Eimer Debris

How Much Was Tuition at Ohio State University in 1995?

2012-01-27T08:07:00.004-05:00

So, remember those boxes and boxes and boxes of drawings, writings and various doodles I found at my parent's house a couple years back?

Well, every year or so, I sort through these boxes in an attempt to throw away a lot of old junk, debris and miscellaneous papers that are not very nostalgic or are, pretty much, useless relics of my past that really aren't going to contribute to any future creative endeavors...or blog posts.

Well, take a look see at what I found last night. It's my tuition bill from Ohio State University circa 1995...

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First let me be the first to say ONLY $358.00 FUCKING DOLLARS PER QUARTER!!!

I know. I know.

Let me be the first to highlight the FFP (Freshman Foundation Program) grant, which was awarded to me based on the fact that I'm a minority. Yep, you heard that right...I'm an Appalachian White. And, thanks to being raised in the Ohio Valley, I had a good amount of my college paid for (thank God!) by simply getting good grades!

(Come to think of it, I should talk about my minority adventure in a later post).

That said, take away the grant, and my total tuition bill would only be $1,032 per quarter. Although I was on the five year program, let's simply assume I was a kick-ass four year student and multiply that full-time amount times 12 (four years over three quarter periods - Autumn, Winter, Spring) and you have a grand total of $12,384 (or 3,096 per year). Now, keep in mind, that's not including room and board. This is just straight college tuition.

Not too shabby, compared to today's average in-state tuition of $8,244 at public schools and $28,500 at private schools.

Shortly before I started college, my grandfather passed away and left me a sum of $10,000 (give or take a $1,000) that I decided to use to pay for college. This nice gift - not to mention my mom working at Kroger's for four years to help me out with rent and other expenses - allowed me to have a $0 balance when I exited Ohio State in the summer of 95.

However, those nasty credit card bills continued to plague me for a decade or so.

So, this isn't a bragging post. It's more of a shock to the system that school, well, life in general is pretty fucking expensive nowadays. And, most students, will probably have a huge student loan to pay come graduation time.

In my opinion, that sucks...especially for my kids.

Eimertoons - Mr. Happy Face

2012-01-26T08:47:00.000-05:00

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Finally....My FREE Novella of Short Stories

2012-01-10T08:06:00.023-05:00

Well, since waaaaaaayyyy back in May of 2011, I teased and promised that this would eventually happen. It took a while, but I wanted to make sure all the i's were dotted and t's crossed (so to speak).

If you click on the below link, you will be able to download MISCELLANEOUS DEBRIS - my FREE novella of short stories written circa 1999-2005. Besides two or three copyediting jobs and some tiny grammatical clean-ups (by yours truly) these stories have been untouched. Because, as I state in my forward, 'Where's the fun in that?'

DOWNLOAD MISCELLANEOUS DEBRIS

The idea to toss these stories into a collection started about a year ago, when I came across a number of odd little writings that I had collected in an online folder aptly titled 'Miscellaneous Debris'. As I read over the stories, I thought, "You know, these aren't that bad. They're not that good, but they're not that bad either."

Then, I started to think about all of those people who are afraid to showcase their work for fear of getting chastised, laughed at, or berated. To be honest, I thought of myself because it's been a personal fear that has kept me from trying to publish any of my fiction to this date. I know. I know. No inhibitions. But, it's harder than you think.

So, as a form of carthasis, I thought I'd release these not-so-great works of fiction as a stepping stone to create something better, something bigger, something that will eventually, hopefully entertain the masses. And by masses, I mean more people than the three readers of this blog and my Facebook friends.

Before you start reading...I wanted to add a couple more thoughts:

This isn't my best work, but it is some of my earliest short story work.
I would welcome your feedback on your favorite and not-so-favorite stories (if any).
I'm 100% sure that I'm NOT going to rewrite any of these stories, so save your edits.
If you do see some type-os, please make note, I have not formally sent this document to a proofreader.
Out of the 20 short, short stories in the novella, I would consider SYMPATHY, THE BLEEDER, THE BIRDFEEDER and THE BUM my personal favorites.
My least favorite would have to be CRAZY DAY, but I just tossed it in for shits and giggles.
I hope you have fun reading these as much fun as I had writing them.
You can easily read this book with an iPad or iPhone...so download away.
Right now, I have two books started that I can now focus my full attention towards completing.
I'm not going to post this post to Facebook until January 15, 2012.

Well, that said, enjoy.

Now that I have baptized myself of these mediocre stories, onto bigger and better things.

Eimer's 15 Best Movies of 2011 (and then some)

2011-12-29T08:58:00.002-05:00

As my kids grow older and my free time opens up more and more, I find myself able to expand my viewing horizons and, ultimately, see more films with my family, which is nice. They've already watched JAWS (last year with their grandmother), so I think I'm about 2 or 3 years away from taking them to R-rated fare a theater. We'll see.

Enough about great parenting. Let's get back to the films.

I've had the opportunity to see a number of great movies this year, which makes it hard to toss them all onto a list. However, I've toiled and contemplated the 15 films that really moved me enough this year to sit down and write something about them.

Keep in mind, due to circumstances beyond my control, I don't get to the theater that often. Thus, I haven't seen some of the big guns such as Mission Impossible 4, The Artist. The Girl with The Dragon Tattoo and other sure-to-be nominated for Academy Award films. Perhaps they'll make next year's list.

That said, you'll see two Academy Award winning movies from 2010 on this year's list as well as a movie from 2001. Again, they were movies I VIEWED for the first time in 2011. (Get it?)

So, here goes - my top 15 list (in no particular order), with links to IMDB for more information.

Enjoy!

CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER
This was, hands down, one of the best superhero movies to come out in quite some time. And to think that I thought this was going to be the worst super hero movie of the year. From the beginning frame to the final epilogue after the credits, Director Joe Johnston (October Sky, Jurassic Park 3, Jumanji) has given us one of this best outings to date. So, why is this movie a 5-star film? Well, it's one of the smartest superhero flicks out there. It merges a great storyline with fantastic, fun acting and a witty script (not to mention great special effects) for a complete product from start to finish. You can tell the actors had a fun time creating this movie as well. As a testament to this, my wife, who hates superhero flicks, watched this from start to finish and actually asked me to pause the movie when she left the room. That never happens people! But enough about my wife, the film is just solid. Check er out! One of the best superhero movies ever made. Yep, I said it.

CRAZY, STUPID, LOVE
I'm a sucker for romantic comedies. Scratch that. I'm a sucker for smart, endearing romantic comedies that don't insult my intelligence. Films like SAY ANYTHING, JUNEBUG, PUNCH DRUNK LOVE, THE PRINCESS BRIDE, AMELIE, IN HER SHOES and even last year's EASY A. For me, CRAZY, STUPID, LOVE, falls into that category. A fun, romantic comedy that forces you to take a step back and analyze your past loves of your life, your current relationship and the possible children that you brought onto this Earth. Sure, maybe the intertwining romantic, generational plot points all coming together at the end is a bit of a stretch, but I didn't seem to care. Steve Carell has had a long history of making bad films - minus LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE. Hopefully, he's broken the jinx. The rest of the cast including Gosling, Moore, Stone, Bacon and a perky, yet angry, Tomei comes together to make a great film that will make you smile. Just goes to show that all movies don't have to be heart-wrenching to win accolades, this film as well as the THE MUPPETS and BEGINNGERS just may well be the feel-good films of 2011.

THE DESCENDANTS
Solid film through and through. It's just a bit...well...sad. Hey, it's an Alexander Payne film (About Schmidt, Sideways, Election), so I knew there was going to be a touch of sadness, but this is heavy on the sad...and a bit light on the laughs. Just be warned. That said, Clooney does a fantastic job in the lead role. He hits a hundred different emotions in this movie and it's one of his best roles to date. he supporting cast of mostly non A-list actors (minus Beau Bridges) are also on top of their game. A shout out to Shailene Woodley and Amara Miller as Clooney's two daughters in the film. Totally believable performances from start to finish. Also, actor Nick Krause provides the most comic relief of the film as Hawaiian surf bum Sid. Like I said, it's a tear jerker. But, it's worth a viewing. Hell, when it arrives on DVD or Pay Per View, I'll more than likely watch it a couple more times, which is a solid testament to this film. Check er out.

MARTYRS
Wow. Fantastically horrific, yet very beautiful film. It's almost three movies in one with tons of twists and turns that take you, the viewer, on a rollercoaster of emotions. Is it gory? Yes! Is it a disturbing film to watch? Definitely! But, you have to trust me on this, the end justifies the means. This is not simply torture gorno porn a' la Eli Roth's HOSTEL or Aja's HIGH TENSION (both are great films by the way). There's a definite method to the madness with the final 10 minutes an almost ethereal bloodletting of the soul. Nods to Director Pascal Laugier, who I'm going to keep my eye on. Also, someone should get noticed or props for the make-up, editing, cinematography and acting. Laugier definitely kept the actors in check and under control throughout the film. No over-the-top, snarky performances here. Screenplay was fantastic. Kudos to the screwed up mind of Lauqier. Again, check 'er out with reservations. This isn't MARY POPPINS people. However, if you can stomach the 97 minutes, then I guarantee you'll be talking about this movie hours, days, months, years into the future. And, in the end, isn't that what a great film is supposed to do

MELANCHOLIA
In my opinion, a great movie has you thinking about the plot, the cinematography, the direction and the acting days, months, even years after an initial viewing. Von Trier's Melancholia does just that. The great thing about this movie is that the plot (a planet is on a collision course with Earth) can be played out in a thousand different scenarios. Von Trier decided to focus his lens on a wealthy, somewhat dysfunctional family during and after a disastrous wedding. This movie almost borders on sci-fi, but it's the acting, directing and interesting screenplay that pulls this movie together. In comparing this film with another current existential film, Malick's THE TREE OF LIFE (see my review below), this movie stands at the top. Like Malick's 3-hour opus, in a sense, this movie could be considered Von Trier's 2001: A SPACY ODYSSEY as well. But, that's not saying enough about this film. The great thing about this film, and Von Trier in general, is that he's not worried about critics or reviews. He just churns out interesting, creative films that force you to take a step back and look at your life and ask that proverbial question, "What would I do if this was happening to me?". Again, very enjoyable film. Some people will think it's slow or boring, but I was enthralled from beginning to end. Check er out!

RANGO
Whoa. I just may have watched the 2011 Academy Award winner for Best Animated Feature. Fantastic movie by Gore Verbinski and the animated team from Industrial Light and Magic. There's a reason that celebrated cinematographer Roger Deakins was brought on as a visual consultant, and it shows. The movie blends whimsical adult dialogue with not-too-cuddly characters to create an odd ball film. I watched this with my kids and they simply loved it. You know why? Because it's different! This isn't your typical Disney fare, which is great. It's a psuedo-animated western. Visually speaking, this film is a treat. The animation and art direction crew at ILM really put their heart and soul into this film. From the fluid animated movements to the quirky idiocentricities of the characters, I think they really did a fantastic job of creating this very creative anthropomorphic world. Congrats to Verbinski for having the cojones to create and produce this film. It may just pay off come Oscar time.

SUPER 8
A little bit of ET, a little bit of STAND BY ME and THE GOONIES - JJ Abrams gets it. He gets the heart, the soul and the passion of being a naive kid. Better than that, he gets dialogue, cinematograpy, screenwriting and the sense of mystery that surrounds a movie. Who cares if you see the creature 3/4 into the movie when you've got great characters to pull the movie forward? And that's the most important part about this movie; an interesting story, a fantastic plot, witty banter and exception special effects that are used as a compliment to the movie, not the main course. This movie took my back to my 70's and 80's when my naivete and childhood intertwined with nostalgic feelings and the movies I experienced when I was at that age - before I discovered women. Check 'er out!

STANLEY KUBRICK: A LIFE IN PICTURES
If you're a fan of Kubrick, or at least a couple of his films, I implore you to watch this film. It puts to rest, or in some instances reaffirms, the rumors that you've heard - once and for all. Telling his story in chronological order from his time as a photographer all the way through to EYES WIDE SHUT, the 142 minutes slides by like a 30-minute episode. Great inside interviews with top actors and crew who worked side by side with this genius film maker. Highly recommended. Very motivating to watch as well. Makes you want to run out and achieve your dreams whatever they may be.

THE KING'S SPEECH
Great film. I was dragging my heels on this one for one reason or another. The main reason being that I thought SOCIAL NETWORK was going to be the superior film. However, I can now eat crow, because both are on the same level, but for different reasons. This film, the acting totally carried the entire film. Colin Firth is amazing as King George and his stammering seems so real, so lifelike. Geoffrey Rush and Helena Bonham Carter offer fantastic supporting roles. Director Tom Hooper should also be applauded for making what would at first glance be a dull story about a speech impediment into a fantastic, edge-of-your-seat film. I had goosebumps at the end. Any Director that can suspend disbelief for two hours and actually make you feel that you were in England in 1939 when the King was giving his famous war speech, deserves to get recognition. But, that's not it, the screenplay, the art direction, the cinematography, the editing and the 2 hour length. Everything in this film is simply sublime. And, unlike, SOCIAL NETWORK, this film makes you feel a bit happy about the human condition when the credits roll.

HARRY POTTER & DEATHLY HALLOWS (PART 1 & PART 2)
Unlike Christopher Columbus' direction of the first two films, Director David Yates gets it. He gets the look and, most importantly, tone and feel of the Harry Potter universe. (Of course, Azkaban is my personal favorite of the eight). However, this movie is a great finale of the series. All of the actors take their roles seriously from Daniel Radcliffe and Helena Bonham Carter to John Hurt and Ralph Fiennes (as Voldemort). Fantastic cinematography and special effects meshed with a great storyline, pulls this film out of the three-star dumpster and tosses it into, possibly, one of the 10 best movies of the year. Check 'er out. But watch the first seven first!

BEGINNERS
I dragged my heels on this movie due to the fact that I thought it was a tear jerker bummer of a film a' la PHILADELPHIA. Turns out I was completely wrong. What a great romantic comedy. Yeah, I know. How could a movie about a 75-year old man dying from lung cancer be a romantic comedy. Well, it is and it works spectacularly. All actors are fantastic. The script and direction by Mike Mills works from beginning to end. In a time of stupid romantic movies of 2010 such as FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS, JUST GO WITH IT, FOOTLOOSE and THE TWILIGHT SAGA. It's nice and refreshing to see that someone out there is creating a great romantic film. Check 'er out!

BLACK SWAN

Aronofosky does it again, and in a completely different genre - horror. Some may argue that this is a drama. However, I would put it in the same realm as SILENCE OF THE LAMBS and ROSEMARY'S BABY. Smart horror. Aronofosky is a talented director who pushes his actors to their finest levels. It's no wonder most of his film have actor nominees when the dust settles. Portman is on top of her game. I truly cannot imagine anyone else taking this role. But that's not all. The screenplay. The grainy mixture of 16 mm and video cinematography create a muted, somewhat ethereal tone to add to the already darkened mood of the film. The handheld camera movements makes the movie feel like a documentary at times. Top it off with a great supporting cast and a fantastic script and you've got one helluva entertaining, original film. Check er out!

RESTREPO
One of the best documentaries of 2010. A fantastic, intimate look into a platoons point of view of the conflict in Afghanistan. Im not sure Ive ever seen such an up close, personal look of the soldiers in a documentary before. Fantastic cinematography and direction by Sebastian Junger and Tim Hetherington. But its the soldiers interviews that really packs a powerful punch. Powerful, powerful stuff. Highly recommended.

EIMER'S 2011 WAS IT GOOD? WAS IT BAD? PICK
THE TREE OF LIFE
Could be considered great, or not so great, upon a second viewing. As I stated above with Von Trier's Melancholia, in a sense, this felt like Malick's 2001: A SPACY ODYSSEY. The acting was fantastic. Brad Pitt is having a banner year for acting jobs. The supporting cast, in particular the young son is top notch as well. I'm just not sure if I really like this movie because the critics and reviews say I'm supposed to, or if there is a deeper meaning to all of this. I understand that Malick is a very nature-specific guy filming loads and loads of natural elements to intersperse with the actors. Seems to me that Malick chose this family as a tiny snippet of the big kahuna that is life. I'm just not sure how that affected me including the 15-plus minute 'The Earth is Born' sequence at the beginning of the film Sometimes it seemed to take away from the movie altogether. Sometimes I found myself wondering why was this all necessary. Sometimes I found myself asking 'Why in the Hell did Sean Penn take this role?' Was there a lot more that they shot of Sean Penn as the grown-up son? Did Malick leave it on the cutting room floor? I guess I would like to hear what Malick's intentions were before I toss the movie into the realm of greatness. Which begs the question, if I'm asking so many questions, does it make it a great movie? Well, at the very least, I tossed it on this list stars mainly for acting and direction - and the fact that it's still making me think about it a month and a half after I've viewed it.

The Rest of the Pack
Below are some films that were almost considered as top views, but didn't quite make the cut:

The Muppets
127 Hours
Midnight In Paris
Horrible Bosses
X-Men: First Class
Bridesmaids
Puss in Boots
Contagion
Biutiful
Win Win
Limitless
The Way Back
Rio
Never Let Me Go
The Fighter
Last Train Home
Let Me In
Enter The Void
Exit Through the Gift Shop
Dogtooth
Easy A

LOOKING FOR MORE TOP MOVIES?

EIMER'S TOP MOVIES OF 2010

Eimer's Worst Movies of 2011

2011-12-28T08:24:00.002-05:00

Well, with the good comes the bad, and I've come across a lot of bad this year - even though I try to stay away from the very, very bad films (I'm talking to you Director/Producer Michael Bay and the third Chipmunks sequel).

But, sometimes, thanks to my kids and my blatant stupidity, I toss a movie into the DVD player that I think is going to rock - and it just ends up sucking a big bag of balls in the end.

So, because it's much more fun writing nasty reviews than positive ones, I'd like to share my 10 WORST viewing experiences of 2011.

Keep in mind, I watch a lot of movies on DVD, so the films may be a year or so old. Eh, you get the drift.

Well, what am I waiting for? Let's go:

FAST FIVE
Does not like. What do you get when you mix OCEAN'S 11 with THE ITALIAN JOB and a bunch of terrible actors? A big turd named FAST FIVE! I cannot fathom why, this year, more than one critic tossed this onto their top ten of 2011 lists, which romanced and massaged me enough to actually toss this into my Netflix queue and waste 131 minutes of my precious life. The dialogue was terrible. Just terrible. The action scenes were predictable and dumb (two cars pulling a 10-ton safe through the streets of Rio taking hair-pin turns and not messing up their cars one bit? Really?), the plot, a slightly tweaked version of OCEAN'S 11, was ludicrous. Ludicrous I say! Screenwriters Chris Morgan and Gary Scott Thompson even had the stones to steal the character personas from Danny Ocean's suave crime syndicate. Look, I semi-enjoyed the first FAST & THE FURIOUS for what it was...a movie that entertained all the gear heads out there with fast cars and loose women. I stayed away from the other installments as a personal protest against bad films. Now, who's the sucker? Curse you paid-off critics! Curse you! Not only for insulting my intelligence, but for sucking me back into this terrible, terrible franchise.

