Who's Your Daddy? Erp, I mean Next President.

One the drive into work today, I was listening to NPR and...

No. Nope. I'm Sorry. I just lied. I was listening to ESPN Radio.

However, on this particular day, I wasn't thinking about sports, cartooning or women pillow fighting in cotton panties.

Today, my friends, I was thinking something that I rarely think about on my morning drive to work.

I was thinking politics. More importantly, the presidential election.

Frankly, I haven't even had the time to sit down and research which candidate is promising what to whom, whenever they get elected into office (e.g. blowing rainbow-colored smoke up our ass).

And although I'm not too sure who I'm picking this November (yet), I've still got my eye on some candidates including:

Barack Obama.
On a personal note, I think the time for an African American president is...now. I liked the idea of Colin Powell during the last election, but this Obama guy just seems like a good choice. I like the dude. He really is a likable guy. But is he too young to run the country? And what does he really stand for? I guess they said the same thing about the Kennedys (both JFK and Bobby). I mean, they turned out to be so popular that they both got whacked. To be honest, I'm curious to see who Obama picks for Vice President and the rest of his cabinet. Because, if he gets elected, you know there will be a lot of crazy, pissed-off rednecks runnin' around. I'm just sayin. This country isn't as color-blind as you may think. I mean, to this day, my grandpa still tells black jokes.

Hillary Clinton
Sometimes when I hear her talk to 'America' I get the feeling that deep, down inside she really doesn't like dudes. Not saying she's a lesbian or anything like that. But, I think she probably has a hard time relating to any man, especially after that Monica Blewclinsky thing. But, sometimes I like what she's saying. However, depending on what part of the country she's in, she can definitely turn on the dialect, the tears, the sadness and the charm. It's almost like a light switch. In a way, she sort of reminds me of an ex-girlfriend who could shed crocodile tears when shit wasn't going her way. That type of candor only makes me think of one word: PHONY.

Ron Paul
Never thought I would even consider a Republican. But, I caught this guy on Jay Leno and he seemed pretty likeable. And believable. Although I'm not really sure what he stands for (yet), all in all, he seems like an okay guy. He's the only Republican who differs from Bush on his interpretation of foreign affairs. To add to that, he says that he's a strict Constitutionalist, which I'm not too sure I understand. Maybe he follows the word of the constitution. Or maybe it means he's for interpreting the Constitution after he amends it. In any event, it sounds sort of cool, doesn't it?

Michael Bloomberg
Word around the campfire is that the current mayor of New York is 'considering' a run for President on an idependent ticket. He's just waiting to see who the Democratic and Republican frontrunners will be before he decides. If he's not happy at what he sees, he'll probably throw his hat in the ring around March or April. Bloomberg for President gets me excited for a number of reasons. First, he has his own money to spend (billions and billions) so he doesn't have to take cash from any special interest groups. Second, much like Perot, the man has a strong business sense. What better person to get us out of the recession gutter than a businessman who will undoubtedly surround himself with a great cabinet of smart, policy-minded decision makers? Third, I haven't heard too much bad stuff from New Yorkers on how he's handling their city. (Although I haven't talked to many) In fact, I hear somewhat positive vibes and views from a lot of people and newspapers when they talk about this guy as mayor, which is pretty amazing to say the least.

Well there you have it. My frontrunners. I may change my list as the months roll by. But right now, that's it.

Also keep in mind that I've never, ever voted for the winning President since I've been of voting age (Perot in 92. Perot in 96. Gore in 2000. Kerry in 2004)

Not sure what that means besides the fact that I'm due for a winner soon.

Indiana Jones, Crystal Skulls, the Mayans and 2012.

Ever since George Lucas announced the title of the fourth Indiana Jones movie (i.e. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull), my interest has been piqued.

Indy battled the Nazis for the Ark of the Covenant in Raiders of the Lost Ark? He fought evil Indians for Sankara Stones in The Temple of Doom. And, once again, he went toe-to-toe with Hitler's regime in search of the Holy Grail in The Last Crusade

Now Indy's on the lookout for...crystal skulls? To be honest, my first impression was "Whaaaaaaat?"

