Eimer's Top Ten Verbal Rants During His Daily Commute

Every day. Every single work day, I have a 30-minute work commute from my hometown of Bath, Ohio, to downtown Cleveland.

A couple weeks ago, I was driving to work with my wife (yes, we work at the same company) and she commented on my disgusting, sometimes filthy, outbursts on the road.

Being myself, and comfortable in my own skin, I had no idea what she was talking about...until I started to pay attention to my so-called 'filthy outbursts'.

In short, I’m embarrassed, disgusted and, well, sometimes entertained.

That said, for the past couple days, I’ve made a mental note to remember some of my not-so-nice comments yelled to other drivers on the road. And, sadly, I would like to share with you, my loyal reader, my top-ten favorites (or not-so favorites) with notes:

1. ‘Oh my God, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me!’
I was following this slow, old van into work today. Obviously he was lost and was hesitating on a green light in hopes that it would turn red so he could get his whereabouts around the big, scary city of Cleveland. I shouted this when he stopped at a yellow light - a light that he obviously could have easily made.

2. ‘Piece of shit, asshole!’
I think this goes without saying. This is my go-to bellow when I can’t think of anything creative to say.

3. 'Fuck an A, Jesus fucking Christ, you goddamn bitch!'
I was following some lady who was fussing with her hair and constantly looking in the rear-view mirror to fix her fucking face. She was in the left-hand speeding lane and putting on fucking lipstick. Really?

4. 'Move to the right you old bag!’ or ‘Move to the right you fucking white head!’
Let me preface this by saying, I love old people. I really do...except when they drive. I firmly believe, after the age of 70 years old, everyone should take a driving test every two years to prove to the authorities that you are a capable driver. That’s just me.

5. ‘Right is fast. Left is slow. Did you ever take a fucking driver’s test?’
I shouted this to a couple of drivers who were, obviously, in the right-hand lane either talking on the phone, screwing around with their goddamn GPS or putting on their fucking make-up.

6.‘Oh, give me a fucking break!’
Although somewhat familiar to rant #1, I specifically yell this rant when some driver does something that is so fucking stupid, that I’m just completely flabbergasted. Examples include, dodging between lanes and cars, swerving on the road, obviously texting someone, constantly looking over at their passenger and trying to have a meaningful conversation and reaching for something in the passenger seat (i.e. lipstick, coffee, Hostess apple pie, etc.)

7. ‘Ha. Ha. Fuck you asshole!’
Although not very creative, I say this to driver’s that attempt to pass me up on the right-hand lane only to be cock-blocked by a big rig or slow van. Trust me, if someone gets on my ass, I cordially put on my blinker and get in the right-hand land (see quote #8 below). However, if it’s obvious that I’m in the fast lane for a reason and that I’m also in the same traffic that they’re in, I have no fucking sympathy for you.

8. ‘Go forth my little rabbit!’
I say this to people who are on my ass and are dying to pass me up – sometimes they flick their headlights at me, which makes me feel especially great. But I don’t care. I consider them my little rabbits who, eventually, will get eaten by the wolves (i.e. the State Highway Patrol). And when I see them picked up by the police (and often I do), I say quote #7 with pleasure.

9. 'There you go. Now turn your steering wheel to the right and get in the right-hand lane. Good job!'
This is obviously to people who have no clue how to drive. However, instead of yelling at said driver, I say this in a quiet, almost snarky, somewhat sarcastic tone like I’m a new pet owner talking to a little kitten or puppy.

10. ‘Your fucking piece of shit belongs in a goddamn dump!’
Look, I get it. Times are tough. A lot of people can’t afford nice cars. Hell, I’m driving a 2005 Toyota Camry myself. But, at least, I keep up to date on the tires, the oil changes and regular routine maintenance. I save this little blurb for people who, obviously, could give two shits about their vehicle. Ironically, I’ve noticed myself saying this a lot more since I moved up to Northeast Ohio from Columbus.

BONUS RANT:

11. 'I will fucking kill you.'
Trust me, I don't pull this one out of the mental suitcase too often. But when I do, I totally mean it. This special rant has to be under extreme conditions where a driver is doing something so awful, so confounding, so gosh-darn stupid that it just sets me off. My wife overheard this quote a couple times, and was speechless. Her eyes wide, she looked over at me, and yelled. 'Are you fucking crazy? You need to relax.' I guess I am. And I guess I probably do.

Well, there you have it.

Now, I’m curious. I’d like to hear your favorite dirty little quotes during your morning commute.

Please do tell...