Thursday, May 10, 2007

Pimp My John

While we're on the subject of toilets and crapping. I came across this contest on RotoRooter's Website detailing a competition to Pimp Your John.

The Web site introduces the contest by saying the average person spends 11,862 hours in the bathroom. (Not me, I'm a kamikazee pooper, but more on that later.) It's basically the equivalent of one year, four months and five days. (Like I said, you can cut that time in half for me.)

But in additon to taking your dump on your amazing Kohler toilet (1.6 GPF no doubt?) one lucky winner can...
• Watch Star Wars on your Philips™ 20-inch LCD TV
• Play an Xbox™ 360 gaming system
• Watchi Steel Magnolias on your Philips™ DVD player
• Check out porn and football scores on your Gateway® EMachine™ laptop computer.
• Listen to Bjork on your iPod™ with stereo-docking station equipped with toilet paper dispenser.
• Hit the Roto-Rooter "emergency" button - in case your intestines shoot out of your ass.
• Record your favorite shows - a la' Deadwood - on your Tivo™ recorder.
• Have a beer while your crapping with your Avanti™ refrigerator complete with beer tap and stocked with drinks and snacks.
• Read back issues of Hustler and Playboy from your Magazine rack. Plus get subscriptions to Sports Illustrated, ESPN and GQ .
• Exercise with Bike pedal exerciser and keep your soup warm with a Cup warmer / cooler.

Hey, don't stop there!

Why not have a microwave so you can cook up some mac and cheese while you're shitting out last night's Burger King Whopper? Or how about a lotion station and porn dock so you can jerk-off to your favorite pornos and easily extract your love juice into the toilet.

I don't know, but I'm thinking that the bacteria and the germs that would fill up on that toilet in a matter of days makes me a little sick to my stomach. And what if a total overweight slacker wins the prize? I would like to re-visit this dude in about six months and check out what his Pimped John looked like.

It may just be me, but disgusting black blowout chunks not to mention a fantastic shit smell isn't really a place I would like to 'hang out' for a couple hours with my pants down.

I think we already have a place for all this nonsense ... it's called your car.