THE DILEMMA
If the trailer for this film has piqued your curosity, just a warning that you're going to watch a totally different film. It's not a goofy comedy. It's bordlerine drama. Plus, it's not that funny. Even Vince Vaughn's interesting little tantrums and speeches couldn't transform my frown into a smile. Not much more to say. Wasted acting. Wasted talent. Wasted script. Wasted movie. Save your 112 minutes, because you'll never get it back. NEVER!

GULLIVER'S TRAVELS
Although my kid's loved it, this movie did absolutely nothing for me. Granted, a 39-year old father is probably not the demographic that the producers were trying to grab for this film. I just felt everyone was sleepwalking through this movie to make a simple buck. Nobody brought their A-game to this film. Shame on director Rob Letterman for creating this tripe. Rent TIME BANDITS or GOONIES instead. Those two movies are a much bigger fantasy bang for your buck - and your time.

WRECKED
This movie was 45 minutes too long, even considering the fact that I fast-forwarded through about half of it. WRECKED is a like a failed Gus Van Sant experimental movie. I was bored, bored, bored as hell. Here's my idea for the perfect fix, have Adrien Brody's character actually have flashbacks during the movie. Little tiny snippets a' la MOMENTO where he starts to finally realize how and why he wrecked and who in the hell those people are in the car. Was this movie a good idea? Hell, it's a great idea. Just poor direction. Poor screenplay. And, worst of all, a very boring movie. It's a pity, because I had very high hopes for this film after reading all of the review.

GROWN-UPS
Oh man was I excited when I saw the line-up: Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, Rob Schneider, David Spade and Kevin James as five childhood pals who reunite after 30 years to mourn the loss of their old basketball coach. Boy was I wrong! How is it possible to have such comedic talents and garner such few laughs. Terrible script. Terrible direction. Just a bad movie all around. Yes, the pee turning blue in the pool was funny. But do you really want to waste 2 hours of your life waiting for the one joke that you saw in the trailers? Such a pity. Man this one sucked ass.

13 ASSASSINS
I had high hopes for this film, but it all just fell very, very flat - and I'm a fan of Takashi Miike. It seems like the first part was basically samurai sitting and talking, sitting and talking with a tiny bit of sadistic torture tossed into the mix. The second half picked up a bit, but by that time, I was yawning and looking at my watch. It sucks that I had such a terrible viewing experience for a film that I've been anticipating for quite some time.

THE REEF
Meh, didn't really do it for me. Look, this film was heads and tails above the other low indie shark movie OPEN WATER. The characters were more likable. The cinematography was a bit better and the plot, well, it still reaked of JAWS 4 - a serial killer shark is hunting the ocean for the only perceived food source in hundreds of hundreds of miles. Like I said, it was entertaining enough, but it just felt redundant and stale. Australian accents can't even pull this rank chum out of the 2-star dumpster.

BARNEY'S VERSION
Sure Paul Giamatti was great. But, after watching this movie, two things came to mind. First off it was waaaay too long. Secondly, it reminded me of MR. SATURDAY NIGHT starring Billy Crystal (with waaay better make-up of course). There just seemed to be too many plot points stirring around in this soup that, at the end of the film, I was scratching my head. Not that I didn't have answers. It just felt like it was a blah ending. I don't know, people are giving this movie five stars and praising everything about it. The acting is good. The editing, script and direction are the real culprits in this film.

RED HILL
Sometimes when I toss in a movie that I know nothing about, I sit back and wonder to myself This may be the next RESERVOIR DOGS or PULP FICTION or DONNIE DARKO. Well, this isnt anyone of them. As we were watching the Aborigine man chase down white guy after white guy my wife screamed out "Buncha pussies! Why don't they fight back?" Well, theres a reason and you have to wait to the very end to find out why. Yes, this is an okay nice revenge, twist tale. But its not as fantastic as everyone has made it out to be. Nothing great. Okay acting. Okay idea. Okay direction. In two words...just okay.

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 2
Meh. I was a fan of the original. Plus, when I heard Director Tod Williams (DOOR IN THE FLOOR) signed on for this sequel, I was doubly excited. With exception to better acting than the original, I can honestly say that I was expecting a bit more. Don't worry, you'll get your share of out of your seat suspense. But, I thought the storyline and the ultimate end was a bit milquetoast for me. Even with a little baby thrown into the scary mix, consider me underwhelmed. Rent the original for more scares and creepiness.

If you like these crappy movies, check out more of my worst movies of last year below:

Eimer's Worst Movies of 2010

Eimer's Top Reads of 2011

2011-12-28T08:02:00.000-05:00

Well, it's that time of the year when I reminisce about the year that was. Truth be told, I didn't read as many books as I have in years past. Not sure if my attention was focused on other things, I've been reading longer books or simply, my eyesight is failing me and it takes longer to read fine text. All in all, I believe I read a total of 26 or so books this past year. Not much, but enough to have a top ten list.

Also, I ask anyone and everyone to visit Goodreads.com and open up a FREE membership where you can mark and rate your favorite-and not so favorite-books, write reviews and build a 'to-read' list based on other reader's recommendations, and more!

Now, shameless promotions aside, let's get to the books.

This year, it seems that I've picked a number of duds including Xenocide (the third book in the Ender series), Ray Bradbury's Dandelion Wine and A Man in the Woods by Scott Spencer. Very disappointed with these three books among others.

However, as the whale shit sunk to the bottom of the ocean floor (or in this case my book pile), ten books served as the distinctive cream that rose to the top including three books by three of my favorite illustrators. Plus, a special shout out to my copywriter companion Craig Israel who recommended not one, not two, but three books, which made this list. Thanks bud!

So, without further adieu, here were my top-ten favorite books of 2011 (in no particular order):

The Book of Genesis Illustrated by R. Crumb

Well, now I can officially say that I've read the Book of Genesis! However, it wouldn't have been as nearly entertaining had it not been illustrated by R. Crumb. Couple thoughts...the story of Noah, Adam and Eve and Cain and Abel as well as Sodom and Gommorah are extremely short - less than a page or two. It seems like this Rebekah character controlled all of the early men's decisions in the Bible. It's funny to see that people lived to be 400 or 500 years old in the olden days but - in today's time of radical medicine and prescriptions - we have an average lifespan of 77. Speaking of Noah, since a flood wiped out all of humanity, then technically, everyone on this Earth is the spawn of Noah? Correct? There are pages and pages of boring, mundane text talking about who had sex with who and then lists and lists and lists of the children's names. By far, the most enjoyable part was the story of Joseph, which ended this extremely daunting first chapter of the Bible on a high note. Thanks to Crumb for offering a visually stunning 'take' on this important manuscript. Highly recommended for the visuals. Slightly recommended for the overall text.

Freedom by Jonathan Franzen

Wow. What a novel. Reminded me of a modern day Grapes of Wrath. Where as Steinbeck's fantastic novel talked about the plight of the American farmer and their struggles to feed themselves and find constant work to survive. Franzen, the author, focuses his lens on the modern day family's (The Bergland's) internal, psychological struggles with their emotions, their beliefs, their sanity and their ultimate pursuit of happiness. A struggle to find what will make them truly free. Like Steinbeck, Franzen has strong control of the English language and creates a fantastic story interpersed with plausible, believable dialogue between the characters. A genius work (and I don't use genius oftern). The first 100 pages, you may be scratching your head and wondering where this is going. Give it time. The book percolates in your mind, lets you slowly get to know the characters and then grabs a hold of you until the very last sentence. Seriously. This book would make a great HBO mini-series

20^th-Century Ghosts by Joe Hill

The short story, in particular, the short horror story is a dangerous nut to crack, as you'll see when I release my little nuggets to the world in a couple of weeks. Some great fiction, science fiction and horror writers are known for their fabulous short stories including Harlan Ellison, Ray Bradbury, Clive Barker and Stephen King - even Hemingway among others. Other long-form horror writers try and try to create a good short story, but fall short. Which brings us to Joe Hill who has offered up a handful of not necessarily gore shriek stories, but rather eerie, odd, fantastical stories. Hence the term 20th Century Ghosts. These aren't goblins and spooky critters, but somewhat real people that you could possibly run into on the street. The thing about Hill, is he has a knack for dialogue and his character can be very funny, very sarcastic when need be. His stories could be pulled from this book and tossed into an episode of Twilight Zone without much tinkering. I was very happy with this collection. However a number of his stories came to the top of the 'jealousy' pile including BEST NEW HORROR, POP ART, THE BLACK PHONE, THE CAPE, MY FATHER'S MASK and VOLUNTARY COMMITTAL (which is quite possibly one of the best short stories I've read in quite some time). So, there you have it. After reading his 'okay' long-form novel HEART-SHAPED BOX, I'm looking forward to reading some other great entries from this up-and-coming horror writer.

Freakonomics by Steven Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner

This isn't a book for nerds. Well, not really. This is a book celebrating the numbers, the statistics, the data of life, the (dare I say?) hidden side of everything. Steven D. Levitt and economist Steven J. Dubner provide an easy-to-read thought-provoking book on economics...with a twist. Want to know why crime has gone down in the past 20 years? It's not because gun control. What's in your child's name? As it turns out, a lot. Do teachers and sumo wrestlers cheat? You'll be surprised to learn that some of them do. What makes a good parent? Well, as it turns out - it's not reading to them. How is drug dealing a lot like McDonalds? Find out in this book. Are there similarities between real estate agents and the KKK? In a word, yes! Economist Levitt and journalist Dubner come together to create a page-turner of fascinating facts that will make you the most brilliant chap at any cocktail party. Seriously! I'm sorry that I dragged my heels on reading this book. It was a very fun read.

The Princess of Mars by Edgar Rice Burroughs

After I read that Andrew Stanton (Wall-E, Finding Nemo) signed on the dotted line to direct a live-action movie about Edgar Rice Burroughs' The Princes of Mars (aptly titled John Carter of Mars), count me intrigued. I've always heard fellow geeks in my fellow geek circles talking about this book, but didn't think much of it. "Pffftt. It's an old dusty book about a guy who goes to mars and fights aliens," I would say. Well, turns out I was half-right. The other half is that it's actually an entertaining read. Keep in mind that this book was first published in 1917. Almost 100 years ago! Then, you can respect Burrough's vision and creativity and imagination. Sure, some of the plot is a little clunky (how did JC get to Mars?) and writing is a bit antiquated. But, so what. That's the fun of the book. It's a great, pulpy science fiction book that inspired a lot of famous writers, directors and scientists to think beyond this Earth. And start looking to the stars for literary and literal exploration. Will I continue to read Burroughs' John Carter series? Eventually. But not right now. There's too many other books I want to read. After talking with a friend, he mentioned that Burroughs uses the famous cliffhanger technique from book to book. He does it with this original entry as well, which piqued my curiosity. So, yeah, I'll probably explore the series a bit more down the line. However, I'm very happy that I picked up this important piece of science fiction literature. It's definitely worth a read.

Physics of the Future by Michio Kaku

Great interesting book. If you ever wanted to step into a time machine and find out what life was going to be like in 25, 50 or 100 years - this is the book. Based on patents that are currently at the patent office and conversation with some of the smartest, forward-thinking minds of this century - theoretical physicist Michio Kaku paints an optimistic picture of the future. No more gas. No more disease. No more aging. Tons of robots. And expanded space travel and colonization. The book, at times, is a little heady, but the brilliant Kaku tries his best to speak in lamen's terms referring to pop culture movies, tv shows, books and magazines to help illustrate his thoughts. One of the most eerie parts lies in the the final chapter where Kaku takes us through a day in the life of a 71-year old man in 2100 - as close as you're going to get to seeing the real thing. Check er out.

The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins

My favorite book of this past year. Not only a great read for young adults, but for everyone. Sure, comparisons will be made to THE LONG WALK, BATTLE ROYALE and THE RUNNING MAN, but Suzanne Collins creates a somewhat plausible, eerie dystopian world where 24 teenagers battle to the death in a forested arena...and only one survives. A real entertaining page-turner that will have you thinking long and hard weeks and months after you finish it. LIke I said, very entertaining, creative, violent read, which is surprising for a young adult novel. TWILIGHT this ain't, so check 'er out!

Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins

Collins' follow-up to the fantastic horror novel The Hunger Games, I enjoyed the story arc, the writing and even the great twist in the middle - and the end. However, although this is a great second novel, in my opinion nothing will compare to the first novel. I wish I could say more, but the beauty of this series is the element of surprise that springs out at the reader each and every page. Read the books and tell me what you think. Highly recommended. EIMER NOTE: Although I read Collins' third and final Hunger Games novel, Mockingjay - I did not include it on this list for a number of reasons. Although it was good, it just wasn't top-ten worthy.

Berni Wrightson: A Look Back by Christopher Zavisa and Berni Wrightson

Fantastic book. If you're an illustrator, a fan of comic books or simply like staring and learning about great art, this is the book for you. Bernie Wrightson is the master. It's nice to get inside his head and see what makes him tick as an artist. The cool thing about this book is not only the great art, but the fact that Bernie actually takes the time to talk about his work - including his failures, which makes him a bit more human in my eyes.

MAD's Greatest Artists: Sergio Aragones: Five Decades of His Finest Works by Sergio Aragones and Patrick McDonnell
If you're a fan of MAD Magazine, cartooning or ironic-filled cartoons, you need to check out this book, which supplies the best of the best of Sergio Aragones' five decades of work at MAD Magazine - hand picked by the author/illustrator himself. If it wasn't for this guy and Don Martin, I wouldn't have dabbled in cartooning myself. This is a great collection of some of Aragones' funniest gags. Great, great stuff by a truly talented, and mad, genius.

ADDITIONAL WARNING: If you're interested in any of the above books, I implore you to not (NOT) visit Wikipedia to learn more. Wikipedia summaries are filled to the gills with spoilers that will ruin your reading experience.

Well, there you have it. If you're interested in other top ten list from years past click the links below:

Eimertoons - Battle Claus

2011-12-21T20:55:00.000-05:00

(click image to enlarge)

Check back next week for an Anatomy of an Eimertoon of this particular pen and ink drawing.

Oh, and Happy Holidays!

What do James Brown, Sinead O' Connor, Public Enemy and Madonna have in common?

2011-12-07T08:00:00.015-05:00

A couple days ago, my wife and I were listening to 'I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got' by Sinead O'Connor. Great album/cd/download by the way.

THE SONG 'I AM STETCHED ON YOUR GRAVE' CAME ON...

"HEY," I SAID. "THAT SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE 'SECURITY OF THE FIRST WORLD' FROM PUBLIC ENEMY"

"HEY," MY WIFE SAID. "THAT SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE 'JUSTIFY MY LOVE' BY MADONNA"

"HEEEE-AAAAY," JAMES BROWN YELLED FROM THE AFTERLIFE. "THAT SOUNDS A LOT LIKE MY SONG 'FUNKY DRUMMER' " (forward to 5:34 on the below track)

Sketchbook - Zombie Kill

2011-12-05T08:00:00.000-05:00

Sure it's Christmastime, but damn if I can't stop drawing zombies!

(click to enlarge)

Eimertoons - Thermostat

2011-11-28T08:10:00.003-05:00

(click image to enlarge)

Top Movies to See This Holiday Season

2011-11-23T12:29:00.002-05:00

While you're dicking around on your computer today waiting for the clock to strike 5 p.m. so you can get the hell out of the office and start enjoying the Thanksgiving holiday, I thought I'd write up a little something to entertain you during lunch.

After checking out Rotten Tomatoes' 2011 Holiday Movie Preview, I can honestly say that three are a number of intriguing films that are being released in the next 6 weeks.

And without further adieu, let me give you the top movies that I would like to see in a good, old-fashioned theater this holiday season (in no particular order):

HUGO
Directed by Martin Scorcese, and in 3-D, Hugo (based on the very entertaining young adult book The Invention of Hugo Cabret by Brian Selznick) has already been getting great buzz in movie geek circles. Hell, it's got an all-star cast, a great director and a fantastic, original plot - plus it's great for kids. What more could you ask for in a holiday movie?

THE DESCENDANTS
A movie directed, written for the screen and produced by Alexander Payne? Starring George Clooney? Go check out both of their film resumes (which I linked to their names) and you'll understand why this is on my list.

THE ARTIST
Without knowing too much about this film, count me intrigued. It's in black and white. It's a silent film. So, you're probably asking yourself, 'How can this movie be that good?' Well, all I know is that it's been cleaning up the awards circuit including a best actor win for star Jean Dujardin and a Palme d'Or nomination at Cannes. And, again, it's an original plot, which always gets me excited.

A DANGEROUS METHOD
When you have Director David Cronenberg (The Fly, Eastern Promises, A History of Violence) attached to any movie, it's sure to be a rather interesting trip (ahem, Naked Lunch). When you have Michael Fassbender and Viggo Mortensen playing Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud who are both fascinated by a particularly sexy patient played by Keira Knightly - you have the perfect concoction for a rather odd period drama.

THE SITTER
This just looks like a fun comedy starring Jonah Hill as a babysitter. From what Rotten Tomatoes says 'it's Adventures in Babysitting for the Twitter generation.' Also Directed by David Gordon Green who has directed a handful of great dramas (All the Real Girls, Undertow, Snow Angels) as well as the funny (Pineapple Express as well as episodes of HBO comedy Eastbound & Down).

TINKER, TAILER, SOLDIER, SPY
I know absolutely nothing about this film, which is a good thing. But with an all-star cast such as Gary Oldman, Colin Firth, Tom Hardy and John Hurt not to mention Director Tomas Alfredson (who directed one of the best horror movies ever in Let The Right One In), this movie looks to be a lot of espionage-laden fun.

ALVIN & THE CHIPMUNKS: CHIPWRECKED
Just kidding. :)

THE ADVENTURES OF TIN TIN
Directed by Steven Speilberg. Produced by Peter Jackson. Winter-animated film based on the hit adventure series of yore. What more do you need to say?

THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO
I read all three books by Steig Larrson. I've even viewed the three foreign films based on the same name. But, there's just something about this outing directed by David Fincher, that seems very intriguing. The books are pretty dark. Fincher knows dark (Se7en, Fight Club, Zodiac). And, by the looks of the trailer, he seems to have gotten the look and feel down pat - at the very least what I pictured in my mind. I have faith that screenwriter Steve Zaillen (Schindler's List, Moneyball, Gangs of New York) has been faithful to Larrson's book. And kudos to Fincher for making Rooney Mara (who plays Lisbeth Salandar in the film) look extra homely...exactly as I pictured her in the books. Oh, and let's not forget a soundtrack by Nine Inch Nails frontman (and Academy Award winner) Trent Reznor.

