What's in a Fantasy Football name? Everything!

So, one of my guilty pleasures for the past three years has been fantasy football.

In the past, I guffawed at all the football nerds who painstakingly reviewed stats, receptions, rushes and tackles to compose the greatest team ever assembled of that particular year.

Personally, I thought it was an effort in futility. A long, drawn-out time-waster that takes place between life and death. However, I digress. After begrudgingly joining my good buddy Matt's league, I've found myself enjoying pro football and fantasy football much, much more.

In the past, I was a dedicated college football fan with only one eye open when it comes to pro football. Now, I find myself scouring and scanning all of the pro games on Sunday night seeing if any, or all, of my players excelled in their particular positions.

So, with all of the pro players doing the work, I think the one thing that truly stands out and shouts your originality in this faux world is the name of your Fantasy Football Team.

A good fantasy football team name should evoke emotions. It should show your creative side, while attempting to scare the crap out of your Sunday opponent.

What's more scary than a disease? Nothing, I say.

That's why, in the past, I've decided to go with chronic diseases as my FF team names. Instestinal Flu, Clogged Instestines and Chronic Diabetes have been some of my favorites. However, last year, I think I topped myself by going with Tinea Cruris - the scientific name for jock itch.

Other past names include Zombie Toolshed, Creeping Death, Wheeling River Rat and FALCO, named after the popular 'Amadeus' singer/songwriter.

This year, I went the nostalgic route and chose Sweep The Leg- a head nod to one of my favorite guilty pleasure movies of all time: The Karate Kid.

If you're unaware of the scene in which I speak, watch below (if you're impatient, fast forward to the 5:28 mark):



So, there you have it. In my opinion, Sweep The Leg epitomizes what I'm trying to do to my opponent...sneak up on them and surprise them with a cheap shot that they didn't see coming. Then, like a little sissy, I run home in a full sprint and stand behind my mom who's holding a big-ass wooden rolling pin.

Yeah, it's sort of cold, and a little childish, but who fucking cares. It's Fantasy Football - Dungeons and Dragons for washed-up jocks. (except for me!)

Now, I'm curious. If you were geek enough to have a fantasy football team, what's the best name you've ever used - or seen?

Monday (Semi) Sports Rant

BUCKEYES BABY
Wow. After Illinois defeated the Buckeyes at home. I thought to myself, "Oh well, we'll beat Michigan and go on to the Rose Bowl." I was content to watch the Buckeyes shut up all the naysayers and plant a foot up USC's ass this year. Plus, it was a New Year's bowl game, which I prefer instead of waiting until Monday, January 7. On the flip side, I think it's great the Buckeyes are - once again - playing for a National Championship. I can't believe Missouri and WVU lost on Saturday. I've never used the 'LAST' button on my remote control more than flipping between those two games. That said, I watched a couple interviews with LSU Head Coach Les Miles after last night's announcement. Don't know about you, but the guy seems a bit cocky to me. Sort of reminds me of Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis before he got his ass handed to him 34-20 in the Fiesta Bowl a couple years back. Here's what I think. Ohio State will kick Les's ass at LSU. Then, when he takes the coaching job at Michigan next year, the Bucks will kick Les's ass again at Ohio Stadium. Keep talking Les. Keep talking.

BCS, CONTINUED.
Does Ohio State deserve to be in the Championship game? Probably. However, I do think there's another team that deserves the right even before the Bucks and that's Hawaii. How is it possible to go undefeated in your regular season and not play in the national championship? Must be hard, because no other team in the Division I rankings has done it this year except Hawaii. "Strength of schedule, dude!" Yeah. Yeah. Whatever. If you go by that defense, then, with the exception of playing Penn State, Purdue and Michigan, Ohio State has no right in the championship game either. And I'm not even counting the loss to Illinois, who were unranked at the time. (Just being honest, here). If we're not going to mimic Division II and III and have a playoff system (which seems to work well in those divisions) I say we just go back to the old bowl way and let all the good college team play on New Year's Day. I used to love that shit. What better way to judge the year's best teams than watching them all the same day? Then - like the Heisman trophy is decided - let the polls, coaches and sportswriters decide. Seems like it would work better than the current BCS system.

