broke up the monotony of getting up, feeding baby, changing diaper, going to work, eating lunch, coming home, feeding baby, changine diaper, going to bed. If you don't plan a trip, it's like freaking Groundhog Day.

17.) Diaper Dékor Plus
If you don’t pay attention to anything I say on this post, I advise you to listen to this tip. Go to Baby’s R Us. Ask your parents. Do anything and everything you can. But purchase a Diaper Dékor Plus Waste Basket. Rather than go into detail about this particular product, all I can say is it’s a wonder of engineering. It’s worth the money. Oh, and by the way, If you happen to purchase one (like I advised), add Diaper Dékor Plus refillable trashbags to your list when referencing Tip #5 to family and friends.

18.) Bugaboo.
From personal experience, I think it’s important to get your kid outdoors. That's why it's very wise to invest a little more money in a lightweight, jogging stroller that can handle the day-to-day activities of a rugged urban environment such as potholes, cement, staircases, grass and rocks. My suggestion: Bugaboo. I’ll admit my mouth dropped when I saw the price. Yours will too. But, hear me out on this. It’s the best investment we’ve ever made pertaining to our children. Minus, of course, the vaccines. Nowadays, you can probably buy a cheap one on Craig's List or E-bay. It truly is the Rolls Royce of strollers. It’s freaking awesome because it handles any condition that the Earth throws at you including sand, puddles, rocks, mud, grass, limestone, even lava (or so I'm told). If you’ve got a little extra dough, invest in one of these bad boys. It practically pays for itself. I mean, our daughter is still using it at two years old. Hell, I may never get rid of it because it's so awesome. I'm going to say awesome one more time. Awesome.

19.) I-pod, Sirius or XM speaker system.
When you have a baby, it’s time to face the fact that you’re going to be spending a lot of time at home. A lot. Especially if it's winter. More importantly, you'll be spending time in the kitchen (see Tip #1). That’s why I suggest you invest in an I-pod, XM or Sirius speaker system for unlimited musical convenience at your finger tips. If you’re feeding the kid (in the kitchen), just pop in a Jack Johnson song or your favorite mellow Bob Marley tune. If the kid's asleep and you feel like rocking out on the patio in your wine-soaked stupor, go ahead and crank it up a notch to the soulful sounds of Rage Against the Machine and/or Nine Inch Nails - all without switching those stupid CDs. Plus, your kid gets a taste of all types of music at an early age. It’s a win-win situation all around.

20.) Create a play room.
Whether you like it or not, your kid is going to be rolling around on the ground. That’s why it’s important to have as much room as possible for them to freely stretch their legs without grabbing something and/or putting it into their mouth or banging their dome on a sharp instrument lying around your utility room (perhaps a bong?). When my wife-to-be and I moved into our house, we deemed the carpeted living room area next to the kitchen, the official kids playroom area. It contains all of their toys, a TV (for Little Einsteins and Sesame Street) and a couch for us to crash out on. It’s one of the smartest things we did when we moved. The kids have a place that they can call their own, reducing the amount of clutter in the bedrooms and around the house. Plus, it’s a cool place to just lounge around and have fun with your spawn.

Well, there you have it, 20 tips for first-time parents; a guy's perspective.

I know, I’m probably missing some other important stuff such as bath time, investing in a dishwasher and tips for visiting other people’s houses (perhaps there will be another list?) But I think this list will get you on the right path to becoming a sane parent during the first year of your newborn’s life.

Crabapple Stew

Yesterday morning, I was hanging out with my kids in the living/playroom.

The sun started peeking over the treetops. The big, ball of fire in the sky started to blind the two little guys. They covered their eyes to hide the glare. I'm not sure, but I think one of them whined.

Like Superman (or possibly Iron Man), I leapt to the window and pulled the window blinds. Hooray for me.

Now that I had their attention, I remembered that kids' brains are sponges and they yearn to learn new things.

That's when I decided to go all Confucius on them.

"Kids, that was the sun."

They were staring at me in awe.

"Respect the sun and, in turn, the sun will respect you."

I felt like Aristotle.

My son started to cry. My daughter's attention was abruptly swayed toward Little Einsteins. (I think she has a thing for Leo.)

Yes! My first successful lesson for my kids. With more to come, I'm sure.