But, after reading a Vanity Fair article on the upcoming Indy movie and visiting some rather strange websites on the phenomena, I now have another passion in addition to UFOs, Bigfoot, the Mothman and the Loch Ness monster...

CRYSTAL MOTHER-F'ING SKULLS.

In a nutshell, it's believed that there are 13 crystal skulls of ancient origin buried around the world. Some think that a handful of the skulls are still buried beneath the ground. Others believe all 13 have already been found. Some hippies think that, as I write this, a secret society known as the Illumanati are trying to find these crystal skulls to control the world. Others think scientologists are involved.

What is known, however, is that most of the skulls have been found near Mayan and Aztec civilization in parts of Mexico, Central America and South America.

And here's where the creepiness comes in.

The skulls seem to defy logic.

In fact, everything that is known about them indicates that the skulls should have been shattered fractured, or fallen apart when carved centuries ago. It's virtually impossible to say how the skulls were constructed. To add to that, the world's most talented sculptors and engineers today are still unable to duplicate it.

Fascinating, eh?

One of the most famous of the Crystal Skulls is the Mitches Hedges skull named after F. A. Mitchell-Hedges who discovered it in 1927 while searching for the lost city of Atlantis in Belize. The sculpture is an anatomically correct replica of a human skull, but smaller.

Now, here's where it gets even weirder.

This particular skull was loaned to the Hewlett Packard Laboratories in 1970 for some extensive study. According to a number of web sites I visited, the tests yielded some crazy results including:

- The skull was carved against the natural axis of the crystal, which would almost surely make the piece shatter.
- Even with lasers and other high-tech cutting methods used today it would still shatter if carved this way.
- The lab could find no microscopic scratches on the crystal which would indicate it had been carved with metal instruments or possibly diamonds.
- It was concluded that successfully crafting a shape as complex as the Mitchell-Hedges skull is virtually impossible.

That's why the crystal skulls are a complete mystery on par with Stonehenge, the Easter Island heads and the Pyramids. Nobody really knows where they came from or what they were used for.

However, some people have their theories...

- The skulls were left behind by aliens thousands of years ago.
- When placed together, the skulls will enable humans to see deeply into the past and educate us about the future a la' the movie Highlander.
- They were left behind by a sophisticated Inner Earth society which lives at the hollow center of our planet. The thirteen skulls contain the history of these unknown people.
- The skulls were teleported along with visitors (perhaps ourselves from the future?) who came to teach earth mortals about their heritage and purpose for being here.
- They are the computers of the ancients and contain important information that will help humanity to pass through its current series of challenges and take us into a Golden Age.
- When placed together the skulls will summon our alien gods back to Earth.

Another interesting theory is that the final skull will be found and all 13 skulls will come together on December 21, 2012. Coincidentally, the same exact time the Mayan Calendar ends, which also signifies the end of the world as we know it.

Or, as some theorists put it, the beginning of the apocalypse.

Whatever you believe, you can bank on one of the above theories being somehow involved in the plot for the fourth Indiana Jones adventure. There are even rumors that the little creatures from Close Encounters of the Third Kind will be making a brief appearance towards the end of the film.

Whatever you believe, I personally think the crystal skull phenomena is intriguing to say the least.

And damn, if it won't make a great movie as well.

If you're still interested, I also found this seven-minute Travel channel segment on YouTube which digs deeper into the Crystal Skulls mystique.

Thoughts on last night's BCS Championship.

Well, although I'll probably be looking for a new OSU hat sometime in the near future despite the loss. For now, the brown OSU hat stays on top of my head as a reminder of the past two BCS championship games.

Here are a couple thoughts concerning the Bucks 38-24 Bashing in the Bayou (in glorious copywriter bullet points, of course):

• As soon as Wells ran back the first touchdown to go up 7-0, my first response was "Uh, oh. I've got a bad feeling about this." I kid you not.


• As soon as the score was 10-0, everyone at The Winking Lizard in Peninsula started laughing and having a good ol' time like the Buckeyes already won the championship. I remember looking around thinking "What is wrong with you people?"


