Eimer's Worst Movies of 2011

Well, with the good comes the bad, and I've come across a lot of bad this year - even though I try to stay away from the very, very bad films (I'm talking to you Director/Producer Michael Bay and the third Chipmunks sequel).

But, sometimes, thanks to my kids and my blatant stupidity, I toss a movie into the DVD player that I think is going to rock - and it just ends up sucking a big bag of balls in the end.

So, because it's much more fun writing nasty reviews than positive ones, I'd like to share my 10 WORST viewing experiences of 2011.

Keep in mind, I watch a lot of movies on DVD, so the films may be a year or so old. Eh, you get the drift.

Well, what am I waiting for? Let's go:

FAST FIVE
Does not like. What do you get when you mix OCEAN'S 11 with THE ITALIAN JOB and a bunch of terrible actors? A big turd named FAST FIVE! I cannot fathom why, this year, more than one critic tossed this onto their top ten of 2011 lists, which romanced and massaged me enough to actually toss this into my Netflix queue and waste 131 minutes of my precious life. The dialogue was terrible. Just terrible. The action scenes were predictable and dumb (two cars pulling a 10-ton safe through the streets of Rio taking hair-pin turns and not messing up their cars one bit? Really?), the plot, a slightly tweaked version of OCEAN'S 11, was ludicrous. Ludicrous I say! Screenwriters Chris Morgan and Gary Scott Thompson even had the stones to steal the character personas from Danny Ocean's suave crime syndicate. Look, I semi-enjoyed the first FAST & THE FURIOUS for what it was...a movie that entertained all the gear heads out there with fast cars and loose women. I stayed away from the other installments as a personal protest against bad films. Now, who's the sucker? Curse you paid-off critics! Curse you! Not only for insulting my intelligence, but for sucking me back into this terrible, terrible franchise.

THE DILEMMA
If the trailer for this film has piqued your curosity, just a warning that you're going to watch a totally different film. It's not a goofy comedy. It's bordlerine drama. Plus, it's not that funny. Even Vince Vaughn's interesting little tantrums and speeches couldn't transform my frown into a smile. Not much more to say. Wasted acting. Wasted talent. Wasted script. Wasted movie. Save your 112 minutes, because you'll never get it back. NEVER!

GULLIVER'S TRAVELS
Although my kid's loved it, this movie did absolutely nothing for me. Granted, a 39-year old father is probably not the demographic that the producers were trying to grab for this film. I just felt everyone was sleepwalking through this movie to make a simple buck. Nobody brought their A-game to this film. Shame on director Rob Letterman for creating this tripe. Rent TIME BANDITS or GOONIES instead. Those two movies are a much bigger fantasy bang for your buck - and your time.

WRECKED
This movie was 45 minutes too long, even considering the fact that I fast-forwarded through about half of it. WRECKED is a like a failed Gus Van Sant experimental movie. I was bored, bored, bored as hell. Here's my idea for the perfect fix, have Adrien Brody's character actually have flashbacks during the movie. Little tiny snippets a' la MOMENTO where he starts to finally realize how and why he wrecked and who in the hell those people are in the car. Was this movie a good idea? Hell, it's a great idea. Just poor direction. Poor screenplay. And, worst of all, a very boring movie. It's a pity, because I had very high hopes for this film after reading all of the review.

GROWN-UPS
Oh man was I excited when I saw the line-up: Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, Rob Schneider, David Spade and Kevin James as five childhood pals who reunite after 30 years to mourn the loss of their old basketball coach. Boy was I wrong! How is it possible to have such comedic talents and garner such few laughs. Terrible script. Terrible direction. Just a bad movie all around. Yes, the pee turning blue in the pool was funny. But do you really want to waste 2 hours of your life waiting for the one joke that you saw in the trailers? Such a pity. Man this one sucked ass.

