What's in a Fantasy Football name? Everything!

So, one of my guilty pleasures for the past three years has been fantasy football.

In the past, I guffawed at all the football nerds who painstakingly reviewed stats, receptions, rushes and tackles to compose the greatest team ever assembled of that particular year.

Personally, I thought it was an effort in futility. A long, drawn-out time-waster that takes place between life and death. However, I digress. After begrudgingly joining my good buddy Matt's league, I've found myself enjoying pro football and fantasy football much, much more.

In the past, I was a dedicated college football fan with only one eye open when it comes to pro football. Now, I find myself scouring and scanning all of the pro games on Sunday night seeing if any, or all, of my players excelled in their particular positions.

So, with all of the pro players doing the work, I think the one thing that truly stands out and shouts your originality in this faux world is the name of your Fantasy Football Team.

A good fantasy football team name should evoke emotions. It should show your creative side, while attempting to scare the crap out of your Sunday opponent.

What's more scary than a disease? Nothing, I say.

That's why, in the past, I've decided to go with chronic diseases as my FF team names. Instestinal Flu, Clogged Instestines and Chronic Diabetes have been some of my favorites. However, last year, I think I topped myself by going with Tinea Cruris - the scientific name for jock itch.

Other past names include Zombie Toolshed, Creeping Death, Wheeling River Rat and FALCO, named after the popular 'Amadeus' singer/songwriter.

This year, I went the nostalgic route and chose Sweep The Leg- a head nod to one of my favorite guilty pleasure movies of all time: The Karate Kid.

If you're unaware of the scene in which I speak, watch below (if you're impatient, fast forward to the 5:28 mark):



So, there you have it. In my opinion, Sweep The Leg epitomizes what I'm trying to do to my opponent...sneak up on them and surprise them with a cheap shot that they didn't see coming. Then, like a little sissy, I run home in a full sprint and stand behind my mom who's holding a big-ass wooden rolling pin.

Yeah, it's sort of cold, and a little childish, but who fucking cares. It's Fantasy Football - Dungeons and Dragons for washed-up jocks. (except for me!)

Now, I'm curious. If you were geek enough to have a fantasy football team, what's the best name you've ever used - or seen?

A Six Packs of Sixlets Story

Memory is a funny thing.

One second you're thinking about your upcoming wedding.

The next second you're thinking about some great water slide you rode at Wet N' Wild Water Park back in the early 80's.

The next second you're thinking about how artistically cool of a movie There Will Be Blood was.

The next second you're thinking about something that happened to you at a football game involving six packs of Sixlets.

It was a Friday night. I was eight or nine years old. And my mom, dad and I were at the high school football game in Martins Ferry, Ohio, to see my brother perform in the junior high marching band.

Anyhow, we were sitting up in the bleachers and I felt a gurgling in my stomach.

It was candy time.

"Mom, can I have some money for some candy?"

"Sure," she said as she reached into her purse and handed me a couple bucks. "Can you get a Pepsi for me?"

"I'll take a Pepsi too," my dad said staring intently at the game.

Pepsi. Pepsi. Candy. Check.

I hightailed it through the throngs of people - Some young. Some old. Some dirty. Some smelling like alcohol - and reached the band booster's concession stand in no time flat.

A lady at the counter returned my smile and calmly asked "May I help you?"

"Sure, I'll take two Pepsis and...."

I glanced up at the candy section and found myself at a loss for words. There was so much candy to choose from that I simply couldn't decide.

Kit-Kat. Snickers. Hershey Bar. Mr. Goodbar. Lik 'Em Aid. Sweet Tarts. Candy Fish. Sixlets.

Mmmm, Sixlets. Not exactly M & M's. Not even close to Reese's Pieces. But somewhat tasty in its own special way.

Chocolate balls with a crispy candy shell and deep chocolate inside. Wrapped in a plastic cellophane wrapper.

I loved popping off the top of the wrapper with my teeth then shoving as many colored pebbles as I could fit into my mouth.

Sweet, sweet, tasty goodness dipped in a chocolate shell....

"And?" the lady at the counter awoke me from my chocolate daydream.

"Uh, sorry," I said as I shoved my jaw back into my mouth. "And I'll take six packs of Sixlets. The long pack. Please."

"Okay, two Pepsis and six packs of Sixlets. The looooong pack," she said rather mockingly.

The lady brought my merchandise to the counter and I paid my fee. Which was under three dollars by the way.

I grabbed the two cups of Pepsi with both of my hands.

And, I remember this like it was yesterday.

Three packs of sixlets were wrapped tightly around the Pepsi in my left hand.