• 83 penalty yards for Ohio State including a roughing the punter penalty for a first down. Yikes.


• What's up with the defense? Why can't they wrap up and tackle opponents?


• 31 unanswered points? Can someone explain how that happens against the nation's No. 1 defense?


• LSU's secondary looked awesome. LSU's defense looked awesome.


• On offense, whenever the Tiger's were looking at third and long, I thought to myself, "They're going to get a first down." And they did. Every. Single. Time.


• Why is it as soon as Ohio State is behind one touchdown, it seems like the entire Buckeyes game plan gets thrown out the window?


• Where's Ricky Dudley when you need him? LSU tight-end Richard Dickson caught two TD passes. What's up with that?


• Just like last year, I can't believe I actually watched the whole freaking game waiting, hoping, thinking the Bucks were going to turn it around. Blech.


• I think Ohio State needs to shelve Youngstown State and Kent State and schedule at least two very big non-conference games a year to prepare for a possible conference title and championship run. If they don't win the two biggies, then at least they'll know they're not good enough to make it to the big game.


• I wonder what the Rose Bowl against USC would've been like?


• I wonder if West Virginia would have done the same thing to us had they beat Pittsburgh?
  
  To add insult to injury I came across this very unflattering Ohio State commentary by ESPN regular Pat Forde on ESPN.com today.
  
  

  All I can say is YEEEEEOUCH!

Remembering 41-14.

About 11 years ago, I was walking through the now-defunct Long's Bookstore in Columbus, Ohio, looking for a black Ohio State Buckeyes hat to wear to a game.

I walked past the bargain bin and did a double take. I just laid my eyes upon the perfect hat.

Black. Ohio State logo. The little plastic rip-and-tear head size tag. And, let's not forget the price tag...$5.99. Like I said, perfect.

I pulled out my credit card and bought three.

(In hindsight, I wished I would've bought more.)

The first hat was lost around 1998 by a solo gigantic wave during a drunken, night excursion at Hunting Island, South Carolina.

The second one was pitched into the trash after Ohio State defeated Miami in the BCS National Championship in 2002.

The third one is now a nasty shade of brown from the wear and tear of five continuous years of blood, sweat and tears. And although I still wear it proudly, I'll be the first to tell you that it's seen its last days.

That's why I finally broke down and told my wife-to-be that if Ohio State wins the National Championship tonight, I'm going to finally pitch my old hat into the trash and begin my search for a new, black Ohio State hat to wear triumphantly into my 40's.

Hell, I may even buy three and start the whole process again.

The hat is one of many reasons that I've got that bittersweet taste in my mouth as I count down the hours to tonight's game.

To be honest, I really haven't touched base too much on the Buckeyes making it to the National Championship game since it was announced in early December.

For one, I thought the Bucks postseason game was going to be played out against USC in the Rose Bowl on New Year's Day.

Maybe I'm still shocked. Maybe I'm hesitant to say anything at all.

Maybe I'm thinking about 41-14.

Yep I think that's it.

41-14. Ech.

Word around the campfire was that OSU Coach Jim Tressel had the Ohio State video guys make DVD's for the Ohio State players to take home and watch. You can see a snippet of it right here.

Word around the campfire was that the players were dead silent as they watched the DVD together the first time during a team meeting.

"Ouch. Point taken, coach!"

In a funny anectdotal story written by Tim May in today's Columbus Dispatch, LSU Head Coach Les Miles said his team was going to watch the movie 300 to get psyched up for the game.

May wrote:

As for the Buckeyes, senior right tackle and co-captain Kirk Barton was asked yesterday what movie he and his teammates might take in on the eve of the game.

"Film," he said.

Which film?

"Game film," he said.

Well played sir. Well played.

In any event, I'll be at The Winking Lizard in Peninsula drinking beer, eating wings and rooting on the Buckeyes with my good friend (and fellow, former OSU scoreboard operator) Eric.

Oh yeah, my brown Ohio State hat will there too.

Hopefully, playing it's final swan song on top of my head.