R.I.P. EVEL KNIEVEL
Everyone has their favorite Evel moment. For my brother and I, it was when he jumped the pool of sharks. After we watched that show, I remember going outside, building bike ramps with plywood and bricks and jumping various things, even each other. There were many movies, people and television shows that fed our hopes and dreams of being professional stuntmen. Evel Knievel stood high atop the list. The man was an inspiration for an entire generation of wannabe backyard daredevils. He'll be missed, but his legacy will live on at many state and county fairs around the country.

THE PATRIOTS, NFL AND FF.
Well, I finished 12th out of 13th in my Fantasy Football league. I'm just not cut out for this stuff. I went online and checked out various FF tips and tactics. Nothing has worked. One guy on our team has every Patriots player imaginable. He lost one game, which coincidentally, was the Patriots bye week. FAG. In any event, I think it would be really, really funny if A.) The Jets beat the Patriots in the final game of the season. B.) The Patriots lose in the Superbowl. Ha. Ha. Look, I said in a previous entry that it was fun watching the Pats kick everyone's ass. Now I'm not so sure. Seems like everyone is on the bandwagon. Hell, I've seen fresh Patriots bumper stickers on cars across Northeast Ohio. I saw about 10 or 15 people wearing Patriots jerseys at the mall yesterday. Before you ask, yes I went to the mall yesterday (I took my daughter to see Santa). But it was in Cleveland!! What happened to city pride mother fuckers. If you ask me, this whole thing is getting sort of lame. I'm going a complete 180 on this. I think it's time for the Patriots to lose.

DOES ANYBODY CARE ABOUT THE NBA?
Look, right now, I could care less about the NBA. Even the Cleveland Cavaliers. I think the NBA season is too long. Seriously, nobody starts to care about NBA basketball until after the fourth quarter of the Superbowl in February. Here's my idea. Tip off the season in January and play three games a week until the end of March. Then, have a playoff that lasts until the end of April. That's it. Period. Season over.

THE WIRE
The Wire is, by far, one of the best dramatic television series I've seen. Ever. It's well written. Well directed. And well acted. I shit you not, the acting is top notch. Even better than Six Feet Under, The Sopranos , NYPD Blue and M*A*S*H combined. If you've never seen an episode, I suggest you rent Season 1 and go from there. The series takes place in Baltimore. It covers the corruption, the drug trade, the dockworkers, the schools and the cops that are trying to fight crime in this decaying city. Good stuff. I'm surprised this series hasn't been nominated for any Emmys. I guess mainstream America can't handle the content. Bunch a pussies!

GARGOYLES
I work in downtown Cleveland. After watching the movie Transformers, I find myself glancing up in the sky and watching for debris - in particular cement gargoyles - falling from the buildings due to the Autobots and Decepticons battling for supremacy in the city.

I HATE CHRISTMAS
Well, I really don't hate Christmas, per se. I like the lights. I like the Christmas Tree part of it. I like the songs. I like the cartoons. Come to think of it, I guess I like Christmas. I just hate the buying. The pressure to buy a gift for a loved one is out of this world. And in the end, you're basically just exchanging gift cards for the same price. That's why, this year, I told my family I'm not getting them anything. And I told my fiance I'm not getting her anything, either (Yeah, that's right mother fucker!). In fact, the only people we're buying for this year are A.) Our kids and B.) Nieces and nephews. I think it should be a law that, during Christmas, the only people you should buy for are kids 18-and-under. Period.

Come to think of it, I do hate Christmas.

We're Talking Sports....Again!

Below are some quick reactions to the past week and upcoming week in sports:

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
This team seems a little bit pissed off about getting busted for stealing opposing team's defensive signals. And it seems like they're taking out their frustration on every team in the NFL. And I'm talking everyone. The Patriots are 6-0 and they've outscored opponents by a 230-92 margin. Before each game, I picture everyone in the Patriots locker room stone silent and pissed. No one is talking. No one is making jokes. Everyone is just focused on the game at hand - and did I mention they're pissed. Heck, I betcha that Bill Belichick hasn't had to give the team a pre-game pep talk all season long. He just opens up the door and they run out and go to work. Wouldn't it be funny if they made the playoffs and lost in the first round to a wild card team? Well, I think it would be.

