Eimer's Worst Movie Experiences of 2017

This year, it seemed to me like there were a lot of dud movies in 2017, which is why I think I stayed away from a lot of the new releases.

Plus, with a 10-year old boy and almost 12-year old female tween in our household, we were able to watch a lot of movies from my past that needed to be seen by my kids including Time Bandits, Rain Man, Schindlers List,  Ferris Bueller, and of course, Problem Child 1 and the much-better sequel, and more and more and more.

So, for me, this year was steeped in nostalgia rather than the crap that sifts to the top of the sewer tank. In other words, Rottentomatoes, New Yorker and word of mouth helped me immensely in choosing my movies wisely.

In any event, is this list, like, the worst movies ever made? Probably not. They're just a handful of those so-so movies that I had high hopes for, and they ultimately disappointed or fell below par in the end.

C'est La Vie. Enjoy...

‘@HowToBeSingle ’: I was all 😒 and 😴 before it started, but the 😜 acting and 😐 storyline made me (sort of) 🙂 by the end credits. pic.twitter.com/cP22U87bpj

— 1SentenceMovieReview (@EimerFilmReview) May 4, 2017

‘#Geostorm ’: A low-pressure of frigid acting merged w/ a soupy script & wispy thrills to create a shitstorm of atmospheric indigestion pic.twitter.com/5IL1DLuskF

— 1SentenceMovieReview (@EimerFilmReview) October 30, 2017

'@SwissArmyMan ': It's definitely odd & well-acted, but my mind kept reverting back to #CASTAWAY with a dead body replacing the soccer ball. pic.twitter.com/l0JYfiSrTB

— 1SentenceMovieReview (@EimerFilmReview) February 10, 2017

‘@Guardians Vol. 2’: There were funny parts, but this Marvel sequel needed a little less conversation & a little more action to satisfy me pic.twitter.com/oxoMjZr2EK

— 1SentenceMovieReview (@EimerFilmReview) May 8, 2017

‘#DoctorStrange ’: Mind-bending visuals will trip out your stoner buds, but the familiar #Marvel origin story plot will induce snoring. pic.twitter.com/s8Kb2vtuoW

— 1SentenceMovieReview (@EimerFilmReview) June 27, 2017

‘#BabyDriverMovie ’: Always impressed by Wright’s kinetic visuals & killer soundtracks but felt the crew should have heisted a better script pic.twitter.com/jsF0bDgiGH

— 1SentenceMovieReview (@EimerFilmReview) July 22, 2017

‘#AtomicBlonde’: Theron brings the brawn, yet minus the ballyhooed stairway scene, this impossible mission has already been accepted before pic.twitter.com/MbXtLJkVU7

— 1SentenceMovieReview (@EimerFilmReview) July 30, 2017

'#BeatrizAtDinner ': Sat down for a good old-fashioned #conservative vs #liberal verbal tete-a-tete dinner ... but left the table starving. pic.twitter.com/S4XVWM2JWa

— 1SentenceMovieReview (@EimerFilmReview) September 21, 2017

'#47MetersDown ': A mix between #JAWS & OPEN WATER, there be decent scares & skin, but not enough meat to sink my shark teeth in. @47MDown pic.twitter.com/qiNzQXV6gn

— 1SentenceMovieReview (@EimerFilmReview) October 13, 2017

‘#BelkoExperiment ': BATTLE ROYALE & #SAW go corporate for a rather formulaic, tedious #gorno psychological experiment w/ promised sequels pic.twitter.com/GvjoLxC3YP

— 1SentenceMovieReview (@EimerFilmReview) October 26, 2017

What about you? What's the worst movie you saw this year?

Eimer's Worst Movies Experiences of 2016

Well, it's been an odd year of film-watching for me.

Like Ulysses getting mesmerized by the Sirens' enchanting song, I've been slowly lulled into the dreamy pit that known as streaming television. Thus, my movie watching has suffered immensely. I find that December, January and February are the times that I ramp up my film watching and knock out (almost) one film a day for two and a half months in the winter.

That said, surprisingly, I've come across a number of duds that I've viewed this past year. Some of these films have made the critics top 10 best list. Some of these films have made audiences swoon with delight. But, not me.

Enjoy this 'worst of' list with a grain of salt. I'm sure there are much more terrible movies out there. But, thanks to Rotten Tomatoes, I've been able to stray away from some of the super duds.


THE 5TH WAVE

'The 5th Wave': It's as if THEY LIVE & INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS mated & spawned a dopey, shallow, clichéd tween. #5thWaveMovie

— 1SentenceMovieReview (@EimerFilmReview) May 7, 2016

MISS PEREGRINE'S HOME FOR PECULIAR CHILDREN 

'Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children': Tim Burton's adaptation is an incomprehensible, utterly confusing pile of #peregrine poop.

— 1SentenceMovieReview (@EimerFilmReview) December 17, 2016

SUICIDE SQUAD 

'Suicide Squad': You have these great evil characters, impressive budget, fab director and talent & this is the best you could come up with?

— 1SentenceMovieReview (@EimerFilmReview) December 16, 2016

THE WITCH 

'The Witch': Almost like a slow #BlairWitch origin story, the film uses moody music & screaming children to terrify, but it mostly annoys.

