Wednesday, March 14, 2012

One-Sentence Movie Reviews - HardBodies Edition

As the temperature begins to rise, the rain begins to fall - and women from around the country flock to the nation's beaches for a week of sex, drugs and facebooking, I thought I’d do the lamest thing possible to celebrate and collect my movie reviews from this past three months and share them with you…all in one sentence or less.

Also, if you haven't seen Hardbodies, for Christ's sake rent it!!!

So without further adieu....

Gonzo: The Life and Work of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
Jeez, I never realized that Hunter S. Thompson abused so many drugs!

Your Highness
EASTBOUND AND DOWN plus PINEAPPLE EXPRESS with a dash of Natalie Portman’s cute ass equals a fun, raunchy, AIRPLANE-esque LORD OF THE RINGS.

Martha Marcy May Marlene
The best movie about a girl joining and leaving a cult that you’ll see all year – complete with ambiguous ending.

Take Shelter
Holy tsunami, this is a grown-up, well-acted version of Donnie Darko, with a somewhat-ambiguous ending.

The Help
The feel-good civil rights movie of the year.

The Interrupters
So, after you watch this film, let's talk about your how shitty your life really is?

The Dead
You'll wish you were dead as you're viewing this film.

Real Steel
Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots and Stallone’s OVER THE TOP merge to create a mediocre movie.

This fantastic movie made me 50% laugh and 50% cry.

Albert Brooks as a bad ass and Ryan Gosling crushing skulls isn’t enough to make this good movie great.

Paranormal Activity 3
I opened a fortune cookie the other day that read: 'Combining ghosts with occult always turn to shit'.

I Saw the Devil
This South Korean thriller by Kim Ji-woon puts all American revenge movies to bloody shame.

Bill Cunningham New York
I can only hope to be this happy, joyful and alive when I'm 80 years old.

The Ides of March
It’s the exact opposite of Mr. Smith Goes to Washington…and almost as good.

I’ve never had this much fun seeing Brad Pitt’s character shovel boatloads of food into his mouth.

Beneath the shiny veneer of the above-par cinematography lays a good movie that is just dying to get out.

It’s REAL STEEL for the Mixed Martial Arts movement - with a plot that would never, ever happen in a million years.

Margin Call
You’ll feel like a little pissed-off fly on the wall during the 2008 financial housing crisis.

The Future
If David Lynch were female and wrote a romantic comedy - this is pretty much what it would be.

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark
Cool horror movie that’s sadly missing a third act.

Tucker & Dale vs. Evil
Clever, fresh, interesting take on the 'college-students-in-the-woods-horror-story’.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes
This is NOT another crappy Planet of the Apes movie.

The Hangover: Part II
Todd Phillips gets Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms and Zach Galifianakis in a room and says, "Look guys, we're going to do the exact same thing over again, but in Bangkok, with shittier jokes.”

Crazy, Stupid, Love.
I'm a sucker for smart, endearing comedies that don't insult your intelligence - like this one.

The Muppets
In what other movie are you going to see Academy-Award winner Chris Cooper rap to hand puppets?

Fast Five
The perfect film for washed-up high school quarterbacks, it’s OCEAN'S 11 mixed with THE ITALIAN JOB with plenty of terrible acting.

A great romantic comedy for all sexual preferences.

Midnight in Paris
Can someone else besides Woody Allen please come up with an original Hollywood idea?

Page One: Inside the New York Times
Yep, working for a newspaper is as boring as this documentary makes it out to be.

Fright Night  (2011)
This movie works because it’s almost a sequel of sorts rather than a bonafide remake of the original.

A Christmas Carol
Another odd Zemeckis motion-capture animated film guaranteed to scare the shit out of your kids.

Harry Potter the Deathly Hallows: Part II
Finally, it’s okay to want to have sex with the actress who plays Hermione.

For movie fun, you can view older Eimer Debris One-Sentence Movie Reviews right here.

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