13 ASSASSINS
I had high hopes for this film, but it all just fell very, very flat - and I'm a fan of Takashi Miike. It seems like the first part was basically samurai sitting and talking, sitting and talking with a tiny bit of sadistic torture tossed into the mix. The second half picked up a bit, but by that time, I was yawning and looking at my watch. It sucks that I had such a terrible viewing experience for a film that I've been anticipating for quite some time.

THE REEF
Meh, didn't really do it for me. Look, this film was heads and tails above the other low indie shark movie OPEN WATER. The characters were more likable. The cinematography was a bit better and the plot, well, it still reaked of JAWS 4 - a serial killer shark is hunting the ocean for the only perceived food source in hundreds of hundreds of miles. Like I said, it was entertaining enough, but it just felt redundant and stale. Australian accents can't even pull this rank chum out of the 2-star dumpster.

BARNEY'S VERSION
Sure Paul Giamatti was great. But, after watching this movie, two things came to mind. First off it was waaaay too long. Secondly, it reminded me of MR. SATURDAY NIGHT starring Billy Crystal (with waaay better make-up of course). There just seemed to be too many plot points stirring around in this soup that, at the end of the film, I was scratching my head. Not that I didn't have answers. It just felt like it was a blah ending. I don't know, people are giving this movie five stars and praising everything about it. The acting is good. The editing, script and direction are the real culprits in this film.

RED HILL
Sometimes when I toss in a movie that I know nothing about, I sit back and wonder to myself This may be the next RESERVOIR DOGS or PULP FICTION or DONNIE DARKO. Well, this isnt anyone of them. As we were watching the Aborigine man chase down white guy after white guy my wife screamed out "Buncha pussies! Why don't they fight back?" Well, theres a reason and you have to wait to the very end to find out why. Yes, this is an okay nice revenge, twist tale. But its not as fantastic as everyone has made it out to be. Nothing great. Okay acting. Okay idea. Okay direction. In two words...just okay.

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 2
Meh. I was a fan of the original. Plus, when I heard Director Tod Williams (DOOR IN THE FLOOR) signed on for this sequel, I was doubly excited. With exception to better acting than the original, I can honestly say that I was expecting a bit more. Don't worry, you'll get your share of out of your seat suspense. But, I thought the storyline and the ultimate end was a bit milquetoast for me. Even with a little baby thrown into the scary mix, consider me underwhelmed. Rent the original for more scares and creepiness.

If you like these crappy movies, check out more of my worst movies of last year below:

• Eimer's Worst Movies of 2010

Eimer’s Top 10 Worst Films of 2010

No need to write an intro paragraph to this entry. You get the gist.

PLEASE NOTE: I didn't attach any IMDB info on this one because, frankly, this an announcement to the masses to save your money - and your time.

Consider yourself warned:

The Last Exorcism (2010)
Lots of potential, but basically a flat fart in the end. It's THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT with a possessed kid instead of a witch. You have your film crew. You have your main character talking to the camera. You have your cinematographer. Blah. Blah. Blah. I read about the 'crazy' ending. But, it's all bogus. The whole movie is a sham to get little teenybopper girls to the theaters and scream into their boyfriends arms. In this case, you'll be screaming - for your money back and your 87 minutes back. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.

Leaves of Grass (2009)
Meh. If you're into acting performances, the only reason to check out this film is to see Ed Norton play indentical twins from the opposite ends of the spectrum (a' la Cage in ADAPTATION). I had high hopes for this film from Actor/Director/Writer Tim Blake Nelson. But this film just didn't know what it wanted to be. A black comedy? A drama? A crime thriller. In my opinion, with so many great comedic actors (including Dreyfuss), he should have stuck the comedy route.

Date Night (2010)
Oh man. This movie was bad. Once again Hollywood insults the intelligence of couples who are seemingly too timid and too stupid to handle the big city simply because they live in the suburbs. But that's not my biggest gripe. It's sad watching Carell and Fey try to deliver unfunny lines through a seemingly unfunny script. I feel for them. It's a pity, because I had high hopes for this film that wanted to be everything (i.e. comedy, action-adventure, drama and romance), but instead turned into 88 minutes of nothing. Skip this. You've been warned.

