Well, as the middle of June arrives, so goes my ass to the Jersey Shore for a long needed vacation.
Yes, that Jersey Shore.
Yep, the one that's featured on the hit Mtv Show.
Yep, that's where I'll be.
My wife hates it when I tell people that we stay, literally, one mile from the boardwalk where Snooki gets arrested and the Situation shows off his amazing abs.
It's a mile away.
Besides all of the negative shit you hear about the place, truth be told I have a lot of fun at Jersey Shore.
The beach is nice. It's not free. You have to pay to enjoy the ocean. Which is awesome because it gets rid of the riff-raff.
Well, most of the time.
Last year, I was taking a night stroll through the boardwalk with my wife and kids. Remember I was with my wife and kids. I glanced over to 'admire' this beautiful Jersey girl who was walking into a bar. I moved my eyes slightly to the left and found this big behemoth meathead of a man staring back at me.
He gave me this 'Stop looking at my fucking property or I'll fucking walk right over there and kick your fucking ass in front of your fucking family' look.
The guy was pretty big. Plus, I didn't feel like getting my ass kicked in front of my kids. So, I quickly glanced up at the sky and started whistling.
However, I caught one more quick look of the Jersey lady before she walked into the bar. Take that you guido mother fucker!
My wife and a number of our friends decided to taste the nighlife, so we headed down to this dirty biker bar on the boardwalk. Can't remember the name. But, I do remember that this nasty-looking girl was so drunk she hopped up on the bar, ripped off her shirt to permaflash her tits and started dirty dancing.
Rather than pull the lady off the bar, the bartenders decided to get in on the action. They pulled out their little water side sprayers and started to hose her down with, what I assume, was water. She wiggled and jiggled until the bartenders got bored and pulled her down.
Then, she walked over to our group and, with her bare bullet tits a' bouncing, started to hit on one of my buddies, whose wife was standing right next to him! A fight between my buddy's wife and the titty woman almost ensued before she was kindly 'escorted' out of the bar by the bouncer.
About five miles south, you can witness the exact opposite of the boardwalk at the Island Beach State Park, it's long strip of park that spans about 12 miles of untainted beach, which in lamen's terms means no hotels, no gaudy boardwalk rides and not a lot of guidos (see photo to the left).
For a modest fee (about $6) you can venture down a number of insect-ridden trails on either the ocean side or the bay side. I haven't officially visited the bay side, but the ocean side is pretty spectacular.
About 15-20 minutes north of Seaside Park (Seaside Heights, whatever) is Point Pleasant, which offers another cool boardwalk filled with rides, games and even an aquarium with a number of reptiles and fish.
Plus, less than a 1/4 mile away from the beach house is a pier where you can go crabbing. Yeah, that type of crabbing. A case of beer, a couple crab traps, some bait and two hours of your time will land you a pretty tasty dinner for the night - and probably a nasty sunburn as well. The picture to the right is an early haul waaaay back in 2006.
So, all in all, I like the Jersey Shore. I would recommend you check it out at least once in your lifetime. It's worth a week.
Me? Well, it looks like the Shore is going to be an annual mainstay for my family due to the fact that my father-in-law (i.e. the owner of the house) offers us a modest fee, which is well, well below the $5,000 a week he offers Jersey Shore tourists.
Games. Food. Family. Fishing. Beer.What more could you want in a weeklong vacation?
Besides, of course, more guidos?