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE - GHOST PROTOCOL
With J.J. Abrams producing and director Brad Bird behind the lens, this looks to be an interesting fourth entry into this Tom Cruise franchise. However, I'll be honest and say the only reason I want to see this film is to see what Academy Award-Winning Animated Film Director Bird (Rataouille, The Incredibles) can do with a live-action cast. If he can even equal what he's done for animation (Simpsons, The Iron Giant, etc.) then the man is sure to have a very long live-action filmmaking career.

WE BOUGHT A ZOO
I was dragging my heels on this one. But, when I found out that this would be Cameron Crowe's fictional directional return after taking a six-year hiatus (remember the not-so-great Elizabethtown?), I was intrigued. (Note: Crowe directed two documentaries last year - one about Pearl Jam, the other about Elton John). It looks like it's going to be a feel-good movie that will just make you want to hug everyone when it's over. And, let's be honest, is there anything wrong with that? Considering most of my other choices are a bit darker, why not include at least one feel-good movie on this list.

Well, there you have it. Sure, there are other movies that I want to see, but just not really too excited to view in a theater including Young Adult, We Need to Talk About Kevin, The Darkest Hour, War Horse, The Muppets, My Week With Marilyn, Melancholia and let's not forget Chipwrecked (just kidding).

So, what do you think?

Eimer's Top Ten Verbal Rants During His Daily Commute

2011-11-10T10:17:00.013-05:00

Every day. Every single work day, I have a 30-minute work commute from my hometown of Bath, Ohio, to downtown Cleveland.

A couple weeks ago, I was driving to work with my wife (yes, we work at the same company) and she commented on my disgusting, sometimes filthy, outbursts on the road.

Being myself, and comfortable in my own skin, I had no idea what she was talking about...until I started to pay attention to my so-called 'filthy outbursts'.

In short, I’m embarrassed, disgusted and, well, sometimes entertained.

That said, for the past couple days, I’ve made a mental note to remember some of my not-so-nice comments yelled to other drivers on the road. And, sadly, I would like to share with you, my loyal reader, my top-ten favorites (or not-so favorites) with notes:

1. ‘Oh my God, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me!’
I was following this slow, old van into work today. Obviously he was lost and was hesitating on a green light in hopes that it would turn red so he could get his whereabouts around the big, scary city of Cleveland. I shouted this when he stopped at a yellow light - a light that he obviously could have easily made.

2. ‘Piece of shit, asshole!’
I think this goes without saying. This is my go-to bellow when I can’t think of anything creative to say.

3. 'Fuck an A, Jesus fucking Christ, you goddamn bitch!'
I was following some lady who was fussing with her hair and constantly looking in the rear-view mirror to fix her fucking face. She was in the left-hand speeding lane and putting on fucking lipstick. Really?

4. 'Move to the right you old bag!’ or ‘Move to the right you fucking white head!’
Let me preface this by saying, I love old people. I really do...except when they drive. I firmly believe, after the age of 70 years old, everyone should take a driving test every two years to prove to the authorities that you are a capable driver. That’s just me.

5. ‘Right is fast. Left is slow. Did you ever take a fucking driver’s test?’
I shouted this to a couple of drivers who were, obviously, in the right-hand lane either talking on the phone, screwing around with their goddamn GPS or putting on their fucking make-up.

6.‘Oh, give me a fucking break!’
Although somewhat familiar to rant #1, I specifically yell this rant when some driver does something that is so fucking stupid, that I’m just completely flabbergasted. Examples include, dodging between lanes and cars, swerving on the road, obviously texting someone, constantly looking over at their passenger and trying to have a meaningful conversation and reaching for something in the passenger seat (i.e. lipstick, coffee, Hostess apple pie, etc.)

7. ‘Ha. Ha. Fuck you asshole!’
Although not very creative, I say this to driver’s that attempt to pass me up on the right-hand lane only to be cock-blocked by a big rig or slow van. Trust me, if someone gets on my ass, I cordially put on my blinker and get in the right-hand land (see quote #8 below). However, if it’s obvious that I’m in the fast lane for a reason and that I’m also in the same traffic that they’re in, I have no fucking sympathy for you.

8. ‘Go forth my little rabbit!’
I say this to people who are on my ass and are dying to pass me up – sometimes they flick their headlights at me, which makes me feel especially great. But I don’t care. I consider them my little rabbits who, eventually, will get eaten by the wolves (i.e. the State Highway Patrol). And when I see them picked up by the police (and often I do), I say quote #7 with pleasure.

9. 'There you go. Now turn your steering wheel to the right and get in the right-hand lane. Good job!'
This is obviously to people who have no clue how to drive. However, instead of yelling at said driver, I say this in a quiet, almost snarky, somewhat sarcastic tone like I’m a new pet owner talking to a little kitten or puppy.

10. ‘Your fucking piece of shit belongs in a goddamn dump!’
Look, I get it. Times are tough. A lot of people can’t afford nice cars. Hell, I’m driving a 2005 Toyota Camry myself. But, at least, I keep up to date on the tires, the oil changes and regular routine maintenance. I save this little blurb for people who, obviously, could give two shits about their vehicle. Ironically, I’ve noticed myself saying this a lot more since I moved up to Northeast Ohio from Columbus.

BONUS RANT:

11. 'I will fucking kill you.'
Trust me, I don't pull this one out of the mental suitcase too often. But when I do, I totally mean it. This special rant has to be under extreme conditions where a driver is doing something so awful, so confounding, so gosh-darn stupid that it just sets me off. My wife overheard this quote a couple times, and was speechless. Her eyes wide, she looked over at me, and yelled. 'Are you fucking crazy? You need to relax.' I guess I am. And I guess I probably do.

Well, there you have it.

Now, I’m curious. I’d like to hear your favorite dirty little quotes during your morning commute.

Please do tell...

Eimer Book Review - Neil Gaiman's American Gods

2011-11-08T13:39:00.000-05:00

When I read that Tom Hanks optioned the rights to Gaiman's third novel for an HBO mini-series, I was intrigued.

For the past 10 years, like a basket of unimportant dirty laundry, my copy of American Gods has been resting comfortably in a box of 'to-read' books in my basement. However, thanks to this little nugget of information, I thought now would be the ideal to dust if off, free it from its cardboard confines and finally, delve into this behemoth of book.

Well, now that I'm finished, I have mixed feelings. Although I tip my hat to Gaiman for taking on such an interesting, grandiose idea, I thought this novel was a bit long, a bit winded and a bit (dare I say) bland.

Don't get wrong. The plot is very intriguing: the old forgotten gods of yore band together to battle the new gods of technology, television and internet in a no-holds barred final war. And you can feel Gaiman's excitement as the English-born author travels vicariously across the United States through the main character Shadow and his mysterious partner Wednesday in search of unknown, once-great gods to wage his war.

The writing is, as expected from Gaiman, excellent. But, I found the main character of Shadow a bit boring. I found the Gods not that exciting, much like the creatures from Jim Henson's The Mystics from The Dark Crystal who slowly ponder across the land. I found the entire book to be just 'okay'. Although important to the overall story, the dream sequences were a bit too much in my opinion. Maybe it's just me, but I'm just not a big fan of reading about character's dreams in print form.

I will, however, give a nod to the Gaiman's murder/mystery story within a story set in the small town of Lakeside. A very intriguing idea that could have been a separate book in itself.

Am I glad that I read it? You bet. But in a perfect world, this novel would have been about 300 pages shorter for my tastes.

Check 'er out...sadly, with reservations.

18 Animated Movies Eligible for the 2012 Best Animated Oscar

2011-11-05T12:50:00.000-04:00

Movie geek blog Slashfilm just put up an article that announced the 18 2011 films that are eligible for the Best Animated Oscar award this year which include:

Rango

Kung Fu Panda 2

Puss in Boots

Rio

Cars 2

Hoodwinked Two! Hood Vs. Evil

Gnomeo & Juliet

Mars Needs Moms

Winnie the Pooh

The Adventures of Tintin

Arthur Christmas

Happy Feet Too

Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

The Smurfs

Alois Nebel

A Cat in Paris

Chico & Rita

Wrinkles

Based on my previous viewings of said films as well as word of mouth buzz and reviews, I'm going to pick the following five contenders:

Rango

Winnie the Pooh

The Adventures of Tin Tin

Puss in Boots

Rio

And, going with my gut here, I'm going to pick the Spielberg Directed, Peter Jackson Produced The Adventures of Tin Tin the winner with Rango a very close second followed by Mars Needs Moms (just kidding!)

So, what do you think?

Winnie the Pooh Medications

2011-11-01T08:53:00.000-04:00

A while back, I talked about my theory that the Disney cartoon My Friends Tigger & Pooh takes place in the mind of a very old lady named Darby who resides in the Hundred Acre Woods mental facility and lives with people who appear to be the popular characters in the show....but they're crazy humans as well.

Well, to further cement my theory, I came across this infographic of medications for winnie the pooh characters courtesy of laughingsquid.com:

All I have to say is who's laughing now? Who's fucking laughing now?

Bwahahahahahahahahaha!

Eimer's Netflix Reviews - Puss In Boots

2011-10-31T08:16:00.011-04:00

Nice spin-off tale of the fabled, saucer-eyed feline from the Shrek tales.

Lots of tongue-in-cheek cat jokes mixed with a pretty funny storyline concerning Jack and Jill, Humpty Dumpty, the Magical Beanstalk and the Goose that lays Golden Eggs pull this movie out of the three-star dumpster.

Funny, witty screenwriting, not to mention above par Dreamworks animation and quality direction by Chris Miller (who, coincidentally, directed SHREK THE THIRD).

Plus, can you really go wrong with Guillermo Del Toro (PAN'S LABYRINTH, HELLBOY) as a surprising executive producer addition?

As far as voice acting goes, Antonio, Salma, Zach, Amy Sedaris and Billy Bob bring their A-game and seem to be having a lot of fun with their characters. For adults, the smart writing and adult humor will make you appreciate the film possibly more than your kids.

Highly recommended for cat lovers and, of course, animation lovers as well. Which begs the question, with RANGO, WINNIE THE POOH, RIO and the upcoming TIN TIN film, isn't this a great year for animated films?!!

Check er out!

Click here for more Eimer reviews

Proof That Aliens Exist...Or Just Another Damn Hoax?

2011-10-18T08:00:00.001-04:00

So, about three weeks ago, my good buddy (and fellow UFO-nerd) Matt sent me an interesting email with 'See this one?' in the Subject line followed by the attached link:

First a little backstory.

Between the years of 2007 and 2009, a night guard named Yalcin Yalman allegedly captured a number of amazing UFO shots in the city of Kumburgaz, Istanbul. In order to capture these high-definition shots, Yalman added a special lens which could capture close ups of almost 200 times that of a normal camera.

You can watch a stablilized version of the entire video(s) here.

In any event, Yalman captured several minutes of substantial video of the above metallic UFOs floating in the Turkey night sky.

One night, which you can view in the above video, he captured what seems to be aliens (or grays as their known in special UFO geek circles) sticking their little heads out of a little hatch at the top of the UFO.

Alien tourists perhaps?

Although I'm a big UFO buff, I like to think of myself as a pretty big skeptic when it comes to these type of videos. With the onset of computer technology, not to mention Adobe After Effects, any punk with a computer and half a brain can create a somewhat realistic UFO blazing across a clear blue sky.

However, this video footage is pretty remarkable to say the least. Otherwise I wouldn't be sharing it with you.

If you do a little more digging you'll find out that the videos were sent to many video experts throughout the world by Dr. Roger Leif, a self-proclaimed UFO expert.

And, here's the kicker, no one can debunk the videos. No one can prove their 100% legit either. But, the most important thing is that most of these 'experts' do not seem to believe that these videos are a hoax.

Cool!

You know, I scan a number of blogs, search youtube for crazy videos and frequently browse a number of semi-famous UFO sites. Most of the stuff I come across is highly suspect. However, every once in a while, I come across a little gem like this that's just too damn interesting not to talk about.

Hell, these videos definitely have me scratching my head.

So, what do you think? Major hoax? Or the truth that aliens do, in fact, exist and are visiting our planet?

I would hope the latter.

Sketchbook - October 3, 2011

2011-10-03T22:27:00.000-04:00

(click image to enlarge)

R.I.P Tom Wilson Sr.

2011-09-19T08:00:00.017-04:00

I came across this article today where beloved, and sometimes hated, cartoonist Tom Wilson Sr. of Ziggy fame passed away.

I say sometimes hated because I know more people that hated Ziggy than loved him. However, from my point of view, any guy who can figure out a way to make it in the cartoon world, and make money at it, deserves some sort credit.

Despite how crappy the cartoons are perceived in some circles, the man gets my respect.

Wilson, who was a creative director at American Greetings for more than 30 years, first got his break at the age of 38 (which is good to read since I'm 39) when Ziggy first appeared in 1969 in a cartoon collection called When You're not Around .

Two years later and Ziggy was syndicated and, well, the rest is history.

When I worked as a copywriter for the Dispatch Marketing Deptartment in 2003, our VP of marketing had this brilliant idea to bring a local, award-winning cartoonist to speak at an account function hosted by the Columbus Dispatch.

Two or three months prior to this fantastic idea, we had the opportunity of seeing Pulitzer Prize-winning political cartoonist and Mother Goose & Grimm creator Mike Peters speak at a separate Dispatch function.

Peters, a very great speaker and entertainer, took us through a number of his personal political cartoons and added a couple fun quips about each cartoon. He had the entire crowd laughing. I noticed a couple of Dispatch execs (who will not be named at this time) spit up coffee while laughing at Peter's on-stage antics.

So, our VP thought he could capture that lightning in a bottle once again by asking Tom Wilson Sr.'s son, Tom Wilson Jr. to come up and speak. Wilson Jr. took over the reigns of the popular comic strip in 1987 after his father Wilson Sr. couldn't complete the daily demands of writing and drawing Ziggy.

So, we made the phone calls, set up the times and sent out the invitations and three months later, Wilson Jr. was driving up from Cincinnati to give a speech in Columbus.

I first met Wilson at the Dispatch Marketing Building. To be honest, I was expecting an old man with gray hair, thick glasses and a humpback from drawing over his cartoon table for years and years. Of course, I was thinking about the original Tom Wilson Sr. and forgot that we invited Tom Wilson Jr. - the current Ziggy cartoonist over.

Tom Jr. was a tall, thin, fit-looking man. He had all of his hair and, surprisingly, it wasn't even white. We shook hands and proceeded to take a small tour of the facilities.

Then, Wilson Jr., the VP of marketing and myself hopped into a car and headed out to the Wolfe's private lodge where they conduct a number of private Dispatch functions. Think, the Eyes Wide Shut mansion without the hard-core sex and you get an idea of the place.

We talked about cartoons, the ever-declining newspaper industry, his new company Character Matters and - of course - his father. When we arrived at the Lodge, a number of account reps and other people greeted him warmly at the door. We proceeded to eat a decent lunch and then it was Wilson's time to shine.

As nicely as I can possibly say this, Tom Jr. was no Mike Peters. He stormed out of the gates like Barbaro at the Preakness Stakes...awkward and clumsy. He wheeled out this pretty big overhead projector and drew one picture of Ziggy. That's it just one picture of Ziggy smelling a flower. Then he talked - more like mumbled - a little bit about the philosophy of Ziggy and the cartoon industry.

Put it this way, no one was spitting up any coffee by insane laughter.

However, noticing a lapse in the excitement factor of Wilson Jr. and his non-crazy shenanigans, our fearless VP of Marketing (or was it our fearless Marketing Director?) leaped into action and asked the crowd if there were any questions for Mr. Wilson.

I rose my hand and asked a question about the newspaper industry. Pretty much, it was the same thing we talked about on the car ride over. And he responded eloquently. The crowd perked up and started paying more attention. And some other people started to wave their hands to ask questions. And a couple more. And a couple more.

About 15-20 different people asked Wilson Jr. questions, to which Wilson responded in a lively, congenial and actually pretty funny manner. People actually laughed at his remarks - with the beginning of the presentation a distant speck on the horizon in the rear-view mirror.

At the end of the Q&A, Wilson Jr. received a healthy appluase and proceeded to draw customized Ziggy drawings for everyone willing to stand in line. The event ended on a high note and everyone in attendance was pleasantly surprised.

So, although I didn't meet Tom Wilson Sr. I did get a chance taste of cartoon royalty by meeting his son.

Which, I guess you can either respect me or pity me depending on what you feel about the cartoon.

Money, Inflation and Mo' Money

2011-09-13T08:28:00.004-04:00

By no means am I well versed in economics.

Here's what I know. Things cost money. In order to buy things, you must make money. In order to make money, you need to do some sort of job. Then, after you get your first paycheck, you realize the stuff you really want costs more money than you have.

So you want more money. So you work harder for more money. But things get more expensive, so the more money you make, the more money you spend on the same things that are increasing exponentially in price every single year, every single month.

Which brings me to Giant Eagle. Doesn't it seem like every item at Giant Eagle costs about $4.00. I know I'm being facetious, but maybe I'm not. To add to that thought, Why does a cart of groceries at Giant Eagle cost about $300, but you can go down the street to Marc's (or whatever your local cheap-o grocery mart is called) and get the exact same groceries, and more, for about $150?

But, I digress.

This past weekend I sat down with my Dad to discuss money, inflation and well, mo' money. Not the movie, the idea.

But first a little history lesson. I grew up in Martins Ferry, Ohio, which is a small little town near Wheeling, W.Va. The economy started to go belly up when the steel industry went kaput in the early 80's. As the steel and coal money dried up, so did the once-prosperous towns and villages along the Ohio River. Although a beautiful area with lots of rolling hils and historic landmarks, the area hasn't really been the same since.

"Dad," I asked my Dad. "How much were you making in the 80's."

My dad, who retired after 35 years as a delivery dude for United Parcel Service, gave me a number between $40,000 and $70,000. For that particular time, it was pretty decent money. In fact, I would consider my Dad's annual payload during the 80's above average for Belmont County.

We weren't starving, we could afford nice clothes, we could afford the latest video game systems (e.g. Colecovision, Atari 2600, Intellivision) and we could even afford a nice pair of $100 Air Jordans every time back-to-school season came around.

"So, you had two cars, two kids in school and a wife that was a homemaker, correct?" I continued.

My Dad nodded.

"You also had credit card payments, a mortgage, utility payments, gas to fill up both cars and cable bills, right?"

"We didn't have cable," he said.

"Oh, yeah, I almost forgot," I said, duly noting my faux paus. "Well, despite all of these payments and a one-income family, did you ever have any money left over after you paid the bills?"

"Oh yeah," My dad exclaimed. Then he thought about this for a moment and said, "We probably had an extra $100 to $200 to spare."

"Every month?" I asked.

"No," he said. "Every week."

I did a spittake of beer, which sprayed all over my mortgage, my utitity bills, my car payments and my gas payments...and my dad.

My dad's story just goes to prove my point...a little bit.

Back in the 80's, and even possibly the early 90's, money went a long way. And 'by a long way' I mean you could pay for all of your bills and even have some scratch left over to do something fun - like say going to the movies, or even heading out to Cedar Point....WORRY FREE!