Monday Eimertoon (January 6, 2008)

Playing The Game of Life.

I recently played Milton Bradley's The Game of Life.

I decided to take the college route and became a doctor.

Just like that, I was making $90,000 a payday. (All the while, I can't remember working on one single patient.)

In short, LIFE was good.

Suddenly, I got married to this beautiful pink peg. She was tall, slender and had a beautiful pink head. She was perfect.

We quickly got hitched at this beautiful white church. It was a wedding that I would soon forget. To be totally honest, I can't even remember the bachelor party. (Don't tell the wife. Ha Ha!)

We consumated our relationship during our honeymoon and had a number of pink and blue pegs on our journey through LIFE. (The time just whizzes by doesn't it?)

In addition to collecting a payday (sometimes two during a spin), I donated some of my cash to charities. Hell, I even had to pay bills and taxes along the way.

We were a family. One crank of the wheel at a time, we were living LIFE.

Ain't it grand?

So here I am in my beautiful green car, with my beautiful pink wife and a carload of blue and pink pegs. Then I think to myself, "Well, how did I get here?"

I passed one of my final paydays and collected my final paycheck. Then, I drove my family across a bridge, past the farmhouse shack and headed straight to the mansion next door.

I pulled myself out of my car, stretched my aching bones. I then gazed at my pink wife and my pink and blue kids. (I was working and driving so much that I really didn't get a chance to know them.)

The wind was blowing. The leaves were falling. There was a slight chill in the air. I felt it in my heart.

It was time to retire.

"This game called LIFE played out pretty fast," I thought to myself. "Seems like only 15 minutes ag0 that I graduated, got married and had kids."

Then I got depressed. Then I got desperate.

Then, with a makeshift purple plastic rifle that I fashioned from two of my kids with a burning match, I shot myself in my big, blue mind.

Goodbye LIFE. I'm headed to that great big multi-colored cardboard box in the sky.

One-Sentence Movie Reviews

Although I haven't been to the theater since Knocked Up was released earlier this year, I will say that I've seen my fair-share of great (and not so great) movies on DVD.

That said, I thought I would entertain you with some one-sentence reviews of films that I rented the past three months. Enjoy.

ONCE. It's Hustle and Flow for street musicians.

TURISTAS. Hostel 1 & 2 in the jungle with plenty of hot bodies.

THE WIRE: SEASON 4. The best season (so far) to one of the best television series' ever.

RESCUE DAWN. In my opinion, one of the best films of the year that went under the radar.

JIM GAFFIGAN: BEYOND THE PALE. Great stand-up from a Conan O'Brien regular.

HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX. Although the final battle scene is worth the rental price, you'll need to see the other four Potter movies to understand what's going on.

WAITRESS. Another great little gem of a movie that came out of left field.

BEAUTIFUL GIRLS. A great movie for college grads that haven't quite found their way in the world.

SUPERBAD. It's the next generation's Weird Science, Sixteen Candles and Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

FUNNY GAMES. Very disappointing foreign thriller soon to be a shot-for-shot remake in the United States.

LADY VENGEANCE. The final bloody, thrilling installment of Chan Wook-Park's Vengeance trilogy.

LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD. IT-ignorant John McClane turns into Freddy Krueger with murder, mayhem and one-liners galore.

RATATOUILLE. This tasty, little animated movie about a rat who wants to be a chef is so good it should be nominated for a 2007 Best Picture Academy Award.

FIDO. A refreshing, new look on the dusty, old zombie genre.

SPIDER-MAN 3. Not as good as 1 & 2, but entertaining enough to sit through.

SICKO. Michael Moore stirs up America's anger once again as he takes on America's health care system.

BRIAN REGEN: STANDING UP. Great stand-up from my favorite comedian.

TRANSFORMERS. Great special effects can't pull this movie out of the scrap heap.

HOSTEL: PART II. At 90 minutes, a surprisingly good sequel although a bit low on body parts and blood.

So there you have it. Are there any reviews you disagree with? Why not shoot me a line to tell me that I'm wrong. Or great.