While three packs of sixlets were wrapped tightly around the Pepsi in my right hand.

As I walked back to the bleachers, I focused my attention on the six packs of Sixlets dangling over my hands like chocolate vines.

The Sixlets looked so good that I couldn't wait to get up to the bleachers, rip the plastic open with my teeth and taste the chocolatey goodness inside.

Mmmmmm, tasty, tasty Sixlets.

Suddenly, these three skinny little black girls popped out of the crowd and blocked my path to the bleachers. They looked about 11 or 12 years old.

"Uh, hi," I said awkwardly as I tried to walk around them.

With these big, wide grins on their faces, they silently surrouned me like a pack of Jurassic Park raptors.

My chocolate Spidey Sense began to tingle. I could feel all the hairs on the back of my head expand. Something just didn't feel quite right.

Then they started to tickle me.

I shit you not.

All three dug their hands into my stomach and started wiggling their little fingers into my ribcage.

"Hey stop it," I started to yell. While juggling the two Pepsis in my hand, I attempted to fight off their tickling advances with my elbows. "Stop it. Stop it. Stop it."

I think I may have even yelled for help.

Then, while one of the girls continued the tickle attack, the other two girls started yanking at the packs of sixlets.

"Hey," I screamed. "No. No. No. Don't."

The packets of sixlets came loose. Then I lost my grip on one of the Pepsis.

You could hear the slow-motion "Nooooooooooooooooo" as the drink plummeted to the ground. It exploded into a brown sludge as it mixed with the track slate below.

Then as quickly as they arrived. The three girls shot off in three different directions and disappeared into the crowd.

There I stood. Violated. Defeated. Exasperated. And a little bit pissed.

I just got mugged for six packs of Sixlets.

With tears rolling down my eyes, I returned to the bleachers and told my mom and dad the fantastical story. My dad shrugged it off like it was normal. My mom gave me a hug.

"Don't worry," she said. "We'll go down at halftime after your brother gets finished playing and get you some more candy."

As the football game continued on the field, my thoughts reverted back to my terrifying tickling attack. I just couldn't shake it.

True to their word, my parents and I went back to the counter at halftime and ordered another Pepsi. They also ordered me a couple packs of sixlets.

However, as I bit into my first pack of sixlets on the way back to the bleachers, I kept my eyes peeled for another onslaught from the tickling bandits.

To be honest, the sixlets didn't taste that great at all either.

It must have been the bad taste in my mouth from the mugging.

Football Bucks #2 in the past decade.

This past week, I've been counting down the top NCAA football teams of the past decade on ESPN.com.

Fifteen college football experts and analysts ranked all 119 Division I-A programs, taking into account record, traditions, recruiting, facilities, coaches, attendance and support, among other criteria. It's a fairly big task, but I think they pretty much hit it on the nose.

Plus, you gotta love the retro-Donkey Kong graphics on the lead-in page.

Count 'em down right here.

I'm not surprised that Ohio State is second. Check out their win percentage. It's insane. Even higher than USCs win%.

One surprise, to me, is Boise State at #19? Who would have thought that?

Another cool thing is that five Big Ten teams made the top 25: Iowa, Penn State, The Buckeyes, Michigan and Wisconsin. Purdue was 33rd.

Nice representation. Easy conference my ass.

Who loves college football? I fucking do!

Out of the four seasons we have on this Earth, I love Autumn the best.

In my mind nothing beats warm days, cool nights, Halloween, Thanksgiving, postseason baseball, orange leaves falling on the ground and the smell of bratwurst in the air.

Yep, it's almost college football season.

For your viewing pleasure, check out SI.com's preview of almost every 2007 Division I college football team in the United States.

Sweet.

I already checked out The Ohio State Buckeyes. Not sure how fantastic they'll be this year. I'm sure they'll go to a bowl game and, hopefully, kick Michigan's ass. This year, Lloyd and company including Quarterback Henne and Running Back Hart are back again to try and beat the Bucks and win a National Championship. They've definitely got the edge to beat Ohio State this especially since it's up North. But, wouldn't it be crazy if OSU went up there and pulled out another win? You know Carr's ass would be on the line then.

I'm sure other people will check out various other Big Ten teams and size up the competition. I betcha' some of my fag friends will even check out Toledo as well. Pfffffft. Losers!

So, on that note, enjoy the previews. I'll return on Monday with a new, exciting entry. I may even chronicle my four days in the Adirondacks. Who knows?

While you're here, click around some of my previous entries. Feel free to comment as well. I like smart-ass comments.

Later fuckers.