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps (2010)
Meh. I'm not sure what I was expecting from this film, but it definitely wasn't this. I figured out what was going to happen in the end about 15 minutes into the film. Speaking of the ending, it was a big block of Hollywood cheese. Why not make it true to Gordon Gecko's character instead of trying to accomodate the American masses who desire a happy ending of their films? A brief cameo from original WALL STREET actor Charlie Sheen reminded me of what was so great about the original film, and not so great about this film. Oliver Stone sold out and should be very ashamed of this end product.


Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans (2009)
Meh. Interesting concept: to have a different Bad Lieutenant movie for each major city directed by a different director. However, this one falls flat. Nic Cage isn't bad enough. Plus, he sort of transforms into a drunken, buzzed-up Jimmy Stewart for the second-half of the film. I was expecting more from Werner Herzog. Plus, what the heck is Val Kilmer doing nowadays? He's been reduced to a supporting character role.

The Human Centipede: First Sequence (2009) 
Whoa Nelly! Watching this movie is like running a horrific half-marathon...with your eyes. 95% of the people that read this review will be turned off by this movie. Its torture horror at its finest (or worst). If you think youre in the other 5% group, then check er out. I don't think I'll ever watch this mess of a movie again. It's an interesting idea, but the director didn't really didnt think his creation through in how the centipede would actually obtain nourishment. If you watch the movie, youll see what I mean. Scratch that, don't watch it.

Bronson (2008)
To be brutally honest (no pun intended), I wasn't feeling this film at all. I wanted to, especially after reading the positive critical reviews. I really, really wanted to like this movie. But, in the back of my mind, I felt that this movie had been made before. Then I remembered Eric Bana's acting debut CHOPPER, which tells the same type of story as this flick, but is ten times better. I understand this was on a lot of top 10 lists and all that jazz. But I just felt this movie was all retread.

Jennifer's Body (2009)
Cliche. Cliche. Cliche. Blech. Just like Rob Zombie's HALLOWEEN, plenty of bark, but no bite. Even cutey-pie Megan Fox and a snarky script by Oscar-winning screenwriter Diablo Cody (Juno) can't pull this horror movie demon/dracula/zombie high-school murder retread out of the 2-star dumpster. Rent Sam Raimi's DRAG ME TO HELL instead. It's a far superior film compared to this piece of poo. Next.

A Perfect Getaway (2009)
The more I think about this movie, the more I'm positive I'm not going to remember it in two years. Heck, even two months. Great cinematography. But that's about it. Everyone will swoon over the twist ending. But it's more of a twist middle. The rest of the movie is all Scooby Doo or should I say Scooby Pooh. (ha! I'm funny) Timothy Olyphant acts like a poor-man's Bill Paxton. I'm also convinced the other actors signed on the dotted line for an excuse to film a movie in Hawaii. I loved Twohy's PITCH BLACK, but none of his movies since have cut the mustard for me. Like I said, meh. But, hey, at least there's some hints of nudity to keep you entertained. I said hints.

The Box (2009)
Meh. I think the whole idea of Richard Matheson's short story was the fact that the reader wasn't sure why the box and the button was happening to this specific couple. In the film version, Director/Writer Richard Kelly leaves no stone unturned in telling us his thoughts on The Box and the mysterious man. To be honest, I'm pretty sure I didn't want to know. Matheson's story is, arguably, one of the finest horror short stories ever written. Kelly bastardizes this chilling story into a SOUTHLAND TALES-type conspiracy theory that threatens the very fabric of our existence. Too much information in this overblown, overhyped movie. Which begs the questions, is Kelly a one-hit wonder?


Next Monday: Eimer's Best Reads of 2010.