Eimertoons: Roger Goodell

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What's in a Fantasy Football name? Everything!

So, one of my guilty pleasures for the past three years has been fantasy football.

In the past, I guffawed at all the football nerds who painstakingly reviewed stats, receptions, rushes and tackles to compose the greatest team ever assembled of that particular year.

Personally, I thought it was an effort in futility. A long, drawn-out time-waster that takes place between life and death. However, I digress. After begrudgingly joining my good buddy Matt's league, I've found myself enjoying pro football and fantasy football much, much more.

In the past, I was a dedicated college football fan with only one eye open when it comes to pro football. Now, I find myself scouring and scanning all of the pro games on Sunday night seeing if any, or all, of my players excelled in their particular positions.

So, with all of the pro players doing the work, I think the one thing that truly stands out and shouts your originality in this faux world is the name of your Fantasy Football Team.

A good fantasy football team name should evoke emotions. It should show your creative side, while attempting to scare the crap out of your Sunday opponent.

What's more scary than a disease? Nothing, I say.

That's why, in the past, I've decided to go with chronic diseases as my FF team names. Instestinal Flu, Clogged Instestines and Chronic Diabetes have been some of my favorites. However, last year, I think I topped myself by going with Tinea Cruris - the scientific name for jock itch.

Other past names include Zombie Toolshed, Creeping Death, Wheeling River Rat and FALCO, named after the popular 'Amadeus' singer/songwriter.

This year, I went the nostalgic route and chose Sweep The Leg- a head nod to one of my favorite guilty pleasure movies of all time: The Karate Kid.

If you're unaware of the scene in which I speak, watch below (if you're impatient, fast forward to the 5:28 mark):



So, there you have it. In my opinion, Sweep The Leg epitomizes what I'm trying to do to my opponent...sneak up on them and surprise them with a cheap shot that they didn't see coming. Then, like a little sissy, I run home in a full sprint and stand behind my mom who's holding a big-ass wooden rolling pin.

Yeah, it's sort of cold, and a little childish, but who fucking cares. It's Fantasy Football - Dungeons and Dragons for washed-up jocks. (except for me!)

Now, I'm curious. If you were geek enough to have a fantasy football team, what's the best name you've ever used - or seen?

Monday (Semi) Sports Rant

BUCKEYES BABY
Wow. After Illinois defeated the Buckeyes at home. I thought to myself, "Oh well, we'll beat Michigan and go on to the Rose Bowl." I was content to watch the Buckeyes shut up all the naysayers and plant a foot up USC's ass this year. Plus, it was a New Year's bowl game, which I prefer instead of waiting until Monday, January 7. On the flip side, I think it's great the Buckeyes are - once again - playing for a National Championship. I can't believe Missouri and WVU lost on Saturday. I've never used the 'LAST' button on my remote control more than flipping between those two games. That said, I watched a couple interviews with LSU Head Coach Les Miles after last night's announcement. Don't know about you, but the guy seems a bit cocky to me. Sort of reminds me of Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis before he got his ass handed to him 34-20 in the Fiesta Bowl a couple years back. Here's what I think. Ohio State will kick Les's ass at LSU. Then, when he takes the coaching job at Michigan next year, the Bucks will kick Les's ass again at Ohio Stadium. Keep talking Les. Keep talking.

BCS, CONTINUED.
Does Ohio State deserve to be in the Championship game? Probably. However, I do think there's another team that deserves the right even before the Bucks and that's Hawaii. How is it possible to go undefeated in your regular season and not play in the national championship? Must be hard, because no other team in the Division I rankings has done it this year except Hawaii. "Strength of schedule, dude!" Yeah. Yeah. Whatever. If you go by that defense, then, with the exception of playing Penn State, Purdue and Michigan, Ohio State has no right in the championship game either. And I'm not even counting the loss to Illinois, who were unranked at the time. (Just being honest, here). If we're not going to mimic Division II and III and have a playoff system (which seems to work well in those divisions) I say we just go back to the old bowl way and let all the good college team play on New Year's Day. I used to love that shit. What better way to judge the year's best teams than watching them all the same day? Then - like the Heisman trophy is decided - let the polls, coaches and sportswriters decide. Seems like it would work better than the current BCS system.