— 1SentenceMovieReview (@EimerFilmReview) August 25, 2016

A WALK IN THE WOODS 

‘A Walk In The Woods’: If there was a better director & better script, this Appalachian Trail wanderlust film would've been a lot ... better

— 1SentenceMovieReview (@EimerFilmReview) April 4, 2016

BONE TOMAHAWK

‘Bone Tomahawk’: Avoid this horror/western mash-up that wasted good talent to make a drudgingly slow, anticlimactic pile of horse manure.

— 1SentenceMovieReview (@EimerFilmReview) January 20, 2016

THE SCORCH TRIALS

'The Scorch Trials': This Maze Runner sequel treads a familiar teenage post-apocalyptic zombie-virus plot line that we've all come to detest

— 1SentenceMovieReview (@EimerFilmReview) January 11, 2016

NORM OF THE NORTH

'Norm Of The North': With a flimsy script, dull story, and shoddy animation, you'll dream for this clunky Polar Bear toon to go extinct.

— 1SentenceMovieReview (@EimerFilmReview) May 16, 2016

PAN

'Pan': This way too expensive, supposed 'fresh' take on Peter Pan is so over CGI'd that the actors themselves even appear to be coded.

— 1SentenceMovieReview (@EimerFilmReview) June 16, 2016

THE INTERN

‘The Intern’: Started off strong & somewhat entertaining, then mutated into an over-acted, predictable Hollywood sapfest. #TheInternMovie

— 1SentenceMovieReview (@EimerFilmReview) June 22, 2016

What about you? What was your worst film of this year? Let me know and I won't watch it.

LOOKING FOR MORE SHITTY MOVIES?

• Eimer's Worst of 2015
• Eimer's Worst of 2014
• Eimer's Worst of 2013
• Eimer's Worst of 2012
• Eimer's Worst of 2011
• Eimer's Worst of 2010

Eimer's Worst Movie Experiences of 2015

          

Although it was a great year for movies in 2015, I did come across some not-so-good ones in the batch. So, with that, I'll start with a poem:

Below are the duds ...
The turds. The failures, flops and busts. 
The worsts. The washouts, lemons and mutts. 
The dumbest, stupidest films that flashed before my eyes. 
The two hours plus that I'll never get back alive. 

Enjoy the following (in no particular order), compliments of my evil movie-going doppelgänger Twitter feed: One-Sentence Movie Review

Get Hard

'Get Hard': This Ferrell/Hart anti-PC, going-to-prison comedy starts out fully erect, but gets a little limp towards the end. @gethardmovie

— 1SentenceMovieReview (@EimerFilmReview) December 9, 2015

The Giver

'@thegivermovie': This film serves as proof that some great American literary novels should not be made into films.

— 1SentenceMovieReview (@EimerFilmReview) February 2, 2015

Before I Go To Sleep

'@Be4IGotoSleep': Firth & Kidman almost put me to sleep, almost, in this paint-by-numbers insomnia thriller that has more yawns than chills.

— 1SentenceMovieReview (@EimerFilmReview) March 10, 2015

Men, Women & Children

‘Men, Women & Children’: Sappy ensemble piece about the dangers of the internet with lack of story cohesion and a ‘meh’ ending. @MWCMovie

— 1SentenceMovieReview (@EimerFilmReview) February 3, 2015

Vacation

‘#VacationMovie ’: Rusty attempts to recreate the magic of his father's 80's road trip, but doesn't even manage to get out of the garage.

— 1SentenceMovieReview (@EimerFilmReview) December 1, 2015

The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies

‘Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies': I honestly couldn't wait for Bilbo to get back to the shire so this overblown CGI video game could end.

— 1SentenceMovieReview (@EimerFilmReview) October 29, 2015

Dumb and Dumber To

'Dumb And Dumber To:' Showed up to see more of Lloyd & Harry's funny antics, but left with the nostalgia of the original in my mind @DumbTo

— 1SentenceMovieReview (@EimerFilmReview) October 19, 2015

Pixels

'#PIXELSMovie ': Sandler fuses GHOSTBUSTERS with 80's Video Games in hopes of a high score, yet only delivers a quarter's worth of laughs.

— 1SentenceMovieReview (@EimerFilmReview) July 31, 2015

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1 & 2

'@TheHungerGames Mockingjay Pt. 1': Well-acted yet light-on-content, this third film serves as a money-making grab before the final chapter.

— 1SentenceMovieReview (@EimerFilmReview) April 15, 2015

'The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2': Although well acted & directed, it's a yawn-inducing drama with lots of talk & very little action.

— 1SentenceMovieReview (@EimerFilmReview) December 23, 2015

Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

'#AlexanderMovie ': Alexander and the terribly acted, horribly directed, not very well written, very bad #movie .

— 1SentenceMovieReview (@EimerFilmReview) February 20, 2015

LOOKING FOR MORE SHITTY MOVIES?

• Eimer's Worst of 2014
• Eimer's Worst of 2013
• Eimer's Worst of 2012
• Eimer's Worst of 2011
• Eimer's Worst of 2010