Nowadays, more or less, we're making the same amount of money that people made back in the 80's and early 90's. However, we're paying out much, much more to the government, the gas station man, the utility man and, sadly, the credit card man.

Okay, maybe we're making a teeny-tiny bit more. But, it doesn't make any difference. Show me a married couple with kids that's making $100,000 a year or less, and I'll show you a couple that's struggling to make ends meet.

Seriously. It's fucking expensive to live.

Check this out, according to the U.S. Census Bureau’s annual report on Income, Poverty and Health Insurance Coverage in the United States, real median household income in 2010 was $49,445, a 2.3 percent drop from 2009. Since 2007, real median household income has dropped 6.4 percent.

Forty-nine thousand four hundred and forty-five dollars? That's about $4,120 a month. About $950 a week. AND THAT'S BEFORE TAXES!!!!!!

Let me be the first to say, "That fucking sucks!"

I shared this newfound knowledge with my wife the other day. She took it in, thought about it for a couple minutes, than simply said

"That's terrible," she said. "How would you live? How could you live?"

She's right. Obviously people are living. They're eating and scraping by. Some may even be living relatively comfortable by budgeting the money that comes in, and working a second job.

But, there are many families living below that median income as well, which is scary.

Gone are the days when the wife (or husband) stays at home to raise the kids - all the while not making some sort of money (In-House Day Care perhaps?). It seems nowadays you need a two-person income to simply make ends meet in this high-inflation world.

And, speaking of inflation, if we're going by this article in the New York Times, food and gasoline prices are continuously on the rise in the United States, it ain't going to get any easier to pay for these things.

And I'm not going to even talk about peak oil or paying for my kids' college education or my (shudder) 401K.

Those are three little jokes that I'll have to save for another entry.

I'm not sure why I decided to write about this topic. Maybe it's been on my mind for a couple weeks, a couple years, a couple decades. No matter how hard you try to get out of 'owing the man', the man keeps pushing you back down.

Well, gotta go.

How to Make it In America is on HBO.

It's time to get schooled.

Sketchbook - Aug. 3, 2011

2011-08-03T07:53:00.000-04:00

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Sketchbook - August 2, 2011

2011-08-02T23:08:00.000-04:00

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'The Aliens Are Coming'

2011-07-23T17:31:00.001-04:00

So, I was hanging out at the pool with my wife and two kids today.

We laughed. We drank. We swam. It was fun.

A couple hours passed and we decided that we were going to leave.

On a small sidenote, the cool thing about having a boy and a girl is the fact that one parent can take one kid into the restroom and change him and vice versa for the other.

So, I was changing my kid into his 'street clothes' and as normal he started babbling. And by babbling I mean singing the Wow, Wow, Wubbzy song followed by some semi-coherent words and a couple understandable sentences followed by babble again.

Then, as I started to put on his shorts, he stopped - mid sentence - turned his head slowly to meet my gaze and said...

"The aliens are coming."

I stopped mid-pull, took a couple steps back and stared at him in disbelief.

"What did you say?" I asked.

"The aliens are coming," he said again and then went back to his babbling, sing-songing, crazy fragmented sentences as happy as can be.

Could this be true? Had my son been sent a message like the children in the Nicholas Cage not-too-shabby Alex Proyas-directed movie Knowing? Did he know something that the adults didn't know?

"When?" was the only word that could be uttered from my mouth. "When will this happen?" I pleaded with my son like he was the newborn Dalai Lama.

"VDM," he said followed by the words "Kaka".

So, assuming my three-year old son picked up Roman Numerology from these aliens...

V - stands for 5
D - stands for 500
M - stands for 1000

So, to paraphrase my son in Star Wars jibberish, "In 1,505 we're all going to shit."

The only questions I have, and this is my big uncertainty here, was he referring to years, days, hours or minutes? Or, am I just really, truly, finally going insane?

I'm going to vote for the former.

Consider yourself warned...sort of.

Vacation. All I ever wanted?

2011-06-15T18:07:00.001-04:00

Well, as the middle of June arrives, so goes my ass to the Jersey Shore for a long needed vacation.

Yes, that Jersey Shore.

Yep, the one that's featured on the hit Mtv Show.

Yep, that's where I'll be.

My wife hates it when I tell people that we stay, literally, one mile from the boardwalk where Snooki gets arrested and the Situation shows off his amazing abs.

"No, no, no," she corrects me. "The show is in Seaside Heights. We are in Seaside Park."

It's a mile away.

Besides all of the negative shit you hear about the place, truth be told I have a lot of fun at Jersey Shore.

The beach is nice. It's not free. You have to pay to enjoy the ocean. Which is awesome because it gets rid of the riff-raff.

The boardwalk is great. The rides are fun. The beer is cheap. The seafood is awesome. And the people watching is amazing.

Well, most of the time.

Last year, I was taking a night stroll through the boardwalk with my wife and kids. Remember I was with my wife and kids. I glanced over to 'admire' this beautiful Jersey girl who was walking into a bar. I moved my eyes slightly to the left and found this big behemoth meathead of a man staring back at me.

He gave me this 'Stop looking at my fucking property or I'll fucking walk right over there and kick your fucking ass in front of your fucking family' look.

The guy was pretty big. Plus, I didn't feel like getting my ass kicked in front of my kids. So, I quickly glanced up at the sky and started whistling.

However, I caught one more quick look of the Jersey lady before she walked into the bar. Take that you guido mother fucker!

Another story.

My wife and a number of our friends decided to taste the nighlife, so we headed down to this dirty biker bar on the boardwalk. Can't remember the name. But, I do remember that this nasty-looking girl was so drunk she hopped up on the bar, ripped off her shirt to permaflash her tits and started dirty dancing.

Rather than pull the lady off the bar, the bartenders decided to get in on the action. They pulled out their little water side sprayers and started to hose her down with, what I assume, was water. She wiggled and jiggled until the bartenders got bored and pulled her down.

Then, she walked over to our group and, with her bare bullet tits a' bouncing, started to hit on one of my buddies, whose wife was standing right next to him! A fight between my buddy's wife and the titty woman almost ensued before she was kindly 'escorted' out of the bar by the bouncer.

While we're on the subject of interesting sights...

About five miles south, you can witness the exact opposite of the boardwalk at the Island Beach State Park, it's long strip of park that spans about 12 miles of untainted beach, which in lamen's terms means no hotels, no gaudy boardwalk rides and not a lot of guidos (see photo to the left).

For a modest fee (about $6) you can venture down a number of insect-ridden trails on either the ocean side or the bay side. I haven't officially visited the bay side, but the ocean side is pretty spectacular.

About 15-20 minutes north of Seaside Park (Seaside Heights, whatever) is Point Pleasant, which offers another cool boardwalk filled with rides, games and even an aquarium with a number of reptiles and fish.

Plus, less than a 1/4 mile away from the beach house is a pier where you can go crabbing. Yeah, that type of crabbing. A case of beer, a couple crab traps, some bait and two hours of your time will land you a pretty tasty dinner for the night - and probably a nasty sunburn as well. The picture to the right is an early haul waaaay back in 2006.

So, all in all, I like the Jersey Shore. I would recommend you check it out at least once in your lifetime. It's worth a week.

Me? Well, it looks like the Shore is going to be an annual mainstay for my family due to the fact that my father-in-law (i.e. the owner of the house) offers us a modest fee, which is well, well below the $5,000 a week he offers Jersey Shore tourists.

Games. Food. Family. Fishing. Beer.

What more could you want in a weeklong vacation?

Besides, of course, more guidos?

Sketchbook - May 31, 2011

2011-05-31T08:00:00.000-04:00

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The Story of the Happy Monster

2011-05-16T08:31:00.009-04:00

As I was preparing to watch last night's Heat vs. Bulls Game 1 matchup on TNT, my daughter walked up beside me and surprised me with eight exciting words.

"Daddy, I want to tell you a story," she said.

Shocked, I unglued my eyes from the TV and focused 100% of my undivided attention towards my daughter.

Just days after I announced my release of short stories for FREE online (at a time to be chosen in the near future) it was fantastic to see that my daughter was following in her old man's footsteps and mixing up a batch of her own stories in her head.

Then, my mind zoomed quickly into the future.

We would be the literary family. My wife, my two kids and myself. Traveling together. Writing books together in our father/daughter office space, Eimer Co. Productions. Living off of our royalty checks. And seeing the world like a group of J.K. Rowlings' on an unending around the world book tour. We would be the first vagabond family in history to have best-selling books on the New York Times Best Seller List. It would be one of the greatest sensations in the world.

It was going to be amazing.

"Sweet," I told my daughter. "What's it about?"

"A monster," she said.

Oh my god! My daughter also picked up the horror genre as her canvas. Two Stephen Kings's or Dean Koontz's or Ray Bradbury's traveling the world together. Father and daughter. The horror family. Selling out auditoriums and arenas around the world. People clamoring to hear us talk about our writing process and why we're so great.

My heart started to beat a couple thumps faster.

"Wow, a story about a monster," I said with bated breath. "Let's hear it. I'm all ears."

"Once upon a time...," she started.

She started with those four key words that always begin a great story. The Three Little Pigs. Beauty & The Beast. Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs. I had a feeling that this one was going to be a keeper. Hell, I may even 'borrow' her idea and illustrate it as an Eimer duo production. My eyes widened. Hope and pride filled my heart. This story was going to further cement my daughter as one the greatest storytellers of her generation.

"Once upon a time there was a monster and he lived happily ever after, the end," she said.

She then turned 180-degrees and happily skipped into her bedroom and slammed the door.

Coming soon....

2011-05-09T22:35:00.000-04:00

A newfound toy villain - circa 1982.

2011-05-02T23:17:00.004-04:00

The year was 1982. Give or take a year.

I'm pretty sure it was late June. Because school was out and the heat and humidity was starting to rise in the hills of Martins Ferry.

No homework. No sports practices. No rules.

My brother and I had complete control of the woods that towered over of our hillside home. We were, in a sense, the masters of our domain.

It was during this particular time that my neighbors were scheduled to partake on a month-long trip to Israel.

Lucky them.

They asked our family to watch after their house. Which, in kid speak, means to walk through every crevice of the house, explore every single nook and cranny and - of course - check out the contents of the refrigerator.

So, the day after my neighbors said "Shalom" and headed to the Holy Land, my brother and I snagged the keys from my mom’s purse, tip-toed over to their house and unlocked the door.

It was exploring time.

First off, being a 10-year old kid, it feels very weird to infiltrate a house that you’ve been accustomed to at least one person always inhabiting. Secondly, it’s amazing how every house you walk into has a very distinct smell. This house smelled like a mix of fried rice and bleach. Very odd.

Our neighbor's made a tiny bit more money than my family. Not much, but enough to own a VCR. Back in the early 80’s, if you owned a VCR, you were like royalty. Those suckers were expensive. During this time, I think most families in the Valley were waiting to find out the clear winner of the ongoing VCR/Beta battle before making this important family purchase.

They had a number of VCR tapes including Superman, Star Trek: The Motion Picture and, of course, Fiddler on the Roof - a Jewish mainstay. My brother and I made a mental note to take Superman for a test drive. After peering around the kitchen, the living room and finally the dank, dark basement, my brother and I decided to creep up the stairs to check out the good stuff...the bedrooms.

The first place we explored was my best friend Tony's bedroom.

Tony and I had been friends since pre-kindergarten. We did everything together. Took the same bus. Shot our BB guns with the same accuracy. Killed snakes with the same slicing motion. Played kickball like Beckham - pre-Beckham.

So, suffice to say, when we entered his room, it was pretty underwhelming. That's because Tony and I had the exact same toys that every 10-year old owned - save his Mouse Trap board game and the awesome Star Wars Remote Control Jawa Sand Crawler. To add to that, I played and borrowed most of his toys at one time or another including Star Wars, He-Man, Lawn Jarts, Rock Em Sock Em Robots, Comic Books, Hot Wheels, Matchbox tracks and more.

My brother, on the other hand, was very intrigued by the extensive LP collection that Tony had obtained from his soon-to-be-Rabbi father. He glanced at a number of crazy-looking album covers from bands such as CREAM, The Beatles, Neil Diamond, AC/DC, Meat Loaf, Blood, Sweat & Tears and much, much more. He pulled out a Creedance Clearwater Revival 'Live' album and turned on the record player. ‘Down on the Corner’ started to play.

We then ventured into the main living room of Jim and Cathy, the parents. The bed was crisp and adorned with nicely folded blankets and puffy pillows. It was a well-kept room. There was a huge assortment of Star of David’s aligning the wall. Also, there was portrait of Jesus. Seems odd now, but at the time, not really.

Oh yeah, there was also a nice family portrait of the two parents and the two kids – all in their frizzy haired, 80’s looking glory. To be honest. The parent’s bedroom was a bit boring. And we really, honestly, didn’t open up any of their drawers. I swear.

Next was the pool room. And by pool, I mean billiards. Tony and his family had this bad-ass pool table, which was another sign of higher tax bracket through this 10-year old's mind.

My brother racked the mult-colored balls and we played a couple games. He won one. I won the other.

As my brother prepared to rack up a third, and possibly final, game - I caught myself glancing into the room of Tony's younger sister, Kristy.

That's when something caught my eye.

Were my eyes deceiving me?

Could it really be?

Was it the entire enchanted land of Strawberrry Shortcake flashing before my very eyes?

Intrigued, I walked into the pink room, complete with pretty princess hats and fairy wings and the like and examined the Strawberry Shortcake collection.

All of the action figures were there. (Please note: I like to say action figures because it sounds less gay than dolls) Huckleberry Pie. Blueberry Muffin. Raspberry Tart. Apple Dumplin’ not to mention the red-headed ringleader herself Strawberry Shortcake.

I remember overhearing a fellow female classmate talking to a friend in school about how each each character had a very unique smell.

Boy, was she was right.

As I whiffed each figure, the fruity, heavenly aromas filled my nostrils. Blueberries. Apples. Raspberry. Even Huckleberry Pie seemed like the perfect smell, even though I'd never smelled Huckleberry Pie before.

Now, a lot of people are going to read this post and think I’m a bit fruity (pun intended) for smelling the heads of Strawberry Shortcake dolls. However, my best defense is that at age 10, I was a true toy aficionado. Not just of boys’ toys, but girls’ toys too.

Heck, when I was on my random toy browsing adventures at our local department stores, I would always make a point to venture down the pink-laden girl’s aisle just to see what all my counterparts were playing with.

Know your enemy they say.

Truth be told, most of the girl’s toys were very feminine. But, a handful of the girl’s toys were pretty cool as well. Holly Hobby, The EZ Bake Oven and Little Kitty come to the top of my mind. I would put Strawberry Shortcake at pretty girly girl fare. Except, of course, for one key character that I’ll reveal in three sentences.

“C’mon, man. It’s your shot,” my brother shrieked in his very annoying voice from the pool room.

Scared of being caught, I threw the Shortcake dolls onto the floor and went to take my turn.

That’s when I saw him.

There he was staring back at me on Kristy's bed.

The mother lode of Strawberry Shortcake land figures.

One of the meanest nastiest villains in cartoon lore.

The Peculiar Purple Pie Man of Porcupine Peak.

Or Purple Pie Man for short.

Like an addict finding a vial of his choice drug, I quickly snagged the Purple Pie fellow.

“Are you coming or not?” my brother yelled again.

“I’ll be right back,” I screamed. “I, uh, have to go to the bathroom.”

“You have to go home to go to the restroom?” he asked.

“Yes,” I said.

“Why don’t you just go here?”

“I just. I just can’t,” I screamed as I bolted out of our neighbor’s front door, back to my house, opened the door to my room, tossed Kristy’s Purple Pie Man into my lair of toys and high-tailed back to my very important game of billiards.

As we played a couple more games of pool, the only thing on my mind was the Purple Pie Man and the serious toy battles that were going take place during that hot and balmy summer afternoon.

After lunch, I excused myself from my bologna and ketchup sandwich and headed straight to my room. My brother was in a cartoon coma viewing a couple repeat episodes of Tom and Jerry not to mention the Mighty Mouse cartoons.

I would be safe for at least an hour.

I closed the door, pulled out my Masters of the Universe characters and discreetly tossed the Purple Pie Man into the fray.

Time zoomed by as the Purple Pie Man joined forces with Skeletor to vanquish He-Man and his precious sidekick Man at Arms.

Purple Pie Man then enslaved Teela. Had I been older, I would’ve used my imagination a bit more in the 'enslaved' department, but c’est la vie. She was simply enslaved.

The Purple Dictator pulled a Judas and proceeded to stab Skeletor in the back, take his part of the Sword of Power and toss him out of Castle Grayskull with He-Man and the rest of the crew.

Then, Purple Pie Man convinced Beast-Man and Merman to stay aboard and laid out his shrewd plans for Master of the Universe immortality and world domination.

But, first he needed to get He-Man’s sword.

However, outside the castle, Skeletor and He-Man were cooking up their own plans. With a very angry Man-At-Arms and hungry-for-battle Stratos and Zodac, the newly titled League of Destruction slipped through a secret entrance in Castle Grayskull, easily killed Beast Man and Merman, freed Teela from her shackles and proceeded to defeat the Purple Pie Man and claim victory for…

“Hey there, little girl.”

I looked up and it was my brother standing in the doorway with two of his buddies.

One of the guys walked over and snatched Purple Pie Man from my grasp. He smelled the top of Purple Pie Man’s head and started to laugh.

“You playing with little girl toys?” Buddy #1 said.

“Yeah, girl toys,” said Buddy #2.

“No,” I huffed. “It’s only Purple Pie Man. It’s not like I’m playing with Strawberry Shortcake, Apple Dumplin and Blueberry Muffin, or something.”

“Ha! Ha! He knows their names,” said Buddy #2.

“Well, since you know their names, you know what that makes you?” Buddy #1 asked.

I shyly shrugged.

“A LITTLE SISSY GIRL!” they all yelled in unison and continued to verbally slash me with their venomous tongues.

After about 15 minutes of catcalls, whistles and attacks on my manlihood. The crew finally got bored and left the room.

I cursed Purple Pie Man who lay there in a heap in front of me like an abused stepchild.

Defeated, I grabbed the keys from my mom’s purse, walked over to my neighbor’s house and placed Purple Pie Man atop his throne on Kristy’s bed where he would sit for the rest of the month overlooking the land of StrawberryVille (or whatever it’s called).

As evil as he may be, the Pie Man would forever be a fixture in the land of Strawberry Shortcake. He would never fraternize with my toys ever again.

But, for that one hour, for a fantastical 60 minutes, The Peculiar Purple Pie Man of Porcupine Peak was a true evil Master of the Universe in my world.

Bravo, Pie Man. Bravo.

Mike Tyson Punch-Out!! Eimer World Records.

2011-03-28T08:00:00.001-04:00

Waaay back in the Mid-80's, there was no such thing as PlayStation. Nintendo was king.

