A Winning One-Word Presidential Campaign Speech.

I was in sixth grade history class and our teacher Ms. Myers (a dinosaur of a woman who always wore these big, flowery sundresses) was discussing the various American wars of the world.

As I scanned the room, you could just tell that no one was paying any attention to her.

Some were doodling. Some were drooling. Others were picking their nose. Some were even flicking their nose. I, however, was scrawling EIMER FOR PRESIDENT on my brown paper grocery bag history book cover.

No, no one was paying attention to her stupid presentation. Because all thoughts (at least my own) were firmly focused on the upcoming class presidential elections scheduled to occur right after history class.

The three candidates (myself included) were going to read campaign speeches in front of the class in hopes of persuading potential suckers to vote for us.

I practiced my speech all night and couldn't wait to take the stage. It was funny, yet sublime. Poignant, yet loosey-goosey. It was perfect.

Without being too cocky, I knew that after my speech was over, I was destined to be President of Steeple Valley.

My thoughts of conquering the world were rudely interrupted by Ms. Myers' scraggily voice.

"My oh my," she said in a high octave that woke up the class. "I've been through a lot of wars."

Then she looked up in the air, deep in thought, and started counting the various wars on her fingers.

"Vietnam...World War 1...World War 2....Korean," she put a finger to her mouth and started tapping her lip. "Mmmmm?"

Suddenly this kid Jason (who was also running for class president) yelled from the back row.

"Civil."

The class started to laugh.

Ms. Myers, however, got pissed.

She gave Jason one of those Marty Feldman, angry teacher glares. Then, without saying a word, held out her skeleton-like finger and pointed towards the door.

With a big shit-eating grin on his face, Jason shuffled off to the principal's office; an inevitable detention was in his foreseeable future.

More importantly, he wouldn't be able to deliver his campaign speech to the masses.

Oh yeah!

But, it really didn't matter.

Much to Ms. Myers chagrin (and my own), his one-word pre-election campaign speech cemented his legacy as our Sixth-Grade Class President.

It was a landslide victory.

Kudos to you Jason. Kudos to you.

As they say in the news; there's no such thing as bad publicity. Especially if it's funny.

________

Click here for another childhood story involving Jason.

Why isn't RAGE touring in the United States this year?

"FUCK YOU I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME!"

Ahh, the great lyrics from the song Killing In The Name screamed by Rage Against the Machine frontman Zach De La Rocha.

I sing this song so much in my head that I should have a bumper sticker emblazoned on my car. Hell, I should get a tattoo or even a bracelet with the letters FYIWDWYTM. Take that Lance Armstrong.

I've had the privilege of seeing Rage Against the Machine waaaaaaay back in the 1993 as the opening band at Lollapalooza 3 in Columbus, Ohio. Since then, I've been mesmerized by Tom Morello's unorthodox guitar playing, Tim Commerford's bass, Brad Wilk's hostile drums combined with Rocha's angry political rants.

When they recently got back together last year for a couple benefit concerts to Fight the Power, myself (along with other fans) were curious...

"So, are they back together for good? And, if so, are they going to tour."

Well, in addition to their first concert as a reunited band at Coachella Valley Music Festival on January 2007 and a couple other tours last year under the moniker Rock the Bells with Wu-Tang Clan and Cypress Hill, they toured. But, not much.

Then, late last year, they announced tour dates overseas in New Zealand, Belgium, Germany, and Scotland among others. In fact, according to their Web site, Rage's schedule is booked all the way until July 13 when they perform in Ireland.

Which leads me to my question: Why isn't Rage Against The Machine touring in the United States during one of the most important elections of our time?

We've got McCain, who's vowing not to leave Iraq for 100 years. We've got the possibility of a first-ever black president elected to office. Not to mention a female presidential candidate. We've got a shitty economy, our politicians are fucking us over right and left (including prostitutes I might add).

Simply put, we've got a dark political cloud hanging over our country and the country's most political band out there right now is touring in Antwerp, Belgium?

Belgium?

C'mon guys. We need your angst in America.

According to a brief article I found on Chicago Tribune's website, it's rumored that Radiohead, Nine Inch Nails, Wilco and Rage will headline this year's Lollapalooza held at Chicago's Grant Park on Aug. 1-3 (The official lineup will be announced April 7).

But, as far as possible American tour dates for this year are concerned, that's all I found.

Maybe I'm jumping the gun here. Maybe Rage Against the Machine already has a plan. Maybe they'll return to the United States in late summer and join together with other political-minded groups (perhaps the Beastie Boys?) for a fall tour to get people pissed off about our government, to get people to register to vote and celebrate the NeoCon's demise.

Or maybe they'll continue to tour overseas while our nation witnesses political history being made.

In an interview on Blabbermouth.net on May 1, 2007, Tom Morello said:

“I think that the one thing about the Rage catalog is that to me none of it feels dated. You know, it doesn't feel at all like a nostalgia show. It feels like these are songs that were born and bred to be played now.”

Hey Morello, 'to be played NOW' in America. Not 'to played NOW' in Belgium.

All I'm saying is, just like V for Vendetta we need to WAKE UP and smell the coffee Mr. Laruso! We need yo put a fist in the air in the land of hypocrisy. We need a little RAGE to get us motivated about the upcoming political election.

Now, where's that mosh pit?

Six Random Wednesday Thoughts

Thought #1
Remember my previous post about a nude Natalie Portman in Wes Anderson's new movie? Well, I finally watched Hotel Chevalier, the 13-minute prequel/short to The Darjeeling Limited and let me tell ya, the nudity ain't all that. To be honest, I was a bit underwhelmed. I'm sure this short was meant to be a major plot-point segue into the feature film. Don't get me wrong, it's finely acted by Portman and Jason Schwartzman. But, as far as nudity goes, it's a 2 out of 10 stars. She had a better look in Closer.