R.I.P. EVEL KNIEVEL
Everyone has their favorite Evel moment. For my brother and I, it was when he jumped the pool of sharks. After we watched that show, I remember going outside, building bike ramps with plywood and bricks and jumping various things, even each other. There were many movies, people and television shows that fed our hopes and dreams of being professional stuntmen. Evel Knievel stood high atop the list. The man was an inspiration for an entire generation of wannabe backyard daredevils. He'll be missed, but his legacy will live on at many state and county fairs around the country.

THE PATRIOTS, NFL AND FF.
Well, I finished 12th out of 13th in my Fantasy Football league. I'm just not cut out for this stuff. I went online and checked out various FF tips and tactics. Nothing has worked. One guy on our team has every Patriots player imaginable. He lost one game, which coincidentally, was the Patriots bye week. FAG. In any event, I think it would be really, really funny if A.) The Jets beat the Patriots in the final game of the season. B.) The Patriots lose in the Superbowl. Ha. Ha. Look, I said in a previous entry that it was fun watching the Pats kick everyone's ass. Now I'm not so sure. Seems like everyone is on the bandwagon. Hell, I've seen fresh Patriots bumper stickers on cars across Northeast Ohio. I saw about 10 or 15 people wearing Patriots jerseys at the mall yesterday. Before you ask, yes I went to the mall yesterday (I took my daughter to see Santa). But it was in Cleveland!! What happened to city pride mother fuckers. If you ask me, this whole thing is getting sort of lame. I'm going a complete 180 on this. I think it's time for the Patriots to lose.

DOES ANYBODY CARE ABOUT THE NBA?
Look, right now, I could care less about the NBA. Even the Cleveland Cavaliers. I think the NBA season is too long. Seriously, nobody starts to care about NBA basketball until after the fourth quarter of the Superbowl in February. Here's my idea. Tip off the season in January and play three games a week until the end of March. Then, have a playoff that lasts until the end of April. That's it. Period. Season over.

THE WIRE
The Wire is, by far, one of the best dramatic television series I've seen. Ever. It's well written. Well directed. And well acted. I shit you not, the acting is top notch. Even better than Six Feet Under, The Sopranos , NYPD Blue and M*A*S*H combined. If you've never seen an episode, I suggest you rent Season 1 and go from there. The series takes place in Baltimore. It covers the corruption, the drug trade, the dockworkers, the schools and the cops that are trying to fight crime in this decaying city. Good stuff. I'm surprised this series hasn't been nominated for any Emmys. I guess mainstream America can't handle the content. Bunch a pussies!

GARGOYLES
I work in downtown Cleveland. After watching the movie Transformers, I find myself glancing up in the sky and watching for debris - in particular cement gargoyles - falling from the buildings due to the Autobots and Decepticons battling for supremacy in the city.

I HATE CHRISTMAS
Well, I really don't hate Christmas, per se. I like the lights. I like the Christmas Tree part of it. I like the songs. I like the cartoons. Come to think of it, I guess I like Christmas. I just hate the buying. The pressure to buy a gift for a loved one is out of this world. And in the end, you're basically just exchanging gift cards for the same price. That's why, this year, I told my family I'm not getting them anything. And I told my fiance I'm not getting her anything, either (Yeah, that's right mother fucker!). In fact, the only people we're buying for this year are A.) Our kids and B.) Nieces and nephews. I think it should be a law that, during Christmas, the only people you should buy for are kids 18-and-under. Period.

Come to think of it, I do hate Christmas.

The Sears Catalog....My Christmas Bible.

It was a couple weeks before Thanksgiving in the early 80's. My dad, brother and I were outside playing Steelers football on a crisp, cool Saturday afternoon. I was John Stalworth. My brother Terry Bradshaw. I guess that would make my dad Chuck Knoll.

We kept replaying that scene in the fourth quarter of Superbowl XIV when Bradshaw took a snap, faked a handoff, and then threw a pass to Stallworth who, without breaking stride made a clutch catch in the middle of the field and took it all the way to the endzone for a 73-yard go-ahead touchdown.

The 'Stillers' (as we called them in the Ohio Valley) took the lead over the Rams and, ultimately, the Superbowl victory.