Waaay back in the Mid-80's, mix-martial arts was non-existent. Boxing was the bloodsport of choice.

Waaay back in the Mid-80's Mike Tyson, the actor, was underheard of. Mike Tyson, the heavyweight boxer, was feared!

Waaay back in the Mid-80's Gears of War was something in a Sylvester Stallone movie. Mike Tyson's PunchOut!! was the most badass game of it's time.

Waaay back in the Mid-80's, I was a geeky eigth-grader with no life, no girlfriend and no easy way to access online porn via the World Wide Web, since it wasn't invented yet. What's an angry 13-year old to do?

Well, this angry 13-year old donated 100% of his energy to mastering video games. You know, the classics like Castlevania, Mega Man (the first one!), Super Mario 1 and 2, Legend of Zelda and, of course, Mike Tyson's Punch Out!! (two exclamation points!)

Remember the box of goodies I talked about a while ago?

Well, I went digging into that box last night and came out with another young Eimer gem:

It's all of my world records from Mike Tyson's Punchout!! Nice list by the way. I was looking online and couldn't seem to find any other gamer's records. So I'll accept these as the current world records.

As you see, in the beginning I beat Tyson by decision. However, I finally TKO'd Tyson with 16 seconds left in the third round. Not sure you can defeat Tyson by knock out. But I came close.

On a related note, the wikipedia entry for Tyson's Punch-Out!! stated there was a sequel in the works where Mike Tyson travels into space to take on extra terrestrials. Production was stalled because of Tyson's rape conviction. Damn you Mike Tyson's penis! Damn you!

This is just one of many, many more hidden treasures lurking in my box of young Eimer goodies.

Who knows what's going to pop up next?

One-Sentence Movie Reviews - Spring Break Edition

2011-03-15T08:44:00.005-04:00

Haven't written my one-sentence movie reviews in quite some time. Thought I'd stretch my creative muscles, fire up the old engine and take you on an (almost) Spring Break cruise of some currently viewed films.

INSIDE JOB - 5 stars
Wow, thanks to these assholes, I now know where half of my 401k went!

DUE DATE - 2 stars
It’s PLANES TRAINS & AUTOMOBILES for the new generation...minus the humor.

127 HOURS - 5 stars
I’ve never had so much fun anticipating a guy cutting off his own arm.

LOVE AND OTHER DRUGS - 2 stars
You’ll want to take some other drugs after you’ve watched this cliché romantic dreck.

BEST WORST MOVIE - 3 stars
A documentary about the worst movie ever made, TROLL 2, which turned into the best movie ever made, according to bunch of film geeks trying to recreate ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW.

CYRUS - 4 stars
Jonah Hill, as the son, and John C. Reilly, as the boyfriend, successfully go head-to-head for the affection of Marisa Tomei.

PLEASE GIVE - 3 stars
Who knew a movie about a Manhattan family waiting patiently for an old lady next door to die because they want to renovate their home could be so heartfelt and entertaining?

GET LOW - 3 stars
I thought I was showing up for a comedy about a guy who wants to throw a funeral for himself before he dies, but instead I watched a drama.

LAST TRAIN HOME - 3 stars
Heck, my commute to Cleveland is a breeze compared to watching this documentary about Chinese migrant workers who travel from the big city to see their family only once a year.

RED HILL - 3 stars
This is a meh aussie revenge tale, with a predictable twist ending.

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 2 - 2 stars
Watching this movie made me nostalgic for the suckiness of the first one.

LET ME IN - 4 stars
It’s an almost shot-for-shot remake of the foreign movie LET THE RIGHT ONE IN, but made for pussy Americans who hate to read subtitles.

DOGTOOTH - 4 stars
This creepy foreign Academy Award-nominated film is what M. Knight Shamalyan’s THE VILLAGE had the potential to be.

ENTER THE VOID - 4 stars
Like running a visual marathon with your eyes, this movie is a bit more upbeat than Noe’s rape revenge tale IRREVERSIBLE, but not much.

BLACK SWAN - 5 stars
This horror movie makes me want to partake in the sadistic, twisted world of ballet, and also bang Natalie Portman!

EXIT THROUGH THE GIFT SHOP - 3 stars
This Banksy-directed film is half-documentary (the first half) and half-SPINAL TAP (the last half), but not too shabby all-around.

PIRAHNA 3D - 3 stars
If you’re a fan of gore, half-eaten genitalia and killer Pirahnas, this movie is perfect for you.

PREDATORS - 3 stars
Exceeded expectations especially since I was expecting to watch a big shit sandwich with my eyes.

EASY A - 3 stars
This film wanted to be an 80’s romantic teen comedy so bad, and it almost succeeded.

FLIPPED - 3 stars
Another great Rob Reiner film about growing up in the 50’s - that is a tiny bit happier than STAND BY ME.

SOCIAL NETWORK - 5 stars
With films like SE7EN, ZODIAC, FIGHT CLUB and this, I’m convinced David Fincher has the Midas touch when it comes to filmmaking.

Well, there you have it. Be on the lookout for some fresh, new one-sentence movie reviews in late Spring! Maybe sooner.

To quench your thirst, you can view older Eimer Debris One-Sentence Movie Reviews right here.

Anatomy of an Eimertoon...Team Chaos

2011-03-04T08:00:00.001-05:00

Soooo, about two months ago, my brother gave me a ring and asked me to create a t-shirt design for his team at his place of work.

His team (dubbed Team Chaos), works at a warehouse for a major food chain where they load and unload product onto four-wheelers to be shipped to stores around the world.

As it turns out, there are a lot of accidents in his line of work. He runs a forklift and the pace, so I'm told, is extremely fast. Think ants working in a ant hill, but replace the ants with humans and the hill with a warehouse.

As it also turns out, going 180 days without an accident is a big thing.

Being a senior copywriter in Northeast Ohio, the most dangerous thing I come in contact with is strugging with the perfect 'actionable' word to complement the product I'm trying to sell. There have been a couple scaldings at the Water Cooler, which - at times - is set on hot.

Ahh, the life of The Deadliest Copywriter.

But I digress. To celebrate Team Chaos's success, the team decided to forgo a great meal at a local food chain and, instead, get t-shirts made.

Which is where I came in.

As I sat down to talk to my brother about the t-shirt design, I thought about the name Team Chaos. Having just watched 'How to Train Your Dragon, I was very eager to draw a Viking in some sort of cartoon. Then I started thinking about Vikings. Then Braveheart. Then I pictured a group of Road Warriors running full speed towards the viewer.

I told my brother my idea and he loved it.

"Sounds great," he said. "But you have to make sure to include the forklifts somehow."

It all came together in my head. I quickly sat down and sketched the following drawings:

"Awesome," my brother said. "But..."

"But what?" I interjected, expected the worst.

"No, no, no, I like it. Don't get me wrong," he said. "But you have to be sure to have a mixed crowd."

"Mixed crowd?" I asked.

"You know," my brother said. "We have women and not just white dudes."

Point taken. Make it a little more diverse.

"Another thing," he said. "Can you have them throwing like toilet paper, 2-liter bottles of soda, potato chips and jars of pickles in the air...."

"Like grenades." I said.

"Exactly like grenades," he concurred.

Lo, and behold, my brother was taking on the role of Creative Director.

"Done," I said.

The next day I sketched out the more intricate drawing you see below:

After getting my brother's thumbs up, I filled in the details and added the Team Chaos name (the font is called Top Secret which was pulled from the kick-ass website DaFont.com) and 'Voila!', you have a t-shirt design...

Usually, this is how I approach most of my traditional cartoons for the web including my Christmas Eimertoons.

The cool thing is I haven't created a t-shirt design in some time, so this was a lot of fun.

Thanks for thinking of me, bro!

Also, my viking guy made it into the design, which was even more worth the blood, sweat and tears.

Oscar Round-Up. 17-7 Bitches!

2011-02-28T08:14:00.001-05:00

So the Oscars were last night and I promised a recap/round-up of my 'picks'.

But, before I begin, I wanted to bring up Steven Speilberg's quote, who presented the Best Picture award last night.

He pointed out that the winning movie would join the Academy as definitely one of the best movies to ever be made (I'm paraphrasing here). But, sent out a gentle reminder the nine other nominated films that do not win, would join such celebrated pictures as Citizen Cane, The Grapes of Wrath, The Graduate and Raging Bull.

Again, judging by my ten best films of all time, you can see that what he speaks is pure truth. That's why I'm not too upset that David Fincher didn't get his just desserts. At the end of they day, people will be talking about The Social Network (i.e. the acting, the score, the screenplay, the history) more than The King's Speech.

It's like Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, Time Bandits, Aliens, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Evil Dead 2 and all of the other movies that shaped my personal life. Those movies mean something to me. Although probably pretty good, The King's Speech isn't going to do that.

So, how did I do. Well, 17-7 overall. Not too shabby.

A couple quotes on the categories that I missed:

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY - I chose Kids Are All Right. But The King's Speech won. I was happy to see the oldest person to win this Academy Award, which gives me motivation that life isn't over at 40 years old. Hell, it's just beginning.

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM - I picked DOGTOOTH. However, IN A BETTER WORLD won. I know nothing about it.

BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN CINEMATOGRAPHY. I picked ROGER DEAKINS for his work in TRUE GRIT. However, INCEPTION won. This was one of the biggest shockers for me. Deakins is a cinematography god. And has never won this award.

BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE. I chose RESTREPO. However, INSIDE JOB won. I hear it's a good film and am looking forward to seeing it. Especially now.

BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN FILM EDITING. Another shocker. I've never not picked this award. I chose 127 Hours, but SOCIAL NETWORK won. In hindsight, I think this is a very well deserved win.

BEST ANIMATED SHORT FILM. I thought Pixar's Day & Night would win. THE LOST THING took the prize. Good job.

BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT FILM. I picked Na Wewe. However, my second choice - GOD OF LOVE took the award. Not surprised.

So, there you have it.

Now, after watching the Oscars, I'm really looking forward to seeing True Grit, Inside Job, The King's Speech and The Fighter.

How about you?

Paranormal Activity 2 (Sketchbook)

2011-02-14T08:00:00.002-05:00

(click image to enlarge)

My 2010 Academy Awards Picks

2011-02-09T22:17:00.004-05:00

Okay, well the Academy has spoken and I can honestly say - besides John Hawkes getting a nomination for Winter's Bone - the nominations weren't really very surprising.

If you read this blog, you'll know that I pick with my gut, this instance, this instance and this instance, which isn't a very good thing if you've ever watched such a political spectacle as the Academy Awards.

Which reminds me of a story....

About a week ago I was talking to my father-in-law who is also a pretty big movie buff. We got to talking about the Best Picture nominees. He's seen all of them except for Toy Story 3.

I asked him which movie did he think would take home the Oscar.

"King's Speech," he said without hesitation.

"Really," I said. "Seems like Social Network is gaining some steam as well."

"Meh," he said. "It's not going to to win."

"Why not?" I asked.

"Well, let me tell you how it is," he said taking a swig of his Budweiser can. "That Zuckerberg guy was an asshole in the beginning of the movie and he turned out to be a billionaire asshole at the end of the movie."

"Yeah," I asked, wanting more.

"The King's Speech makes you feel good at the end," he said proudly. "It made you happy when you left the theater. It made you feel like you could take on the world."

All was quiet for a couple seconds. Then he spoke up.

"Don't know about you, but I like to feel like I can take on the world when I leave the theater."

So, with that story in mind, I'm going to give it my best shot this year and, this year, not going with my gut but what's going to be probable.

BEST PICTURE - THE KING'S SPEECH
I hope this is Fincher's year. Additionally, with BLACK SWAN, WINTER'S BONE, TRUE GRIT and even TOY STORY 3 up for the honors - it's a tough one. With Hooper being awarded Best Director for KING'S SPEECH, I'm going with the odds and saying this will win Best Picture. But, personally, I felt THE SOCIAL NETWORK was the pick of the litter with BLACK SWAN a strong second.

BEST ACTOR - COLIN FIRTH - THE KING'S SPEECH
I just can't see anyone else winning this but Firth.

BEST ACTRESS - NATALIE PORTMAN - BLACK SWAN
Bening's performance was flawless (which makes me scratch my head right now), but I think Bening was more of supporting role working of the likes of Mark Ruffalo and Julienne Moore. Portman had to carry the entire movie. I would like to see Lawrence win for WINTER'S BONE. But that's not going to happen. Next.

BEST ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE - CHRISTIAN BALE - THE FIGHTER
This will be a salute to Bale's fine catalogue of work in a number of crazy-ass movies from THE DARK KNIGHT all the way to THE MECHANIC - and everything in between.

BEST ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE - MELISSA LEO - THE FIGHTER
Now, if Bening was in this category, I'd say it was a no-brainer. That said, I was on the fence. Hailee Steinfeld did a respectable job for her role as the young daughter looking for a little payback to the people who killed her father. However, Melissa Leo will probalby win. She won the Golden Globe and the Screen Actor's Guild Award. I'm picking her.

BEST ANIMATED PICTURE - TOY STORY 3
One of the best movie's of the year. However, How To Train Your Dragon was a helluva film and picked up a shitlod of awards at last week's Annie Awards. This may be a gut pick, but fuck it.

BEST DIRECTOR- - TOM HOOPER - THE KING'S SPEECH
I thought this would be Fincher's year. What's great abouth his direction in this film is that it's so under the radar. Besides Sorkin's screenplay, he created the mood and the tone that made this near-flawless film come to life. However, the Director's Guild already awarded Hooper for his work. The stats don't lie. Only six times, has the DGA winner not won the Academy Award. Bummer.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY - THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT, Lisa Cholodenko & Stuart Blumberg
I'm alwayins hearing good things about ANOTHER YEAR, THE FIGHTER and INCEPTION (the most original story of the year). However, more original screenplay winners are usually acting gems, that's why I think it's a toss-up between the two big guns in THE KING'S SPEECH and THE KIDS. My gut says the Kids!

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY - THE SOCIAL NETWORK - AARON SORKIN
I think Toy Story 3's screenplay is vastly underrated. But it won't win. Winter's Bone is fantastic as well. But it won't win. Give this one to Sorkin to create a whirlwind of a movie with witty dialogue, flashbacks aplenty and making a movie about a computer program so goddamn intense.

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM - DOGTOOTH
Haven't seen any of these except for DOGTOOTH. But I would say it's a toss-up between BIUTIFUL and DOGTOOTH. I'm going with the latter. DOGTOOTH is one of the craziest most original films I've seen. I hear Biutiful is a sob fest.

BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN CINEMATOGRAPHY - ROGER DEAKINS - TRUE GRIT
Let's look at some of the highpoints of Roger Deakin's resume shall we...THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION, O' BROTHER WHERE ART THOU, THE ASSASINATION OF JESSE JAMES, A BEAUTIFUL MIND, FARGO, REVOLUTIONARY ROAD, JARHEAD...among others. It's about time this guy got his just desserts.

BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE - Restrepo (National Geographic Entertainment) - An Outpost Films Production Tim Hetherington and Sebastian Junger
Loved Exit Through the Gift Shop. Would like to see Banksy show up to win this award. However, in my mind, it wasn't a 100% documentary. More like 50% documentary. 50% Spinal-Tap esque mockumentary. Plus, Restrepo was one of the most powerful movies that I saw last year. Check it out.

BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECT - Strangers No More - A Simon & Goodman Picture Company Production Karen Goodman and Kirk Simon
Killing In The Name is about a Muslim speaking out on Terrorism. Poster Girl is a movie about an former soldier speaking out on guns. Strangers No More is about a grade school in Tel Aviv featuring children from 48 different countries. Sun Come Up is about a group of people who live on an island and are forced to flee their land due to global warming.The Warriors Of Qiugang is like the movie Erin Brokovich but it takes place in China. I'm going for Strangers because it spreads a message of hope rather than heartache.

BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN FILM EDITING - 127 Hours (Fox Searchlight) Jon Harris
I've never lost in successfully picking this category. Never. That said, I have a feeling it's going to be a three-way between Black Swan, The Social Network and 127 Hours. Due to the subject content and the rapid fire-editing that's been accustomed to Danny Boyle's style, I'm going with 127 HOURS. I mean, how on earth do you make a guy who's arm is stuck to a rock interesting for 2 hours? Boyle, and his editor, succeeded.

ACHIEVEMENT IN VISUAL EFFECTS - Inception (Warner Bros) - Paul Franklin, Chris Corbould, Andrew Lockley and Peter Bebb
I just can't see anyone else winning this. ALICE IN WONDERLAND was grand, but.....

BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN ART DIRECTION - Alice in Wonderland (Walt Disney) - Production Design: Robert Stromberg, Set Decoration: Karen O'Hara
Although this made some people's 10 worst list (not mine), I think Alice in Wonderland had some strong points, the Art Direction and Costumes were at the very top.

BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN COSTUME DESIGN - Alice in Wonderland (Walt Disney) - Colleen Atwood
See Art Direction above.

BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN MAKEUP - The Wolfman (Universal) Rick Baker and Dave Elsey
I've been a Rick Baker fan ever since he won his first Academy Award for AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON. Finally got to see The Wolfman last week on HBO. Ironic he's going to win another OSCAR for another interpretation of his masterpiece.

BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN MUSIC WRITTEN FOR MOTION PICTURES (ORIGINAL SCORE) - The Social Network (Sony Pictures Releasing) - Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross
Just a hunch. Another gut pick because I love Nine Inch Nails.

ACHIEVEMENT IN MUSIC WRITTEN FOR MOTION PICTURES (ORIGINAL SONG) - “We Belong Together” from Toy Story 3 (Walt Disney) - Music and Lyric by Randy Newman

Everyone loves Randy Newman. That's why I think he'll win his second Academy Award for another great Toy Story song.

BEST ANIMATED SHORT FILM - Day & Night (Walt Disney) - A Pixar Animation Studios Production Teddy Newton
I viewed all of the Animated Short Film nominees except for Let's Pollute (which is a cool idea for some sort of online infomercial). In my opinion, it's going to come down to three. Although I loved Let's Pollute, I think Day & Night, The Gruffalo and The Lost Thing are heads and tails above the rest. The Lost Thing, based on a children's book by Shaun Tan, looks like the biggest contender. However, Day & Night was just a great idea, I can't see anyone else winning this. Unless, the Academy is sick of giving awards to Pixar.

BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT FILM - Na Wewe (Premium Films) - A CUT! Production Ivan Goldschmidt
I thought Na Wewe was the best acted out of all the other shorts (which is what I would go by if I were judging). However, I would also give a nod to God of Love for it's black and white sleek look.

ACHIEVEMENT IN SOUND EDITING - Inception (Warner Bros) - Richard King
Just because.

ACHIEVEMENT IN SOUND MIXING - Inception (Warner Bros) - Lora Hirschberg, Gary A. Rizzo and Ed Novick
Just because. (See Sound Editing).

Well, there you have it. Tune in on Monday morning after the Oscars to see how I did. Feel free to use these picks for your ballots. I'm sure you'll win some cash.

