The Human Race Will Split In Two.

I came across this article in Britain's Daily Mail that states 100,000 years in the future, the human race will split into two distinct species.

I totally agree with this article. However, I think it's going to happen in a lot less time. 99,999 years less time, to be exact.

Anyone that's seen the movies Gattaca, Code 46, The Time Machine or even Michael Bay's crapfest The Island will understand this phenomenom. Hell, if you've picked up a copy of Popular Science, Wired or even read the Drudgereport in the past decade, you'll understand what's going on.

In the next 10 to 20 years, the rich and wealthy will be able to hire scientists to screw with their unborn child's DNA strand to create the perfect specimen.

After the spawn squirts out of rich mum's belly (or a incubator), the parents will set them up for life by placing them in the best schools, with the best teachers, dentists, coaches and doctors to ensure a pristine, perfect, high-tiered life full of possibilities and free of disease.

On the other end of the spectrum, you'll have the poor. They'll mate the old-fashioned way and simply have normal or abnormal children that look like the cast from The Hills Have Eyes. Bad acne. Big foreheads. Rotten teeth. In-grown toenails. Boogers. Wisdom teeth. And lets not forget diseases such as Super Chicken Pox and UberMonoHepatitis.

These second-class citizens will be put into detainment, refugee camps and be forced to work for the rich man and make peanuts in the process. Eventually, some will escape and live in the caves like the creatures from The Descent.

Come to think of it, it seems like it's starting to happen right now. And the lines are being drawn by where we shop.

In August, I wrote an entry about the difference between Walmart and Target shoppers.

Now for some homework.

Take a day off work and drop by both stores for an hour or two. Go ahead. Take a stroll. Write down some notes. Hell, maybe purchase an item or two.

See what I mean? Now, I hope you can understand why I think the so-called species split will happen a lot faster than 100,000 years.

On a selfish note, I can only hope that my future DNA (Pearl Jam, Baby Batter, White Butter) will eventually spread to the other side of the fence if you know what I mean.

I, for one, don't want the Eimer name to be synonomous with the houselves from the Harry Potter or Skeksis from The Dark Crystal.

No Christmas Gifts For You!

I was a man of my word. I didn't buy anyone over 18 years of age a single gift this year.

Sure I bought my nieces, nephews and two kids some Christmas cheer. But that was it.

And guess what? Nobody's pissed off. In fact, I think people are actually happy that they didn't have to buy me anything either.

And just like Kramer shunning boxers and underwear for nothing under his pants, I'm loving every minute of it.

This holiday season, I had a blast roaming through the aisles of Target, Home Depot, WalMart and Barnes & Noble stress-free. I didn't have to search the CD aisles looking for Celine Dion's Greatest Hits for my sister-in-law or L.L. Cool J's debut album Radio for my brother.

Did I buy my aunt Chicken Soup for the Soul last year? Does my dad need another box of assorted flashlights? Does Mom really need another sweatshirt emblazoned with Ohio State Mom?

Who fucking cares!

Hard to believe, but I got my wife-to-be wrapped up in the no-holiday-gift-buying frenzy this year. Let me just say, the smile hasn't worn off her face yet. I think she enjoyed focusing strictly on the kids in the family. Hell, I even got a little kick out of hitting the toy stores searching for gifts for the little fuckers.

That was fun.

But buying a Giant Eagle fruitcake for my grandma every single year isn't fun. In fact, I've heard from reliable sources (i.e. my uncle) that grandma cuts off one piece of the fruitcake. Eats it. Than wraps the rest in aluminum foil and hides it deep, down inside the fridge like it was the Lost Ark of the Covenant. Come Springtime the thing probably resembles a Chia-pet.

Look, I know this no-buying-policy may not work for every family. I mean, who wouldn't want an extra screwdriver/socket set or Jerry Garcia tie for Christmas from your great Uncle Pete every single fucking year?

But, for this happy man, I'm going to hang on to this no-gift-over-18-policy for years and years and years to come.

Fuck it, I may even add the policy to birthdays as well. Can't wait to see how many party invitations I'll get after that.

Yep. That's right. Who fucking cares!