After going through that same exact play for the 100th time or so, a familiar green car came rolling down the hill and slowed down as it reached our house. We knew who it was. The country mailman.

When I was a kid, one of the most exciting things was getting the mail. In my opinion, when you're old enough to get the mail, you feel like you're contributing somewhat to the family. It's one of the special moments that makes you feel like an adult. But, not too much of an adult if you get my drift.

As the ball dropped from my hand, we slowly started walking over to the mailbox. Our mouths agape like zombie extras from Night of the Living Dead.

On this particular Saturday, the mailman was taking a little longer than usual, which could only mean one thing. He was packing our mailbox with a ton of extra goodies.

After he went on his way, the starting pistol sounded and the race had begun. Battling for space, my brother and I hightailed our way across the road to retrieve the treasure that lay inside our banged-up, black mailbox.

The handle was within my reach. But, as I grasped the handle, my brother pushed a hand to my face and belted in front of me. "Asshole," I yelled to my brother who returned my sour grapes with a shit-eating, Cheshire grin.

He opened the lid, reached deep inside the cylinderical, metal box and pulled out the pirate booty. A couple bills. A direct mail piece. Our country newsletter The Colerain Times.

It was a good haul by Saturday mail standards. Except, on this particular day, there was more.

"Look," I screamed at the top of my lungs. "You missed something."

Looking like Sam Jones sticking his hand into the alien rock pit in the movie Flash Gordon, I reached into the darkness of the mailbox and felt something big. Something important. Something fantastic.

As I hoisted the mysterious prisoner from its captivity, all was silent as we feasted our eyes upon:

The Sears Great American Christmas Wish Book.

It was 1,000 pages (or so it seemed) of Christmas possibilities published inside one dream catalog.

Now, before the internet. Before thousands of television channels and commercials. Before strip malls. Even before Walmart and Toys R' Us, The Sears Christmas Wish Book was our only Christmas link to the outside world of toys and fun.

It was the only way could get our fix on the latest and greatest toys of the holiday season.

It had every new toy. Every piece of NFL clothing. Every Atari video game. Every outdoor sports supply incuding sleds, balls, bats and kickballs. Basically, it had everything a kid could possibly wish for under the tree.

This book would be our Christmas Bible for the next month or so. We would eat dinner with it while sifting through the pages. We would dissect the latest and greatest new Stars Wars toys before school. We would take it into the rest room and read it for hours as we grunted and groaned on the toilet. In less than a week, it would have those white thumbprint smudges at the edges from turning the pages so much. We would circle, then recircle, every possible item that we wanted Santa to bring us under the tree.

On Christmas Eve, we would both finger through one last time before we went to bed, and pray to Santa Claus that our Toy Wishes would come true.

Which brings me back one particular Christmas involving NFL football and the Pittsburgh Steelers, which I'll talk about tomorrow.

Michael Mann's Nike Commercial

What do high-powered directors do when they're not filming movies? They direct television commercials, of course.

Film Director Michael Mann (Miami Vice, Ali, Heat, The Insider) revisited the small screen of television and made the following commercial for NIKE Football:



Not sure why he decided to do this commercial. Maybe it was to test new technology for one of his upcoming movies - Frankie Machine or The Few. Maybe it was to make a couple bucks. Maybe because he was bored. Whatever the reason, I'm thoroughly impressed.

Set to the music of the final chase scene in The Last of the Mohicans, Mann pretty much brings across the intensity, the passion and the aggression involved in with pro football. Thanks, in part, to the 'acting' of Shawn Merriman (San Diego Chargers)and Steven Jackson (St. Louis Rams).

I'm not sure about you, but after viewing this commercial, I got goose bumps. Then I wanted to suit up, run out of my house and tackle someone in my neighborhood. Anyone. Then do it again. And again. And again. All the way down the streeet...to the police station.

For a more high-definition video of the commercial, visit Nike's site right here.

Does anyone out there know who did the cinematography? I visited a number of site and can't seem to find out who filmed the thing. I'm just curious if it's someone from the agency that produced the commercial or Mann's choice such as long-time collaborator Donte Spinotti.

Yes, It's Another Sports Rant!