Football, Fatherhood and Feeling Guilty.

2011-01-20T08:48:00.004-05:00

I have a guilty conscious.

For instance...

If I'm not spending time with my kids...I feel guilty. If I spend too much time with my kids...I feel guilty that I'm not experiencing the spice of life.

If I don't write or draw...I feel guilty. If I write or draw too much...I feel guilty that I should be doing other things, like running.

If I skip my daily run...I feel guilty. If I run too much...I feel guilty that I'm not spending enough time with my kids.

You get the idea.

It's a never-ending cycle that drives me absolutely bananas.

So, a week or so ago, I was feeling guilty about not spending enough time with my kids. In particular, my three-year old son.

As fate would have it, this past weekend we both had an opportunity to spend some 'Man-time' together when my wife decided to take our four-year old daughter to get her toes painted.

The NFL playoffs were on the tube, which sparked an idea...a perfect father-son tradition that has been handed down from Eimer generation to generation...

Tossing Football! The perfect male-bonding experience for any male, any age at any time.

As my son was napping (yes, he still naps), I ran to the garage and started searching for the pigskin. I hit paydirt - a Michael Vick-branded Atlanta Hawks football.

It was a football that my good, old dad purchased for me back in 2006 during our summer vacation at the Jersey Shore.

With football in hand, I walked in from the garage to find my bleary-eyed son, rubbing his eyes with one hand and holding an Ugly Doll in the other.

"Hey guy," I said holding up the football. "Wanna toss some football with your old man."

"Don't want to toss football," he said. "I want the ferry."

"Ferry?" I asked. "Are you looking for a ferry boat?"

"No," he said again. "A ferry."

"Let's just toss some football and we'll find the ferry later," I said as I lobbed the red and black oval into the air.

The ball bounced on the floor with a clunk. My son took off running.

"Hey," I yelled. "Where are you going?"

"I want to play with ferry!"

I sighed. Then I heard a loud happy shriek that sounded like a young girl, but was definitely from my young son.

"I found it," he exclaimed.

He turned the corner, a big smile on his face as he was holding a Tinker Bell figurine.

"Oh, a fairy," I said nodding my head as I picked up the football.

Then I looked at Tinker Bell. Then I looked back at the Michael Vick-branded football.

Back and forth. Back and forth.

Then I thought....(click here).

Whip It...Good!

2011-01-11T08:21:00.011-05:00

As I’ve stated in a couple previous entries, I'm an avid runner.

As I've also stated in a previous entry, I find a lot of crazy shit when I run on the highway.

Last year, I noticed an uptick in the number of beer cans strewn on the side of the road. I blamed the stock market.

This year, I’ve been noticing something a bit more peculiar...Reddi wip™ cans.

No, not the circular Tupperware-like plastic containers of Cool Whip, but the long, metallic cylinders of whipped cream.

There are literally dozens and dozens of these festive-looking cans strewn along the road.

At first, I pictured a rather large-and-in-charge male or female navigating their high-priced Lexi (plural of Lexus) down Hametown Road, driving with their knees, as they juggle a Hostess® Fruit Pie in one hand, a can of Reddi Wip in the other hand, attempting to indulge in an extraordinary dessert.

But, c’mon! Let’s be realistic. That’s not what’s happening at all.

If I was a betting man (and I am) I would say it’s a group of teenagers-possibly from the Revere school district or, at the very least, neighboring Cuyahoga Falls, Medina, Richfield or Fairlawn-doing Whip its.

Yep, Whip-Its® - the act inhaling nitrous oxide from small compressed canisters or compressed cans of whipped cream. (Thanks Urban Dictionary!)

Seems to be quite a resurgence going on in this particular neighborhood nowadays. And I have a couple thoughts as to why:

It’s harder and harder for the youngsters to get alcohol.
It’s harder and harder to steal mom and dad’s prescription ‘back pills’.
It’s harder and harder to buy expensive weed on a high school student’s budget.
Simply put, it’s harder and harder for younger people to catch a buzz nowadays.

Look, I’ll admit it, I’ve done Whip-Its in my lifetime.

Yes, it's addictive. And, yes, it does kill mega brain cells by depriving fresh oxygen to your noggin. Hence, the buzz.

The last time I did Whip-its was about seven years ago...

I was living in Columbus, Ohio. It was a dull Wednesday night. My two good friends (who happen to be married) and I decided to grab a 12-pack of beer and a couple canisters of Whip-its, a canister cracker (I think that’s what they're called) and some balloons at a local Kwicky Mart.

We giddily drove to my buddy's house and indulged in an hour and a half of pure nitrous fun! With our lips blue and our heads throbbing, we watched about 10 back-to-back episodes of COPS and then called it a night.

Another story...

During a Spring Break waaaaay back in college, five of my buddies and I crammed into two small Honda Accords and hightailed it down to Hunting Island, South Carolina, with a huge tank of Nitrous Oxide hidden deep in the trunk. And when I say tanks, I'm not talking about the little itty-bitty canisters used by your neighborhood dentist. I'm talking the big-ass tanks they use to juice up drag-racing cars.

In any event, it took six dudes less than two days to suck down an entire tank of the stuff. In the middle of the night, I remember more than once hearing a silent zipping sound of the tent being opened, then suddenly an extremely loud discharge of the Nitrous Oxide tanks echoing in the night as one my friends filled up their designated balloon with the hippity, hoppity fun-filled gas.

Little did we know the buzz would evaporate for good. Shortly after our fun-filled Spring Break, nitrous oxide manufacturers deliberately added a small percentage of sulfur dioxide to the tanks as an irritant to discourage substance abuse by goofballs pining to achieve the laughing gas effect. Damn them to Hell.
But I digress...

While I think it’s fine that America's newest generation of pimple pushers are experimenting with this somewhat trippy drug that makes you giggle for a couple seconds, I’m a little perturbed that they’re being thrown out the window like an errant used condom after a quick back-seat bang (not that that’s good either).

So, Northeast Ohio youngsters, can you do me a favor?

After you get your little jollies off inhaling your whipped cream, please, pretty please (with some fucking sugar on top) toss your canisters in a plastic bag and pitch them into the garbage. There are plenty of bins and receptacles around the Bath area where you can toss these metallic eyesores. Maybe you can even look to recycling as well.
All I know is that Mother Nature would be much, much happier.

And, more importantly, so would I.

Eimer's Top Reads of 2010

2011-01-03T08:00:00.002-05:00

This year, I didn’t come even close to last year’s record of 46 books.

I only read 27 books.

Due to my 2009 New Year’s Resolution - More Eimer in 2010 - I’ve been drawing more cartoons, working on my novel(s) and children’s books, writing a bit more, watching more movies and running a bit longer than my average of 1.5 miles a day achieved last year.

In any event, I've uncovered more great books this year that I think would make great reads for all three readers of this blog. Some oldies. Some newbies. Some of the best books I’ve ever read.

So here goes...below are my top ten reads of 2010, in no particular order. Click each title to shoot to the respective Amazon.com page (So you can order the damn books!):

Born To Run by Christopher McDougall
If you're a runner, jogger or moderately interested in exercise, you need to read this book. Part-autobiography, part-history, part-anthropological study, part-self-help book, this novel has it all. If you don't run, it will inspire you to get off your feet. If you do run, it's packed with a lot of helpful tips, plus motivation from some of the best ultra-marathoners in the United States, not to mention tips and strategies from the Tarahumara tribe of Ultra-runners who live in the Copper Canyons of the Sierra Madres. Like I said, fantastic book!

Speaker for the Dead by Orson Scott Card
Extremely, thought-provoking, well-written sequel to Ender's Game. It's like a murder-mystery with aliens. Orson Scott Card effortlessly weaves concepts of nature, religion, science, technology and science fiction into his fiction to make a very quick, very entertaining read. If you're a science fiction fan, pick up this book and Ender's Game.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larrson
When it comes to books, I'm not that into mysteries. That said, this book is highly recommended on all fronts. Great writing. This isn't James Patterson crap. This is more comparable to Conan Doyle and Agatha Christie - even somewhat comparable to Thomas Harris (Silence of the Lambs). Being a former journalist, I also found Larsson's world extremely intriguing. Note: The first 50 pages are setting the scene, don't let it dissuade you.

Frankenstein by Mary Shelley
You know the movie Frankenstein and the Frankenstein's Monster? Well, this book - the original book - is nothing like the movies and the fantastic monsters that Filmland created. No, this book is much darker. The monster is much smarter - and evil. He's not dumb. He's cold, calculated and very, very angry. And the main protagonist Dr. Frankenstein is a tortured soul in every sense of the word. I'm very happy I picked up this book and found out the Mary Shelley's true vision. Highly recommended for horror fans and literatire fans alike.

The Old Man and the Sea by Ernest Hemingway
At only 100+ pages Hemingway fills each page with precise language. Highly recommended to any lover of fiction. Which begs a question, why do authors need to write 500+ page books. This is proof enough that a 100+ pager can do the job - if you have the right story.

The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck
So much to say that I can't possibly touch on all facets of this book. Lets just say that Steinbeck has captured the essence of everyman's dialogue. He's weaved a triumphant story that will stand as the pinnacle of great American literature. Like I said, I need more space to talk about the importance of this book. Yes, it's long. But it's well worth the read.

The Making of Star Wars by J.W. Rinzler
If you're a fan of STAR WARS, or a fan of the film-making process, you'll love this book. It's a long book with very small text. But it kept my enthralled from beginning to end. Great behind the scenes pics and inside scoops on the heartbreak, the triumph and the creativity that was poured into this film. This is the definitive book on one of the most important movies of all time. Highly recommended.

Night by Elie Weisel
After you read this, you truly realize how incredibly lucky Wiesel was. This is a book that everyone should read. Very powerful. A little on the depressing side due to its content (A child and his family trying to survive the holocaust). But, it definitely makes you think how lucky we are to live in the United States. Right here, right now. The train sequence is the most tragic part of book.

Columbine by Dave Cullen
Another tragic novel. Pretty powerful stuff. If you were always wondering the true story about what happened in Columbine, this is the book. Let me warn you, it's not pretty. In fact, it's kind of unsettling. However, if you're a teacher or a parent, I'd say pick it up. Trust me, there is a lot you don't know about the Columbine tragedy. And most of the so-called 'facts' that you read in the newspapers were totally bogus.

Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy
This is a book about death, destruction, mutilation, brutality and torture in the wild west. In fact, I would wager that this book averages, at least, one death per page. Truth be told, it's a fascinating book. McCarthy has a fantastic grasp of the English language and weaves a compelling story. This book made TIME's Top 100 books since 1923 and, definitely deserves a spot on your list. Bloody great read.

ADDITIONAL WARNING: Like I said last year, if you're interested in any of the above books, I implore you to not (NOT) visit Wikipedia to learn more. The Wikipedia summaries are filled to gills with spoilers that will ruin these books for first-time readers.

Eimer’s Top 10 Worst Films of 2010

2010-12-31T08:00:00.002-05:00

No need to write an intro paragraph to this entry. You get the gist.

PLEASE NOTE: I didn't attach any IMDB info on this one because, frankly, this an announcement to the masses to save your money - and your time.

Consider yourself warned:

The Last Exorcism (2010)
Lots of potential, but basically a flat fart in the end. It's THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT with a possessed kid instead of a witch. You have your film crew. You have your main character talking to the camera. You have your cinematographer. Blah. Blah. Blah. I read about the 'crazy' ending. But, it's all bogus. The whole movie is a sham to get little teenybopper girls to the theaters and scream into their boyfriends arms. In this case, you'll be screaming - for your money back and your 87 minutes back. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.

Leaves of Grass (2009)
Meh. If you're into acting performances, the only reason to check out this film is to see Ed Norton play indentical twins from the opposite ends of the spectrum (a' la Cage in ADAPTATION). I had high hopes for this film from Actor/Director/Writer Tim Blake Nelson. But this film just didn't know what it wanted to be. A black comedy? A drama? A crime thriller. In my opinion, with so many great comedic actors (including Dreyfuss), he should have stuck the comedy route.

Date Night (2010)
Oh man. This movie was bad. Once again Hollywood insults the intelligence of couples who are seemingly too timid and too stupid to handle the big city simply because they live in the suburbs. But that's not my biggest gripe. It's sad watching Carell and Fey try to deliver unfunny lines through a seemingly unfunny script. I feel for them. It's a pity, because I had high hopes for this film that wanted to be everything (i.e. comedy, action-adventure, drama and romance), but instead turned into 88 minutes of nothing. Skip this. You've been warned.

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps (2010)
Meh. I'm not sure what I was expecting from this film, but it definitely wasn't this. I figured out what was going to happen in the end about 15 minutes into the film. Speaking of the ending, it was a big block of Hollywood cheese. Why not make it true to Gordon Gecko's character instead of trying to accomodate the American masses who desire a happy ending of their films? A brief cameo from original WALL STREET actor Charlie Sheen reminded me of what was so great about the original film, and not so great about this film. Oliver Stone sold out and should be very ashamed of this end product.

Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans (2009)
Meh. Interesting concept: to have a different Bad Lieutenant movie for each major city directed by a different director. However, this one falls flat. Nic Cage isn't bad enough. Plus, he sort of transforms into a drunken, buzzed-up Jimmy Stewart for the second-half of the film. I was expecting more from Werner Herzog. Plus, what the heck is Val Kilmer doing nowadays? He's been reduced to a supporting character role.

The Human Centipede: First Sequence (2009)
Whoa Nelly! Watching this movie is like running a horrific half-marathon...with your eyes. 95% of the people that read this review will be turned off by this movie. Its torture horror at its finest (or worst). If you think youre in the other 5% group, then check er out. Even though it served as inspiration of a holiday Eimertoon, I dont think I'll ever watch this mess of a movie again. It's an interesting idea, but the director didnt really didnt think his creation through in how the centipede would actually obtain nourishment. If you watch the movie, youll see what I mean. Scratch that, don't watch it.

Bronson (2008)
To be brutally honest (no pun intended), I wasn't feeling this film at all. I wanted to, especially after reading the positive critical reviews. I really, really wanted to like this movie. But, in the back of my mind, I felt that this movie had been made before. Then I remembered Eric Bana's acting debut CHOPPER, which tells the same type of story as this flick, but is ten times better. I understand this was on a lot of top 10 lists and all that jazz. But I just felt this movie was all retread.

Jennifer's Body (2009)
Cliche. Cliche. Cliche. Blech. Just like Rob Zombie's HALLOWEEN, plenty of bark, but no bite. Even cutey-pie Megan Fox and a snarky script by Oscar-winning screenwriter Diablo Cody (Juno) can't pull this horror movie demon/dracula/zombie high-school murder retread out of the 2-star dumpster. Rent Sam Raimi's DRAG ME TO HELL instead. It's a far superior film compared to this piece of poo. Next.

A Perfect Getaway (2009)
The more I think about this movie, the more I'm positive I'm not going to remember it in two years. Heck, even two months. Great cinematography. But that's about it. Everyone will swoon over the twist ending. But it's more of a twist middle. The rest of the movie is all Scooby Doo or should I say Scooby Pooh. (ha! I'm funny) Timothy Olyphant acts like a poor-man's Bill Paxton. I'm also convinced the other actors signed on the dotted line for an excuse to film a movie in Hawaii. I loved Twohy's PITCH BLACK, but none of his movies since have cut the mustard for me. Like I said, meh. But, hey, at least there's some hints of nudity to keep you entertained. I said hints.

The Box (2009)
Meh. I think the whole idea of Richard Matheson's short story was the fact that the reader wasn't sure why the box and the button was happening to this specific couple. In the film version, Director/Writer Richard Kelly leaves no stone unturned in telling us his thoughts on The Box and the mysterious man. To be honest, I'm pretty sure I didn't want to know. Matheson's story is, arguably, one of the finest horror short stories ever written. Kelly bastardizes this chilling story into a SOUTHLAND TALES-type conspiracy theory that threatens the very fabric of our existence. Too much information in this overblown, overhyped movie. Which begs the questions, is Kelly a one-hit wonder?

Next Monday: Eimer's Best Reads of 2010.

Eimer's 11 Best Films of 2010

2010-12-30T11:09:00.002-05:00

Well, another year, another gaggle of films to decipher and ruminate upon.

Below are my 11 favorite films that I viewed in 2010.

As you all know, I don't go to the theater that often, so I missed the biggies including The Black Swan, The Social Network, True Grit and other critical darlings such as The King's Speech, Hereafter and The Fighter.

That's why most of these films are available on DVD, HBO and On Demand. And, due to my extensive Netflix DVD queue, some of these weren't even released in 2010.

Now, with that disclaimer, I give to you my 11 favorite films of 2010 (in no particular order):

Kick-Ass
What a fun, entertaining super-hero film. A bit gory for the younger lads. But, this is a truly refreshing take on the boring super-hero franchise that's exploding in Hollywood. Director Matthew Vaugn puts together a fun, faithful adaptation of Mark Millar and John Romita Jr's graphic novel of the same name. Check ' er out in all it's gory glory.

Inception
Look, I know the dream thing has been done before (i.e. DREAMSCAPE, NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, BRAINSTORM, STRANGE DAYS, etc), but man, was I ever impresssed with this movie. The Nolan brothers created a fantastic, creative film that makes you think one day, two weeks, a year after you watch it. It's these type of creative movies that gets me pumped up about the future of the movie industry. This may not be the Best Movie of the Year, but it should be commended for it's brashness, creativity, special effects intricate plot - not to mention fantastic ending. Check 'er out!

Time Crimes
I'm a fan of creative, thought-provoking time travel movies such as TIME BANDITS, BACK TO THE FUTURE, 12 MONKEYS and PRIMER. TIME CRIMES is another great movie to add to the list. Rather than focusing on a big spectacle of a film, Director Nacho Vigalondo uses his modest budget to create an intimate, thought-provoking look into the intricacies and eventual pitfalls of time travel - with only four actors! I'll admit I was a little hesitant and dubious when I read the critical praise and positive reviews. But this film exceeded expectations. NOTE: If you rent this DVD, choose the Spanish-language version with English subtitles. I'm not a big fan of Dubbed English. Check 'er out.

The Kids Are All Right
Great story, plot, screenplay and direction. However, it's the acting that makes this film stand apart from a lot of the crap out there today. Watching Annette Bening, Julienne Moore and Mark Ruffalo ply their trade is worth the rental alone. Writer/Director Lisa Cholodenko has created a very original film about a very unique family. Highly recommended.

Toy Story 3
Fresh new story to make this one of the best trilogies of all time. Great story. Great direction. Fantastic animation and art direction. Phenomenal flick. However, take the kids with a small warning, this is the darkest of the three. However, that's probably why I enjoyed it so much. Also, this is the only movie of 2010 that I almost cried. I said almost.

