Friday, November 2, 2007

The Free-Hump Card

I've been thinking about the Free-Hump Card for quite some time. I think it's got some legs. Here's the premise...

Each year, everyone in the United States over 18 years of age is sent a card in the mail which grants the ‘cardholder’ sex with any woman or man in the United States for ‘Free’.

No wining and dining. Just sixty-nining. No jumping behind the bushes. No clubbing people over the head with a log. No more caveman jumping through hoops stuff. No feats of strength.

Just a good old-fashioned Free-Hump Card.

But, here’s the catch, if you approach a woman or man and flash your Free-Hump Card, she/he can refuse ONLY if someone has already used their free-hump card on them.

They can turn you down fair and square and not be held accountable. In some cases (especially if it's a dude), people might be so flattered that they’ll give you a ‘freebie’. But, I really, truly doubt it.

But, if they had not yet received a Free-Hump Card, then – by law – they’re yours for the taking. And, let me make this crystal clear, that goes for women using the card on men (or other women) as well. This isn't Russia or Iran!

Just think of the possibilities.

On January 1 of the new Free-Hump year, you could stalk (did I say stalk?) a movie starlet of your choice. For conversation sake, let’s say um, I don’t know, Diane Lane. You’d find out where she was going to be on New Year’s Eve. Then, as soon as midnight hits, you can beat out her husband - Josh Brolin - and redeem your Free-Hump Card on site. Of course, you may get punched in the face. But, who cares. Eh?

Marvelous. Of course, there may be a bunch of other people/stalkers wanting to hump her as well, so they’ll already have her stalked out and cornered. My advice would be to find someone that lives out in a rural community. Someone who doesn’t do much on the weekends (or New Year’s Eve for that matter). I’m thinking someone Amish.

In hindsight, it would be an advantageous for a husband to use his Free-Hump Card on his wife and vice versa just to secure the fact that neither gets ‘humped’ by a stranger.

But, that’s the beauty of the Free-Hump Card. It’s a tangible Catch 22. Basically, if you love your wife, you’ll use the card on her and vice versa. End of story. If you don’t, well she’ll know your intentions and, to exact revenge, she’ll use her card on someone else. Thus, separating the loving relationships from the unloving ones. Divorce has never been so easy!

"Now Eimer," you ask, "Would I be able to use my Free-Hump card on another woman even if I'm married?" My answer would be "Of Course" but only if you received a prior ‘thumbs-up’ from my wife-to-be. Of course, that leaves your wife open for someone else's Free-Hump Card.

Or, say I wanted to be deceptive, I would pay someone and get their Free-Hump Card (say $10,000), proceed to use my card on my wife then run out and use the purchased Free-Hump Card on someone else. I agree it is a bit deceitful. But hey, it’s my make-believe world and I can do whatever the fuck I want.

You know, a lot of people will be yelling at me saying that this Free-Hump Card is ‘glorified rape’ - more so from the women's point of view than the men's. I’ll say nope. In my make-believe world this was an imaginary bill that was passed through my imaginary Congress and made into an imaginary law. So, if it’s imaginary law, it can’t be considered rape. Unless it gets overturned in my imaginary supreme court and I get imaginary impeached. Which will never happen because, in my make-believe world, I will run a dictatorship and you will die even before you think of impeaching me.

And yes, everyone must participate in the game - even old farts over 90-years-old. If you refuse, you'll be beheaded by guillotine in a town event that will take place at the end of the year - say December 25 or somewhere around that date. Even guys and girls with unredeemed Free-Hump Cards will get their heads cut off at midnight on December 31 of each year. (Hey it’s a brutal world out there.)

"What?" You say, "But, that’s just not fair Eimer."

Well, in my make-believe world, life isn’t fair. Be very happy you don’t live there.

Now who wants a Free-Hump Card?


Eric Wiley said...

Um, who's Ottonut?

Your Finest Eimer said...

Hey, it's my pseudonym. But you alread knew that didn't you. Thanks for the catch. I edited it to say "Eimer".