Merry Pissmas!

My Very First Christmas Cartoon (circa 1998)

Santa's...In A Box (Eimertoon)

Running to run (and eating anything you want).

I ran track in high school. I remember clocking my first 400-meter dash in 50 seconds. It was my sophomore year. And I was pretty proud.

After that, I sucked.

One day, I remember coming into school the day after a track meet. My government teacher, Mr. Hill, saw me coming down the hall. His arms were crossed and he had this disappointed look on his face. I thought I had been busted for cheating.

Nope. That would've been to easy. He simply arched his arm and pointed his finger over to a bulletin board that posted the previous day's track meet times. Gulp!

Eimer - 400-meters - 1:06

A 66-minute 400-meter dash. Yep, pretty pathetic.

Suffice to say, the next year, I gave up track and field for wrestling. Then, my senior year, I pretty much did nothing except bag groceries and drink beer. It wasn't until my freshman year in college that I noticed a slight beer gut forming right above my nether regions.

That's when I started running to stay in shape.

Since that time, running has become an almost daily ritual for me.

I've run a couple marathons, some half-marathons and numerous 5k's. I've ran in rain, snow, sleet and hot sun. I've ran in in temperatures ranging from 100-degrees to zero degrees. I've ran up mountains, on pavement, in a desert and through the mud. I've even ran in a real-life rain forest.

All for the simple joy of running. Oh, and the fact that I don't want to be a fat ass.

Oh yeah, and to eat and drink anything I want whenever I want. Although that general philosophy has changed a bit over the years.

So imagine my shock when I came across this ESPN.com article about running streaks.

The story is about streak runners who've ran every single day for years. And I'm not talking two or three years. I'm talking over 30. Some of them have been running longer than I've been on this Earth.

In fact, Mark Covert, a 56-year-old teacher and cross-country coach at Antelope Valley College in Lancaster, Calif., holds the longest active daily running streak of 39 years, 130 days.

Let me clarify. That's, at least one mile per day. Every single day. For almost 40 years.

These guys are the real deal Holyfield.

On a personal note, after college I kept a daily log of my runs. In the late 90's, I was going to try and run every single day for an entire year. As it turned out the heavy partying, hazy all-nighters and mind-numbing hangovers took their toll.

Sadly, I only made it a month.

Even that was pretty damn hard, especially from a psychological standpoint. Every single day I woke up, my mind started contemplating when and where I was going to get my daily run in.

That's why I think a year of everyday running can be a pretty draining experience, especially if you're on vacation.

That's also why, in my opinion, the streak runners' achievements outlined in the aobove article completely eclipse my dedication to running.

Call it insanity or a healthy addiction. But, I think these guys deserve major kudos for their achievement.

In fact, this has motivated me to attempt my one-year goal of consecutive daily runs.

However, that will have to wait a couple more years, until my two little kids are a little bit older.

Hell, maybe they'll run it with me.

To add to that, I can only hope their 400-meter-dash will be a little faster than mine as well.

The United States of Chubby

Not sure if it’s the protective parents or their lazy spawn, but kids and adults are getting less and less mobile and more and more stagnant as the years roll along.

Especially when it comes to going outside to play.
I remember years ago when my brother and I were in grade school, my mom would slowly creep into our rooms and whisper in our ear "Just wanted to tell you that school was cancelled due to snow, you can go back to sleep."

With a smile on my face, I pulled the blanket over my head and drifted off into a deep sleep in anticipation of the white gold wonderland waiting for me outside.

When we awoke, we’d go to the living room window and quickly scan the snow. After deeming the collection of flakes sled-worthy, we'd grab a quick breakfast then hit the slopes to our hearts content.

We'd go in for a quick lunch, then we'd head back out to sled, play football, go hiking in the woods and, in general, have a helluva time. As the day wore on and night fell, you could still find us outside looking for new sledding paths to carve.

Oh, what a feeling. We were dancing on the ceiling.

Last winter, when I took my dogs on a walk in Lakewood, Ohio. I’d ask myself, "Where are the fucking kids?"

No kids playing in the snow. No kids building snowmen. No kids playing with their parents outside. Where was everyone?