Yesterday's score:
Fatherhood: 1
Children: 0

As the Little Einsteins say "Mission Completion".

Oh yeah, when my son was crying I picked him up and called him 'Crabapple Stew'. (Actually I called him son of a bitch, but that's not too cute now is it?)

Then I thought, what a kick-ass name for a rock band.

"Good afternoon Cleveland, we're Crabapple Stew. Are you ready to fucking rock?"

Adios FUCK! It was nice knowing ya.

For the most part, I consider myself a pretty good parent.

Sure, there are those night infant feedings that can really grain on your nerves and make you question your sanity.

But, pretty much, I think I do a pretty good job, with one exception.

Both my wife-to-be and I cuss like truck-driving, dock-working Teamsters.

And I'm not talking 'darn-it' and 'oh phooey' cussing.

Please. That's amateur hour bullshit.

I'm talking FUCKING, GODDAMMIT, COCK-SUCKING, ASSHOLE, DICKHEAD, FUCKFACE, MOTHER FUCKER cussing.

Look, if you read this post, you know I loooooove the word FUCK. I think I've mentioned it on more than one occassion. Hell, I even drew a cartoon about it.

But with my almost two-year old daughter running around the house and mimicking every word that we say such as 'COOL' and 'WOW' or even 'YAY', I don't want to be the one responsible for teaching her that the word 'SHIT-EATING ASSHOLE' is as cool a word as 'MOO' or 'RUFF RUFF' or even 'CHOO CHOO'.

And I'm not naive. I know it's a brutal word out there. And, with as many R-rated movies as I watch not to mention my extensive hip-hop library growing at an alarming rate each week, I know it's inevitable that she will eventually pick up a cussword or two around the house.

But it's not going to be from my lips.

I also know that down the line, she's going to be hanging out with her little brother and possibly and couple other snotty nosed kids saying cusswords to one another and giggling like little hyenas.

At least, that's what my brother and I did.

But, until that time, we've both decided to put all of our cusswords into a sack, tie it and, like a farmer with a bagful of newborn bastard puppies, toss it into some unmarked stream only to be opened up later years down the line.

Oh, it's not going to be easy. I'll be the first to admit It's going to be pretty hard to not scream 'COCKSUCKING MOTHER FUCKER!' to some old man who pulls out in front of me on the highway going 15 miles an hour. Probably harder than kicking a cigarette, heroin or even crystal meth habit.

But, I'm sure it can be done.

Hey, at least, I have this blog to turn to as an outlet for my inner FUCKS.

Dream Review #3 - My Two Dumb Sons

A couple nights ago, I had a dream where I had two teenaged sons who looked like the Hanson brothers from the movie Slap Shot.

And they were stupid.

And by stupid I mean they couldn't speak English very well, they couldn't read, they couldn't feed themselves and their mouths were always agape with drool constantly running out.

Oh yeah. And they both had that little brown trailer-trash dirt rings around their mouths.

I gave one of my sons the book Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk and told him to read it.

"This is good. This is important. You should read this," I told him. "It will make you think about your life in a different way."

I left the room to do some dishes and came back to find him staring at the book....upside down.

"I know you're not really reading it," I yelled as grabbed the book out of his hands and threw it against the wall. "Why don't you and your brother just try a little harder?"

He stared back at me with an empty gaze and, of course, drool dripping from his mouth.

I grabbed my other son by the hand and took him downstairs to watch a movie in this elaborate home movie theater we had in our basement. There were about 10,000 DVDs lining the wall. Everything from Citizen Kane to No Country For Old Men and everything in between.

I asked him to pick out a movie.

He scanned the DVDs and quickly chose Just My Luck a stupid romantic comedy starring Lindsay Lohan.

"Dude, we've got every movie imaginable and you want to watch this?" I screamed at him. "How about Apocalypse Now directed by Francis Ford Coppola? How about The Killing directing by Stanley Kubrick? How about anything besides Just My Luck."

He searched the DVD wall again and produced another movie:

It was Leonard Part 6.

I let out a huge sigh and acquiesced. Tonight, we would watch Bill Cosby make a boob of himself.

As I tossed the movie into the DVD player, I silently and secretly damned my two stupid, drooling sons to hell.


When I awoke, I somehow blamed myself for my two dumb sons' stupidity.


Hmmm. A guilty parent? Imagine that.