Thought #2
If you completely take out the concept of evaporation, I wonder how long it would take for you to fill a swimming pool with your own pee?

Thought #3
Yesterday, my future father-in-law - a staunch Republican - switched parties, signed up as a democrat and voted for Hilary Clinton in the Ohio Democratic Primary. His reasoning: "I don't think McCain will win if Obama gets the Democratic nomination." Don't know why, but I thought this was a very interesting strategy. I wonder how many other people did this?

Thought #4
As each day goes by and the realization that I'm going to be on this Earth a limited time slowly sets in, my urge to move out of rainy, cloudy, slushy Ohio grows stronger and stronger.

Thought #5
Last night, I imagined my two kids being 12 and 13 years old. Although I already know what I'm going to say to my son when he starts to masturbate. I imagined this great speech I was going to give them about being a sister and a brother and standing up for your sibling and protecting one another from bullies and danger. Then, in my imaginary conversation, I started talking to them about drunk driving, doing drugs and peer-pressure. That's when I thought up this quote:

"Look If you're ever in a situation and something in the back of your mind is giving you a funny feeling and telling you not to do it, that's your intuition talking. That's your sixth-sense saying that something's not right in Denmark. You should listen to that little voice, because 99% of the time, that feeling is right on the money."

It's that point in my imagination when I see them roll their eyes, let out a big sigh and leave the room.

Thought #6
Is anyone, besides myself, going to be watching The Wire series finale this Sunday on HBO? If you want to see one of the best television series, ever (that's right, you MASH-loving fags!). Start with the Season 1 DVD box set and get acquainted with the good, the bad and the ugly of Baltimore's drug scene. Great acting. Great writing. Great direction. Simply great. For pure selfish reasons I want you to watch it, just so I can talk about it with someone besides my five-month old son.

Who's Your Daddy? Erp, I mean Next President.

One the drive into work today, I was listening to NPR and...

No. Nope. I'm Sorry. I just lied. I was listening to ESPN Radio.

However, on this particular day, I wasn't thinking about sports, cartooning or women pillow fighting in cotton panties.

Today, my friends, I was thinking something that I rarely think about on my morning drive to work.

I was thinking politics. More importantly, the presidential election.

Frankly, I haven't even had the time to sit down and research which candidate is promising what to whom, whenever they get elected into office (e.g. blowing rainbow-colored smoke up our ass).

And although I'm not too sure who I'm picking this November (yet), I've still got my eye on some candidates including:

Barack Obama.
On a personal note, I think the time for an African American president is...now. I liked the idea of Colin Powell during the last election, but this Obama guy just seems like a good choice. I like the dude. He really is a likable guy. But is he too young to run the country? And what does he really stand for? I guess they said the same thing about the Kennedys (both JFK and Bobby). I mean, they turned out to be so popular that they both got whacked. To be honest, I'm curious to see who Obama picks for Vice President and the rest of his cabinet. Because, if he gets elected, you know there will be a lot of crazy, pissed-off rednecks runnin' around. I'm just sayin. This country isn't as color-blind as you may think. I mean, to this day, my grandpa still tells black jokes.

Hillary Clinton
Sometimes when I hear her talk to 'America' I get the feeling that deep, down inside she really doesn't like dudes. Not saying she's a lesbian or anything like that. But, I think she probably has a hard time relating to any man, especially after that Monica Blewclinsky thing. But, sometimes I like what she's saying. However, depending on what part of the country she's in, she can definitely turn on the dialect, the tears, the sadness and the charm. It's almost like a light switch. In a way, she sort of reminds me of an ex-girlfriend who could shed crocodile tears when shit wasn't going her way. That type of candor only makes me think of one word: PHONY.

Ron Paul
Never thought I would even consider a Republican. But, I caught this guy on Jay Leno and he seemed pretty likeable. And believable. Although I'm not really sure what he stands for (yet), all in all, he seems like an okay guy. He's the only Republican who differs from Bush on his interpretation of foreign affairs. To add to that, he says that he's a strict Constitutionalist, which I'm not too sure I understand. Maybe he follows the word of the constitution. Or maybe it means he's for interpreting the Constitution after he amends it. In any event, it sounds sort of cool, doesn't it?

Michael Bloomberg
Word around the campfire is that the current mayor of New York is 'considering' a run for President on an idependent ticket. He's just waiting to see who the Democratic and Republican frontrunners will be before he decides. If he's not happy at what he sees, he'll probably throw his hat in the ring around March or April. Bloomberg for President gets me excited for a number of reasons. First, he has his own money to spend (billions and billions) so he doesn't have to take cash from any special interest groups. Second, much like Perot, the man has a strong business sense. What better person to get us out of the recession gutter than a businessman who will undoubtedly surround himself with a great cabinet of smart, policy-minded decision makers? Third, I haven't heard too much bad stuff from New Yorkers on how he's handling their city. (Although I haven't talked to many) In fact, I hear somewhat positive vibes and views from a lot of people and newspapers when they talk about this guy as mayor, which is pretty amazing to say the least.

Well there you have it. My frontrunners. I may change my list as the months roll by. But right now, that's it.

Also keep in mind that I've never, ever voted for the winning President since I've been of voting age (Perot in 92. Perot in 96. Gore in 2000. Kerry in 2004)

Not sure what that means besides the fact that I'm due for a winner soon.