Monday, August 27, 2012

From Genius to Dipshit in One Signature.

Ahh, The roller coaster ride that is life. The peaks and valleys. The knowledge shared. And the knowledge learned.
Oh the places you'll go, and tons of places  that you never imagined you would see.
As I leap into my 40th year on this planet, dear reader, I have a small confession to make. Although I’ve owned plenty of cars and other merchandise, I’ve never owned a home.
Yes, I’m a renter. Whew. That wasn't so bad.

Yep, throughout my college years and beyond, I’ve probably signed about 10+ different renter’s leases in my lifetime.
Truth be told, I’ve never felt the ‘need’ to own a house. It seemed a little scary. A little intimidating. A little set in stone.
I sort of liked the idea that – in less than a month's time - I could pick up stakes and move anywhere in the world that I wanted to move. Puerto Rico. Arizona. New Hampshire. California. Oregon. Any fucking where.

Well, in a couple of weeks, that’s all about to change.

My wife and I have found the perfect home in beautiful (not as rustic) Hudson, Ohio. For the past five years we’ve lived across the valley in Bath, Ohio - former home(s) of Lebron James and Jeffrey Dahmer and, well, now myself.
I've loved living in Bath for the past five years. Great running trails. Fantastic neighbors. And pretty good food. Plus, I’ve had the privilege of having all of the homeowner’s duties minus the headache of a mortgage and repairs.

It’s been really nice.

So, how do I feel about all of this? Well, after I sign my John Hancock on the dotted line about 100 times, I’ll proceed to transform myself from a successful professional in the advertising industry into a pretty fucking, stupid idiot.
Please, let me explain.

In my 40 years on this Earth, I’ve come across a number of knowledge thresholds. Before I entered eighth grade, I thought I knew everything about life. I thought there wasn't anything that I could learn that would help me to make an impact on this Earth.

Nope. I was wrong. In fact, I realized I was pretty dumb.

I also became more dumb the day after my high school graduation. Also, the first quarter of classes at Ohio State. Also, upon my graduation from Ohio State. And, oh yes, also during my first ‘official’ job after college.

Each and every time, I thought I knew everything about life and, like a bad joke, I would be struck down my God himself who would laugh at my overall lack of knowledge at each of these thresholds achieved.
After every achievement comes the fact that you really don’t know jack shit. It's all a facade. And this next stage of Eimer's 'ignorance evolution' is going to be all about home ownership.

You see, most of my other friends and family members have owned homes for years. They’ve gained important DIY (do-it-yourselfer) knowledge like laying tile and hardwood floors, changing toilets, hanging drywall, running electrical cords and even something as simple as putting up a ceiling fan.
With the exception of landscaping, I’m pretty ignorant when it comes to a number of these home ownership-type things. Well, most of them.

But...and this is a big but....I’m willing to learn, which is always a beautiful thing. And, if I ever find myself in a pinch, I'll just look it up on YouTube..they have answers to everything. Or I'll pay a contractor, which is what most websites recommend anyhow.
So, the day after we sign all the paperwork (whenever that may be), my older brother - a home owner for well over 20 years - will accompany me into my new home where we will remove doors, sand and polyurethane hardwood floors, lay carpet, balance the air conditioning unit and, yes, hang ceiling fans.

It’s my orientation, of sorts, into the world of home ownership. It’s my turn to ‘man up’ and take control of these small, but pricey, projects that spawn up around the house. You know, the stuff that I paid a landlord to do on a semi-monthly basis for the past 20+ years.

So, to paraphrase the late, great Neil Armstrong:

"It’s one small step for a new homeowner, one giant leap for the city of Hudson, Ohio."
Eh, fuck that, let's paraphrase Spider-Man:

"With great home ownership comes great responsibility."

Bring it on.

1 comment:

cbrown said...

Dude, just read this; you're probably all settled in and everything's done by now (bwah hah hah).

"Congratulations", nonetheless.