Just wanted to touch base on a couple sportscentric rants running around my brain:

New England Patriots
Well, here I thought the pussification of man came down to men shopping at Pottery Barn. But, when you have coaches and players bitching that an NFL team is running up the score on your NFL team, well I think the Pussification of Man starts....right.... now. Even though I'm not a fan, I love the fact that the Patriots are making every NFL team their proverbial whipping boy this season. I think this is exciting for football. Plus, it puts a gleam in the eye of football-playing kids around the United States. I mean, do you know how many kids are completing Brady-to-Moss pass patterns in their backyard as we speak? This brings back memories of when I was 13-years-old and the 1985 Chicago Bears dismantled the competition all the while singing the Superbowl Shuffle (and that was even before they made the playoffs!). That's why I think it's amusing that 250-pound football players are whining because the Patriots are running up the score. Boo Freaking Hoo. Next thing you know NFL teams, coaches and players will start to sue other teams for running up the score. Is all of America turning into a bunch of fucking cry-babies? Wahhh. Wahhh. Wahhh. You know what I say to all those cry-baby millionaires? Shut the fuck up, toss the loss in your memory banks and kick their ass next year. Oh yeah, and why don't you play fucking better football, you pussies.

2007 World Series
After watching the Boston Red Sox humiliate the Colorado Rockies in a 4-0 World Series sweep last night. (Okay, truthfully I didn't watch it. Did you?) You wonder what the Cleveland Indians would have done with this creampuff of a team. And to think that the Injuns were only one game away from winning it all.

Ohio State Buckeyes
Well. Well. Well. Looks like everyone is starting to talk about the Ohio State/Michigan game once again. Not me. Because as I've stated before in previous rants, I knew all along how important this upcoming game was going to be. And, even though there's a couple more games to play, I'm still sticking to my guns, suckers. Ohio State has a couple big games down the stretch (Illinois and Wisconsin), but it's all going to come down the noon kickoff on Saturday Nov. 17 at the Big House. With Carr's future on the line, not to mention Buckeyes bragging rights, it's going to be a barn-burner. Ech! I can't believe I said that.

Pittsburgh Steelers and Fantasy Football.
Like an idiot I benched Hines Ward this week in favor of Santonio Holmes and Antwaan Randle El. It almost cost me a win. Lesson learned. In my opinion, the Steelers only have two big games before they clinch a playoff berth - this week against Baltimore and next week against Cleveland. Sure the Browns are okay this year and it's fun to watch them win for once in a blue moon. But let's be honest, they're not as good as Big Ben, Holmes, Ward, Miller, Parker and the 'Stillers' solid D. I'm looking for two more wins in two more weeks.

National Basketball Association and King James
Even though I live in Cleveland, I'm not even remotely excited for NBA basketball. The season is too long. The postseason is even longer. And everyone up here in Cleveland thinks that Lebron is the cat's meow, which gets a little annoying. There's a little game I play every NBA season up here in Cleveland. And no, it's not BALLING. From now until the end of the season, how many times can you spot a picture of Lebron James in the Cleveland Plain Dealer. It's amazing how many times he's in the paper up here. Boring. Boring. Boring.

Next!

Electric Football
When I was ten years old, I begged and begged my parents for an official NFL Electric Football game for Christmas. Well, my wish was their command and, on December 25th, Santa Claus answered my persistent whining with 100 miniature yards of green shining silver, complete with Eagles and Steelers painted players and a plug. By the end of the week, it joined the other Misfit Toys in the closet right next to my Electronic Battleship and Light Bright. The very next year, we tossed it in a Toys-for-Tots bin at the mall. To this day, I picture some poor kid sitting next to his Charlie Brown Christmas Tree opening up his Toy-for-Tots present and then laying his eyes on my used, slightly scratched, electronic football game with a Ziploc bag full of plastic football players duct-taped to the back. I betcha he still remembers that Christmas as one of his worst. The poor fella.

Big Ten Network Still Sucks
By the way, this Saturday I won't be watching the Buckeyes battle Wisconsin due to the sucky Big Ten Network airing the game. So, instead I'm making my Game Of The Week #5 Oregon vs. #4 Arizona State Saturday night at 6:30 p.m.. Thanks a fucking lot Big Ten Network. You and your stupid network can suck my big, fat hairy balls.