FANTASY FOOTBALL
Speaking of Tom Brady and Randy Moss. If you had these two guys on your roster, you could opt not to play the rest of your Fantasy team and still have a good chance of winning . Seriously. These guys are racking up a combined 60-70 fantasy points each week. By the way, I'm dead last in my Fantasy Football league. I have no fucking clue what I'm doing. By the end of the season, more than likely, I'll have zero players that I started with from Week One. Plus, I'm getting beat by two women who basically chose their players based on the player's good looks, favorite mascots and pretty team colors. Flush another $20 down the toilet.

OHIO STATE
Like I said before, I truly thought this was going to be a down year for the Buckeyes. Then again I thought the same thing about the 2002 National Champion Buckeyes as well. The amazing thing is - with the exception of the first half against Washington - there hasn't been a close game yet. The defense is stunning - even without Laurinaitis at linebacker. But after Michigan State this week, Ohio State is traveling to Penn State (remember the white out?) and has games against Illinois, Wisconsin and - of course - on the road at Michigan. Remember what I said about Michigan? Right now, they're undefeated in the Big Ten. But that was before Mike Hart screwed up his ankle. And, although Hart's said he's going to play this week, I'm curious how they'll do on the road against Illinois.

COLORADO ROCKIES & OLD PEOPLE
After seeing the old, retiree codgers root on the Diamondbacks by sitting on their hands during game one of NLCS not to mention almost 4,000 tickets going unsold for that particular game in Arizona, I'm happy the Colorado Rockies (21-1 in their last 22 games) are going to the World Series. Which leads me to believe they should have some sort of senior citizen seating at all sporting events - in particular for the big games (i.e. Michigan/Ohio State, Yankeees/Red Sox etc.). From college football and basketball to the NBA, NHL and NFL even high school sports - if you're old and you don't want to stand up and cheer for your team, you get sequestered to the 'senior section' where you can sit on your ass with like-minded people and bitch about the noise all game long.

CLEVELAND INDIANS & CLEVELAND BROWNS
I wasn't really a fan of either team before I moved to Cleveland. But I've watched every Indians game since the playoffs begun. And it's been a blast. Plus, on Sunday, I never thought the phrase "How did the Browns do?" would ever be uttered from my mouth. Of course, it's after I ask "Did the Steelers win?". With the Cavs making the championship last year, the underdog Indians up 2-1 against the Red Sox in ALCS and the Browns at 3-3 heading into their bye week, this is as good as time as any to be a sports fan who happens to live in Cleveland.

MARTINS FERRY PURPLE RIDERS VS. BELLAIRE BIG REDS
My family still lives in Martins Ferry, Ohio. And this game is like Ohio State vs. Michigan or Yankees vs. Red Sox for the Ohio Valley. Both towns literally shut down when this game is being played. What's equally amazing is how much hatred my brother has for the city of Bellaire. A couple years ago I went to this game with my brother. Before the band came out he started heckling the other team's fans and kept it going through haltime and all the way to final buzzer. If a Bellaire fan would walk by, he'd start to spit venom:"Get out of our fucking stadium!", "That's right. Keep walking." and "Bellaire fucking sucks!" All the while he's holding up his middle finger to anyone in a red and black jersey - even grade school kids. He didn't care. I haven't seen that much passion since my best friend spit in the face of some Gulf War protestors in college back in 1991. That said, this year's matchup (on Oct. 27) is going to be more for bragging rights. Martins Ferry just got shellacked by St. Clairsville and Indian Creek and are definitely out of postseason contention. On the flip side, the Big Reds are an embarrasing 0-8.

You know, I can't wait to make take my kids to the Ferry/Bellaire football game when they're a little bit older. Heck, if anything, my brother will teach them how to give the middle finger to Bellaire fans..

Questions? Comments? Remarks? Tell me what you think?