Beer, cigarettes, my kids and demolition derbies.

So there I was. Sunday night. Sitting there staring at Elmo's World with my two kids.

For some reason, my mind reverted back to grade school. It was summer or, to be even more descriptive, possibly Indian Summer. Late September. Early October.

Almost every year in my early childhood, my mom and dad would toss us into the car and drive out to St. Clairsville, Ohio, for the Belmont Country Fair where we would stuff our faces on elephant ears, funnel cakes, corn dogs and freshly squeezed lemonade.

Then, we would go see other fantastic attractions like crappy birdhouses at the 4-H tent, bulls eating hay at the farm tent and older kids busting balloons with darts for Van Halen mirrors on the midway.

On this particular day, however, we didn't come for the funnel cakes or the cows eating hay.

We came for the mother-fuckin' demolition derby!!!!

Now, I'm not sure of the chemical make-up of boys. Or why my brother and I enjoyed destruction as much as we did (or do). But, when we found out we were going to see the demolition derby the night before, we couldn't sleep. It was like Christmas in late August. To top it off, the fact that both our birthdays were in July, we had three Christmases (Christmasi?) every year.

And yes, the demolition derby was awesome. If you're a guy, you totally understand why. There's just something about 20 cars crunching, banging and slamming together that gets a guy really excited. It feels like you're in a fistfight against 50-some guys in a scunched up hallway.

And let's not even talk about the busted windows and exploding radiators.

It's almost as exciting as seeing a lady naked. Butt nekkid.

I said almost.

So there I was watching Elmo's World, staring at my son and daughter running around, doing a jig to the Elmo's World theme song and, in general, just having a good ol' time with life.

Then, for a couple minutes, I found an evil Grinch smile form across my face.

I have a son, and perhaps a daughter, who will wholeheartedly go see a demolition derby with me. And by wholeheartedly, I mean without question. And by without question, I mean forced.

Because, you see, my wife might not be interested in seeing a demolition derby, but goddamn it if my kid's aren't going to go with me.

We'll see. I just may get my youth back yet.

Will the United States Cease to Exist?

Like a lot of people, I read the Drudgereport almost every day. Sometimes two or three times a day. In my opinion, it has all the relevant news that's fit to read from pretty substantial and verifiable news sources.

In any event, I came across this Drudge post about a leading Russian political analyst who believes our country is heading for collapse - and will divide into separate parts.

The article is brief, but interesting nonetheless. It looks like Cormac McCarthy's vision may be coming to fruition in the United States.

All I can say is that I'm glad that I took those hunter-safety courses when I was little. Because I know how to load, clean and shoot any type of gun not to mention field dress an animal for proper cooking.

Hell, if things turn out, I'll be more useful in this new world than a CEO of a major corporation.

Then, when order is restored, I can resume my copywriting career in my late 80's.

Cool. I've been thinking about changing careers anyhow.

Hunter and Gatherer will look awesome on my resume.

The Education of My Kids - Part 2

Last night, I was preparing dinner for my two kids, ages 1.5 and 2.5.

In any event, my daughter was playing with this annoying talking Elmo doll.

My son reached over for it and, in an instant, the Elmo doll flew into the air. In slow motion, it landed on the ground and bounced not once, but twice.

Immediately they both looked up at me with these puppy dog eyes. I guess they wanted me to pick it up or something.

I shook my head and said "No, no. We eat now. Play with Elmo later."
(NOTE: This is how I talk now)

The both started hopping up and down in their seats and howling like a couple of chimpanzees pointing at the talking Elmo doll on the floor.

Honestly, it was a fucking zoo.

"HEY, HEY, HEY," I yelled. "LET'S KNOCK IT OFF!"

The were both silent. I sort of felt a little bad.

I took a deep breath, pulled up a stool, looked them both in the eyes and gave them the following piece of advice....

"You can't always get what you want. You can't always get what you want. No, you can't always get what you want. But if you try sometime, you just might find you get what you need!"

Hmmmm? Not too shabby.

I may have a future as a songwriter.

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The Education of My Kids - Part 1

Holy Shit! Michael Crichton is Dead.

I came across this article announcing the death of Michael Crichton.

Shocker. Not the fact that he's dead. (Everyone dies.) I just never even heard that he was sick.

I've read a handful of his books (some in a single night) including Jurassic Park, Congo, Sphere, Prey and Eaters of the Dead among others.

However, my most favorite Crichton book was his autobiographical adventure novel titled TRAVELS. After achieving everything he wanted in his life by the age of the 30, Crichton went into a bit of a depression. He decided to exorcise his demons by taking a much-needed vacation and, in the process, chronicling his journeys for all of us to read.

Take note from this book (and his death). Live your life to the fullest before - as my friend Brian Z said - you take the eternal dirt nap.

A subtle firing.

If I ever own a company (long shot) and have the opportunity to fire someone that completely pisses me off - this is exactly how I'm going to do it...



Awesome.

The Interpretation of Time Through The Years

As I get older and older, I'm slowly realizing that time moves pretty fucking fast.

But, on the other side of the coin, why does an hour in a waiting room seem so freaking slow when you're six-years old compared to when you're, say, 36-years old?

Very weird, indeed.

Which sparked my mind about a Tom the Dancing Bug cartoon that I came across in the Columbus' Alternative Rag, The Other Paper, waaaaaaay back in 1997.

For some reason, it's stood the test of time inside my brain. And, thanks to the power of the internets, I finally was able to grab a copy online.

Check it out. I'm still not so sure why this strip in particular is so ingrained in my brain compared to all the other great cartoons out there (i.e. Calvin & Hobbes, Hate, The Far Side, Zits, etc.)

Click here for the cartoon.

David Fincher Nike Commercial.

Speaking of David Fincher, check out his new Nike commercial featuring two child athletes turned NFL football players - LaDainian Tomlinson and Troy Polamalu.

The music sounded familiar, but after doing some digging I found out it was a remix of Ennio Marricone's music from the classic Clint Eastwood spahetti western The Good, The Bad and the Ugly.



In any event, is this part two of a three-part Nike football series directed by famous film directors? I wonder who will be next? Quentin Tarantino perhaps?

Nevertheless, I'm still waiting for a series of Nike commercials highlighting the fascinating, fast-paced world of copywriting.