Oh yeah, I forgot. American Idol was on.

As the father of two young kids, I’m disgusted with how our society is teaching young children that it’s cool to stay inside and watch TV or play video games.

And eat. And eat. And eat. And eat.

These little fat kids and their fat parents need to click off their fat TV shows, get outside and breathe some oxygen.

Wait a minute!!! What am I saying?

Scratch that. On second thought, stay exactly where you are.

I hear there’s another clip show of American Idol on tonight. Better stay inside to see who gets voted off.

I want that sled-riding hill for my kids and myself.

'Heeeyyyy, Nice Golden Globes!'

Well, I checked my e-mail last night and received a ton of e-mails from this blog asking my opinion on the 2007 Golden Globe nominations.

To be honest, it wasn't a ton of e-mails. Only one.

To be totally honest, I sent myself an e-mail about the Golden Globes.

To be really, brutally honest, I'm lying. No one sent me anything.

But ANYWAY, I will say that although I really don't care too much about what the foreign press thinks, I always get a bit giddy after scanning the list of nominees. This year is no different.

Yeah, I guess you can call me a movie awards fag.

Although I've been hearing a lot of great things about Atonement (which I haven't seen), I think No Country for Old Men and There Will Be Blood have the best chance at Best Pic wins.

Nope, haven't seen either of em' but my friend Mac saw No Country. Read his review here. Plus, I talked about There Will Be Blood before right here.

I have no opinion (yet) about the actress nominations. Although I do think Amy Adams will win some awards for her performance in Enchanted. (Nope haven't seen that either).

I'm also pretty excited to see David Cronenberg's Eastern Promises get some attention. I have that particular movie in my Netflix cache and can't wait to see his follow-up to A History of Violence. I hear there's a naked male fight scene with box cutters that's out of this world. Not that I'm into that or anything.

Three biggies in the Actor category are Daniel Day Lewis for Blood, Clooney for Michael Clayton and Philip Seymour Hoffman for The Savages (which I hear is pretty damn good as well).

I think Casey Affleck will win a supporting actor award for The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford (haven't seen it), Ratatouille will win best Animated Feature Film, the Coen Brothers will win Best Direction for No Country and Diablo Cody will definitely win a Best Screenplay Golden Globe and Academy Award for Juno. (Coincidentally, I haven't seen that movie either.)

Nothing against Hal Holbrook, but I'm really surprised Into the Wild didn't get more love. Sure Eddie Vedder was nominated in both music categories for his work on the film, but that's it. (Oh sure, I haven't seen Into The Wild either, but I hear it's awesome.) I'm also surprised that Gone Baby Gone didn't get best direction and picture props.

Come to think of it. I really shouldn't be judging any of these flicks yet seeing as I've only seen Ratatouille. But, fuck it.

In the TV part, I'm happy that Mad Men is getting some props including Best Television Series and Best Actor nomination. In addition to The Wire (the final season premieres on HBO January 7), Mad Men is one of the best things on TV nowadays period. The show follows a Manhatten ad agency in the 60's. It's a different time when a majority of men were the breadwinners of the family and the women stayed home and cooked.

Of course, that's not all. The show covers racism, the division between the sexes, alcoholism and, of course, advertising. It's smartly written with great set designs, acting and impeccable attention to detail. In addition, it hits very close to home for me due to the fact that I'm a copywriter for an ad agency. I urge you to pick up the Season One DVD, whenever it comes out. Or just go watch the reruns on AMC.

Well, that's about it. I know the Golden Globes aren't that fantastic, but at least it gets some under-the-rader films out there that may spike some interest instead of Shrek 20 and Transformers 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Such as, the foreign animated feature Persepolis. Check out the trailer here. I hear the animation is very unique and, in addition to being nominated for Best Foreign Film at the Golden Globes, there's talk that it could give Ratatouille a run for its money come Academy Awards time. I'm happy it's getting it's just desserts. Now all I have to do is see it.

So, with the war in Iraq still plodding along, talk of global warming at an all time high and An upcoming recession in the United States, aren't you excited about the Golden Globes too???!!!!