Fantastic Mr. Fox
I'll admit, I was a bit wary at the beginning of this film. The animation didn't look click for some reason. However, in less than five minutes, I completely fell in love with this film. This movie is vintage Wes Anderson in animation form with his cast of regulars lending their voices. Great, witty script by Anderson, Baumbach and - of course - Roald Dahl truly adds that special touch to the film that hurdles it over the three-star quagmire. Possibly after a couple viewings, it may sneak into a five-star film. Just a wonderful animated film that's on-par with anything Pixar or Disney has ever created.

The Road
Dark, bleak, depressing and horrific - but it's a damn good movie just the same. Director John Hillcoat once again knocks a movie out of the ballpark. And cintematographer Javier Aguirresarobe is dead on. Exactly what I pictured when I read McCarthy's book (three times!) As the book states, this movie defines what it means to be a father. However, this movie isn't for everyone. Some people watch movies to escape the drudgery of life. The Road forces you to face your humanity and, possibly, pull yourself up and fight for one more day. One of my favorite books of all time. Pretty damn good movie too.

Shutter Island
I'm not sure where all the haters were coming from with this movie (could it have been the side plot about the children?), but I thought this was not only a great Scorcese film, but a great film...period. Great acting, directing (of course!), editing by long-time Scorcese editor Thelma Shoonmaker and plot by Dennis Lehane's suspenseful novel. Lest I forget fantastic cinematography by veteran shooter Robert Richardson (KILL BILL, BASTERDS and WALL STREET). The final scene prior to credits adds another dimension that wasn't present in Lehane's book. Let the head scratching begin. Check 'er out.

Collapse
Fantastic documentary. If this doesn't wake you up about humanity and what's going to happen when we run out of oil, I'm not sure what will. Take a break from your bubble-gum comedies, vampire dramas and sci shoot-em ups and watch this film. As the front of the DVD states...Superb. Riveting. Mesmerizing. And very frightening.

The Ghost Writer
Polanski does it again. Great political thriller that is both entertaining, easy to understand and surprisingly fun! Reminded me of a Kubrick film. Great acting all around, too. Kim Catrell does a good job in an non-SEX AND THE CITY role - with all her clothes on, too! Ewan, Pierce and the rest of the cast come together to make a splendid film with a fantastic ending. Check er' out.

Winter's Bone
Fantastic film. Great directing cinematography, acting and story. In a way, this movie reminded my of Capatin Willard searching for Colonel Kurtz in APOCALYPSE NOW. But, it's a truly unique film that gives an unflinching look at poverty, deadbeat dads, drug abuse and family. Jennifer Lawrence carries this film on her shoulders as Ree Dolly. Just like 2009's under-the-radar breakout film THE HURT LOCKER, this film is not to be missed.

Well, there you have it. I'm sure it would have changed had I seen The Social Network, The Black Swan, and the other above mentioned films. But these were my personal best of 2010. Hopefully this will motivate you to check some of these flicks out that you may not have seen.

Tomorrow: The 10 Worst Movies I viewed in 2010.

Monday: The 10 Best Books I read in 2010.

Seven Deadly Santas!

2010-12-25T03:42:00.001-05:00

Well, the Baker's Dozen of Burnt Cookies has come to an end. I hope you enjoyed them as much as I had creating them. I won't lie, it's been quite a trip this month, but I'm happy that I did it! I'll be in touch with more cartoons, possibly a new children's book and vice versa.

But, today, just enjoy yourself and being around your family. Merry Christmas. Nope, not Happy Holidays! Merry Fucking Christmas and enjoy!

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Christmas Eimertoons - Dec. 24

2010-12-24T23:41:00.000-05:00

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A Very Merry Hunter's Christmas

2010-12-23T11:05:00.000-05:00

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Christmas Eve Beer Goggles

2010-12-22T08:14:00.001-05:00

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Rudloph the Red-Nosed Reindeer - 20 years later

2010-12-21T10:14:00.000-05:00

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Christmas Eimertoons Dec. 20

2010-12-20T08:07:00.001-05:00

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Christmas Eimertoons Dec. 19

2010-12-19T08:05:00.001-05:00

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Christmas Eimertoons Dec. 18

2010-12-18T08:02:00.002-05:00

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Christmas Eimertoon Dec. 17

2010-12-17T15:00:00.000-05:00

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The Holiday 'Santa'-pede

2010-12-16T10:06:00.000-05:00

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Christmas Eimertoons Dec. 15

2010-12-15T08:08:00.000-05:00

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Christmas Eimertoons Dec. 14

2010-12-14T08:00:00.001-05:00

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Christmas Eimertoons Dec. 13

2010-12-13T08:48:00.000-05:00

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The most wonderful time of the year?

2010-12-06T08:28:00.000-05:00

So, on my way to work, battling breezy snowdrifts and snowflakes the size of extra large Frosted Flakes, I was thinking about Christmas.

Then I started thinking about Holidays. Then I started thinking about the best holiday.

Then I started thinking about my mom.

Last week, we were talking about holidays and she said, "Seems weird don't it?"

"What," I asked my mom.

"Thanksgiving."

"Never thought about it," I said.

"Well, it's just funny that everyone in the entire United States bought into this, this, this weird holiday where you buy a turkey, bake it and eat it on a specific day."

After thinking about it, I said, "Yeah, that is weird."

"What if we just told them to fuck off," my mom blurted out.

"Who?"

"The people that create these stupid holidays."

I found myself nodding to my mom in agreement, like she was delivering a sermon to hundreds of thousands of listeners at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington DC.

"Yeah," I screamed.

You know, mom is right. Holidays are weird. But, just like pooping on the toilet or eating lunch or watching TV or riding a bike - a lot of things humans do are pretty weird.

But, after mulling over the different holidays and thinking about which holiday is the best, I may have to go with two options - Fourth of July and Memorial Day.

Memorial Day kicks off the great weather in Ohio. Memorial Day is the official crack of the gun to start the race of warmness to Northeast Ohio. Plus, you know damn well you're going to be drunk at least one of the three vacation days.

Fourth of July is awesome for a number reasons. First, it's right smack dab in the middle of summer, lots of parties, lots of drinking, lots of friendly get togethers and people blowing the shit out of stuff.
Also, it's two days before my birthday, and on the opposite side of the spectrum on the calendar than Christmas.

Not sure that consitutes a good holiday. But, there's very little that needs to be done to enjoy these two great holidays.

Except for copious amounts of drinking.

13 Holiday Eimertoons in 13 Days. Stay tooned!

2010-12-01T07:56:00.000-05:00

Eimer's Best Netflix Reviews - Pieces of April

2010-11-23T16:53:00.002-05:00

I thought this was appropriate for the upcoming Thanksgiving Holiday.

Truthfully, I probably would not have rented this flick unless Katie Holmes married Tom Cruise.

Not 100% accurate. More so, because I looked up her filmography on IMDB and noticed that this was the only movie I hadn't seen starring Mrs. Cruise.

Plus, everyone on the site was talking about how good it was, so I thought I’d give it a try.

Turns out I really enjoyed it and – at 88 minutes long – it was the perfect length. With tattoos, black nail polish and (Gasp!) a black boyfriend – Katie’s character is the black sheep of a rather crazy, dysfunctional family as she prepares for Thanksgiving dinner at her rather small apartment in the city. Mom has cancer and hates her daughter for being so (insert any word here). Dad is trying to paste the family together. Two siblings have their own problems as well. Plus with Grandmother in tow, you’ve got a great concoction for disaster.

The movie splits up into three parts: family’s trip to New York, Katie’s trials and tribulations of trying to prepare Thanksgiving dinner and her boyfriend’s trip through the city (A drug deal perhaps?). In any event, everything comes together and – in a sense – the end of the movie is a beginning of sorts that brings a tear to your eye.

Great little movie that could. And a perfect representation to America's most dysfunctional holiday.

GRADE: B+

Interesting stuff my kids draw - The Thing

2010-11-10T08:41:00.002-05:00

I know. I know. Everyone loves their kids and thinks that everything they do is the cat's meow.

However, trutch be told, there are, in fact, a lot of things my kids do that downright pisses me off.

But, once in a while (okay more than once in a while), they say something or do something that puts a great big smile on my face and makes me proudly say, "Yep, them's my kids."

Case in point was something that happened a couple days ago. I showed both of my kids (my 3-old son and 4-old daughter) the 50 monsters cartoon, which I posted last week prior to Halloween.

They were mesmerized. My daughter more so than my son. She was particularly taken by this image:

"What's that?" she asked.

"Oh, that's from the movie The Thing," I said.

"What is it?"

"It's a creature that takes the form of other creatures and, sort of, morphs into them via some crazy biology."

I don't think she really understood my answer. However, that was about the extent of the conversation.

I looked at her face and she was still transfixed. I was proud that she liked my stuff.

Yesterday, when I picked my daughter from school, she approached me with a proud smile on her face and handed me the following picture:

"What's this," I asked already knowing the answer.

"The Thing," she said with a beeming beautiful smile.

Not sure about you, but it does look like the creature Kurt Rusell confronted in the final scene.

Eimer's Best Netflix Reviews - The Happening

2010-11-05T08:00:00.002-04:00

Look, I enjoyed THE RUINS. I thought it was interesting to have nature finally fighting back against mankind. I could even suspend my disbelief in to believe that Jordy Verrill was, in fact, slowly turning into a plant in the CREEEPSHOW vignette.

However with this film, I tried and tried and tried to suspend my disbelief and roll with this movie.

I just couldn’t.

The acting, the direction and the stupid, stupid script didn’t enthrall me one bit during its 90-minute run. And that bums me out because I was hoping M. Night would finally get his shit together and hit one out of the park like he did with UNBREAKABLE and THE SIXTH SENSE.

I’m now convinced that’s not going to happen unless he starts more collaboration and less dictatorship with his movies. Now when I see the words WRITTEN, PRODUCED & DIRECTED BY M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN at the beginning of a movie, I’m going to groan. And the really sucky thing about this movie is that it had potential to be a really cool horror movie. But it just turned into dumb.

From the wind blowing in the wrong direction of the jet stream to the old lady in the small town, to the wind blowing and more wind blowing to signify some type of Jason Voorhees character is on the hunt of packs of people (Which begs the question how many is too many? And I didn’t know nature could count?) this movie is so ludicrous that it’s not even worth talking about anymore.

Okay one more thing. In the extras section of the DVD, there’s an anatomy of a scene production where, it appears M. Night spent about three-to-four days shooting this one scene where a jeep rams into a tree and bodies are thrown from the vehicle. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a cool scene. But, as I was watching this production I was thinking to myself that M. Night should have focused more time tinkering with his terrible script than trying to film a cool scene for the masses.

In a nutshell, that’s what bothers me about this film and his last film LADY IN THE WATER…plenty of tree bark, but no bite.

GRADE: F-

Eimer's Best Netflix Reviews - The Cutting Edge: The Magic of Movie Editing

2010-11-04T08:00:00.002-04:00

Great documentary about the less sexy, but most important part of the the movie-making process - editing.

With comprehensive interviews of the some of the best editors working today, not to mention Academy Award winning directors, the movie rolls along at a fine pace.

If you're into film as an art form, you'll love the stories from Speilberg talking about the editing of JAWS and SCHINDLER'S LIST, and Scorcese talking about his long-time editor, Academy-award winner Thelma Schoonmaker.

As if that weren't all, you get to see Academy-Award winning editor, Walter Murch, ply his trade as he edits a scene from Anthony Minghella's COLD MOUNTAIN.

What a cool, interesting, fun documentary.

GRADE: A

Screw MONSTER, let's play JEHOVAH WITNESS.

2010-11-02T08:10:00.000-04:00

So, after a laborious day of copywriting, I pick up the kids from school, we go home and eat some dinner...

....then we stare at each other.

"So, what do you guys want to do now?" I ask interrupting the brief, but poignant,silence.

Big devilish smiles appear on their faces as they scream, "Monster!"

"RAWR," I yell, as a I transform into the monster (a la American Werewolf in London) and chase them around the house all the while hurling them through the air and twist them around and around until I almost puke.

Well...yesterday, after dinner, the kids screamed that they wanted to play monster. Not sure if it was the long, drawn out Halloween festivities or the tedious repition of the week, but I said a stern, "No, not tonight."

Immediately, their smiles turned upside down. My son even began to cry.

"Hey, hey don't cry," I said. "It's okay."

Then, for some stupid reason, I started to sing Kumbaya:

'Kum bay ya, my Lord, kum bay ya; Kum bay ya, the Lord, kum bay ya; Kum bay ya, my Lord, kum bay ya, O Lord, kum bay ya.'

My kids started to laugh. I sang it again. And again.

Then they started to get annoyed. I kept singing it again, again and again.

Then they screamed. Then they ran. I walked slowly towards them like a zombie extra from The Walking Dead and continued to sing Kumbaya.

And, when I caught them (and I always did), I would give them a great big hug....

....until they screamed.

So, next time, you're getting sick of playing Monster with your kids. Switch it up and play Jehovah's Witness instead.

It will annoy the hell out of the kids, and you.

P.S. Mix up the game of Monster/Jehovah Witness even more by switching it up to 'Hare Krishna'.

50 Movies. 50 Horrors. 50 Murderers

2010-10-28T08:11:00.004-04:00

So, this is what I was talking about a couple weeks ago:

Guess all the movies...WIN my respect.

Stumped? Check out the Cheat Sheet below.

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I know. I know. I missed: The Terminator, Basket Case, Gremlins, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Little Shop of Horrors, Medusa, Jeepers Creepers, Re-Animator, Pumpkinhead, The Hills Have Eyes, Puppet Master and The Phantom of the Opera.

Any others?

However, as space dictates, I can only draw five more (to officially be poster size). Give me your best five in the comments and I'll draw them, toss them in the poster. Then start selling officially signed prints.

Oh, and by the way, HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

CHEAT SHEET

TOP ROW

Carrie - Friday the 13th - Mummy - Dracula - Misery - Troll - Alien - The Blob - A Clockwork Orange - I Know What You Did Last Summer

SECOND ROW FROM TOP

Frankenstein - Silence of the Lambs - Hellraiser - The Wolfman - Bride of Frankenstein - The Invisible Man - Jack Frost - Saw - The Thing - Cujo

MIDDLE ROW

Creature from the Black Lagoon - Poltergeist - 2001 A Space Odyssey - Halloween - Night of the Living Dead - Child's Play - The Exorcist - American Psycho - Predator - Tremors

FOURTH ROW FROM TOP

Killer Klowns from Outer Space - Pan's Labyrinth - Candyman - Critters - Sleepy Hollow - It -Scream - A Nightmare on Elm Street - Jaws - Changeling

BOTTOM ROW

The Shining - The Omen - Psycho - The Ring - Leprechaun - Texas Chainsaw Massacre - The Fly - Phantasm - The Descent - Village of the Damned

Eimer's Best Netflix Reviews - Mr. Brooks

2010-10-25T08:05:00.002-04:00

Judging from everyone I talked to concerning this film, I thought Mr. Brooks was going to be fucking awesome.

However, about halfway in, I found myself experiencing the reverse. I was a bit bored and annoyed with the five different plot points in the film:

Kevin Costner being a serial killer
Demi Moore divorcing her ex-husband
Dane Cook wanting to be a serial killer
Costner's daughter
And let's not forget the escape of another serial killer from prison.

A book would have been a better way to go with this than a movie. There's just too much content to weave a plausible storyline.

One idea would be to just focus on Mr. Brooks and his daughter, have William Hurt and police officer Demi Moore come in halfway through and set the movie in the daughter's college town. Without giving too much away, that alone would make a suspenseful two hour flick.

Although the movie looked pretty in terms of production, cinematography and direction, I wasn't fooled. Duo directors Evans and Gideon were looking to make a serial killeresque LOCK, STOCK AND TWO SMOKING BARRELS, or even a PULP FICTION mass murderer flick.

But, instead these two chickens laid a big, fat, brown turd.

GRADE: F

Eimer's Best Netflix Reviews - The Illustrated Man

2010-10-22T08:19:00.001-04:00

I was very disappointed in this movie.

After reading Ray Bradbury's book of the same name, I was expecting so much more from this flick, which highlighted three of the better short stories from the book.

Director Jack Smight completely bastardizes and rewrites two of the vignettes (The Last Day of the World and The Long Rain) and fails to capture the essence of the other (The Veldt).

'Hey man quit comparing the book to the movie,' you might scream. Well, the movie does not stand on its own either. Overacted, over-directed, under-produced, and extremely under budget, there's too much focus on the story of Illustrated Man and not enough on the fascinating stories from Bradbury.

The whole idea of the Illustrated Man was to serve a unique way to deliver his collection of short stories (a' la the Crypt Keeper from TALES FROM THE CRYPT). That's it. Speaking of the stories, they could have been a lot better had they followed the same plot structure as the novel. I will give props to the director for innovatively casting Steiger and Bloom in all three chapters. That's about it. Don't waste your time on this one. Pick up the book instead.

Grade: D-

Review of The Social Network

2010-10-19T08:40:00.006-04:00

My buddy Mac, who has reviewed a couple movies for this blog in it's three-year existence, just sent me a very positive review of The Social Network directed by David Fincher and written by Aaron Sorkin.

So, here it goes:

Many fans of David Fincher became fans after watching movies like ‘Seven’ and ‘Fight Club’. There was something about those movies that was very dark and bleak like some sort of haunted Film Noir. Something else you will notice about those two particular Fincher films is the fact that there are almost no exterior scenes with sunshine.

Dark.

That’s the feeling you get while watching the opening credits of David Fincher’s new film: ‘The Social Network’. The soundtrack by Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross sets the tone and you realize you’re in for something serious. Aaron Sorkin’s script about the creators of Facebook is based off of the book “The Accidental Billionaires” by Ben Mezrich, which I’m sure is just the one sided story of the truth. However it serves for interesting cinema.

The two main characters of course are Mark Zuckerberg and Eduardo Saverin, the two undergrads at Harvard who started Facebook seven years ago from their dorm room. Zuckerberg is portrayed as a boy genius who can talk faster than Martin Scorsese but if he was graded on his social skills (especially with girls) he would get a D. Saverin seems more sympathetic and likeable but it’s what Fincher and Sorkin do with these two that makes you feel uneasy and fascinated at the same time.

Then, you throw the best performance Justin Timberlake has ever done in his life on top of that and you feel like you are definitely watching one of the best movies of the year. I personally don’t mind J.T. but I wasn’t expecting him to be all that. But he takes the character of Sean Parker, the young co-founder of Napster who seeks out Zuckerberg and Saverin after discovering Facebook, and knocks it out of the park. You realize that Sean Parker plays a major part of the story line and thus becomes an important character and if not done right could collapse the movie. So, I half to give it up to Timberlake because he was solid as a rock and the acting in this movie was top-shelf all around so if J.T. was bad he would’ve stood out like a sore thumb but he held his own and then some with every actor he shared a scene with.

There are over 600 million people on Facebook today and most of this entire story takes place before 2006 before I even heard of Facebook. The richest people today are the TechGods, the guys who started Google, the guys who started Yahoo, Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and so on…so even if ‘The Social Network’ is not 100% accurate I bet my bottom dollar that this story is similar to other computer geeks who struck it big in the technology world and then were too socially inept to save their only honest friendships from greed and jealousy.

