Tuesday, June 12, 2012

One-Sentence Movie Reviews: Vacation Edition

Ahhh, summer rays, the smell of Coconut Oil steaming off a fat-man’s body, the cool drip of water glistening down a can of Coors Light and the smell of Grass.

Yep, you heard me right. Parsley. Jolly Green Giant. Golden Leaf. Christmas Tree. Ganja. Weed. Lots and lots of weed to get you through that somewhat strenuous weeklong reprieve away from the co-workers and together with friends, family, your kids…and (gulp!) your kid’s friends

So, load up your Family Truckster (also known as your Netflix Queue) with a pack of Alaskan Wolves, Large Marge, fat Jonah Hill and even Michael Fassbender’s penis.

What a long strange trip it’s going to be with these strange bedfellows riding shotgun in this summer travel edition of One-Sentence Movie Reviews:

God Bless America
Although I was really hoping for a little bit more from Director Bobcat Goldthwait, how can you go wrong with a movie about a guy and teenage runaway killing stupid people across the United States?

We Need to Talk About Kevin
If you’re thinking about having kids, this is the best type of birth control to come along since condoms.

The Grey
If you’re anticipating Liam Neeson breaking the bottles of liquor and taping them to his knuckles to fight the big, bad wolves…wait for it…wait for it…no seriously, wait for it.

“That’s not a chocolate bunny you’re eating!!!” It’s shit! (Get it? The movie sucks.)

Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure
Oh Pee-Wee…even after 50+ viewings, as a loner and a rebel, you’re still entertaining after all these years…even to my kids.

Michael Fassbender’s angry blue-veiner takes center stage in this fantastically dark, delectably dirty glimpse into one man’s struggle with sex addiction.

The Little Bear Movie
Some days when I roll into work, I think about the fantastical, simple world of Little Bear and try to forget about all of this stupid shit for a couple seconds of my day.

We Bought a Zoo 
…we also bought tickets to a paint-by-numbers flick from Cameron Crowe complete with a cute kid saying cute things like ‘The average human head weighs eight pounds’.

Cocaine Cowboys
Cocaine is a helluva drug…as is fully apparent in this eye-opening documentary about the Miami snow trade.

The Sitter
A poor-man’s ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING that poses the question: ‘When is Jonah Hill going to decide if he’s fat or skinny?’

A Lonely Place to Die
It's DELIVERANCE mixed with DESCENT (minus the creatures) mixed with RANSOM mixed with great cinematography and a shitty plot.

Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol
Wow, this sequel to Pixar’s THE INCREDIBLES is everything that I had hoped for…and then some.

How in the hell did Hitchcock make a movie about seven people stranded on a lifeboat even remotely interesting?

My Week with Marilyn
This movie proves that you can, in fact, create a smart, poignant, interesting historical story in less than 100 minutes.

A Dangerous Method
Keira Knightley juts out her jaw, and other body parts, to unimaginable heights in this under two-hour thought-provoking biopic about Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung.

Young Adult
It’s like the movie MONSTER, but if the title character was a semi-hot novelist/drunkard/drug-abuser/disconnect female going through a mid-life crisis…that’s not a murderer.

How on Earth is there a Scorcese film that doesn’t involve an aluminum baseball bat to the head and not named Kundun that still can manage to be utterly fantastic?

Life During Wartime
It’s the much-anticipated sequel to Todd Solondz’s HAPPINESS, completely recast with new actors that no one was waiting for, except for me. 

Everything you’ve ever wanted to know about Staten Island…but really didn’t want to ever know about Staten Island. 

The Avengers
Finally, a superhero film, other than The Dark Knight franchise, that doesn’t suck big, hairy gonads.

The Greatest Movie Ever Sold
Morgan Spurlock pays for an entertaining movie about crass commercialism by making an entertaining movie about crass commercialism.

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