Fincher has brought The Social Network to light and you will probably see him walking the red in his dark tuxedo this award season and watch out because there’s a good chance there won’t be any sunshine on Oscar day either.

Thanks Mac!

Eimer's Best Netflix Reviews - ERASER (1996)

2010-10-19T08:25:00.004-04:00

Hello and welcome to Iron Chef where todays ingredients are for a paint-by-numbers action flick called Eraser.

STEP ONE: Take an action star and a person in trouble. For a spicier taste, make one white and the other black.

STEP TWO: Mix in some sort of plot involving sex, guns, drugs, family, revenge or money.

STEP THREE: Sprinkle in some explosions, some witty dialogue and a couple catch phrases.

STEP FOUR: Make the bad guy get his just desserts in the end.

STEP FIVE: Add a happy ending and make the two people embrace. (If its two men: they shake hands exchange witty banter. If its a woman and a man: they kiss.)

STEP SIX: Simmer for two hours. Voila! You have just created almost every action movie ever made (i.e. LETHEL WEAPON 1-4, DIE HARD 1-3, RUSH HOUR, BAD BOYS, PUNISHER etc.) In my personal opinion, this flick starring Arnold Shwarzenneger (white) and Vanessa Williams (black) signified the end of the action movie, at least for a while.

In addition to all of the above ingredients, it's very predictable, very bland and very so-so of a movie. I'm so bored, I cant even go on.

Grade: D

A Wonderful, Awful Halloween Idea

2010-10-12T08:45:00.000-04:00

A couple days ago, I was doodling during a meeting and drew the following picture:

Then, like the Grinch peering down at the Whos in Whoville...I got an idea.

An awful idea!

I got a wonderful, awful idea, that I'm working on now and will have to show on this blog and other outlets sometime during the week...before Halloween.

If I had a time machine....

2010-10-01T08:00:00.001-04:00

As the weather turns, and the landscape begins to change from glorious green to rapturous orange and red; as I was driving to work my mind reverted back to The Time Machine.

No, not the turdy remake starring Guy Pearce. Not the not-so-funny-that-I-hoped-would-be-funny Hot Tub Time Machine starring John Cusack (oh, how the film heroes of our 80's have fallen).

I'm talking about the original The Time Machinethe film that was made exactly 50 years ago starring Rod Tayler(playing the author H.G. Wells) and the sleestack/The Fog looking-creatures that kept me tossing, turning and glancing under my bed when I was very, very young.

Okay, they still keep me up at night.

Then I thought about what would happen if I had a Time Machine. And had only one option of either going ahead 1,000 years to 3010 or in reverse to 1910 to live out the remainder of my life.

Which would I choose?

Believe it or not, both have their advantages-and 'disses' too!

If I picked 1910, I could take the knowledge of the future back and make a ton of money. For instance, I could get in on the aviation thing, use my knowledge of the upcoming World Wars, horses and other Sport Almanac stuff a' la Back to the Future 2 to make my fortune. Then, I would take my money, travel West to Las Vegas (which actually becomes a city in the year 1911) and open a ton of gambling parlors and brothels for all the cowboys, and myself.

One key negative: I'm almost 40 and back in the 1900's we wouldn't have had the medicine or medical technology to keep people alive too long. (Unless I invented it.) Some sites the average age of death in 1900 was 47 years old. Others say 57 for men and 69 for women. Whatever the true number, everyone died younger than in 2010.

Or, I could choose to fast-forward to 3010 and see what's become of the Earth. Are we still here? What new technology have we come up with? Did the UFOs finally return and for the Alien Rapture? What's going on over in Israel - is everyone still pissed off at each other. And (gulp!) is the United States even at the top of the economic food chain or did this country fall like the Roman Empire?

One key negative: What if humans are wiped out by a plague or an attack by aliens? What if a giant metor hit the Earth in 2030 and the atmospheric conditions somehow changed (e.g. an overabundance of methane gas). The second that I appear in the 3010 - I could instantly die! (Which wouldn't be too cool at all.)

However, even before I thought up this question for this post, I already knew the answer....it would be 3010 baby!

I guess the biggest downer about death is not really knowing what's going to happen in the future after you're gone.

I guess, for some people (i.e. stock brokers, gamblers, physicists), that's the biggest downer about living in the present too.

Just curious which one would you pick? Why?

Random Thought of the Day

2010-09-24T09:53:00.000-04:00

On the way to work today, I glanced over to the West.

"Hmmm, " I thought to myself. "What's stopping me from just driving off to Las Vegas right now?"

- A wife.
- Two kids.
- My son's birthday party tonight.
- Possibility of a divorce or - at the very least - counseling sessions.
- The fact that I only have $100 in my checking account.
- No savings.
- No credit cards.

"Oh yeah," I exclaimed. "That's what's stopping me from driving to Las Vegas right now."

Was Elton John inspired by Ray Bradbury?

2010-09-21T19:09:00.000-04:00

Just a quick thought before it escapes my brain...

I'm curious if Ray Bradbury's short story The Rocket Man from the novel The Illustrated Man was the inspiration for Elton John's hit single Rocket Man?

No? Well, if you read the short story and check out the Rocket Man lyrices (sung by Elton John, written by Bernie Taupin): it matches up pretty well:

She packed my bags last night pre-flight
Zero hour nine a.m.
And I’m gonna be high as a kite by then
I miss the earth so much I miss my wife
It’s lonely out in space
On such a timeless flight
And I think it’s gonna be a long long time
Till touch down brings me round again to find
I’m not the man they think I am at home
Oh no no no I’m a rocket man
Rocket man burning out his fuse up here alone
Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
In fact it’s cold as hell
And there’s no one there to raise them if you did
And all this science I don’t understand
It’s just my job five days a week
A rocket man, a rocket man

Of course, Bradbury's story is told through eyes of the boy. Taupin's lyrics are sung through the eyes of the man.

Del Water Gap exceeded expectations!!!

2010-08-30T08:00:00.000-04:00

Just returned from my four-day hike along the Appalachian Trail in the Delaware Water Gap.

I'll post a full report after I get the pictures. But, all in all, very impressed. It exceeded my expectations.

Having hiked most of Virginia Appalachian Trail and a small part of the Adirondacks; all I can say is that this hike, the entire Del Water Gap National Park, had some of the most impressive vistas of all my trips.

No shit.

Besides the endless miles of rocks, this trips will be one of the tops on my list. And it will be one of my first recommendations to anyone who asks which section they should hike on the Appalachian Trail.

Del Toro is finally 'At The Mountains of Madness'

2010-07-29T08:30:00.006-04:00

Today, visionary director Guillermo Del Toro announced he will finally direct one of his passion projects...At The Mountains of Madness by H.P. Lovecraft.

Check out the /Film story right here.

This is big news for horror and movie film geeks. For all of those unaware, Lovecraft was like the Stephen King of his time. Creating moody, psychotic worlds filled with eerie creatures, demons and demi-gods hell bent on taking their anger out on the world.

In my opinion, Del Toro (who was attached to direct the The Hobbit for producer Peter Jackson before bowing out) hasn't created a bad movie yet. Some of my favorite works from Del Toro include Mimic, The Devil's Backbone, Pan's Labyrinth, Hellboy and Blade 2. If you havent seen any of these films check 'em out espeically Backbone and Labyrinth.

For many older horror movie directors, Lovecraft's work has served as inspiration for many of their visions including John Carpenter (who filmed In The Mouth of Madness), Stuart Gordon (who filmed Dagon), Del Toro among others.

After reading about the announcement - and never reading this particular story - I was intrigued enough to search for it online.

Well, what do you know...I found it! Courtesy of Dusty Library:

Click here to read At The Mountains of Madness

Oh yeah, another plus (or negative, whichever way you view it) visionary James Cameron (Terminator, Aliens, Avatar, Titantic) is set to produce - which means we'll get some very meaty visuals courtesy of Digital Domain, which was founded by the Oscar-winning Director.

Eimertoons - Passion of the Groundhog

2010-07-21T08:00:00.001-04:00

Last night, I noticed that The Passion of the Christ was on TV. You know, that little Jesus of Nazarath film mixed with a little original Texas Chainsaw Massacre - directed by Mr. Mel Gibson.

Coincidentally, I've been reading a very interesting book by Richard Dawkins called The God Delusion, which is sure to put all Christian, Jewish and Muslim readers into a panic. (Very good book by the way.)

In any event, both of these occurences reminded me of a 10-page cartoon that I drew waaaaaaay back in 2006 - before my daughter was born when I was unemployed and living in Cleveland.

It's the longest of the three long-form cartoons that I have drawn - thus far. I should add that I took great pleasure and pride in creating this. If anything, it showed that I could tell a long-form story in cartoon form, which was a big break through.

Now if I only had time to do some more......

Check it out. And, as always, (click each image to enlarge).

Two months. Three rejections.

2010-07-19T08:00:00.008-04:00

It's funny.

After I finished editing my children's book for mass consumption, I thought the hard part was over and the easy part was coming up:

"Send it to a literary agent who would take one look at it, call me up and tell me that I am the Steinbeck of Children's Book Literature."

And continously praise me for my innovation and geniusness (is that even a word?).

Well, as all writers know...it's a tough road to hoe. I assumed I would just send this story out and people would be clamoring for the chance to turn this story from my head into a bonafide children's book - with movie rights to come in a couple weeks.

Not the case.

I've since sent my 'exclusive' story out to two agents and one publishing company.

To surmise all of their feedback:

- You've got a great story here
- But its not for us
- There are a lot of great ideas out there.
- We have to pick and choose the great ones.
- But we may be wrong.
- We encourage you to try other publishers and agents.
- Blah, blah, blah.

I agree. Living the life of a copywriter and cartoonist, you learn to live with rejection.

It feeds the fire.

That why, I'm going to keep sending it out for representation. I believe in this story. I think it needs to be told. I think it's fun.

But, if nothing happens within a month or so, I just may have to rethink my strategy and do this one on my own.

Maybe a version1 with my drawings.

Then, down the line, a version 2 with a professional illustrator's drawings.

In any event, onward and upward.

BreakupwithLebron.com

2010-07-15T08:51:00.000-04:00

My buddies at work thought up this website and campaign concerning the departure of Lebron James - http://www.breakupwithlebron.com/.

Basically the campaign invites former Lebron James fans to bring in their old #23 jerseys to your local Your's Truly store in Canton, Cleveland and Akron and donate them to homeless shelters in Miami. In exchange you get a "It's not us, it's you" shirt. All donations go to charity.

I know these guys paid for this out of their own pocket, so let's give them some support so they can recoup the costs. I thought this was a great idea and encourage you to visit the site. By the way, video was shot, non gratis, by Stonekap Studios, located in Canton, Ohio.

Check er out.

Sketchbook - The Grapes of Wrath

2010-07-13T08:00:00.000-04:00

Drew this while watching the 1940 movie version of the famous book by John Steinbeck. My review: the book is much, much better. Would make a better 8-hour HBO mini-series than a 2-hour film.

(click image to enlarge)

Sketchbook - Gospel Cash

2010-07-02T08:18:00.000-04:00

(click image to enlarge)

Field of Beans

2010-07-01T08:00:00.004-04:00

I've talked about my many different jobs on this planet.

However, I forgot to bring up my short stint as a Children's Book Illustrator.

And, yep, I totally forgot about it until now. Can you believe that?

Waaaaayyy back in 1998, I illustrated a children's story called Field of Beans for a small start-up children's book publishing company in Columbus called Berry Books.

Take a gander at it right here.

The cool thing about this particular project was that I thought up the actual look and feel of the characters. In fact, the publisher (Curtis Paulson) liked my characters so much, he kept them around in other books.

Another cool thing: According to the website, a total of nine books have been printed and distributed in every state and several countries.

Eat your heart out J.K. Rowling.

Granted, I didn't make a ton of money off of this project (I think it was about $600 for about 70+ hours of work including meetings, revisions, sketches, etc) and the final product isn't that spectacular. But, this particular experience not only helped hone my illustrating/cartooning skills, but it introduced me to the wonderful world of Photoshop - and its endless possibilities.

In any event, when I talked about writing and illustrating my own book, I had totally forgotten that I already have one in the coffer. Cool!

So, in addition to this new copywriting job, and the book illustrator job, I now have had a grand total of 37 jobs - in almost 38 years.

Yay me!

Adventures in Babysitting

2010-06-30T15:01:00.000-04:00

This was the exact moment when I fell in love with Elisabeth Shue....

Young Eimer - Inside a Bottle Rocket

2010-06-18T13:45:00.012-04:00

Yet another drawing from my box of goodies that was found last week.

This one is titled 'Inside a Bottle Rocket' (click image to enlarge).

A little history on this one. I faintly remember drawing this picture after our parents let my brother and I graduate from Black Snakes, Pops, Smoke Bombs and Sparklers to bigger Fourth of July ammo like Bottle Rockets, Roman Candles, Firecrackers and - yes - M-80's (although my brother was the only one allowed to light those suckers).

I was so excited about bottle rockets, that I couldn't sleep. As a matter of fact, our Mom drove us up to Ohio Fireworks multiple times during the summer, so we could stock up - and I'm talking waaaayyyy after the Fourth of July.

Thanks Mom!

Ahhhh, the simplicity of youth, and the things that excited boys before they took a keen interest in girls...horror movies, sports, bike riding, a full can of WD40 and fireworks.

Wait a minute! Not too much has changed at all, except for my adulthood affinity for Gorilla Glue and Gorilla Tape.

On the verge of a Bigfoot discovery?

2010-06-17T08:00:00.001-04:00

I was going to write about something else today, but damn if i didn't come across this little nugger news story about Bigfoot.

You know I can't pass up on a news story about Bigfoot.

BIlly Willard, President of the Sasquatch Watch of Virginia organization, says he's on the verge of a major discovery that will have homo sapiens re-thinking the way we look at the natural world.

Pretty heavy, stuff. Call me intriqued.

I've hiked, pretty much, most of the Appalachian Trail in Virginia. There were miles and miles of stretches where we didn't see a living soul. One particular morning on the Trail, a friend of mine pulled himself out of his tent and started smiling.

"Funny stuff last night," he said.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Grunting and snorting outside my tent," he said. "You spooked me for a second till I realized it was you."

"Dude, I didn't even get out of my tent last night," I said. "Must have been a black bear."

"I've been around a lot of black bears," my buddy said. "There ain't no bear that grunts and snorts like that."

We were silent.

In any event, click here to read the story.

And click SWV link above for some interesting news.

Oh, and for other Eimer Debris Bigfoot-related stories, click here.

The Jazz Band

2010-06-15T08:00:00.000-04:00

Remember that box of goodies I was talking about yesterday?

Remember when I said that I uncovered a lot more fun stuff that I wrote/drew in the early 80's when I was between the ages of 8 and 11 years old?

Well...behold the awesomeness of The Jazz Band.
(click image to enlarge)

You know when I unearthed this little treasure a couple nights ago, I couldn't imagine what was going through my mind.

At this age, I didn't even really like jazz. Hell, I'm not even sure that I knew what jazz was.

That said, there's a lot that I love about this drawing including:

The guitarist riffing off the jazz drummer.
The intense look in all of their eyes. (If I'm not mistaken, they're a bit pissed off.)
The matching star shoes and earrings.
The fact that the actual name of the group is JAZZ (hence the marking on the drums).
I don't think I was trying to be racist with this drawing. My limited Martins Ferry knowledge probably just assumed that only black people played jazz.

More to come.

Murder Hill 2: Electric Boogaloo

2010-06-14T08:00:00.002-04:00

In my basement, I have 10, 11 (or 15) boxes of stuff that I've collected over my years on this Earth. I've hauled these boxes from house to house, starting when I moved out of my parent's house for good, way back in 1991.

What's in these boxes you ask? Drawings, crayons, action figures, old watches term papers, magazine clips, sketch books, Playboys, Fangoria, etc. Basicaly a lot of stuff. I know (I hope) my kids will love going through these boxes because there's a lot of stuff in those boxes of stuff that shows my stuff (if you know what I mean).

Once in a blue moon when I'm feeling a bit nostalgic, I open one of these boxes and, take an hour or two, to rummage through the contents, searching for any funny, creative buried treasures.

Well lo and behold, I came upon another interesting Eimer drawing (circa early 1980's) that could give Murder Hill and Richie Rich a run for it's money. It's a before and after type drawing, but taken to the extreme.

BEFORE
(click to enlarge)

AFTER
(click to enlarge)

Oh, that's not all. This one particular box had some pretty funny stuff that I drew, and wrote, in my youth.

Definitely more to come.

Snakes? Snakes? Where are you?

2010-06-10T08:00:00.001-04:00

If you are the one or two people who frequently read this blog, you know that I do a lot of trail running.

Pretty much, I've hit every hiking trail in and around the Cuyahoga Valley National Park region. I've also had my share of running adventures in Central Ohio as well.

But, I'm not here to brag.

I'm here to make a specific point about snakes. (work with me, here)

When I was a kid, my brother and I would find a plentitude of snakes all around our home of Martins Ferry, Ohio. We used to pick snakes up with ease, like it was almost second nature. With precision, we would pull on their tails from in between two rocks, throw them in the grass, grab them on the back of the head, squeeze and pull them up. Their tails would slowly slither around your arm.

It was a cool feeling of empowerment over the smaller creatures of the world.

Waaaay back in 2007, when I moved up to the Northeast Ohio region (particularly Lakewood) I would come across a number of snakes on my runs. Most of the time, I would mistake them for a stick and, as soon as I jumped over them, they would skitter away giving my heart a slight tremble.

Lately, I've been a little out of practice in picking up snakes. So I thought to myself 'On my trail running, if I see a snake, I'll get back into the practice of snake-picking-up just in case I run across one with my kids.'

Important note to fathers: You don't want to look like a sissy in front of your kids, especially if it has to do with insects or snakes. So I recommend you get over your fears of eight-legged and no-legged creatures prior to having children.

I've been on some very rustic runs in the Akron area and, let me tell you, I've only come across a total of five snakes since moving down to the Bath area in 2007. Five freaking snakes!

That said, I wasn't surprised when I came across this article on Yahoo.com today concerning our slithery friends.

Seems that the world's scientists are in agreement that there is a noticeable decrease in the snake population - not just in Northeast Ohio....worldwide mother fucker. Worldwide.

According to the article, some key factors known to play a role in the decline include climate change, habitat loss, pollution, disease, lack of prey and over-exploitation, either for food or trade.

I know some people will clicking their heels in excitement over this news, (My wife would prefer to be reading a similar article about spiders.), but I'm a little disappointed to read this news.

Hopefully there will be an upswing in the population. Hopefully the little tiny country mice will get busy humping. Hopefully St. Patrick isn't taking his snake campaign worldwide and running the snakes out of the planet.

Hopefully this article isn't true and it's simply a slow news day.